Darren Rovell's Tweeter Rulez

*Wrote this parody to show how silly Darren Rovell's Twitter Rules are and come down to mere common sense. Take a look at his actual list for a reference. What an arrogant dbag. http://www.cnbc.com/id/43759244// He could have even kept this to 10 at most.

Hey Tweeps, its your man DRov! Want facts brought to you through simple math? Im your boi. Since I’m now over about 150,000 followers ( ~410.9598 for each day of the year) I’ve decided to change the rules a bit. Therefore, I give you my revised 1 x 100 rules to use Twitter. Don’t hate the player hate the follower.

1. Twitter is for Everyone. Every professional should have an account and spam anyone if they mention your product. Capitalism ya’ll.
2. Facebook is the high school reunion of social media. Twitter should be used to follow celebrities.
3. If you get bombed and say something stupid just say you got hacked. No one will believe you so use the excuse wisely.
4. No one cares youre at Dunkin Donuts unless they’re trying to find Dunkin Donuts. Regardless, you can never be the Mayor of Twitter.
5. Jim Rome has a lot of followers. If you want more have him RT you and watch the notifications roll in.
6. Don’t Plagiarize. Always credit your sources. You took English in high school right?
7. Bums ask for money and more people to follow them.
8. Save inspirational quotes for speeches. If you haven’t said it why read it?
9. Im bored.
10. If someone like myself is better than you don’t get offended if they don’t follow back. I’ll DM instead so you can’t respond and look like youre talking to yourself.
11. Don’t tweet every thought or you’ll seem thoughtless. RT that.
12. Don’t tweet while pumping iron or that you’re about to do so. We already know you’re fat.
13. prufreed ur tweets. See how bad that was to read? We don’t bastardize the Queens English 140 characters at a time.
14. Follow shit you like, but don’t be afraid to branch out. Networking is all about Tweetlationships.
15. Quanality is the name of the game. If you’re tweetin’ a lot make sure its worthwhile.
16. Keeping accounts private is like keeping a journal. You’ll end up talking to yourself.
17. Default Twitter backgrounds are for newbz. I CAN HAZ LOLCATS.
18. #FF is for Follow Friday. If you think someone should be followed give a detailed description for each and every one on your list.
19. Tuesday is the new Humpday. No one will be expecting a tweet lauding another’s efforts.
20. Just because youre getting slammed doesn’t mean you should #DRUNJ tweet. Wait, sorry, If you’re getting slammed (trolled) stay in the kitchen no matter how high the heat.
21. If you RT you can shorten the message to fit everything into the character limit. Just don’t make it seem out of context. That’s for us journalists.
22. Two new followers in hand is worth one lost in the bush.
23. Sharing is caring until some celeb says something stupid. Mind your P’s and Q’s.
24. Only your mom (or Facebook) should care that its your birthday. Don’t ask anyone else to flaunt it.
25. see: 24. It begs repeating. Don’t RT anyone for their birthday. Its just sad. Loser.
26. Use Google images to find funny avatars. In my case, my face will do. However, NEVER use an animated avatar. I have ADD and will be distracted.
27. Use the bio space to let people know who you are. No one cares about your family. Let us know you like hoola-hooping instead.
28. U MAD BRO? If someone unfollows you what you say is stupid.
29. People love to see what you’re watching on TV. Show them.
30. Don’t say the same shit everyone else has.
31. If you normally tweet about sports don’t tweet about arts and crafts. You’ll confuse me.
32. REPORT SPAM. If everyone does it we’ll lose them for good.
33. Check into your followers. You may become buds.
34. Half of your followers are trash. Take it out every few months.
35. If someone RT’s you wait for new followers. If they don’t come don’t be a bitch about it.
36. Google helps find Wikipedia articles. Twitter helps you find people. Which is more important?
37. Answer a RT in front of the others comment. We want the answer before the question or in the form of a question. I love Jeopardy!
38. Find the best twitter platform that fits your fingers.
39. Tweet and driving kills. Unless you use your knees.
40. Twitter is like work. You should only use it heavily between the weekends.
41. If you want to know what’s going on turn on CNN or do the research yourself. Asking What’s up is lazy.
42. Broken links are godawful.com
43. Friends should help get friends to tweet.
44. If they still don’t want to they’re a dumb asshole.
45. Don’t abuse trending topics. They’re not voting lines for American Idol.
46. If some you like is abusing a #hashtag just mute ‘em. It will passive aggressively teach them a lesson.
47. Self RT’ing is like masturbating in public. It’s shunned upon.
48. Methinks you should explain your links.
49. Like a good book, ask for follow suggestions.
50. Organization is key. Make lists so you don’t forget what I talkin about?
51. Saying “Hey look at this asshole I unfollowed” only makes me continue to look like an asshole. Please stop.
52. If its in the past don’t try to catch up. Instead, just act like you know what you’re talking about.
53. Favorite a tweet if it’s your favorite tweet.
54.  Only Andre3000 should be the only person with more than three numbers in his handle.
55. Like farting in public you should know the best place for it. DM, RT, and @ where applicable.
56. Don’t tweet about how many followers you have unless they rival mine. If more, they’re all fake anyway.
57. If your grilled cheese has charred marks in the shape of Jesus. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHOW US. Use Instagram to appear artsy.
58. Don’t tweet us about eating a ham sandwich. Tweet us about how you’re eating it.
59. Twitlonger is a lifesaver. Push it to the limit! What a great jam.
60. Short and Tweet. I personally love Haiku’s. The less you say the more you say, amiright?
61. Hey Journalists! If the moon was made of cheese; would ya eat it? I would! I just wouldn’t hype it up before I did.
62. Check @mentions. There may somebody else on the other side of that can tethered by a string.
63. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can have an emotional toll. Stop calling me an asshat. Really.
64. Don’t change your handle unless its easier to remember. No, im not changing mine. Yes, my name is really Darren. Not DERPen.
65. Don’t update sports scores on Twitter. I’ll do it for you.
66. I know I said use Instagram to appear artsy. Yea, an artsy douche! Zing!
67. Yelp is stupid. Express your gratitude over the Twitterverse if a Wal-Mart employee “forgets to scan an item” for great customer service.
68.  If mentioning someone famous or a brand like @darrenrovell make sure to use @darrenrovell in your tweet so @darrenrovell can see how special @darrenrovell really is!
69. If you start a tweet with an @reply those not following them cant see and secrets don’t make friends.
70. If taking a picture of, say your PEN15, make sure it is crisp and represents the subject matter correctly. Wide angles are not flattering.
71. If I have to look sideways at your picture or upside down you’ve made me do too much work.
72. All for one and one for all I say! Seriously Charlie, follow me back.
73. Some tweets are diamonds in the rough. If you find something cool take all the credit With a RT in front instead of just using the button.
74. They see me tweetin’, they trollin dirty. The more hate you get the better of a job you’re doing. Also, don’t sweat the small acoounts. LOL <200 followers.
75. Every rule has an exception. Follow me, but no other celebrity. They’re usually spreading drivel and I’ll just RT it to you anyway.
76. Signatures are stupid. – Darren Rovell
77. Twittering after dark can be a lonely place. Save the good ones for when we’re awake.
78. Anything other than your actual location in your bio is lame. I know for a fact that you’re not constantly anywhere near Ballz Deep.
79. Place your bomb diggity tweets some time apart like a good press release. Doing it all at once implies that you don’t know what you’re doing.
80. Remember what I said about Networking to build Tweetlationships? I just said it again.
81. Take ownership over another per…tweet by making your own Twitty comment. Show ‘em who’s top dawg.
82. Short Twitter names are easier to remember. Where did I put my lunch?
83. Your tweets should go on your resume or something to that effect.
84. Dear Tweeps, don’t address the Twitterverse with letters about dead or nonliving stuff. Love, DRov.
85. Use Twitter to gauge trending topics that are trending.
86. Unless you’re really happy don’t use the smiley face ok? :)
87. Putting an LOL in your tweet to show it being funny is just as bad when your kid writes “cat” under the shitty drawing on your fridge.
88. Putting song lyrics in your tweets is as bad as your singing.
89. #mygoditssoannoyingwhensomeonehasanabsurdlylonghashtagcanyoureallydecipherwhatthisis?
90. Don’t follow athletes as ive said. If they say anything worthwhile I’ll tweet it quickly for you.
91. Don’t talk to strangers. Follow them instead.
92. RT a #FF list that you’re in is just, well, vain.
93. Save tagging your twitter friends at a tweet up for facebook where I don’t have to see it.
94. Upgrade from your jitterbug grandpa. Tweets via text should have died with AOL 3.0.
95. Quanality. If youre suffering from writers block step away for a few. Take a smoke break.
96. Get your spouse on Twitter so you can see what acts of infidelity they’re partaking in. it may just save your marriage.
97. On a ski slope? Wait ‘til youre done shreddin’ to tell me how you were shreddin’. I only do Black Diamond courses.
98. ALL OF THE KLOUT SCORES
99. If you’re still an egg you’re one short of a bakers dozen.
100. Please spend time with me. Sitting in this apartment by myself is utterly depressing.

Im a Hypocrite. I break every rule.