"Foe"Rensics: Tuscaloosa

Hello. Welcome to a new weekly feature, "Foe"rensics. Throughout the season, we'll use this space to go out CSI style on the Hokie's opponent this week to help you acquaint yourselves with the competition. This will allow you to demonstrate your unparalleled knowledge of not only your hometown Hokies, but the diversity of competitors across this great football landscape. To make it as "fan friendly" as possible, I'll use questions that I've heard from you, our faithful readers. To start with, let's take a closer look at the University of Alabama.

They are all super into plaid hats for some reason

1.Hey, I heard Alabama is pretty good at football. Is that true?

A.Yes. They have won an unofficial 47 national titles, which far outweighs Virginia Tech's puny one (which was, of course, in bass fishing). Some of these claimed national championships are not without controversy, particularly some of the older ones, in some cases won before the BCS, polls, or even football itself was invented. Others invite scorn from jealous rival fans that claim they are not technically national football titles¹.

2.So...we're going to lose, then, right?

A.Hey, hey, hey, not so fast, my demoralized friend! To quote an old football adage, "The game isn't won on paper" (unless it is table football, which accounts for two of Alabama's 53 national championships). While Alabama is a favorite of almost unprecedented overwhelmingness, with a point spread not seen since Mike Ditka took on the Red Army, we still need to at least show up.

3.Do we have any realistic chance to win?

A.Well, no. The best we can truly hope for is that all of our players to withstand the horrific Tide onslaught without being "Crimson Rolled (more on that later). Las Vegas bookmakers have early odds of 13/1 against all 85 Hokies returning alive.

4.I heard their head coach, Nicholas Saban, is from West Virginia. IS THAT TRUE?

A.Well, now you've unearthed our secret weapon. Saban was born in Fairmont, West Virginia, just a stone's throw from the most famous monorail east of the state of Mississippi. A dedicated cabal of Hokie boosters privy to this knowledge have recruited a crack team of (probably drunk) students to hide several couches dating from the mid-90s (all emblazoned with a variety of lovely floral prints) in the bowels of the Georgia Dome that they will ignite behind the Alabama sideline at the start of the second half. The goal is to mesmerize Saban with the dancing flames and a cooler of Miller High Life to distract him from coaching the 2nd half.

5.Speaking of Saban...he's quite the dapper lookin fella. Any chance he has a daughter?

A.No.

6.Someone told me the world famous movie "Little Nicky" is based entirely on Head Coach Saban. Could that be?

A.Not entirely. Despite premiering during Saban's first year at LSU, prior to any of his personal national championships, the movie does accurately convey his relationship with Satan (as confirmed by several of his colleagues) and his unusually "Little" stature (he stands 4' 2"). The movie is said to detail his pact with Lucifer which allowed him to win a lot of national championships (seven in the last four years alone) before condemning him to spend eternity as a larger than life (four times larger, to be precise) statue outside of Bryant-Denny Stadium.

Nick Saban and his daughter

7.Does Alabama have any other famous coaches?

A.Yes. Their all time winningest² coach is Mike Price, but name dropping Mike DuBose will also demonstrate an intricate knowledge of Alabama football history under coaches named Mike.

8.That's a lot of knowledge about their coaches you just dropped on me! Does Alabama have players also?

A.Yes, they have several. Their most famous player is Raymond Anthony "AJ" McCarron, who is their holder. He ignited controversy last year in the national championship game, as he was dating Brent Musberger's ex-girlfriend Sandra Bullock at the time, inviting some unpleasant remarks from the commentator's booth during the game. He is also known for going by "AJ" when it seems like he should really be "RA" or just Ray or Tony or something like that. Where the hell did AJ come from?

How did Brent let this one slip through his fingers?

9.Do they have any players with cool names?

A.Yes, their coolest player name is HaHa Clinton-Dix. Devastatingly, this is not his birth name (Ha'Sean, which is, admittedly, also pretty baller), but it remains unrelentingly awesome that old white commentators are forced to say his name when introducing him. He's actually good at football as well, leading the team in interceptions last year.

They also have a gentleman named "Xzavier", which, from a phonetic standpoint, really is the most logical way to spell that name. Also, his last name of "Dickson" brings the total of cool player names that ALSO contain the sound "Dicks" to two. A truly troubling statistic for Bud Fosters defense.

10.Any other players we should know about?

A.Yes. They also have Vinnie Sunseri in their secondary. While not noteworthy in and of himself, he is the brother of famed Saskatchewan Roughriders quarterback Tino Sunseri.

11.Do they have any Fullers on their roster?

A.Sadly (for Alabama), they have exactly NO Fullers on their roster, which means they have nothing to counter either Kyle OR Kendall with. This would normally spell doom for an opponent if they did not have their 61 national title trophies to use as weapons against our players.

12.I'm confused by their mascot. Are they the Alabama Elephants?

A.No.

13....What is their mascot, then?

A.A Crimson Tide.

14.Oh. Why do they have an elephant on their sidelines, then? And what the heck is a Crimson Tide?

A.I'm glad you asked! The story is of profound historical significance to the greater Tuscaloosa area. In 1940, in celebration of the 100th anniversary of their first national football title, a rich alumni bought an Elephant for the university named Tide. Tide was greatly loved by the townspeople and students alike, even garnering affection from rival teams. One of which, Sewanee, played at Alabama in a bitterly cold December blizzard that year, with the Thin Red Line³ (as Alabama were then known) winning the game handily (as well as two national titles) that afternoon. After the game, the Sewanee team bus wouldn't start and their players asked to sleep in Tides stall with him, as he was known for the excessive warmth he radiated. Unfortunately, they did not realize he was a restless sleeper and the next morning, Tide's caretaker awoke to find no sign of the Sewanee team and a sheepish Tide, who was stained a deep red color. Ever since, they've been known as the Crimson Tide Elephants⁴. It's also why Alabama fans yell "Crimson Roll" or "Roll Tide", in an effort to encourage their heavier players to roll onto and crush their opponents to death⁵.

15.I understand Alabama has a pretty healthy in-state rivalry.

A.A rivalry yes, although I'm not sure "healthy" is how I would characterize it. The animosity between Tuscaloosa and the rival University of Alabama institution at Birmingham is so intense that they've never been able to successfully take the field against each other. Despite Alabama's historic success against the SEC and other in state institutions (and the aforementioned 78 national titles), this means that Alabama has never been able to successfully claim an Alabama State Championship.

16.Final thoughtswhat should we watch for in the game?

A. Well, if you can keep your eyes off Sandra Bullock, there might be a pretty darned good game going on down on the field (until the couch blaze goes down, then all bets are off). Heres what Im looking forward to seeing:

• The Fullers. Obviously.
• Alabamas inexperienced offensive line going up against pure rage.
• If Hunter Windmuller can battle his way to the top of the depth chart at running back (or if he makes it there by default through further injury and attrition).
• If our wide receivers drop enough balls to allow us to hear Coach Mooreheads profanity over the Marching Virginians and the Thousand Buck Band (Alabamas world famous beat boxing group).
• If Logan Thomas plans to throw all five of his interceptions for the year to Alabama or if hes going to space them out over the season.
• How many "This guy was at prom two months ago!" jokes the commentators make about our secondary.

Thanks for joining us and for your informed and inquisitive questions. Look forward to seeing you here next week for West Carolina. One last thing before we go. I posted this in the forums last week, but since I keep hearing that my Hokies are going to get crushed on Saturday, I'd like to leave you with some inspirational words of wisdom from one of my personal heroes.

#BEATBAMA

¹These critics point most often to the titles won in "ftbol" as well as the claimed intramural Quidditch championships
²Winning defined as securing the funds of an employer to procure lap dances without ever doing any work for said employer
³Named for a so-so Terence Malick movie
⁴They've also been known as the Sewaneese Soul Crushers as no sign of the Sewanee football team has been seen since that season
⁵Further information on origins of the "Roll Tide" chant can be found here