In the wake of recent events, what with a new AD and the KeyPlay baby showing up yesterday, I thought it would be prudent to rejoin our Hokies in 2036 to check in on the state of the program.
On this warm September day, it is Head Coach Shane Beamer's fifth season in charge and he is yet to fully replicate the success of his predecessors. Head Coach Bud Foster retired after winning his third national championship, and he will be honored at halftime today in the Frank Beamer Terror Dome, a retractable roofed, on campus dome seating 114,000, built with the hundreds of millions of dollars raised by AD Whit Babcock. The dome was named for the two time national champion coach and Frank's only disappointment is that they did not meet his request to accommodate a 1/2 mile race track inside.
Shane has assembled a formidable team this year, with a secondary and wide receiving corps filled with Fuller cousins. Running back Drew Harris has finally qualified and is expected to take the bulk of the carries this year. But the highlight, to be sure, is senior quarterback Vincent Corey Kyle Kendall Fuller Keyplay, commonly known as Vick (for his initials, ViCKK) . It was a whirlwind recruiting of the five star quarterback and consensus #1 recruit years earlier, with FSU, Bama and an Ohio State University making a push for him, but in the end, everyone knew his heart lay in Blacksburg. At his commitment announcement, Vick elected to pull Logan Thomas out from underneath the table to hand him his Virginia Tech hat.
After starting the year with a resounding 47-3 win over East Carolina, the Hokies 24th consecutive year beating them, the Hokies are opening conference play early against Notre Dame. The Irish were finally forced to join the ACC as a full member after UVA disbanded their team in 2024 having not won a game in six years.
Defensive coordinator Torrian Gray is angry that his defense had given up three points last week; they are the first points they've allowed at home since the loss to Duke the previous October. Duke is, of course, the Hokies annual competition for the Coastal Division title now that Miami has deemphasized football, UNC is still under investigation for academic scandals and Georgia Tech has yet to pull the plug on the Paul Johnson experiment. The game against the cupcake Irish will serve as a good warm up for the Blue Devils next week.
Offensive coordinator Tyrod Taylor is confident in Vick Keyplay's abilities, and he doesn't let Taylor down, rushing for two touchdowns and passing for five more on the hapless Irish. The Irish have been awful for over two decades now, haunted by what is commonly known in college football as the Spectre of Manti Te'o's Dead Girlfriend and their luck continues to be poor today. Or else it was getting absolutely road graded by the dominant offensive line under Coach French all day. After Coach Searels utilized the analysis of Coach French to turn the Hokie offensive line into the most dominant unit in college football, he would only retire on the condition that he could turn the line over to Coach French.
Regardless, the 72-0 final score did not reflect the true chasm between the two programs today. Coach Beamer eased off the gas after Irish starting quarterback "Sandy" Vag Zumwalt was knocked out of the game with a vicious but clean shoulder to the sternum by starting whip Caleb Grimm. The biggest disappointment of the game is that the Fuller secondary was not able to return any of their four interceptions for touchdowns. Coach Gray is somewhat mollified by the fact that his defensive line combined for nine sacks and four safeties, and he elects not to punish the defense with running stadium stairs...this week.
But the coaches are trying to make sure they don't exhaust the players. Despite the short 10 game season, they fully expect to advance deep into the 64 team Bojangles National Championship Playoff Series. The players are secretly hoping they meet up with Oregon again, who have continued to dominate the Pac-18 despite the inclusion of actual (though non-functioning) wings as well as feathers all over their uniform. The Hokies have sworn revenge on the Ducks this year for their semi-final playoff loss last year in Autzen Stadium and plan on running the table this year to ensure home field advantage, knowing the Ducks will wilt under the chants of "Stick It In!" reverberating around the Terror Dome.