OT: Unpacking the Chipotle Burrito

For those of you who aren't on Twitter, Joe had some interesting thoughts on the Chipotle process and how, in his view, the system is beginning to fail the customer:

Done w/ Chipotle. Minuscule amount of meat in burritos. OK. Today they served uncooked rice. Crunchy burrito. Place has gone downhill fast.— THE KEY PLAY (@thekeyplay) June 24, 2014

I don't want to dismiss Joe's experience--he was in all likelihood the victim of a poor Chipotle experience. It happens. But I see this as an opportunity to discuss some of the things we can do as consumers to decrease the chances of this happening to us. Below are a few rules that have helped me make the most of my Chipotle visits.

As a brief aside, I have very strong opinions about burritos in general. Unfortunately, if you live on the East Coast (perhaps with the exception of Florida), you have already lost at the burrito game unless you make your own, but Chipotle is still an excellent consolation prize. I will try to spare you that sermon, though, and focus on Chipotle.

Getting Started: Burrito or a Bowl?

I always get a burrito without exception. I got a bowl once, and it felt like I was eating a salad, which I found highly objectionable. However, it is important to note that even if you wimp out and get a bowl, you can still get a tortilla on the side.

Rice and Beans

I don't necessarily have any hard rice and bean rules, but I don't see why you wouldn't treat yourself to both. They say brown rice is much healthier than white rice, so I always go with brown. I see no tactical advantage to the type of beans you go with, so I'll leave that up to the reader's discretion. Personally, I prefer black.

Always ask for "Fajita Vegetables."

I don't know why they call them fajita vegetables. They're just grilled peppers and onions, but I digress. They never explicitly ask you if you want them like they do with rice and beans, but they don't cost anything extra, and it adds to the total food content. Plus they're healthy because they're vegetables.

Always Get 2 Kinds of Meat.

This is, in my opinion, the most important rule. I am both blessed and cursed with the fastest metabolism in the world, and consequently, my philosophy for building a Chipotle burrito is predicated entirely on maximizing the amount of food I'm getting, specifically the protein content. Nothing is worse than getting a burrito that isn't loaded with meat. I've found the best way to avoid this is to always ask for two kinds of meat. Note, do NOT ask for double-meat. Ask for half of one kind of meat and half of another, so you'll only be charged for one kind of meat. In my experience, "half" is closer to about three quarters of a typical meat serving, and I almost always get more meat this way.

I usually get carnitas and steak or carnitas and chicken. Sometimes, if I'm feeling a li'l rambunctious, I'll get steak and chicken. ;)

Finishing Touches: Cheese, Sauce, and Guac

When they ask you "Mild, medium, or hot," it is always prudent to say "Mild." If you're a true player, you've chosen the burrito route, and the medium and hot sauces are considerably less viscous and they'll run on ya. "Mild" sauce is another example of curious diction on Chipotle's part--It's just pico de gallo, but that which we call mild sauce by any other name will add as much flavor and nutrition to your burrito.

Always get cheese; don't be obtuse.

Guac is probably the thing Chipotle does best. It's always fresh and you're burrito will be better when you include it, but you pay dearly for it. I usually bite the bullet and go for it, but it's certainly understandable if you choose to forgo this option on financial grounds.