"Foe"Rensics: BOWLRENSICS

Hello. Welcome to a new edition of "Foe"Rensics: BOWL SEASON or, dare I say, BOWLRENSICS. We'll take some time a bit later to dig into both El Paso and UCLA, but seeing as how you are a well rounded college football fan, you'd like to stay up to speed on what's going on elsewhere. There are so many bowls, it's hard to keep track of what's what and who's who, right? But you know what everyone can remember? To eat. Or else we would die. So I thought it would be helpful to compare each bowl to the bowl of food it most closely resembles. This should be weird.

Also, before we dive in, I just want to note that Kyle Fuller is an All-American. Hell yes.

1. Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Washington State vs. Colorado State

This is like a bowl of Pirate's Booty at a party where they are late serving dinner. Yes, you are starving/missing college football, which is pretty much the only reason you are eating this shit. But it ain't that good. Really, the only thing going for the snack and for the bowl game are the potential for pirate themed jokes (hi, Mike Leach!) and I think they've both been stretched too far at this point.

2. Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl: Fresno State vs. USC

This is like a bowl of crab legs and lobster tail at the Bellagio buffet. The talent on the field will be oddly far above and beyond what you are expecting from a bowl like this, just like eating lobster tail feels weird while the guy a table over is actually smoking THROUGH his oxygen mask. Sure, these two teams may not show up with any motivation and it's not like you're getting high quality lobster tail, but it's still pretty good and hey, it's Vegas. You honestly have no idea what's going to happen next.

3. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: San Diego State vs. Buffalo

This like a cracked Dixie bowl of dog food that you are now eating due to a lost bet made while drunk. Seriously, no one wants to be here and watch this shit. The venue is terrible, it smells bad and even the people that won/got invited to the bowl lost, because you aren't going somewhere GOOD, you're in Idaho in the dead of winter.

4. R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Louisiana-Lafayette vs. Tulane

This is like a bowl of Cincinnati chili. It's just like the regular chili we'll discuss later because it's in New Orleans, except somebody screwed with the ingredient list and now it's something that only people that are local like. Tolerate? Just say they like out of civic pride? Who knows, but it is a pale imitation of the good stuff.

5. Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl: Ohio vs. East Carolina

This is like a bowl of Special K with too much milk. Yes, we should root for East Carolina because the better they are, the better we look, just like Special K is probably better for us than our preferred Count Chocula. But Ohio is not good and ECU is going to overwhelm them just the milk made the cereal too soggy.

6. Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Oregon State vs. Boise State

This is like a bowl of Ruffles potato chips in a bone china bowl. The setting is glorious and the potato people are sort of happy to be here, but the quality of what's IN the bowl is lacking.

7. Little Caesars Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Pittsburgh

This is like a bowl of Chex Mix. Okay, yes it's probably better than Ruffles potato chips, but it's not great. You'll eat it if it's there. But there are definitely people who will swear by the stuff, just like people will get excited about the defenses in this game, with BGSU having a pretty good one and Pitt bringing Aaron Donald to the game. But, I dunno, two good defenses with two bad offenses is just like the problem with Chex Mix. Honestly, there's too much Chex in it for it to be good and not enough good stuff, like the pretzels and bagel chips.

8. San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Utah State

This is like a bowl of Secret Ingredient Soup that's missing its secret ingredient. Okay, maybe more like a bowl of Two Secret Ingredients Soup that's missing one of its secret ingredients. Yes, Utah State was really fun to watch before Chuckie Keeton's season ending injury, but now, meh. But, you still get the second secret ingredient, Jordan Lynch, proving that a tight end at quarterback works just as well in the MAC as it does the ACC.

9. Military Bowl: Maryland vs. Marshall

This is like a bowl with a scoop of Turkey Hill butter pecan ice cream and a scoop of store brand cookie dough ice cream. One of these teams beat us that definitely shouldn't have, and the other team didn't and maybe should have. This is a game of contrasts. But in the end, despite some redeeming characteristics of both sides, be it the entertainment value of Gator Hoskins and Rakeem Cato or the potential for Maryland storm trooper unis to make an appearance, both sides of this bowl aren't very good and probably aren't worth turning on the TV.

10. Texas Bowl: Minnesota vs. Syracuse

This is like a bowl of store brand chickarina soup. I don't think there is anything redeeming about this bowl. It is a knockoff of something that tastes awful to begin with, just like Syracuse is an example of subtraction by addition for the ACC. Minnesota is one of the worst B1G schools year in and year out and I actually feel a bit of pity for them since they now have to go to conference away games in Iowa, New Jersey and College Park, Maryland.

11. Fight Hunger Bowl: Washington vs. BYU

This is like a bowl of deep fried crickets. Yeah, part of you wants to try one, just like part of you wants to catch a glimpse of a team that can destroy Texas' defense so badly their coordinator gets fired AND YET manages to lose to UVa. But seriously, don't watch this, it will probably be awful. Okay, go ahead, try one bite, now we've got a bowl of partially eaten deep fried crickets covered in vomit.

I think the presentation really makes this not gross in any way

12. New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Rutgers

This is a bowl of soup made by your obnoxious friend using his own recipe. Chances are, this bowl will not be good, just like the soup will taste like he used real gold flakes and water from New Jersey. Regardless, you are NEVER going to hear the end of it, about the tradition of cooking in his family or how his ancestors invented soup. Just shut the hell up already, you and Yankees Stadium deserve each other.

13. Belk Bowl: North Carolina vs. Cincinnati

This is like trying a bowl of a new beef stew recipe you've never made before. It MIGHT be good, you have no idea, but it's probably going to be better if you add beer to the recipe/your stomach1. Also, would just like to point out this is a matchup of teams that beat the Hokies in 2012 and yet the Hokies went undefeated against them in 2013. BOOSH!

14. Russell Athletic Bowl: Louisville vs. Miami

This is like a bowl of Grandma Utz potato chips. By far the best potato chip you can eat and I will fight someone over that. Just like this is, to me, going to be the best non-BCS bowl. BUT, you can only get Grandma Utz in a limited area and I think only two of Louisville's games were broadcast outside of Kentucky, depriving the nation of Teddy Bridgewater and great potato chips. Miami is missing Duke Johnson, but I think they can figure out how to keep this one competitive.

15. Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl: Kansas State vs. Michigan

This is like a bowl of minestrone. Hey, Michigan and Kansas State! They're both pretty good, this should be a great game! Oh, they're both 7-5?! Ew. Oh hey, minestrone! I've always heard about that but never had it. Sounds great, I love Italian food. Wait...it's VEGETARIAN? WHAT IS THE GODDAMNED POINT OF THAT?

This doesn't seem like the most practical way to prepare tomatoes and WHY WOULD YOU SERVE FOOD WITHOUT MEAT, GIADA?!

16. Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Navy vs. Middle Tennessee State

This is like a bowl of celery left over from a work lunch platter someone brought in. It's sitting there at a weird time on a Monday and NO ONE is going to eat it unless they're desperate. At this point, yeah, Navy wins games and they're good at running the ball, but is it really that entertaining? And when you remember that they were the launching pad for Paul Johnson, doesn't it make you hate them a little bit?

17. Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. Ole Miss

This is like a bowl of Lucky Charms. Sure, there are fun parts, just like the candy in the cereal. OH, look, tons of Dr. Bo jokes on twitter! Oh, the option offense! But then you realize that even the candy isn't that great and the rest of it tastes like shit. Oh, and you have to deal with sideline shots of Paul Johnson, which is like the worst thing ever.

18. Valero Alamo Bowl: Oregon vs. Texas

This is like a bowl of pho. Everyone's going to be overhyping it because of Oregon's offense and it's Mack Brown's last game at Texas. You will hear WAY more about this than it is entitled to, and yeah, pho is good but people overhype the hell out of it. Plus, people mispronounce pho like "Foe" all the time, just like people always say "Or-e-GONE", which pisses the hell out of Oregonians...Oregoners?...people from Oregon. While this game will be entertaining, it will be much better if you ignore everything surrounding it until the game gets here.

19. National University Holiday Bowl: Arizona State vs. Texas

This is a bowl of that awesome soup your mom made you growing up. Almost without fail, this bowl delivers the goods every year in terms of entertainment, just like your mom's soup always tastes good, if for no other reason than the extra nostalgia seasoning in it. These two offenses look set to keep the pointsplosion tradition alive and it's worth it every time.

20. AdvoCare V100 Bowl: Boston College vs. Arizona

This is like a bowl of guacamole. It's going to be good, and like Andre Williams is to avocado (the main ingredient for goodness here), the addition of Arizona's awesome running back, Ka'Deem Carey (playing the part of lime, tomatoes, cilantro) makes this even better. Plus, add in a little Louisiana/tabasco sauce and it gets even better!2.

21. Hyundai Sun Bowl: UCLA vs. Virginia Tech

This is like a bowl of Turkey Hill Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. My favorite brand of ice cream and my favorite flavor, just like my beloved Hokies. People say you shouldn't eat raw cookie dough just like the haters say we'll never win a national title. Well, I'm pretty sure they do something to make the cookie dough safe and they didn't build that damn case for nothing. BUT, just like the ice cream, the Hokies are surely and steadily contributing to and hastening my eventual death from heart disease.

Eating the cookie dough ice cream WITH COOKIES! GENIUS!

22. AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Rice

This is like a bowl of brown rice. It's supposed to be good for you, but there's no taste and it's not actually as filling as you think it should be. Plus, someone offered it to you while you are halfway through that bowl of cookie dough ice cream, so are you really going to change the channel?

23. Chick-fil-A Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Duke

This is like a bowl of crab and asparagus soup. You may not have heard of this (much like people are just now realizing that Duke has a football team), but it's delicious. But, if you've had the soup before, while they are both delicious (and the soup is good as well) I think you'll agree that one of the ingredients overwhelms the other and I'm expecting the same thing here. Unless Johnny Football is literally drunk on the field, expect Texas A&M to score at will, but it won't be quite like the ACC Championship Game. I think Duke will definitely put up more points since Texas A&M, just like the rest of the SEC, doesn't believe in defense.

24. Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl: Georgia vs. Nebraska

This is like a bowl of butter pecan ice cream. YES, it's ice cream! It's Nebraska and Georgia! Oh, but wait, it's by far the worst kind of ice cream you can eat. And all Nebraska has going for it is the potential to lip read their coach's profanity on the sidelines. And Georgia is on roughly their third string team. Not QB, TEAM. So, to be asinine, this isn't your daddy's Nebraska OR Georgia.

25. Plainscapital Bank Heart of Dallas Bowl: North Texas vs. UNLV

This is like a bowl of the little cakes they have at the nice Korean buffet. You know, they might be pretty good, but you are so full from everything else and there's soft serve and sprinkles you could be eating instead so, you're probably never going to find out.

26. Outback Bowl: LSU vs. Iowa

This is like a bowl of gumbo. You may not have seen Iowa play this year. You may not have HEARD anything about Iowa this year other than jokes about Kirk Ferentz. Just like you may not have ever tried gumbo or know anything about it beyond people using it as a punchline in Cajun jokes. Rest assured, both are pretty good, but the real strength of this analogy is the spiciness of Les Miles combined with the blandness of Iowa; serving gumbo over rice, so to speak.

27. Capital One Bowl: South Carolina vs. Wisconsin

This is like a bowl of Froot Loops you're eating because you're too hungover to get anything else and you need some food in your stomach. You're head is pounding, Jadeveon Clowney SOUNDS like a good idea, but then you remember you aren't six years old anymore and he's been playing hobbled all year, so it isn't as fun as you think it is.

28. Vizio Rose Bowl: Michigan State vs. Stanford

This is a bowl of really good five alarm chili. This is going to smack you in the face, just like Michigan State's defense, and probably be the best thing you eat all bowl season that isn't the national championship game. But once is all said and done, it's more than likely going to come down to how well Stanford runs, which is also what the chili is going to give you in the end.

29. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Baylor vs. Central Florida

This is like the sad bowl of ice cream you make when you find all the vanilla and chocolate gone from the Neapolitan tub. Yeah, we've got Baylor/is still ice cream, but it's probably not going to be as great as you were thinking before you realized strawberry was the only flavor left. Plus it's going to be full of Bortles jokes on Twitter, which is the equivalent at this point of Strawberry out of Neapolitan ice cream jokes3.

30. Allstate Sugar Bowl: Alabama vs. Oklahoma

This is like a bowl of your best beef stew recipe. It'll have some high notes, because Bob Stoops will probably make at least one or two catty remarks about the SEC over the next few weeks. It's also very hearty, because it'll be out of hand by halftime and put you to sleep.

31. AT&T Cotton Bowl: Missouri vs. Oklahoma State

This is like a bowl of cheese melted over chili. The beef and the cheese came from the same place at one point (in this case, the Big XII) but the cheese has moved on to bigger and better things and are clearly the superior product at this point. However, this should still be a pretty good matchup and delicious meal.

If you weren't sure about or disgusted by that analogy, this should help. THIS IS THE BIG XII.

32. Discover Orange Bowl: Ohio State vs. Clemson

This is like a bowl of melted ice cream. This had such high hopes before it got exposed to the elements (read: FSU/USC and Michigan State) for too long. Both teams seemed to be world beaters at one point and now they are reduced to BCS at large bids because of their large fan bases. And yeah, you might watch this one just to see if EITHER team manages to show up, just like you might try to drink the ice cream even though it has been out so long it's starting to harden around the edges. I'm not sure it will be good for you, though.

33. BBVA Compass Bowl: Houston vs. Vanderbilt

This is like the bowl of salad they sometimes serve between the main course and dessert. It's light, there's nothing else to eat and you aren't really going to miss out on anything else if you eat it. Plus, Vandy being good is always kind of fun, and they both have decent passing attacks, so just watch it. You ain't got nothing else going on.

34. GoDaddy Bowl: Ball State vs. Arkansas State

This is like a bowl of the cranberry jello mold your wife's grandmother who can't cook makes for Thanksgiving. You're so close to the end (and best part) of the meal, and you get a bowl of this forced into your hand. And she's going to stare at you until you take a bite. Then she's going to start telling you about her choral group so she can watch you until you eat half the bowl.

35. Vizio BCS National Championship: Florida State vs. Auburn

This is like a bowl of pecan pie and Turkey Hill vanilla ice cream. I have reasons to root both for and against both of these teams (FSU being the devil, however my cousin went there and he's probably my favorite cousin; Auburn is a much longer story) but in terms of what's at stake (obviously) and the talent on the field, this is awesome. Despite pie not being as good as ice cream (just as people are screaming Auburn isn't as good as Alabama), the pecan pie adds some texture and compliments the greatest dessert on earth well. There is really nothing bad about this bowl, except for the off chance that Auburn wins, continuing the SEC obnoxious party. Just like some people will say this is pie WITH ice cream, rather than ice cream with pie.

1Probably no more than a bottle of beer in the stew, depending on the size of the recipe, but at least a sixer to get through this game
2Okay, that's a huge stretch of an analogy, playing this in Shreveport adds nothing of value for anyone, including the participants
3Yes, I think I just made fun of myself for making a strawberry out of Neapolitan joke.

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Comments

This just made my week.

FifthFuller - you have to come up to Lancaster County, PA and go here if you love Turkey Hill Ice Cream....

http://www.turkeyhillexperience.com/

You're welcome haha.

"And it is caught, it is caught for a touchdown"

FifthFuller - on your way to Lancaster County, PA stop by and visit me in Hanover, PA for some fresh Grandma Utz. I live 5 minutes from the Factory.

1. Your name is glorious.

2. Excellent first post.

3. I would weigh 500 lbs if I lived there.

4. Not to be indecent, but instinct tells me Grandma was a fine looking woman in her day. Are you willing to confirm or deny?

I'm not disagreeing - Grandma Utz are by far the best.

The other thing that PA is home to is Martin's Potato Chips...

Martin's

"And it is caught, it is caught for a touchdown"

Martin's BBQ Waffle Chips are awesome!!!! They taste like they were "marinated" for 2 days before they are fried. Went on the factory tour once and got them fresh out of the fryer.

Sorry, but these are the best chips to come out of Pennsylvania.

chips

twitter.com/weavez22

Hot and Spicy Jalapeno has my attention, but until I see a salt and vinegar I won't believe that these guys are tops.

Grandma is a beautiful German woman. I miss her dearly

Here is a picture of her as a young fraulein getting ready for Oktoberfest

Oktoberfest

Here is a picture of her training for the 1964 Tokyo Olympics

grandma training for olympics

Hanover pretzels good? Hersheys chocolate or Wilburs? Lebanon bologna? S Clyde Weaver meats and cheeses? Troegs beer? I have a in-law in the area and visit once or twice a year.

Troeg's - yes. I go most every Friday for happy hour.
I'm not much into pretzels - it's a PA dutch thing, and I'm a southern boy at heart.
Hershey's fresh, but Wilbur's has better chocolate. Litiz is a nice little town - worth a visit to see some of the cool shops.

"And it is caught, it is caught for a touchdown"

It's been years since I had Wilburbuds, but I miss them so!

Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in bad humor.

My coworker brought some in for us at work - working in the middle of nowhere in Lancaster County does have it's advantages sometimes

"And it is caught, it is caught for a touchdown"

A lady I worked with at one point was from Lititz, and she brought me back some Wilburbuds when she went home for a visit, because she knew I am a chocoholic. I made sure I visited Lititz when my wife and I made a trip to central PA a year later.

Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in bad humor.

Turkey Hill Cookies And Cream. But I feel ya....

Tweedy can run like a dadgum antelope or whatever. I like to use scalded dog. Do antelopes lumber? Cheetah, OK. He runs like a cheetah. He's fast. - Bud Foster

You got Texa$ playing oregon and A-state. Think you meant Texas Techmo for the latter?

Go Hokies!

It's the Mack Brown farewell tour. Texas will also be playing its spring game against the Texas State Fightin Armadillos.

Thanks for clearing that up. I was worried you could have made a mistake there for a second.

Go Hokies!

I heard Texas State has a decent kicker

Necessary Roughness

I'm here for the memes, I just stay for the football.

+1 for obscure movie reference

Necessary Roughness FTdubs.

"You know when the Hokies say 'We are Virginia Tech' they're going to mean it."- Lee Corso

Mr. Blake. They will not touch you.- Manu Manu the Slender.

Viva El Guapo

Once again you succeeded in making me pee myself. The minestrone analogy was classic.

Some dive. I go steep and deep.

Giada can keep doing weird things with tomatoes any day in my house.

Correct.

Huge boobs + huge head + huge smile + tiny body =

"You know when the Hokies say 'We are Virginia Tech' they're going to mean it."- Lee Corso

= Mrs Dave, who is a Giada clone from the neck down : )

(actually she doesn't have the bobble head thing going. but yes, I have a hot wife. she is also a truly great wife and mom. but she is also hot)

She can simmer my stew.
Make my all day gravy.
Make sauce from my tomatoes.
Run my pasta through the machine.
Pour on all the pesto she wants.
Lick the strawberry from my Neapolitan.
Roll my spicy meatballs.
Stuff my cannoli.
Put the lasagna in her oven.
Or just stand there, breathe and say, "Olive Oil."

Danny caught that ball.

Friends don't let 5 star friends commit to UVA.

I have inside info. - Whit

I'll just put this here...

giada loves wiener

I'm here for the memes, I just stay for the football.

I've never understood the obsession with lucky charms. Everytime there's lucky charms in food service, everyone loses their goddamned minds, when clearly the superior cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Uh, no. Texans, sheesh!

VTCC '86 Delta Derelicts, Hokie in Peru

Nope. Their commercials are obnoxious and I have this weird thing where I refuse to buy products if their commercials annoy me.

Hence, I can never buy another used car again...

As stated already, Blue Bell is from Texas. Who is the last Hokie football player from Texas? Meanwhile, Turkey Hill hails from the same state as Kevin Jones, Jim Druckenmiller, Kyshoen Jarrett...where's your program loyalty?

Though he didn't grow up there, I found one Hokie born in Texas.

His younger brother starts for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

No, I *don't* want to go to the SEC. Why do you ask?

Some interesting analogies, well done! And props for throwing in some Giada and her All-America cleavage. ....oh yeah, pho is awesome.

I didn't make it past the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, and I am considering becoming a vegetarian.

Viva El Guapo

Full disclosure, Giada is a UCLA alumnus.

Coale'd blooded

I saw that! Their alumni Wikipedia page is ridiculous.

I briefly considered a Giada television ban in my house until after the bowl, but there's no way I can do that.

You'd have to forego Wonder Years and Step By Step as well and is any man that strong?

Am I the only one who finds this:

rather creepy?

"That move was slicker than a peeled onion in a bowl of snot." -Mike Burnop

Yes.

Danny caught that ball.

Friends don't let 5 star friends commit to UVA.

I have inside info. - Whit

Are you insane? Too much chex in chex mix? The chex is the best part, everything else gets in the way. The pretzels are tolerable but the bagel chips and weird breadstick things get thrown out my car window.

I think they make chex mix that is all chex and it is glorious.

Haha, they do, it's called Chex and it's on the cereal aisle.

PS. It is awful :o)

It took me so much longer than I'd like to admit to realize that all of the food in this post is served in bowls. BOWLS. GET IT?!?

Ughh. Anyway, as always, great write-up! Helpin' keep that Fuller name proud.

"We've got a lot of great memories here."
-Frank Beamer, speaking of TKP (probably)

Let me just say that this

Plainscapital Bank Heart of Dallas Bowl

is absolutely the worst name of a bowl game ever. I mean I can't even say it. As in I physically can't say it. WTF with the words "Bank" and "Heart" being one after the other in a sentence? Or being in the same sentence period? It's as if somebody cut words out of the newspaper at random and pasted them together. Like next year the game will be called "Dish Network Pancreas And Passaic, New Jersey Measuring Cup." (Which is far easier to pronounce than "Plainscapital Bank Heart Of Dallas Bowl.")

That is my complaint for today. Thanks for listening.

In fairness to the good people at Plainscapital Bank Heart, I believe the official name may be the Heart of Dallas Bowl Presented by Plainscapital Bank. A certain intrepid young reporter...blogger...dude full of shit may have taken a principled stand against writing "Presented by" for any bowl. Or he's lazy as hell, that has yet to be disproved.

Uhhhhh... Dayton?

I've been to Fifth Third Field... it's named for the bank. Which is an awful name for a bank.

Achievement unlocked: All of the Fullers

History lesson: Fifth Third Bank is the result from the merger of two banks back in the early 1900's. Guess what their names were?

1. (As stated already above) Pho is delicious. Especially with lots of sriracha. Im talking a clean out your sinuses amount of sriracha.
2. I lost it at the GoDaddy Bowl analogy. Well done sir!

Carry Me Back