The Week That Was: The Chemist

This week was one of the most important weeks on Virginia Tech's sports schedule. Let's just say that Erick Green was not the only Hokie to get sent off with a win on his senior night. That's right, on Tuesday yours truly played his last intramural basketball game of a much-maligned career. Well, it may not be maligned per say...but definitely historic.

Why historic? Because by all accounts (and by accounts I just mean my own), I am the losingest basketball player in the history of Virginia Tech IM sports. Before the season, I had won a total of one game in three years. ONE. And it wasn't just the losses, it was the margin of those losses. There was one time that a ref asked if we wanted take the mercy rule at halftime, because we were down THIRTY. Think the second half of this week's Tech/Duke game...only for three years.

Needless to say, when my team beat the Brown Mambas in the first round of the playoffs this season I was HYPE. I mean, I was more excited than Magic Johnson on Twitter. While my teammates were more than slightly confused, they couldn't say that my excitement wasn't contagious. It's a contagious type of energy that just spreads to everyone else on the floor.

I guess what I used that entirely too long story to say is this: the men's basketball team is one win over Wake Forest away from finishing out of the basement (and possibly grabbing the 10 seed), and need some energy. They need someone on the bench to have that contagious energy, Paul Debnam style, to get the guys going.

They need a chemist.

16. What's your favorite dumb subplot of the 2011-12 season?

During pregame intros for a Knicks-Suns game at MSG, I noticed Renaldo Balkman had thrown himself into that James Posey-type role for the Knicks: In other words, he's the last guy every starter greets during the intros, and he's the guy who waits at midcourt before the opening tap for one last round of "good luck" hugs and hand slaps. That got me thinking … why does every team suddenly have someone like this? Did James Posey start it? Was it Damon Jones? Was it someone earlier than them? Do teams elect this player or is it more of an unspoken embrace of that role? Does the player elect himself? What if two guys want to play that role? And what should we call this person?

Anyway, Grantland's Rembert Browne and I came up with the perfect name for this job ("The Chemist"); in terms of office chatter, it's reached the point where Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang sends us e-mails from Clipper games like, "Reggie Williams Jackson — F+ performance as OKC's chemist tonight!!!!" From what I've seen, the best two NBA chemists right now are Dr. Balkman and Dr. Nate Robinson; they're like the Bird and Magic of that job.

I'm not going to say that Joey Racer and the diminutive Marcus Patrick don't do a great job. They had huge shoes to fill when Paul Debnam (possibly the best chemist in Tech history) graduated. They've done a fine job; this team just needs something different. They need me.

I don't need a jersey or any sort of Nike gear, just a seat on the bench and a towel to wave. Anytime anyone hits a three, there will be three goggles, anytime someone dunks there will be celebrations.

Oh, and ass slaps. There will be a ton of ass slaps. It will be so glorious that not even Jarrell Eddie could look sleepy on the court.

Will this happen? Of course not. Would it make a difference? Well...probably not. But if anything might help, shouldn't we try it? MARCOLINI FOR CHEMIST.

In other news in the past week:

Grantland and Tobacco Road Blues writer Shane Ryan took a look at the history of one of the best nicknames in college basketball right now—Ryan Kelly's White Raven. The nickname is sort of like Mason Plumlee being in the ACC Player of the Year race. It doesn't really make sense, but the Dukies have run with it anyway.

More fuel on the the #BEATBAMA fire. Roanoke Times beat writer Andy Bitter told a story about Hokie cornerback/resident Twitter enthusiast Antone Exum, in which he talked smack to Dr. James Andrews (a Bama supporter) while coming out of anesthesia.

Andrews "went up to my mom and was like, 'He's delirious in there. All he keeps saying is how he's going to be back for Alabama and they're going to beat Alabama,' " Exum said. "So I guess that was the first thing on my mind."

Never known to be shy, Exum also took to Twitter, talking smack to Clemson wideout Sammy Watkins.

@sammywatkins7: 1. #ComebackSeason twitter.com/IAmSwag1/statu…— Antone Exum Jr. (@IAmSwag1) March 6, 2013

He also introduced me to the hash tag/phrase #YouWasInTheLibrary. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but I think I'm going to start using it in my everyday language...or at least while drinking.

Finally, SEC exploitation. First, coaches seem to be gearing up to abuse the unlimited contact they'll soon be able to have with recruits.

A college head coach told me he heard from an SEC school that's hiring staffers to do one thing: Text top recruits 100-150 times per day— Jeremy Fowler (@JFowlerCBS) March 6, 2013

Second, South Carolina saw the taxidermist over winter, and they mounted a dead Wolverine on their spring prospectus cover.

Have a good week(end) y'all.