"Foe"Rensics: Duke

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Hello. Welcome back to our regular "Foe"Rensics feature. This week we'll delve inside the Duke football program. Though it is clearly not the strength of the athletic department1, Duke is not a challenge to be overlooked, especially as it is the last game before we enter the sweet embrace of November Hokie football.

Ah, Durham, North Caro-oh my god what is that in the bottom of that picture NORTH CAROLINA WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?!

1. I'm still basking in the glow from that Pittsburgh win. I mean...that was AWESOME.

A. Yep. And Tom Savage just woke up sweating from a Dadi Nicolas nightmare. And Trey Edmunds just woke up from a dream where he rushed over 100 yards, realized it was a dream and is now crying.

2. Aw, poor guy. But hey! We're ranked again and a ton of teams ahead of us lost this past weekend and we didn't even have to play!

A. Indeed. So begins another season of me2 examining the rankings to determine the best order in which the teams ranked ahead of us should lose in order to allow us to vault into one of the two national championship spots. Yes, I do this almost every year, spending October (and sometimes deep into November) inflating our national championship hopes until something punctures them at last. And yes, I realize it's not happening this year, but we will get to play two teams currently ranked ahead of us (if we beat Miami and win out) and the PAC-12 teams still have to play each other and so does Bama and Auburn and LSU and Missouri-Baylor-Texas Tech and HEY, where are you going, okay I'll stop.

3. How about we focus on Duke and take things from there?

A. Okay, good plan. Sorry. Duke is a prestigious university located in the heart of North Carolina, sharing a campus with both UNC Chapel Hill and NC State. They were founded by the Duke family, powerful condiment magnates who ruthlessly corrupted politics in North Carolina (and, for a time, in Washington, D.C. before the powerful nutritionist lobby aligned against "Big Mayo"). During Prohibition, the Dukes used their mayonnaise operation as cover for producing and distributing vast amounts of Cheerwine that was EXTRA cheery because they made it the kind of wine that has alcohol. In order to effectively launder their proceeds from these nefarious operations, they decided to open a "university" and send all their friends' kids there to get "degrees". In reality, they were all learning how to tie bow ties and Windsor knots, the best way to sign the "IV" at the end of their signatures and the appropriate Yankees3 to interact with.

Which goes a long way to explaining why their basketball team is so white.

Eventually, Prohibition ended and they got bored and made Duke an actual, real school. In response to the nutritionist's villainization of the Duke family, they embraced the dark side and their blue blooded background and adopted the Blue Devil as their mascot.

A person at some point in history decided dressing like this and threatening a sheep was a good idea

4. Are they skilled in the arts of football?

A. Um...not really. They actually have quite a history, but like Pitt, much of it is ancient. Here are the best tidbits. They stole coach Wallace Wade (for whom their stadium is named4) from Alabama, just after he had won the Tide three national championships. In those days, Duke and Bama both played in the Southern Conference, so this was kind of a big deal. He went on to win six Southern Conference championships (or, two more than he won at Bama). Duke also has the honor of hosting the only Rose Bowl NOT played in Pasadena (in 1941) and has won seven ACC titles, four of them outright5. Duke won six of those championships in the 1950s and early 1960s under multi-talented Bill Murray.

Coach Murray was so good they won their fifth title despite him only allowing them to communicate on the field using choo choo sounds

5. Wow. TRADITION.

A. Yes, as in worshiping one time greatness to block out the pain of modern mediocrity6. They have fared much more poorly recently, their recent accomplishments including providing a springboard for Steve Spurrier to launch himself onto the dreams of Redskins fans which he crushed wholly. They also had a rather famous lawsuit by the University of Louisville during which Duke lawyers, in order to get out of paying a cancellation fee for backing out of the last three games of a four game series, argued and successfully proved that Duke was the worst Division I-A program in the country.

Duke's mascot at the time was less than impressed

6. Oh my god that sounds like such a Duke thing to do.

A. SERIOUSLY. More recently Duke's football program has enjoyed a bit more success. Last year, Head Coach David Cutcliffe's fourth, they won six of their first eight and earned a bowl berth before losing five straight to end the season (including a Belk Bowl loss to Cincinnati). Cutcliffe has been able to slightly upgrade the talent in the program and instill a spread offensive philosophy that has them averaging over 35 points per game so far this season. They have two legitimate quarterbacks, Anthony Boone and Brandon Connette and a super-talented wide receiver in Jamison Crowder. However, they have yet to face a secondary like ours nor a defensive line like ours nor fearsome linebackers like ours. So, really, our whole defense which, as you might infer, is scary.

7. Outside of football, anything they've done positively for the world?

A. Well, among the distinguished alumni of their law school they count federal investigator Ken Starr and a former president of the United States, Richard Nixon...okay, not strong examples. But hey, famous author and inspirational speaker Tucker Max also got his law degree there and...seriously, Duke, what the fuck is wrong with you?

8. Any way we can get Tucker to suit up on Saturday, so that James Gayle can decapitate him?

A. We can only dream.

9. Let's move on, I'm learning to hate them and it feels bad to despise the weak.

A. Right. Let's take a deeper look at their roster. Most admirably, they feature Breon Borders, who selflessly renamed himself to promote a charitable organization7. They lead the nation in Quays per roster at two (Quay Chambers AND Quay Mann) and, unsurprisingly, have a shockingly large number of players with names that strongly imply privileged upbringings. I can only highlight a few, such as Jackson, Braxton, Kelby, Kyler, Sterling, Tanner and Eamonn Vain-Callahan, whose name is so ridiculously Anglo-Saxon that I suspect he has a brother named thelred.

More like thelred the Unready, AMIRITE? Am I the only one that likes jokes about Saxon monarchs here?

10. Any other notes on their roster?

A. In Blacksburg, we like to stockpile brothers like the Fullers, Hopkins, Adibis, Warrens and Grimms. Duke also appears to have a penchant for brothers, although theirs run more along the lines of Kelby and Kyler Brown, JR and SO linebackers. Or the Conway twins, Jackson and Christian. I think I'll stick with the Fullers.

Lastly, they have two famous children on their roster. The first, Max McCaffrey, is the son of legendary white wide receiver Ed McCaffrey, who made sure his son landed in the perfect place for him. If you arent familiar, Ed McCaffrey is one of the older entries in the "That guy plays just like !" game, meaning he is a forebearer of sorts of the Wes Welker/Danny Coale/Willie Byrn tradition.

The other famous child is the son of John (Cougar) Mellencamp, who is famous for singing rock songs in the 70s and 80s about being country, changing his name regularly and providing the soundtrack to a horrible truck commercial which I will NOT include here out of courtesy to everyone. He also named his son Hud, which is really only okay when you consider he also has daughters named Justice and Speck.

11. Speaking of Fullers...?

A. No Fullers. Nothing even approaching a Fuller.

12. Any important rivalries we should know about?

A. Duke essentially has a rivalry on some level with all of the ACC schools in North Carolina. You MAY have heard about the big Duke-North Carolina rivalry, although it is at it's strongest in lacrosse, not football. Duke also cultivates a cross-town rivalry with NC State which, I was shocked to learn, Duke actually leads 40-36-5. I mean, that's sort of embarrassing for NC State.

13. Wow. I thought NC State was good at football?

A. Well apparently not. Duke also maintains what they call a "Tobacco Road" rivalry with Wake Forest which, less surprisingly, Duke also leads 54-37-2.

14. Does anyone outside of North Carolina care enough to call them a rival?

A. Well, at this point UVA may consider Duke a rival as the Blue Devils have beaten them five of the last six years and UVA appears to think a rivalry means you always lose to someone.

15. Any good Duke traditions?

A. Aside from the teabagging of a former Syracuse quarterback, nothing comes to mind.

I'll just leave this here.

16. Ahahaha, I hate that guy. Now I'm hungry. Where should I eat?

A. As with our UNC Chapel Hill recommendation, THERE ARE MEMBERS OF THE FIFTHFULLER FAMILY TREE IN THE TRIANGLE. They have actually eaten at these places. If they had actually written this first review of our restaurant recommendation, Watts Grocery, they would no longer be acknowledged relatives. This first review from Matt M on Yelp was selected in part because it was douchey enough to come from a Duke alum:

"We sped to Watts Grocery as fast as we could one Sunday morning. We drifted into the parking lot at the strike of 11:00 am and made our own spot. Parking is okay, but when you return later, you'll probably discover some genius' parking fail obstructing your get away. We used our mad power walking skills to dust the aristocrats shambling out of their cars and booked it inside."

Personally, I don't take much joy in 'dusting' shambling old people, who traditionally bring their own dust with them. Nor do I lack the dignity to partake in 'power walking'. However, Watts appears to excel at brunch (and when in Rome...or Charlottesville, or Chapel Hill or Durham) and apparently they have ridiculously good churros and if that's not enough for you then I don't know what else to tell you8.

The dinner menu is going to be a little pricier and they put all sorts of fancy shit in there like "farm to table" and "locally sourced" and "confit" and "relish", but it should get you in a snooty enough mood to attend a Duke football game.

17. Do they make barbecue in Durham?

A. Indeed they do. I was torn, but in the end had to go with a relatively young restaurant called the Backyard BBQ Pit. I invite you first to go to their website, and enjoy the abstract animated intro, which at first threw me because it seems to be 'high art' and completely unsuited to barbecue. Then I realized that someone stole this from a Gateway PC that was lasted turned on in 1997 and realized that it fits barbecue perfectly9. I was also drawn by the following review:

"Hands down the Best Mac & Cheese EVERRRRRRRRR."

and not deterred by the reviewer who identified himself as a Brooklyn native and resident who raved about the Beef Brisket. Everyone seemed to agree that the restaurant was...not up to date in decorating standards and in a potentially not-safe-for-your-health part of town, which is all encouraging me that next time I'm visiting down there, I'm going. Also, remember that the game is in Blacksburg this weekend, so don't eat at any of these places. Yet.

18. Good point. What should expect from Logan Thomas and the COUNTDOWN TO FIVE INTERCEPTIONS:

A. Against Pitt, Logan once again only completed passes to the correct team and there were no interceptions PERIOD, let alone Fuller picks. Frankly, I'm a little disappointed in our secondary and wondering what we need to do to get Torrian Gray's guys to perform, because continuing at this level is unacceptable. That being said, Logan's Fuller Adjusted Interceptions, or FAINT count remains at TWO. Now that we are bowl eligible, this leaves him 6 (or 7) games to throw three additional picks.

19. Alright, how about the RAGE MATCH?

A. So there were a lot of strong words written about Dadi Nicolas, who was truly a disruptive force and awe inspiring against Pitt. But you know what? Derrick Hopkins and Luther Maddy were pretty damn impressive on the inside, combining for three sacks. And Mr. J.R. Collins and James Gayle were wreaking havoc all day as well. So this week, the ENTIRE DEFENSIVE LINE wins the #RAGEMATCH. Seriously, when you drop a dude eight times (nine with a forced fumble if you count the two point conversion attempt) that is an all around effort. So kudos to Dadi, who definitely shined, but the entire line gets the win this week.

20. Fair enough. What should we watch for in the game?

A. Aside from making sure Tucker Max doesn't show up to stick something inappropriate someWHERE inappropriate:

  • If the Fullers can become the first brothers to combine to score six defensive touchdowns in a single game
  • I'm not saying boo about any day care of ANY KIND being back this week because I'm bad luck apparently
  • If our secondary can make up for the Pitt game by picking off eight passes to get Torrian Gray off the hot seat
  • If we can shut down the short passing game and quarterback running game enough to frustrate Duke into forcing stupid throws that will lead to glorious interceptions
  • Hoping someone does NOT make the "Max McCaffrey reminds me of Danny Coale!" comment on Saturday
  • Hoping that the announcers are making jokes about Duke wishing it was basketball season by the second quarter

Told ya'll I was bringin em back this week

That's all for Duke. Next week we return with an in depth look at our last matchup with Maryland as an ACC foe (and probably, hopefully, forever).

1Clearly LAX, bro
2Pretty sure I'm not alone here
3The only acceptable Yankees are those that invest, manage and grow the family fortune
4NOT the Scottish guy from Braveheart, turns out, which sucks
5And, counting shared titles as 1/2 a title, exactly 5 1/2 times as many titles as UVA
6Sadly, UVA lacks the one-time greatness piece of this puzzle
7If it turns out he was promoting that shitty Angelina Jolie movie, I'ma be pissed
8I had to include this, as Ian W was trying way too hard in his review of Watts:

"I've never been disappointed. Well, I was disappointed by this girl in high school. I loved her for all four years of high school, then after that through college, and there were some years beyond that. Every once in a while we would get together and try to make things work, but we ended up being too different people. I'm a very loving and protective person when it comes to my girlfriends. She, on the other hand, loved to tell me I was the only one for her and then date her band mates and marry some dude she said she had broken up with and then slept with me. I guess I was disappointed then. I've never been disappointed with Watt's though."

9If your restaurant doesn't have history, getting throwback 90s graphics on your website is a good start at faking it

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"The Big Ten is always using excuses to cancel games with us. First Wisconsin. Then Wisconsin. After that, Wisconsin. The subsequent cancellation with Wisconsin comes to mind too. Now Penn State. What's next? Wisconsin?" -HorseOnATreadmill

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