"Foe"Rensics: Pittsburgh

Hello. Welcome to this week's installment of "Foe"Rensics, where we try to share information many people don't know about this week's football opponent¹. Pittsburgh is a proud city (also known locally as MelonCarnegieHeinzville) with a strong industrial tradition that produces some blue collar football players. Frankly, they were idiots not to hire Bud Foster and bring the Lunchpail D north the 47 times they've changed head coaches in the last ten years. But, one school's stupidity is another's gain, I guess.

Pittsburgh during the Dan Marino era

1. So that game against North Carolina was...not really that stressful? Can you...is watching football SUPPOSED to feel that way?

A. Actually, yes. Years ago, Virginia Tech played games ALL THE TIME that didn't make you want to eat fried Crisco until your heart exploded to escape the pain of Saturday afternoon. I vividly recall winning games (against conference opponents) 50-0, 49-0, 55-6 and (my favorite) 62-0 (over a ranked Syracuse). One day, we may be able to get back to getting too hammered at the tailgate to be able to remember the game and knowing it won't matter.

But I must say, being 5-1 at this point feels pretty damn good. This has been a very fun team to watch and as soon as we get the running game going again, I'll feel good about our chances against the top tier teams in our conference.

2. Okay, so Pittsburgh's next, huh? The...Steelers?

A. One would think, but no. We are actually playing the PANTHERS of the University of Pittsburgh. The University of Pittsburgh was originally founded by Free Masons after they were chased out of Washington, D.C. by an angry mob for orchestrating the election of Thomas Jefferson. They found a small but rapidly industrializing and growing city in the Allegheny Mountains and decided they would try to ruin it next. What many people do not realize is that Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol" actually takes place in Pittsburgh, not DC. Every time he names a building or a street in the book, just change the name to some combination of "Heinz", "Carnegie" and/or "Melon" and it will be the corresponding museum/archive/coffee shop in Pittsburgh. In fact, if you take the first letter of the first word in every chapter in "The Lost Symbol", it spells "IC LIGHT RULES GO STEELERS FUCK THE BROWNS" because no one, not even the Free Masons, cares about the Steelers' little football brother, the Panthers².

The Free Masons built an enormous tower to keep the secrets of their guild/order/society/book club and named it the Cathedral of Learning (seriously, this is a building that exists and that is its actual name). From the top four floors, they control the steel industry and OPEC, as well as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, the Presidents of the United States, Russia and France³, the Premier of China and the Mongol hordes they have hidden in Kazakhstan.

The Cathedral of Learning has yet to recover from the Dave Wannstedt era. It also has a Chick-fil-A.

3. Wow. If they're that powerful, they must pull strings to make Pitt pretty good at football, huh?

A. Well...no. Pitt was actually a regional and sometimes national power back in the day, racking up 9 claimed national titles, although only one since Bud Foster has been alive. Interestingly enough, they are the anti-Alabama in that although at least one recognized authority has proclaimed them national champions in seventeen (SEVEN-FREAKING-TEEN) seasons, they only claim nine. To be fair, I'd be sketchy about claiming a national title in a year I only won four games also (looking at you, 1918)⁴.

Going back through their history is quite an impressive tour and, if we were facing them in a season before Prohibition ended, I'd write this game off as a guaranteed loss. Their earliest national titles were won under the stewardship of Glenn "Pop" Warner before he went on to found the level of football that UVA currently competes at. They really hit their hey day under Jock Sutherland, winning five more national titles from 1929-1937 before completely nose diving into the morass of mediocrity which they find themselves mired in today. Although they had a brief resurgence in the 1970s, winning one more national title behind Dan Marino's arm Tony Dorsett's legs, they don't really do much these days besides valiantly stand vigil over the middle of a conference's standings SEASON AFTER SEASON and churn out ridiculously good wide receivers like Antonio Bryant and Larry Fitzgerald.

4. Oh. So, we've got a pretty good record of spanking them, then?

A. Uh...well, no. Oh, Pitt football, where do I even start with you. After starting off last season (Head Coach Paul Chryst's first) in the worst possible way by losing to (ahem, getting TAIL HAMMERED by) Youngstown State, they proceeded to turn around their season by smacking us all over Heinz Field. Which I can justifiably say was unusual only because we hadn't played them in nine years. Back when we were both still in the Big East (may it rest in pieces, most of them in the ACC), they had spent the last three years we were there smacking us around THAT conference⁵. All four of these losses occurred while the Hokies were ranked in the top 13 to Pitt teams ranked either significantly lower (once) or not at all. So THANK GOD we managed to sneak back into the polls just in time for the Pitt game.

Despite the succession of terrible coaches, at least we can be proud we never lost to Dave Wannstedt. No, our losses came at the hands of Walt Harris, who seemed like he was always wearing Transition lenses and was only at Pitt until he could parlay his job into the Stanford head coaching gig, where he proceeded to get fired after two years with the worst winning percentage for a Stanford head coach ever. EVAR. And he holds a three game winning streak over us which he will take to his grave. In fact, the last time we beat Pitt, a certain Michael Vick was on the field. Well, for the first half at least, until Pitt hurt him. Which probably directly led to our only loss that year the following week to Miami and GODDAMMIT WE REALLY NEED TO BEAT PITT THIS WEEK OR I'MA BE PISSED.

Those glasses haunt my dreams.

5. GREAT. And now they're going to haunt MINE, TOO.

A. Sorry.

6. Let's get back on track. Tell me something else about Pitt, any good alumni?

A. Okay, good, softball question, thanks. Pitt has contributed many alumni to the world. They've had some notable success in the family friendly entertainment arena, with luminaries such as Gene Kelly (of Singin in the Rain) and Mr. Rogers (from his neighborhood). But sadly, these gentlemen do NOT make up for the one alum that forces me to cry out "No, Mr. Rogers, I WON'T be your neighbor." And I'm not talking about Mark Cuban.

SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL, are those glasses standard issue at Pitt?!?! GAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Sorry to do that to everyone.

7. MY EYES!!! THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!

A. Okay, okay, in their defense (if only for leniency in sentencing), Pitt has brought us two notable alumni. The first is Harry Kendall Thaw⁶, the son of a Pittsburgh coal and railroad baron (SERIOUSLY), who found out a woman he was obsessed with had slept with his mortal enemy (Stanford White), THEN used his money to deviously manipulate her into marrying him. THEN he decided White sleeping with the lady prior to Thaw even knowing her let alone marrying her (and despite the fact that Thaw KNEW it happened before he conned a ring onto her finger) was a BRIDGE TOO FAR and decided to shoot him to death on top of Madison Square Garden (ON TOP OF!) in front of dozens of people. He then bought some amazing lawyers who dreamed up temporary insanity (first use of that defense, Hail Pitt), walked out of the mental asylum and booked it for Canada. THEN (oh, it keeps going) when he was brought BACK, they re-tried him where the jury both found him not guilty and legally sane. Seriously, you have to read this whole thing, it's amazing.

8. Hail...Pitt?

A. Right. Lastly, Pitt contributed a true master of the culinary arts to the world, who graced us all with the first Nick Saban Jello Mold, and if you don't subscribe to his recipe posts, you probably haven't thrown up recently enogh.

Not even Spilly can make up for Mark May.

9. Can we stop talking about him? Talk about someone else.

A. Okay! Let's take a look at their roster. They are led by senior quarterback Tom Savage, who has shown slightly more skill at completing transfers than passes. Pitt is his third college, after Rutgers and Arizona, so keep reaching for those stars, Tom. He is the illegitimate son of Fred Savage (born during his alcohol-fueled Wonder Years) and Jeremy Piven's sister.

He takes after his uncle

While sitting out for two years, Tom started a band with ex-teammate Caleb Garden and had some noteworthy success on the adult pop charts in Australia.

10. Can we show this to James Gayle and ask him to remove Tom's larynx?

A. I'll pass a note along.

11. Anyone else on their roster stand out?

A. As has become the custom in recent weeks, Pitt is ALSO attempting to counter the Fuller effect by siblifying their team. But they are being remarkedly subtle about it. For starters, I give you Jevonte and Lafayette Pitts, who attempted to double their attack points by taking the name of their school as their surname. Alas, they are only cousins.

Next, Jeremy Gonzales and Anthony Gonzalez, brothers whose relationship Pitt attempted to HIDE by changing the last letter in their last name. Truly devious.

Finally, I give you the sordid, amazingly complex case of Ronald Jones, Jayrid Jones-Smith, LaQuentin Smith and Khaynin Mosley-Smith, four young men who are all half brothers to at least one of the others. Sadly for Pitt, four half brothers cannot hope to overcome two full Fuller brothers.

12. Speaking of the Fullers...do they have any Fullers?

A. They do not, and God have mercy on the Jones/Smith/Mosley brothers.

13. Amen. Any important rivalries we should know about?

A. Pitt has a rather heated rivalry with the 'Neers of Morgantown, known as the Backyard Brawl because the only place large enough up in the mountains to play a football game was normally in some rich guy's backyard. Pitt holds a distinct edge both in games won and couches NOT burned, but due to recent conference realignment, they have not met since 2011 and have no plans to do so in the future at this time.

14. So...the enemy of my enemy is my friend?

A. Sure, unless we're playing Pitt, which has recently meant "The enemy of my enemy is making me weep uncontrollably".

15. Ew. Anyone else?

A. Their strongest rivalry is with in-state school Penn State, whom they've played 96 times. Penn State holds a marginal lead in the series which, in keeping with recent Pitt tradition, is no longer played. In this case, however, it was last played in 2000 because Joe Paterno didn't want to play Pitt anymore, and I'll cede The Enemy of That Guy is My Friend to you here.

Lastly, they sorta got a rivalry with Syracuse and Notre Dame (unless you ask Notre Dame) and the Big East tried REALLY hard to fabricate a "River City Rivalry" between Pitt and Cincinnati which was just kind of sad.

16. Any good traditions we should admire from afar?

A. Yes! The Panthers now share a home with the Pittsburgh Steelers, Heinz Field, and they've done a number of innovative things since moving there. In coordination with Aropostale⁷ they created the "Aero-Zone", an on-field pocket of students which the school was forced to discontinue due to the overwhelming fear it struck into the heart of opposing teams and fans.

They've also begun to pour blood all over the scoreboard whenever they get inside the opponent's 20, which is just gross.

17. Mmmm, that's making me hungry! What's good eats in Pitt?

A. Again, I cannot overstate my usefulness here by telling you I've been to Pittsburgh MORE THAN TWICE⁸ while at the same time reminding you this is a home game so please don't go to Pittsburgh this weekend. Until Spilly opens a restaurant, I can only recommend that when you DO go there, venture over the river to the South Side and wait in line at Fat Heads Saloon. They continue the important Rust Belt tradition of attempting to MEAT you to death, taking great pride in calling their sandwiches Headwiches because they are as big as your head. Seriously, what is with the Big Meat thing? In the South they fry you to death, but get up north and they will just overrun your heart with wave upon wave of fatty meat like the Russian Army. Anyway, let's hear what the user reviewers on Yelp had to say about Fat Heads:

"So we are from pgh and when we come back to visit we always return to Fat Heads. We had the first bad experience of 10 years a couple weeks ago attributed to snotty service (he had mike ness hair and was very chubby on a Friday night), inconsistent food and a lackadaisical manger but today It was all righted."

Has anyone told Mike London they call Pittsburgh the pgh? Because that might be a secondary market to recruit, after the 757, of course. They should hold the Spring Game this year at Heinz Field.

Also, am I the only one that had to look up Mike Ness? And why is he only chubby on a Friday night? I prefer my Mike Nesses to be NON-chubby on Friday nights, although every other day of the week, they can chub it out all they like. Lastly, I'm impressed they spelled "lackadaisical" correctly but then seemed to be talking about someone who gives you mange, which you can apparently do in a lackadaisical manner.

Regardless, if you like large food, a wide beer selection and Social Distortion, hit em up.

18. My dog had mange once.

A. That's gross.

19. Yeah, it was. What about barbecue?

A. Well, unfortunately when you venture north of the Mason-Dixon, you frequently encounter barbecue restaurants that are marketing to the lowest common denominator and serve every kind of barbecue. To me, this is like going to an "Asian" restaurant that has Thai food, sushi and Chinese food. If you try to do everything, you're probably not going to do any one thing very well. Be that as it may, rules is rules and I must recommend barbecue in Pittsburgh. Apparently there is an old favorite, Clems, but they are butt far away from Pittsburgh and complaints about sugary sauce ruled them out. So, the Pittsburgh Barbecue Company it is. Let's go to Urban Spoon for a review:

"...whatever these people do to make the baked beans is sinfully good! I like my sauce a little sweeter, but you don't throw out a Rolls Royce because it has a scratch on the fender."

A complaint asking for sweeter sauce is an endorsement for me, as is the several other people who said the sauce was too vinegary. Plus, rave reviews about their baked beans which I love and my wife hates (she hates the fact that I love baked beans, not the beans themselves). A lot of people like their brisket, but their barbecue appears to be good as well.

20. Now I'm hungry. Let's get back to football. LOGAN THOMAS COUNTDOWN TO FIVE INTERCEPTIONS:

A. Recently, our calculated value of Fuller Adjusted Interceptions, or FAINTs, has been on quite a tear. This time it was KYLE's 4th down pick⁹ which sealed the win and reduced Logan's FAINT count to TWO. This leaves him 6 (or 7, or 8) games to throw three additional picks.

21. Alright, how about the RAGE MATCH?

A. It figures that as soon as I try to make this a thing there isn't a truly standout performer. Everyone played pretty well, from Luther Maddy's and Tyrel Wilson's sack each, to James Gayle's one TFL and four QB hurries and Mr. J.R. Collins 1.5 TFLs and one QB hurry. And although his stats seem more impressive, I hold James Gayle to a higher standard and will award this week's RAGE MATCH trophy to Luther Maddy, who added to his sack with one QB hurry and six total tackles, which is sort of impressive for a defensive tackle. Hopefully, this week against a quarterback with Bernie Kosar-like wheels they can get something going.

22. Way to use a reference from 20 years ago that went over half of the readers' heads. Final thoughts...what should we watch for in the game?

A. Aside from watching out for an impromptu AERO ZONE to appear in the visitor's section:

• If the Fullers can put their ferocious defensive tendencies to further good use and SHUTDOWN THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN. How much longer until Vinnie is old enough to run for President?
• (ahem, let's try this again) ANTONE EXUM DAY CARE BACK
• To ensure Tom Savage and Caleb Garden aren't able to sneak onto the field in an attempt to take over the halftime show
• The over under for how many times the announcers refer to us as "Old Big East Rivals" is set at 9. Also if stock footage of Walt Harris is broken out I may break my television.
• The furlough is over, beer is back in the budget this week!

That's all for Pitt. Next week is a bye week, so without an opponent to research, we decided to instead turn our investigative powers towards INVENTING THE FUTURE. Stay tuned!

¹And in some cases, NOBODY knows because I made that shit up.
²Who are also known locally as "Who? Oh, the team that traded Marino to the Dolphins."
³This is to keep control of the wine and cheese imports in an ongoing effort to fuck with the people in Charlottesville that conned them into getting Jefferson elected and ruined their good name.
⁴I mean, if those were the standards, UVA could claim like 40 national titles.
⁵As my Photoshop skillz are clearly lacking, try to picture Frank clutching a Pitt jersey in a trailer screaming "I WISH I KNEW HOW TO BEAT YOU"
⁶Pitt's all like "Psssh, he didn't even graduate"
⁷Generally regarded as (by FAR) the most intimidating of the tween and adolescent clothing retailers
⁸Three times
⁹For those of you on the twitters, yes I missed this play live due to vomiting but it was my KID vomiting, not me.