"Foe"Rensics: Georgia Tech

Hello. Welcome to a short week installment of "Foe"Rensics. Since we're facing an offense that was last popular when the Cornhuskers were dominating college football, all of this week's facts will be tied to famous Nebraskan politicians from the 1980s1. We're finally out of the out of conference portion of our schedule, and I think Kyle, Kendall and everyone else have shown they're more than ready to deal with week after week of showdowns with the titans of college football, the ACC! And what better place to get things started than Atlanta, GA!


I'm assuming because Paul Johnson lives there, this is what Atlanta looks like.

1. So does this mean we won Conference USA East?

A. If for whatever reason we're not in Charlotte on Dec 7, Weaver better be on the phone with the Conference USA commissioner to make sure we're representing the East division and, since the game is hosted by the team with the better conference record (undefeated (in their conference), baby!), I'm assuming this will be a seventh home game at Lane.

The last thing I would like to say about the Marshall game (and then please, PLEASE, let us never speak of this again) is that I thought the OT wins against Georgia Tech, BC and Rutgers were progressively worse, culminating in that shit show in the Russell Athletic Bowl. But as the school is faithful to it's branding in our university advertisements, Virginia Tech continues to "Invent the Future" and find more gut wrenching, emotionally draining ways to eek out wins. Need three overtimes to overcome a team that refused to score after halftime? How about we INNOVATE a MORE soul destroying win and hurt some of your players as well. David Wang played like his arm was numb for the second half. Kyshoen Jarrett and Trey Edmunds both hobbled off after clutch plays. We strive to make football feel like the dentist; you know the outcome was good but you can't see past the bleeding gums.

In all seriousness, I love what Mason said yesterday. We won, and that's what matters. Appreciate the W and don't complain that it wasn't as convincing as you think it should be. Keep in mind we are fans of a great program that regularly delivers those Ws, pretty or otherwise; just think what if feels like to be a UVA fan2.

2. Seems like Bud has a good grasp on dealing with the spread. So who's next?

A. Georgia Tech!

3. Well. Shit.

A. Yes, or "Jah Tech" as they are affectionately known3. Georgia Tech was founded in 1885 by beloved adopted son of Atlanta, William Tecumseh Sherman. Having burned Atlanta to the ground 20 years earlier, he returned to find they had rebuilt the entire city with huts made from straw and sticks. Realizing they probably needed some engineers (and someone to tell them what bricks are), he cast an envious glance north to that institute in Appalachia that had been basically DOMINATING the Southern technology arena for 13 years, and decided Georgia needed a Tech as well.

Their athletics teams were originally known as the "Engineers" because, creativity. When a sportswriter noted that many of their students wore bright yellow coats specifically designed to repel girls and also looked like their faces had been stung repeatedly by bees, the "Yellow Jacket" moniker was born. Proving that bees are probably color blind, the Yellow Jackets uniforms are Gold, which is not yellow. More recently, Reggie Ball managed offenses inspired an additional nickname of "Ramblin Wreck".

We will be playing at that most feared of Southern football grounds, Bobby Dodd Stadium at Historic Grant Field, which begs the question, how stupid do you have to be to name your son "Historic Grant"?

4. They're in the South, so...assuming here that they have a football team?

A. They do! They are former members of the Southeastern Conference (SEC) of football, but after decades of domination, they were 'promoted' to the ACC. The University of South Carolina moved in the opposite direction, being 'relegated' from the ACC down to the SEC, meaning we essentially traded Steve Spurrier for Paul Johnson, which means...well, hold on. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Would I rather have hemorrhoids or an extremely bad sunburn? I'll get back to you.

5. Paul Johnson, huh?

A. Yes, Paul Johnson, Champ of the Chop Block. Here at "Foe"Rensics, we try not to insert our opinion of terrible people into the public discourse, so instead, I've gone out and asked some celebrities what THEY think about Paul Johnson. Let's go to the tape:

Hmm, I like dogs, children AND old people.

Goodness.

In an interesting piece of performace art, Denis Leary lived life as Paul Johnson for a week, then wrote a song about the experience. Here is a highlight:

Well he certainly doesn't mince words.

And lastly, after the game on Saturday, we asked Marshall Head Coach Doc Holliday about Coach Johnson. After being told of Johnson's offensive line philosophy, he had this to say.


Can't argue with that.

If anyone else has seen any interviews (or songs!) where someone opines on Paul Johnson, I'd love for you to share them below.

6. Well then. Anything else about him?

A. Johnson uses an option offense he brought south with him from Navy as well as relying on cut blocks (perfectly legal) that, to some, frequently stray over the line of legality into "chop" blocks, which are not so much legal. This has been a bone of contention between Coach Johnson and opposing coaches, to which Coach Johnson generally responds with his middle finger.

The only other note on the coaching staff is that Ted Roof is currently their defensive coordinator, a position that has been officially designated by the ACC as a halfway house for recently terminated head coaches (we still miss you, Al Groh).

7. How about their players. Any notes on their roster?

A. Well, let's start with everyone's favorite Yellow Jacket Jeremiah Attaochu4.

8. I think we should have let him celebrate in the Hokie locker room after the game. Anyone else?

A. First of all, I'm filing a protest with the NCAA since they've got Marcus Allen on their roster (although they've attempted to disguise him as linebacker). C'mon, man, that guy is older than Chris Weinke. They've also got a guy named Euclid, which I thought was a kind of tree?

Also, their roster website appears to be littered with misspellings, including Darius Commissiong, Jerredith Jiles, Errin Joe and Micheal Summers. Colorblind and can't spell...

9. That's sort of embarrassing.

A. Yeah. They also appear to have attempted something radical to fight the Fuller Effect, recruiting FOUR young men sharing a name with the latest Fuller to leave Blacksburg. This popular first name seemed to spike in usage shortly after a certain pair of stars took Hollywood by storm.


Scientists know the proliferation of Coreys as the Haim-Feldman Effect. They were dreamy in License to Drive.

Although, moreso than the Coreys Alford, Dennis and Griffin (more on him in a bit), my favorite HAS to be Coray Carlson. I can only surmise the unique spelling of his first name is due to an overexuberant (and possibly inebriated) father dictating his newborn son's birth certificate whilst doing the Carlton.


Cor-RAAAAAAAAY!!!

10. So what has Georgia Tech contributed to the world in terms of Alumni I've heard of?

A. What Georgia Tech alumni has had the most profound effect on your life? Well, the most famous alumni I could find is a notable one, President Jimmy Carter. Following him, you've got...Jeff Foxworthy? Juan Carlos Varela, the current Vice President of Panama? Noted option offense enthusiasts Calvin Johnson and Demaryius Thomas?

No, I think the Georgia Tech alum who has contributed the most to my life is Joe Rogers, one of the founders of perhaps the greatest breakfast-pastry-domicile-themed restaurants in the world.


Smothered, covered, chunked and capped, WHAT.

11. Now I'm hungry. Before I make a drunk, late night Waffle House run, tell me their Fuller status.

A. Good news, there are NO Fullers on the Georgia Tech roster. However, in yet another dastardly attempt to counteract the unparalleled awesomeness of the Fullers, they appear to have compiled their own brothers, the Griffins. They have even gone so far as to name one of them after one of the Fullers.


Brothers Chris, Ty, Lynn, and COREY. Also known as NOT FULLERS.

Considering the way Kyle reacted when Gator was messing with Kendall on Saturday, I can't wait til he gets the news of a whole family trying to rip off the Fuller success. Would now be an inopportune time for a Vad the Impaled pun?

12. Seems sort of dumb to pick a fight with a guy whose brother is on the field.

A. Yeah, that's like punching a guy in the helmet after a play is over that completely changes the course of the game.

13. Oof. Low blow. Let's move on to rivalries.

A. Well, you may have heard of the Georgia-Georgia Tech rivalry, which is known as Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate. I'm trying to decide if that is a better nickname than "Battle for the Commonwealth Cup" and frankly, it's a tough decision. This rivalry has a long, bitter history, which I think is best represented by the furious vitriol that went on immediately following World War I, during which Georgia Tech, due to the on campus military training, was able to continue playing football while Georgia suspended play due to most of their male student body leaving school to support the war effort. Leading up to the 1919 game, UGA students staged a parade essentially questioning Tech's manhood for playing football during a war and shit got REAL, as football is wont to do in the South. The two teams did not play again until the Southern Conference forced them to in 1925 and Georgia Tech no longer allowed Georgia to play home games on Historic Grant's field (as they had previously done).

This is also one of the annual matchups where the ACC has the opportunity to get one over their in-state SEC rival and Georgia Tech pretty regularly craps the bed. Aside from a 45-42 shoot out in Paul Johnson's first season, the Jackets have not won this game since a three game winning streak from 1998-2000. Those four wins are the only ones stretching back to 1990, making Georgia Tech the UVA of this rivalry.

14. Damn. They take their football seriously in Georgia.

A. Yup. The only other items of note are a rivalry that has lapsed in recent years with Auburn, which is the "Tech" of Alabama, and the "Battle of the Techs" which is with Virginia Tech. Honestly, the game has been pretty good the last decade, but we'd only played them once before we joined the ACC so I'm willing to wait a bit (and to see if the hate lasts past Paul Johnson's tenure) before calling this a true rivalry. Plus, we really need to come up with a rivalry name that doesn't suck.

The last item of note is actually my favorite. If you'll recall, at one point UVA was actually good at football, starting the 1990 season 7-0, ranked #1 in the country. Welp, Georgia Tech came to town and knocked off the Hoos 41-38 on a last second field goal, knocking UVA out of national title contention and going on to win a share of it for themselves. In 1998, with UVA again highly ranked at #7, Georgia Tech came from 3 touchdowns behind to win by, you guessed it, 41-38. Since then, Georgia Tech fans have taunted UVA fans by chanting 41-38 at them which, if you're a UVA fan, must make you REALLY hate the number 38. Any Hoo trolling is looked upon favorably by me.

15. Ahahaha, 38-0, bro. Moving on to food, where should I eat?

A. So if you've ever talked to someone who went to Georgia Tech5, or who has gone to a game there or you've watched an ESPN broadcast at the home of Historic Grant then you've heard of The Varsity and how you HAVE to go there. Well, the essence of all of those recommendations (aside from ESPN's) are effectively captured by the following Google review:

"I live 3 hours north in the mountains and was raised eating bologna for Christ's sake and this place is gross."

Besides wanting to spend lots of time with this reviewer and perhaps introduce him to my sister, this sums up the majority of the reviews of The Varsity. "It's gross, the food will kill you on top of being awful but you've GOT TO GO HERE!" So, go, because it's close to the stadium, then write a review about how kitchy and awful it is for all of us to enjoy.

If you want to try something that is more of an Atlanta specialty, get some Chicken and Waffles. Since I haven't tried either place (why break my streak!) either try Gladys Knight and Ron's Chicken and Waffles or Nana G's Chik-n-Waffles, both of which have a dedicated fan base and sound delicious.

16. What is it with Georgia and Waffles? And the other part of the food recommendation?

A. Well, this being Georgia, you have a pretty decent selection of barbecue joints, and it's really hard to pick just one. But I made up these stupid rules so I have to follow them, otherwise all hell will break loose. Based on the reviews and the recent news that this place had to shut down their dine-in facilities due to the excessive crowds (always a good sign), I'd have to suggest you make the trip out to Heirloom Market BBQ. Seems like a bit of an extra drive from downtown, but the reviews (several specifically mentioned the awesomeness of their vinegar sauce) make it sound like worth the drive. As always, I welcome input on the other options available!

17. Okay, back to the Hokies. LOGAN THOMAS COUNTDOWN TO FIVE INTERCEPTIONS:

A. So, at first glance, it would seem that Logan has thrown six interceptions. But don't worry, we here at "Foe"Rensics are familiar with an innovative practice known as Improving Performance Through Creative Statistics (these years of civil service are finally paying off!). At this point, I think it's only fair to reinterpret Logan's words slightly and assume that what he MEANT was that his INT count would be directly offset by Fuller interceptions, which currently stand at two. So, at this point it appears that Logan has FOUR Fuller Adjusted Interceptions, or FAINTs, leaving 8 (or 9, or 10) games to throw an additional pick. That of course can (and will) be offset by more Fuller picks, so the sky's the limit for Logan, really.

18. Final thoughts...what should we watch for in the game?

A. Aside from ensuring you're NOT standing behind someone who recently ate a Varsity Chili Dog:

  • If the Fullers can continue to improve Logan's passing statistics
  • If Kyle lines up at Whip, the hell he's going to unleash on Vad
  • If the RAGE MATCH between our defensive ends is going to continue. Because I'm pretty sure MR. J.R. Collins won last week's.
  • We've allowed 13 points after halftime so far this season. I find second halves much more enjoyable when they don't score.
  • If we can get action shots of Jesse Palmer eating a Chili Dog and then a 'Rece' camera for the rest of the game for his reaction shots to Jesse's farts.
  • If we can convert 3rd and 1. Just once this year. Please.

That's all for Georgia Tech, next week we'll venture into Chapel Hill, NC, which is exactly as intimidating as it sounds.

1This is potentially the worst idea for something geared towards entertaining people ever.
2I'm sorry if I made anyone cry from thinking about that.
3Only by ESPN.
4Is he really still in college? Because it feels like he's been around forever. I thought he played in the Rudy game.
5Great story, my wife's cousin has been a professor at Georgia Tech since 2007. In his first year he got to watch a home game from the President's box, and he called to taunt me after they had gone up 3-0. Unfortunately for him, the Hokies responded with 27 unanswered points and he stopped answering his phone in the second half.

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VT '10--US Citizen; (804) Virginian By Birth; (210) Texan By the Grace of God.

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"That move was slicker than a peeled onion in a bowl of snot." -Mike Burnop

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Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in bad humor.

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"You know when the Hokies say 'We are Virginia Tech' they're going to mean it."- Lee Corso

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I just sit on my couch and b*tch. - HokieChemE2016

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VT '10--US Citizen; (804) Virginian By Birth; (210) Texan By the Grace of God.

Rick Monday... You Made a Great Play...

I also root for: The Keydets, Army, TexAggies, NY Giants, NY Rangers, ATL Braves, and SA Brahmas

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VT '10--US Citizen; (804) Virginian By Birth; (210) Texan By the Grace of God.

Rick Monday... You Made a Great Play...

I also root for: The Keydets, Army, TexAggies, NY Giants, NY Rangers, ATL Braves, and SA Brahmas

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No, I *don't* want to go to the SEC. Why do you ask?

We don't love dem Hoos.

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"That kid you're talking to right there, I think he played his nuts off! And you can quote me on that shit!" -Bud Foster

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No, I *don't* want to go to the SEC. Why do you ask?

We don't love dem Hoos.

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No, I *don't* want to go to the SEC. Why do you ask?

We don't love dem Hoos.

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No, I *don't* want to go to the SEC. Why do you ask?

We don't love dem Hoos.

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I have no idea why my username is VT_Warthog.

Arkansas blew a 24-0 lead in the Belk Bowl.

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Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in bad humor.

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"That move was slicker than a peeled onion in a bowl of snot." -Mike Burnop

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"We were at the pinnacle, and we did it for years," Foster says. He pauses, nods, takes a deep breath. "And I did it with the best guy in the business."

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