Hello. Spring football is upon us and as we fans ready ourselves for the spring game, the coaches and players finally are back out on the field. Considering that many of us spend the majority of our waking hours thinking about this football team, it gets me all hyped up when FOOTBALL PEOPLE start doing FOOTBALL THINGS, even if we're still five months away from a real, live game. Luckily, due to the recognized value that this website brings to the program and Hokie community, we've been granted unprecedented access to the coaches and team in order to bring you the most complete, up-to-date information from the field, film room, meetings, weight room, and locker room (1). Let's check in on how some of our coaches got ready for the first spring practice.
We join Coach Stinespring leading a small group of wide-eyed youngsters into a massive section of lockers. Vinny Mihota notices an enormous person standing in one corner whose upper torso is lost in clouds.
Vinny Mihota: Oh, hey Bucky!
Disembodied voice from clouds: What's up, Vin.
Stiney: And here, gentlemen, is where your lockers are. We try to group the players by position to develop a sense of camaraderie.
Andrew Ford: Uh, coach? The tight ends are all here.
Stiney: Oh...yeah. We like to start everyone out here. You may end up at quarterback, safety, tackle...we really like to just experiment, see where you fit best.
Ford: I got the impression that I'd be competing at quarterback.
Stiney: Ya know, Andrew, I don't want to pigeonhole anyone, but...what do you front squat? You look like you've got a real low center of gravity.
Stiney: Let me see your three-point stance. How're your shoulder pads? You able to lift your arms up to catch one of them high passes?
Ford: You mean throw one of those passes?
Stiney glares at Ford.
Stiney: Ya know, Andy, we value team players around here. Isn't that right, Bucky?
Disembodied voice: Yessir, coach! Team players!
Stiney: Duane Brown was a team player. He's in the NFL now, didja know that? That's where TEAM players go. Do YOU want to go to the NFL?
Ford: Uh...yeah, coach, but-
Stiney: THAT'S the spirit. Someone get Andy some of those knee brace thingies and jugs of creatine and whey protein.
In another part of the locker room, Coach Shane Beamer is quizzing his running backs on the playbook.
Coach Shane Beamer: Alright guys, we're gonna do this like we used to do reading in elementary school, by playing "Bump". I call on you, you're gonna walk me through the play and your assignment until I say Bump and call on someone else. Ready? Ok, zone read left. Bump...Trey!
Trey Edmunds: Okay, I'm in the pistol behind the QB, offset to-
Coach Shane Beamer: Bump JC!
JC Coleman: offset to the left and-
Coach Shane Beamer: Bump Marshawn!
Marshawn Williams: And at the snap I-
Coach Shane Beamer: Bump Shai!
McKenzie: I step up-
Coach Shane Beamer: Bump Jerome!
Jerome Wright: I-
Coach Shane Beamer: Bump Chris!
Chris Mangus opens his mouth and
Coach Shane Beamer: Bump JC!
Beamer pauses for a split second
Coach Shane Beamer: Bump Chris!
Coach Shane Beamer: Bump Jerome! Bump Marshawn! Bump Shai! Bump JC! Bump Jerome! Bump JC! Bump Shai! Bump JC! BUMP JOEL!
Joel Caleb looks over from his WR meeting.
Edmunds: Coach, did you forget about me?
Coach Shane Beamer: Huh? No! ISN'T THIS GAME GREAT?! WE'RE ALL LEARNING SO MUCH! BUMP SHAI! BUMP JEROME! BUMP JC! BUMP JC! BUMP DARIUS RUCKER!
We join Coach Loeffler on the field, huddling with his 47 quarterbacks.
Loeffler: ALRIGHT. THIS IS HOW PRACTICE IS GONNA GO. LEAL HERE WILL HELP YOU WITH THE DRILLS SINCE HE'S SEEN ALL THIS BEFORE.
Mark Leal: Uh, Coach? It's actually Lee-Al.
Leal: Lee-Al. That's how you say my name.
Loeffler stares daggers at Leal
Loeffler: FINE. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. AND OH, BY THE WAY, MY NAME IS PRONOUNCED LOW-EFF-LAY. GOT IT? CALL ME THAT FROM NOW ON.
Leal: Really? What about the 'R'?
Loeffler: IT'S FUCKING FRENCH SO IT'S FUCKING SILENT, JUST LIKE YOU BETTER BE WHENEVER YOU THINK ABOUT CORRECTING ME AGAIN. SHIT. Alright, let's move on. Ford, I want you taking snaps with the second team today, okay? Ford? Hello? Hey, where the hell is Ford?
Brenden Motley: Uh, I think he's with Coach Stinespring.
Coach Brown is talking with his guys as they strap their pads on.
Ronny Vandyke: Hey guys, I heard this awesome song on the radio this morning. It's by Devo, I think it's called "Flip It?
Brown: NO RONNY, IT'S WHIP IT!
The players snicker.
Josh Trimble: Yeah, I heard it while I was eating my Rice Krispies. What noises do those make again?
Brown: SNAP! CRACKLE! POP! BOOM!
Derek DiNardo: Oh yeah, that was right before the commercial for the Indiana Jones marathon, those movies where he runs around with...what, a sword?
Brown: NO DEREK, IT'S A WHIP!
Vandyke: You're right, coach. It's like that story about what you do with a door, to firewood and on a dance floor. What was it, open, burn and walk?
Brown: KNOCK, CHOP AND GET DOWN, SON!
The guys have completely lost it at this point and are rolling on the floor with laughter.
Elsewhere, Coach Moorehead has also shown up with a bag of goodies for his players.
Coach Moorehead: Alright guys, I'm real proud of you guys and how much you grew during the season. We're like a little family here. To honor that, I made us all t-shirts to wear.
Coach Moorehead begins pulling shirts out and handing them out.
Josh Stanford: Uh, coach? These are just maroon t-shirts with an axe duct taped to them.
Coach Moorehead: YEAH! Cuz you guys are gonna be CHOPPIN' WOOD ALL DAMN DAY OUT THERE! WOOO!
Willie Byrn: But...axes?
Coach Moorehead: Yeah, Coach Beamer didn't give me enough money to get chainsaws. Plus, those don't really CHOP, they saw, so
A couple of beat writers are walking past while Stanford is holding up his shirt with the axe hanging down dangerously.
Andy Bitter: Hey Josh, be careful, you don't want to drop that.
Coach Moorehead instantly spins around and storms over to the reporter.
Coach Moorehead: WHAT did you say?!
Andy Bitter: Hey, Aaron, I just don't want to see him drop---
Coach Moorehead: You do NOT come in here and talk negative about my players. I think they're performing DAMN well considering this is the first time they've handled axes. If you want to say something, you say it to MY FACE.
Andy Bitter: Uh, I AM talking to your face.
Coach Moorehead: That's right.
Andy Bitter: What? ...I'm gonna go.
Coach Moorehead: Thank you. Next time come back with a little more respect in your step.
Back inside the locker room, Coach Foster is preparing to address his defense holding a large bag with lots of bulges in it.
Coach Foster: ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP. I DON'T WANT TO SEE A SINGLE PERSON CANDY ASSIN' IT OUT THERE. WE GO 100% EVERY DOWN. DO YOU NEED SOME EXTRA MOTIVATION? WELL, HERE YOU GO.
Coach Foster starts pulling out seashell necklaces with giant TruckNutz pendants and tossing them to all his defensive players.
Luther Maddy: Oh my Lord...Coach, these smell terrible!
Coach Foster: THAT'S RIGHT. THEY'VE BEEN SITTING IN A HAMPER FULL OF UNWASHED JOCKS SINCE YOU GOT YOUR ASSES HANDED TO YOU IN EL PASO. LISTEN UP. THESE ARE NOW YOUR NUTS. YOU WILL WEAR THESE FOR PRACTICE. IF YOU GIVE ME THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF EFFORT, YOU CAN TAKE EM OFF. IF NOT, YOU WEAR THEM UNTIL THE NEXT PRACTICE.
Detrick Bonner: Wait, Coach, you mean...you mean we have to play our nuts off?
Coach Foster: THAT'S RIGHT, BONNER. SEE? I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. I DO CARTWHEELS AND MAKE NUT JOKES.
Entire defense goes tearing towards doors to practice field. Kyshoen Jarrett, tired of waiting, drops his shoulder on the wall to make his own door.
With a hat tip to Adam Bernard (@villasherc) who I completely stole this idea from.
1In other words, I just completely made all this shit up.