Belgium vs USA: A Completely Non-Tactical Breakdown

Hello. As you may have heard, the United States Men's National Soccer Team is playing in the World Cup. They managed to advance from group play to the knockout round, where they will be taking on the Red Devils of Belgium this afternoon. Seeing as how the entire national psyche for the next four years depends entirely on the performance of our soccer team in this tournament, many Internet persons began an active campaign to denigrate everything Belgium holds dear. And rightly so.

But I fear that many leapt into this fight with no forethought, no strategy; lashing out immediately at known quantities of Belgian origin. Oh, Belgian Waffle? Well...PANCAKES! WAFFLES SUCK! PANCAKES RULE! This, on its face, is absurd. The waffle contains delightful, flavorful, crispy, crevasses with which to capture the topping of choice and the Belgian version of the waffle far exceeds your run of the mill waffle, let alone a pancake. But why are we stooping to such childish comparisons? Hell, we didn't even invent the pancake, how on Earth is that our rallying point? And we put syrup made from the SYMBOL OF CANADA on it.

It occurred to me that we have no choice but to pit our national treasures against theirs. No one looks at a pancake and thinks of the might of American industrial power and excessiveness. In no way is that the American equivalent and a suitable foe to thrust into the ring against the might of the Belgian Waffle. We hereby set forth to enter into competition: the best America has to offer against the best Belgium has to offer. The outcome should give us no indication at all of what to expect from the soccer game.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

National Food: Belgian Waffle vs. American Barbecue

In one corner, we have one of the leading representatives of dessert for breakfast, which is almost as American as you can get. In the other corner we have the greatest food on Earth. Do we really need to continue? Okay, let's.

Barbecue represents the diversity and ingenuity of America; from the different woods used for smoke to the different type of sauces, every part of America has made barbecue their own. And when people try to serve it with something other than vinegar sauce, we show how forgiving we can be of failure. We even accept Texans and their brisket "barbecue" because they clearly don't know any better. POINT: AMERICA

The waffle is a supporting character, either part of breakfast or as dessert, whereas barbecue is the centerpiece of not just a meal, but generally an event. POINT: AMERICA

There are barbecue competitions, barbecue societies and entire television shows dedicated to barbecue. Meanwhile, a leading waffle vendor in Brussels has this slogan:

Your confidence in your admittedly delicious product is LAUGHABLE

POINT: AMERICA

Waffles can be served with ice cream, and...dammit. POINT: BELGIUM

Last but not least, barbecue contains pork, the most delicious thing on earth. Waffles contain none. POINT: AMERICA

I think it's fair to say America curbstomps Belgium in this particular category.

National Vegetable: Brussels Sprouts vs Corn

While America may not be generally known for our vegetables, it makes the most sense to select a crop that's the backbone of the heartland AND, as a bonus, one that contains relatively little nutritional value. In addition, corn is the decisive ingredient in that most delicious of baked goods, cornbread¹. In addition, we mustn't forget the CORNerstone (GET IT?!) of the global breakfast cereal market as well as the new contributions corn is making towards America's energy independence through ethanol. And last but not least, you can make liquor out of corn.

Do you know what you can make with Brussels Sprouts? Brussels Sprouts. Ever had Brussels Sprouts bread? Brussels Sprouts cereal? Brussels Sprouts moonshine? The answer to all of these questions is no. Do you know what happens when you stick processed Brussels Sprouts in your Peugeot²?

THIS IS WHY YOU DO NOT PUT BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN YOUR PEUGEOT

National Beloved Fictional Animated Characters: Smurfs vs Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles³

A band of oddly colored creatures doing battle against an excessively evil antagonist, occasionally on behalf of a humanity that, aside from a squire and a doofus or an intrepid reporter, has no idea of their existence.

We could look at this from a number of angles. One group is named after their one dimensional emotional state and/or occupation, the other after famous Italian Renaissance artists. One group works in a vaguely implied communist village, the other spends their days doing martial arts training and playing video games. One group makes all their food from some weird smurfberry, the other eats pizza roughly eight times a day.

In all these categories, it's easy to see the Ninja Turtles win, but let's ask the most important question: Who would win in a fight? 100 four inch tall Smurfs aided by Papa Smurf's magic and their ability to work together to overcome buffoon like foes OR four smart ass ARMED turtles who trained under Master Splinter? AMERICA WINS AGAIN.

National Export: Diamonds vs Freedom

Freedom comin, y'all. And Hell's comin with it. YOU HEAR ME? HELL'S COMIN WITH IT.

National Goofiest Hair on National Soccer Team: Marouane Fellaini vs Geoff Cameron

Okay, let's just agree that we both lose this one. EVERYONE loses.

Cameron's is certainly a subtler goofy, but combined with his default facial expression of stoned confusion, his hair is weird as hell

National Beer: Trappiste vs Budweiser

Belgium wins this category, MOVING ON.

National Statue: Manneken Pis vs the Statue of Liberty

This one isn't even fair. A tiny statue of a little boy urinating (literally, "Little Peeing Man") vs the symbol of liberty? The towering, outstretched arms of freedom welcoming those fleeing from evil across the Earth to the world's greatest melting pot against a ridiculously overly famous national symbol that admittedly represents the innate and perverse sense of humor of the Belgian people? Do we even need to score this one?

In conclusion, I think that it's easy to see that American trumps Belgium in every significant category except for beer. And probably chocolate. Unless...

American ingenuity and excess WINS AGAIN

¹Cornbread also likely would've gone 12 rounds with a Belgian Waffle and caused a split decision with the judges
²Peugeots are French, but Belgians don't even have any carmakers anyone has ever heard of so we're using the French as a proxy
³In both cases we are referring to the cartoon from decades ago and NOT to any current or recent terrible money grabbing and horrifying film adaptation that is retroactively ruining your childhood.