"Foe"Rensics: Blue Durham

Hello. Welcome back to "Foe"rensics, where we're thankful you are still sober enough to read and apparently you haven't locked yourself in a dark room away from the internet to make the pain stop. At this point, I think it's time to reassert my relentlessly upbeat attitude to our entire fanbase. We need to celebrate the little things, focus on accomplishing the small tasks which will eventually lead to big accomplishments.

Everyone give yourselves a big round of applause!

1. So, what happened 11 days ago?

A. Didn't I just say we're going to be upbeat? Let's not focus on the past, let's focus on the future! Like the fact that we won't have to play Boston College in football again for like a year! And when we do, they won't have Andre Williams anymore and we should be FINE!

2. You know he graduated last year, right? He's on the New York Giants now?

A. Oh. Right. And...OH, and Tyler Murphy will be gone, too! They might actually be desperate enough to line a Flutie up at QB!

3. Let's just move on before you get yourself all worked up again.

A. Okay! I mean...ahem. OK. Cool. So. Last thing before we jump to this week, I'd just like to say THANKS A LOT GEORGIA TECH FOR RUINING THE QUEST FOR EVERYONE IN THE COASTAL DIVISION TO GO 4-4. GOD, PAUL JOHNSON WHY DO YOU RUIN EVERYTHING EVER.

I believe we owe #Duke & @DavidCutcliffe an apology for believing all Coastal teams could go 4-4 @HollyAnderson pic.twitter.com/P2OzcjjxzM— CFB Leaderboard (@cfblb) November 10, 2014

I'm not sure they realize that Georgia Tech already won five conference games...

4. Man, his face makes me want to punch something. Like his face.

A. Right. In brighter news, we've got a chance to redeem ourselves from last year against Duke this week! And considering they're on a four-game winning streak while we're on a three game losing skid, we're TOTALLY due for a win here! Not to mention, Anthony Boone's second leading receiver from last year's game returns.

It's so beautiful

5. Stupid Duke.

A. Right? What the hell is a Blue Devil, anyway? Oh, you mean they named themselves after a bunch of French dudes? Wow. Super intimidating. Who thought that making a Devil Blue would make it any scarier? I can think of a billion blue things that are better than a blue devil. In fact...

6. Oh dammit, here we go.

A. Blue Ivy

The combined forces of S "dot" Carter and Foxy Cleopatra in one cute little girl? Against the school that brought you Greg Paulus and Steve Wojo...ski¹?

We couldn't afford to acquire a picture of the actual Blue Ivy

Winner: Champagne Hova Juniorette

7. Really, THAT'S what they should have named her.

A. Eiffel 65 - Blue

YEAAAAAAAH! THIS IS MY JAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!

Winner: The greatest Italian Europop band OF ALL TIME

8. That's great, now that's stuck in my head for the next week. AWESOME².

A. Blue Cheese

Not only a delicious addition to Cobb salad, the greatest salad in the world, it is also the best cheese to mix in with bacon to make an AWESOME bacon cheeseburger. Not to mention, it's made with Penicillium mold so it also can be used as an effective cure for the flu³ AND it makes the best dip for buffalo wings⁴.

I don't believe Duke has ever contributed to me eating bacon OR buffalo wings.

Winner: Roquefort

9. Smell ya later, DOOK, HAHAHA! ...do you...do you get it?

A. Blue Devil

That's right! A super hero(ish) you've never heard of! That's because he's a DC Comics character not named Superman, Batman, Flash, Wonder Woman or Green Lantern. And since the folks at DC Comics basically admitted they combined all their favorite Marvel characters and named him after Duke in order to impress someone, on top of the fact that Marvel > DC, I'm actually going to give this one to Duke.

Why does he look like a Blue version of Hellboy?

Winner: Duke

10. Surprised he didn't get wedged into the Lego movie.

A. Blue Angels

Despite the fact that I can't find any evidence that the Blue Angels have ever done a Lane Stadium flyover (someone correct me, if I'm wrong) it seems like every other awesome unit and aircraft in our military has and it's just a matter of time before we get a former cadet into the Blue Angels to arrange a flyover. Plus, Veterans Day is this week, so Duke has no chance here.

Winner: Blue Angels

11. Stealth Bomber flyover for the win.

A. Blue Ridge Mountains

Aside from looking like this:

Almost as beautiful as Kendall Fuller returning an interception.

The Blue Ridge Mountains are home of the greatest football team and university in the history of the universe. So...

Winner: Blue Ridge Mountains

12. Stop it, I'm crying.

A. Blue Raspberry

While not appearing on an actual Wu-Tang album, she has regularly appeared on their solo projects, including Only Built 4 Cuban Linx and Tical. Anyone that the Wu is down with is by definition better than a JJ Reddick associated school.

I HAVE THAT SAME COAT! What are the ODDS, man?

Winner: Wu-Tang Clan

13. Alright, bit complete. Any Fullers?

A. No, because the Fullers are not lacrosse players.

14. Ever notice that the Plumlees are like the ANTI-Fullers?

A. YES. As for the rest of their roster, After monitoring the recent surge in preppy names at Miami, Duke doubled-down to make sure that we all know they are the PRIVATEST of private school kids. With a strong base of Parker, Gabe, Davis, Corbin, Trip, Hud, Mackenzie, they reached for the stars with BROTHERS Kelby and Kyler. But unquestioningly, the piece de resistance of their roster is Sterling Korona, a guy NAMED AFTER THE BRITISH CURRENCY⁵.

15. Anything interesting to do in Durham?

A. As many of you probably know Durham is the crown jewel of the Research Triangle. And Duke boasts the Sarah P. Duke Gardens, which TripAdvisor strongly recommends you visit. In fact, it actually doesn't really have negative reviews. Everyone likes it. It's weird. Well, hold on. Let me dig, for a sec, what does Wagyuu have to say:

there was nothing to see in winter! everything was dead!

Haha, Duke can't even keep plants alive in the winter. Lame. HOLD ON...what does kjgkl have to say:

I always thought that the pretentious attitude of Duke attractions was a myth. I stand corrected.

THERE WE GO. Thanks, Duke, for in at least one small way fulfilling stereotypes!

16. Any opportunities for higher education in Durham?

A. Well, Duke's there if you come from significant familial wealth or if you enjoy the idea of indentured servitude to a bank⁶ for a significant portion of your adult life. Let's hear from Mary Locklear:

Here with my son and britt to have my grandbaby

Uh...I don't want to know what y'all are planning on doing, but this is a place for EDUCATION, not you're weird fetishes. And from A Google User:

I studied there. I denounced a chain of irregularities at local, fed, and international level. They expelled me (the best student in the department). Waiting for feds to come in w final results. Some people (from top to bottom) will experience Jail University. Some, i heard, fled out of the country so i expanded my complaint to interpol.Here is my remote n I'm in front of TV watching the great news. COMING SOON.

See, THIS is what happens when the internet lets people comment anonymously. Greg Paulus writes this crap and thinks he can get away with it. WE'RE ON TO YOU, GREG. DERON IS ON HIS WAY, AND HE'S TAKING THE HIGH ROAD, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

17. How are our FAINTs looking?

A. Three games establishes a trend. It is now clear that the Hokies have no chance of winning a game unless Brewer gives some charity to the opposition. In the TKP Therapy Session, 4VPISU had an excellent suggestion to take the ball first, drive into Duke territory and immediately throw an interception, thereby increasing our chances of winning from 0% to 66%. GENIUS!

18. What should I be watching for this weekend?

A. Well, for starters, while first vs. last in the Coastal is still Virginia Tech vs. Duke, we're continuing our Freaky Friday season by switching places. So that's great. You can also watch for:

• If a sea of orange and maroon swallows Wallace Wade like in years past or if Duke has fans now.
• If we can build enough of a lead that ACC PLAYER OF THE YEAR candidate Brenden Motley can get some playing time in the second half.
• If we're going to dig ourselves the same hole from 2012 and need to win our last two games to get to a bowl.
• Well, we looked competitive against Boston College. Let's see if we can build on that.

And don't forget, even if we lose, BASKETBALL SEASON will have started on Friday! So we have that to taunt the Duke fans with!

¹We here at "Foe"Rensics do not care for floor slappers and do not deem them worthy of looking up how to spell their names correctly
²For some reason, I've been singing Sandstorm in a Dr Evil "tocka tocka tocka" voice for like a week now, so I ain't got no sympathy for you
³Pretty sure this is not true. Like, at all.
⁴Get your Ranch dip out of here, I ain't hearing it
⁵I'm guessing here, but seems plausible
⁶Or many banks!