Hello. Welcome! If you're new to TKP, this is the definitive preview of this week's Hokie opponent. We'll delve into some arcane knowledge about their coach, players and the institution they represent. I'll break down film and use lots of cool terminology that you'll nod along to without understanding, like "Inverted Veer", "Backside Gap" and "Defense"1. All of this adds up to an invaluable resource that Joe had no choice but to put behind a paywall. So buckle up, kiddies, things are about to get crazy.
1. What the hell is going on?
A. Great question! The Hokies have essentially had two secondaries worth of defensive backs leave the program; Reggie Floyd has been playing those office icebreaker games you hate because he has no idea who half these dudes he's gonna be playing with are.
Anonymous Defensive Back: My two truths and a lie are...I've seen Mamma Mia live eight times, I have a signed Tiki Barber jersey, and KFC is better than Popeyes.
Reggie Floyd: Son, I hope to hell you misunderstood this and those are all lies.
Second Anonymous Defensive Back: What the hell is Mamma Mia?
The Hokies placed more pairs of brothers in the first round of the NFL draft this year than LOLUVA has wins in Blacksburg this century. Cam Phillips, Wyatt Teller and Tim Settle are all getting paid. The starting quarterback appears to be embracing his middle age physique early. There's been a lot of upheaval this offseason, and frankly I feel bad for Florida State, since I'm pretty sure there's a lot of pent up aggression that's gonna get taken out on them.
2. This Florida State you speak of. Who?
This is literally one of the first things that comes back when you Google Florida State Seminoles. They may look like a pair of shoes, but they are actually an ingenious scholarship offer letter.
A. The opponent this week hails from a land of alligators, meth heads, theme parks and your grandparents. Our intrepid story begins over forty years ago, when Florida State, then a fledgling women's college, hired Bobby Bowden to coach a football team. When he moved down to Tallahassee, he helpfully pointed out that their football team would probably be a lot better if they let men into the college as well, and so they started doing that. Prior to that, the Hokies had won three straight against FSU.
Bowden brought another innovation to FSU, when, out on a muskrat hunt deep in the swamps surrounding Tally, he stumbled across a great discovery. Lurking in the depths of the Florida swamps was a creature that would come to be immortalized in comics and film using the name that the eloquent Bowden bestowed upon him, the "Dadgum Man-Thing2."
Bowden was quite fond of the Man-Thing, particularly the fact that it could not talk and thus interrupt his long winded stories about playing and coaching for Howard3 or how talented and charming his sons were.
Eventually, he discovered that Man-Thing wasn't just hanging out in the bogs for easy access to delectable muskrat meat, he was actually guarding something called the Nexus of All Realities that allowed him to teleport things, which finally explains how Peter Warrick was able to catch that touchdown while Ronyell Whitaker was humping his leg. It took decades for them to finetune it; bad teleports sending multiple field goal attempts wide right over the years.
3. Nerd. Under what flag will these Florida Men go into battle under?
A. When ol' Bobby was attempting to explain the whys of how Man-Thing could teleport their way to victory, one of his assistants cottoned on to the whole Nexus of All Realities and, stunned, said "This is a seminal moment in the history of humanity". Bobby responded "Wellsir, that feller never tole me his name, but semin'ole is good nuff fuh me". Previously, the football team had simply been known as the Florida State Eleven, because they were so proud they could collectively count to 11, they adopted it as a name. Bobby renamed them after the made up name of his swamp friend and they later retconned it to be after the local Native American tribe.
4. This guy Bobby sure seems to be pretty important around there. Is he still the coach?
A. Nope! They forced him out a while back and replaced him with Jimbo Fisher. When ol Jimbo jumped ship, they figured on continuing their tradition of only hiring good ol' boys4 and hired Willie Taggert, sight unseen. They were a bit surprised when he showed up on campus.
Willie joins FSU from Oregon, so he is already very familiar with using Nike's money to pay....no, that's not right...bribe his playe....no, can't do that one either. Reward? Does that sound innocent enough? Ok, Willie knows how to reward his players with Nike merch.
5. Do they have players?
A. Yes. You may have heard of Deondre Francois, who might be their quarterback this year, but Willie is also heavily recruiting his brothers, Quebecois and Anglais. They've also recruited Sean Glennon's son, Grant, although they have decided his future is not in throwing the ball forward, but snapping it backwards, longly. In the secondary, look out for Ontaria Wilson who is, frankly, too intimidating to go full CANADIAN PROVINCE, so he had to soften it up with the 'a'. They recruited DeMarcus Christmas all the way from Aspen, what father Lloyd dubbed a "one in a million chance" to attend college.
I'm afraid it's not all good news, however. While the #NC2VA pipeline is hyped, I regret to inform you that the borders the Commonwealth continue to be porous. They have a redshirt freshman PUNTER FROM VIRGINIA, Tommy Martin, who FSU identifies as a "Powerful five-star punting prospect". It's clear that Justin Fuente has lost control of special teams.
6. The game is in Tallahassee. Should I go?
A. No. There is a Fuller cousin from Niceville, which is a little bit west of Tallahassee and he also attended FSU5, so I am a bit familiar. Do not go down there. They apparently call their rednecks "Boggies", which does not inspire wanderlust in me.
7. If I ignore you and go anyway, should I eat?
A. Probably. I can recommend a BW3s in Niceville, where I watched the USC-Texas National Championship game, including several people getting thrown out after celebrating by throwing beer mugs across the restaurant, BUT, I thought I'd go for something with a little more "FSU" flavor.
Joe's Crab Shack, in nearby Destin, is my pick because they serve "BBQ flavored Crab Legs", meeting this column's requirement to unabashedly pimp barbecue and also honor the official meal of FSU football. It also makes complete sense as a "Foe"rensics recommendation because it's two hours from Tally. Let's go to the reviews! Cubs fan Eric writes:
Water tasted like it came from a toilet. The waiter was going to give us 2 free sodas and management told him there was nothing wrong with the water. $135.00 meal and no water.
From reading other reviews of this restaurant, I wish I could be skeptical that the water came from the toilet, buttttt....Also, I low key love the manager, who also charmed Sarah Elaine:
We waited an hour and a half for our food and it came to the table cold. Manager didnt care, he told me there was no way I actually waited that long and that the food was cold because we were sitting outside.
Lol, the manager told them they didn't wait that long. "Ma'am, let me show you my stopwatch where I TIMED your visit; EIGHTY THREE MINUTES, YOU GO#&@MN LIAR. MAYBE IT WAS COLD BECAUSE YOU NEVER LEARNED TO EAT FAST LIKE YOU NEVER LEARNED HOW TO COUNT, SARAH THE STUPID HEAD. CHECK AND MATE. There will be a $10 upcharge for wasting my time."
8. Thanks. You have sufficiently answered all my questions that I have about this week's opponent. Guess we can end this charade?
A. Not so fast, my friends! The helpful TKP community sent in lots of questions about FSU, which I will do my best to answer. Let's start with two related questions from QMaroonQ and dragone, GUNTAR and Alum07:
9. Can we get insight into if one of FSU's famous alums has had an impact with the strength and conditioning program of the football team?
Can you use (any ridiculous image) of Neon Deion?
A. Of course I can! Let's go over ALL of FSU's most charming alums!
There were lots of choices but, despite the lack of bling, I can't see this without hearing Deion saying "wanna see my real trophy?
Deion Sanders, known throughout the 90s sporting world for his two-sport career, affinity for gold and trash talking, also lent his name to Deion Sanders Prime Time Football on the Sega Genesis, which had special buttons that let you talk smack before and after each play. It was incredibly stupid AND YET AWESOME.
Hard to decide if Richard Simmons or Lee "Scooter" Corso most accurately represent the fact that FSU is a one-time women's college with a full time circus on campus. Why not both!
Other highlights include graduate Dallas Raines, who is NOT, in fact, a stripper, but a meteorologist, which is kinda funny. They've graduated multiple WWE personas, including Kevin Kelly, Michelle McCool and Ron Simmons, as well as noted thespians Casper Van Dien from Starship Troopers and Burt Reynolds from Smokey and the Bandit. Florida State also gave the world multiple members of the band Creed, better known as the American version of Nickelback.
10. From tdhokies, Who thought it was a good idea to put hot bacon on a Seminole's face to make him scream in pain?
A. Good question.
The weirdest Breathe Right strip
While I feel there's not necessarily much room to talk, considering the smoking and eating of turkey in Lane Stadium, this is a questionable use of smoked meat. It also sort of looks like he opened his mouth to catch the bacon and someone (Grant Glennon?) has bad aim.
11. From DisneyHokie, How special is their band that they only know how to play that one damn song!? And related, from GUNTAR, What are all those fans chopping?
A. This is another excellent question. If you've ever watched an FSU football game, likely against your will, they play that stupid song as frequently as Oklahoma and USC play their stupid songs. But why? It turns out the band actually picked the song up from the players, who were always humming the theme song from 90s Dillards commercials. They all loved to shop there, because they always happened to be having AMAZING sales whenever they came in, up to 95% percent off!
As for the "chop", this comes from an odd place. For the last decade, FSU fans have unashamedly lusted after Georgia Tech head coach Paul Johnson, a yearning for the Good Ol Days of college football, where you could ruin defensive linemen's knees without shame or regret, neither of which ol' Chinballs possesses. This is the clarion call for FSU to fire whoever their boggy head coach is and hire Paul Johnson to make it rain chop blocks in Tally.
12. From Jander75, How many times has chief wahoo pulled a cavalier and fallen off his horse?
A. None, actually. They have the circus riders teach them how to ride properly, but this gives me an excuse to include this:
The grace. The charisma. The grass in his twirly mustache.
13. HightyTighty sent in What are the requirements for becoming a full Nole? They've been Seminoles for an extremely long time, and one would think there would have been some level of development.
A. Now THIS is a "Foe"rensics question. And really...
14. Hokie Fireman dipping into geography with Yes, how far is FSU from the good parts of Florida?
A. This is a trick question, there are no good parts of Florida.
15. Finally, HorseOnATreadmill with the QUESTION OF THE WEEK, How wide does it have to be to be considered wide right? If they miss left, isn't that just a full-Earth-circumference way of being wide right?
A. YOOOOOOOOOOO, this is a GOOD question. My mind immediately went to Paul Edinger, the Bears kicker who used to face backwards before kicking, but sadly, he went to Michigan State. This brings to mind when Michael Brewer attempted to throw so many interceptions that his FAINT count would bend around the edge of the universe and become a positive number. The next place my head went; WHAT IF the wind was blowing in such a manner that a field goal attempt missed, say, wide right, but the wind somehow blew it BACKWARDS between the uprights; would that count? Can we consult a rules expert?
16. All great questions. I think I addressed a bunch more throughout the article, at least the ones that I can get past the censors. Let's wrap this up with a preview of the game.
A. Of course. This Monday night, I'll be looking for:
- Reports from Hokies attending the game if they serve crab legs in the stadium
- I want to see Deshawn McClease do some nasty running, at least so Josh Jackson can get a breather before he hurts his hip
- How Grant Glennon does snapping with the one thing Sean never got, more than half a second to throw
- Coffee to help me make it past halftime. This is a SCHOOL NIGHT, for Pete's sake!
That's all for this week. Enjoy the game! Take ear plugs!
1So, I don't typically break down film, but it is true you won't have any idea what I'm talking about half the time. I sure as hell don't.
2Marvel would eventually drop the Dadgum in lieu of "Infernal Man-Thing" when they fictionalized his story. And Man-Thing TOTALLY came out before Swamp-Thing. Sincerely, a Marvel Homer
3He played at Howard College, a bootleg Howard down in Alabama that eventually renamed itself Samford
4The two previous to Bobby were Darrell and Larry
5I told him he could have literally gone anywhere else in the state and it would've have been better than FSU. EVEN MIAMI. At the time, we had recently lost the Sugar Bowl to them and hadn't beaten them in almost 40 years, so I was a bit salty. It's still a toss up in my book of who is the more evil Florida school.