Editor's Note: Bumped to the front because this week we're having fun making a lot of stuff up.
Early this week I made the way up to Chestnut Hill to get a glimpse into the hearts and minds of Coach Spaziani along with a player or two. Some of the highlights are below:
Coach Spaz, may I call you Spaz? It just rolls easier off the tongue. Looking down the barrel of a 1-5 start where do you think your team has to go from here? What keys for success have you used to inspire your squad?
First off, Spaz was a childhood nickname so it feels right at home. Thanks. In regards to where we go from here I'd say down. THE ROAD OF VICTORY THAT IS! Just look at how we waxed those UMassholes. It all starts there with more W’s. This week we have VT and to get the group going I have rekindled my relationship with Microsoft Word to create a bitchin banner displaying "Play like a Matt Ryan Today" adding a pic of him fresh off google images for effect. He’s in a Falcons jersey, but close enough. I’ve also taken the liberty of ordering some urinal cakes with that boy Logan Thomas’ face on em. Luke is hitting the bathroom like 5 times a day. That boy’s a rabid dog. You can just see it in his eyes. Mix that up with some sweet new play calls on offense and we’re going to make it rain in Blacksburg on Saturday. I’ve already checked the weather bug and the forecast looks clear so they won’t see what’s comin. By the way, Rogers is a douche. Canned him two weeks in after he and Chase exchanged some choice words during the UCF game. So all in all I say our chances are pretty good. We have a bright group who knows how to get it done.
Thanks Spaz. Some of your fans aren’t as excited as you are about the start so far, even suggesting you potentially being on the "hot seat". What’s your response to these allegations?
Hahahahahaha......Hahahaha. ::sobs uncontrollably:: Hot seat? They love me here. The team does at least I think. Golden Corral Wednesday's have been a big hit. The seafood isn't as fresh as from market but bottomless rolls keep our hog mollies satiated. Look, I may not be Francona, but The Spaz speaks for itself. We'll run the table from here on out. Essentially giving that hot seat an "Upper Decker". Mark my words, wait, you haven't been recording this have you? No matter. We'll sock it to 'em. It all starts with those Hackey Birds this weekend.
Appreciate it Coach, we'll keep it in mind.
After about an hour of dabbling around I see a guy continually punching himself in the forehead, sure enough it's:
Hey Luke! Good to see ya. Just have a few questions for ya. I know you're busy so it shouldn't take long. I just wanted to touch on the season so far. You look like a monster out there, care to tell us how you prepare for these big games with such a high motor?
Eggs. A shit ton of them. Did you know it's the best source of natural protein? With all this creatine, HGH, mumbo jumbo out there I stay clean. God's protein. The guys in the locker room hate it but they shut their yaps when I'm making those hits out here. It takes a toll on the bod so you have to stay in tip top shape. Also, when I'm out there I basically paint a target on whoever has the ball. You know how birds have an internal compass? It's like that. I black out and the next thing I know I'm wrapped up on some poor soul with a face mask full o dirt. It's heaven.
Awesome man, so when did you realize this was somewhat of a calling? You're already leading the nation in tackles and average about 16.5 per game.
Good question brosef. Hmmmm. Elementary school maybe. All those games growing up: cops and robbers, cowboys and aliens, hide and seek, and so on. Guy or girl, I didn't care. When it was my turn I just went after whoever I needed to hit. Sure, there were a lot of crybabies and parent-teacher conferences along the way but I knew what it took to win. I guess it just built up from there. Oh man, you know Goldberg from the WWE? I was him for 6 years straight for Halloween. While some kids were out getting candy I was spearing em left and right collecting my victories. I think it's that type of mentality that separates winners from losers. Just get after it, ya know?
Good to know, sounds like you have a bright future. Good luck out there.
As the day was winding down I got to talk to a variety of people I won't bore you with but I did get a chance to meet up with QB Chase Rettig.
Afternoon Chase, looks like you're headed out to dinner but I was wondering if you could tell the folks back at home a little about yourself. Let's start with your last name, how often do people mess that up?
Funny you asked. Even my professors call me Reading a lot. I don't get it there's no N. Rettig, RETTIGGG. Like Retdig. I don't care though, by the time I'm done here they'll have to replace that Flutie statue. I'll be everywhere.
Got it, I mean I try to get it right every time but I know how that goes. Now, your numbers are pretty respectable with over 1100 passing, 53 percent completion, etc. What do you think made you get the nod for the starting job and how are you fixing those costly turnovers from the year prior?
It all starts with patience. I watched Karate Kid a lot growing up and remember that scene where he gets the fly with the chopsticks. Zen like patience. Wait for the time to strike and BAM! Touchdown. Shinskie unfortunately didn't have that. My numbers last year didn't show that too well either. It's not my fault when receivers don't get open or a defender flies in front of the ball like that gazelle on that poor bastard on the mountain bike. I put it where it needs to be. It's up to them to make it happen. I'm the leader of this offense and it shows. I put in the work all summer to cut down on my mistakes. In rallying the troops, if you will, me and some of the guys chipped in for NCAA and worked on our timing. We have a perfect record through three seasons. It gives me confidence really. If we can get it done there I'm sure we can run the gamut the rest of the season. Our biggest matchup being against those bible beaters in South Bend. Our chicks are much hotter and less stuck up. Can't wait to pound em. From ashes we arose and to which those assholes will return.
Haha, seem to have it all figured out. Any last thoughts against Tech this weekend?
Yea, COME AT ME BRO. Flutie had his miracle against Miami, Ryan against you all a few years back, and now it's my turn. Except your only miracle is me not laying four-hundo yards on ya. I'm out.
