The Key Players Week 12 Fantasy Recap

HAPPY HATE WEEK, TKPERS!

HERE ARE YOUR STANDINGS:
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HERE'S THE PLAYOFF SITUATION:

PREDICTIONS:
Hernandez's Legal D (1) vs ANUSTART (4)
JONESing for Austin (2) vs Treadmill Horses (3)

Here are some capsules for you, followed by gifs!

Hernandez's Legal D (9-3)
1st in standings, 2nd in points

Chris Obgonnaya and Aaron Dodson, raise your hands. Now GTFO because you're the only two players on this team who didn't put together double digits in a key matchup against a good JONESing for Austin team (although the latter had a bad week). Charles needs at least one of his Darrens (McFadden or Sproles) to get healthy before our playoffs to be in tip-top shape (and to avoid starting Obgonnaya again), but stands in the surest position to make the playoffs in the first place, only needing to win one out of the last two games, both of which are against struggling teams.

Week 13 opponent: OrangeBarrelReroute (5-7) 8th in standings, 8th in points
Week 14 opponent: EverydayI'mRussellin (4-8) 11th in standings, 11th in points

ANUSTART (8-4)
2nd in standings, 6th in points

Izzy won the game she needed to, since she faces two tough teams in the last two weeks. It certainly wasn't pretty, as the final score was 80.07-79.28, and Beau didn't even start a WR or RB. The Bears' DST and Donald Brown each scored negative points this week, and Wes Welker was held to an uncharacteristically low score this week (3.1), so her team is still in decent shape. She needs one more win to be in a comfortable position but two to be guaranteed, since she would lose a points tiebreaker to the 3rd, 4th and 6th place teams (and is less than 7 points ahead of me, the 5th place team).

Week 13 opponent: #OperationImpatience (6-6) 6th in standings, 3rd in points
Week 14 opponent: Treadmill Horses (7-5) 3rd in standings, 1st in points

Treadmill Horses (7-5)
3rd in standings, 1st in points

Mike is in a strong position after knocking me off this week, as he has 39 more points than the next highest total in the league (Hernandez's Legal D). Jordy Nelson, Dez Bryant and Jordan Cameron weren't good (by their standards) for him this week, and he still scored 132 points! With two winnable games in the last two weeks, I'd be amazed to see him miss the playoffs. With two stud RB's in Charles and Lacy, good WR's in Jordy and Dez and Cam Newton flourishing at QB, this team looks really good at a good time of the season to look really good.

Week 13 opponent: Denver's Nuggets (5-7) 10th in standings, 10th in points
Week 14 opponent: ANUSTART (8-4) 2nd in standings, 6th in points

JONESing for Austin (7-5)
4th in standings, 3rd in points

Tough loss in week 12, as Cody's squad simply did not perform as they had all year. While there weren't a whole lot of terrible performances (Miles Austin's 1.7 and Bobby Rainey's 3.6 were by far the worst two), they only had Adrian Peterson score 11 or more points. Fortunately for Cody, he's got good depth, with Emmanuel Sanders, Julius Thomas, Andre Ellington, Cecil Shorts, Kenny Stills and Alex Smith making up his bench; the tough part is now hammering out the position battles and winning out, the only way to guarantee a playoff spot. I still think he's in good shape, although I'm now only 23 points behind him in the tiebreak and the 6-6 #OperationImpatience squad looms and would defeat us both in points.

Week 13 opponent: EverydayI'mRussellin (4-8) 11th in standings, 11th in points
Week 14 opponent: Imagine Wagons (5-7) 9th in standings, 9th in points

Centaurrian Gray (7-5)
5th in standings, 7th in points

WHY IS MY CRAPPY YET OVERACHIEVING TEAM FINALLY STARTING TO SUCK? Semi-hilariously, my team is still in the race all in spite of me. I friggin started Chris Ivory over Keenan Allen and Ryan Mathews this week. Remember the last time Chris Ivory was good at anything besides growing dreadlocks? Me either. It would make perfect sense for me to knock off fry-fry chicky-chick and #OperationImpatience over the next two weeks, as they're both better than their records indicate and I'm worse than my record indicates. SORRY LOSERS, THAT'S LIFE! (and now, karma means I'll lose).

Week 13 opponent: fry-fry chicky-chick (5-7) 7th in standings, 5th in points
Week 14 opponent: #OperationImpatience (6-6) 6th in standings, 3rd in points

#OperationImpatience (6-6)
6th in standings, 3rd in points

If I had seen this lineup after week 4 or so, I'd tell you that it was a piece of shit. Funny how things change! Antonio Brown, Andre Brown and Zac Stacy are all in stud stretches (and hopefully Zac's concussion ain't so bad). Tom Brady is starting to rebound. Calvin Johnson still exists. Michael Crabtree is coming back. Hell, even MJD looked alive this week! Pierson doesn't officially need 2 wins to end the year, but he needs 2 wins to end the year for a shot. He gets two teams ahead of him in the standings that are falling, and holds tiebreakers over both. THIS GON GET GOOD!

Week 13 opponent: ANUSTART (8-4) 2nd in standings, 6th in points
Week 14 opponent: Centaurrian Gray (7-5) 5th in standings, 7th in points

fry-fry chicky-chick (5-7)
7th in standings, 5th in points

Danibails had to to into Sunday night thinking that Stevan Ridley and Pierre Garcon would at least give her a chance against Frank Gore and Tom Brady. Welp, that didn't happen, and her season is now in deep shit. She needs to win out, obviously, but at least stands a chance in the tiebreak column that she's not completely out of it. Getting DeSean and LeSean back from bye for her battle against TheSean this week won't hurt, either.

Week 13 opponent: Centaurrian Gray (7-5) 5th in standings, 7th in points
Week 14 opponent: Denver's Nuggets (5-7) 10th in standings, 10th in points

These teams are all either eliminated or will be. The three 5-7 squads would each need to win their last two games and have the teams in front of them lose games and then somehow win the points tiebreaks that they all trail by a lot in. Sorry, bros, not gonna happen!

OrangeBarrelReroute (5-7)
8th in standings, 8th in points

Imagine Wagons (5-7)
9th in standings, 9th in points

Denver's Nuggets (5-7)
10th in standings, 10th in points

EverydayI'mRussellin (4-8)
11th in standings, 11th in points

Money Badger (4-8)
12th in standings, 12th in points

Enjoy yo gifs!
Bruce Carter learned in his UNC classes how to get credit for not showing up. Unfortunately for him, the pros aren't quite so easy and don't pay quite as much.
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Kyle Long must have drank the last Zima.
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Jimmy Graham gives 0 fucks about your goalposts, Atlanta.
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Scott. Tolzien. Wat. Woah.
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RIP Falcons
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RIP Jason Campbell
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RIP Redskins and RGIII's balls
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Say what you want about the Lions, but every single one of their games is exciting to watch. Four of their games have been decided by three or fewer points, and seven have bene decided by one score. That's pretty damn exciting.
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Nate Burleson with a hilarious self-depricating celebration
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Tavon Austin is fast (or as Moose Johnston likes to call him, Tavon Martin...oops)
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Turquoise beats Teal!
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I don't even...
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The Chiefs are not undefeated anymore. They're also not onedefeated anymore.
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Andrew Luck and the Colts did not have a very good day.
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Larry Fitzgerald and the Cardinals did.
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Who knew that the Titans-Raiders game would have an exciting ending? Besides Jesus, of course.
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Fitting outcome of Sunday night's turnoverfest
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Just a normal handshake between two legendary QB's...overshadowed by CAMERAMAN SHOVE!
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Wait, you thought that I was gonna miss Joe Fauria's latest dance moves? PLEASE THROW HIM MORE TD'S MATT STAFFORD WE NEED MORE DANCE MOVES.
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