"Foe"Rensics: Boston College

Hello. Welcome to this week's "Foe"Rensics feature. This week we'll travel up North to visit one of the premier football powerhouses in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. No, not the vaunted Minutemen of UMass (and not Maryland, as some idiot insisted last week¹, we're popping the hood to take a look inside the Boston College Eagles!

Images people commonly associate with Boston, which is fitting, since that's not Boston. We'll get there.

1. So...about last week...

A. Don't. Don't even fucking ask.

2. But...

A. Okay, look. I have personally borne witness to losses to Temple, James Madison and UVA², and those were all worse than this. I know, I know, people don't want to lose to Duke, people don't want to lose EVER, I'm just trying to put things in perspective here. This isn't your father's Duke, this isn't even your older brother's Duke. If Frank can get the team to react the way they've reacted previously to unfathomable losses, I'm comfortable with using that game as motivation for the rest of the season. I think we all had our collective meltdowns afterwards (I enjoyed being called a Beamer apologist with a heavy implication I perform inappropriate sex acts on him and having FSU fans gravely intone the impending demise of Beamer a la Bowden to me Saturday night) but let's sack up and focus on the rest of the season. November is here, which is traditionally a good month for watching Hokie football. Plus, Kendall played lights out on Saturday, so I'm choosing to focus on that and blocking the rest out. For example:

Someone Else (SE): Oh my god. I can't believe we lost to Duke.

Me (ME): Yeah, but Erick Green graduated, we've got a lot of young guys, so...

SE: Uh, I wasn't talking about basketball, I was talking about foo-

ME: DO YOU LIKE PEANUTS.

SE: What? What does that have to do with Duke footba-

ME: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT ONE OF VIRGINIA'S CASH CROPS.

SE: I'm pretty sure that's not a cash crop. You'd know that if you got an Economics degree from somewhere like Duk-

ME: HEY, DID YOU HEAR KENDALL FULLER HAD THREE INTERCEPTIONS IN ONE GAME? I FORGET WHO IT WAS AGAINST OR WHAT THE OUTCOME OF THE GAME WAS.

SE: Uh, yeah, you know that was the game we los-

ME: I AM GOING TO REMOVE YOUR TONSILS WITH MY FINGERS IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP.

See, it should work like a charm.

3. Alright, then, moving on.

A. Yes, moving on. This week we leave the warm confines of the Southern states to venture up to the hometown of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, who I'm sure are both BIG Boston College fans. Boston College was originally founded by Massachusetts religious crusaders, also known as the Puritans, who were protesting the taxes they had to pay on the tuition at the local British university.

The original Boston College mascot, reflecting the strong anime influence amongst early Bostonians

While the college was originally located in Boston (naturally), they moved it to Chestnut Hill in the 1910s which, at the time, was NOT Boston. Since then, the city limits of Boston have expanded to incorporate portions of the village of Chestnut Hill, but only parts (the rest of Chestnut Hill lies in two different counties). To me, that's like New York University moving to Newark but keeping the name because hey, close enough, right? We don't want to have to print ALL NEW custom license plate frames and knit caps, DO WE? My main point being, never hire someone with a geography degree from Boston College³.

4. Do they play football?

A. They do! Now known as the "Eagles", although occasionally informally called the Heightsmen (which I always thought was one of the crappy band name ideas from "That Thing You Do!"), Boston College has a proud tradition of being the best football team in upper New England since at least, like, the 1980s⁴. The early 1980s were also the "Flutie era", who you may remember from the grainy footage constantly shown (particularly when Billie Flutie played at BC) of the short guy in the XXXL shirt throwing a miracle touchdown to beat Miami. Boston College also has a strong argument for being a potential SEC candidate (despite their location), as they claim a national championship for the year 1940 despite no one awarding them said national championship.

5. Well, hey! They must be as good as Alabama then, right?

A. Right, no. They had a pretty good thing going under Tom O'Brien, who decided to ditch them to take over the POWERHOUSE North Carolina State Wolfpack (remember those guys, who hold up the losing end of the series against Duke?) Since then, they've made a series of coaching hires based on the impressiveness of the candidate's mustaches, meaning that if this Steve Addazio thing doesn't work out, just wait for the Wannstache to show up. Addazio had a couple of up and down years at Temple before coming to Boston College last winter, taking over a team that finished 2-10 last year and, if anything, OVERachieved in the win column. Addazio appears to be a legit, non-douchey coach (which is a departure from the Spaz he took over from) and has already got BC to three wins this year and, with Maryland, NC State, New Mexico State, Syracuse and (let's be honest here) us left on the schedule, has a decent chance to get them back to the bowl. If you've read any interviews with VT's players this week, you'll know he's also gotten them back to SUCCESSFULLY being a physical team that likes to pound you into submission. I may enjoy this game more than any BC game in the past, except for the season ender in 1999 when we clinched the Sugar Bowl berth.

The stache is strong in this one.

6. So no spread offense this week?

A. NO SPREAD!

7. Hurray! So, getting back to Boston College, what have they done for the world?

A. I think I have found a warmer place in my heart for them knowing that they have contributed Publisher's Clearing House (Ed McMahon!), Spock (Leonard Nimoy!) and Robin (Chris O'Donnell!) to the world. Some of us (looking at you, Hokie Wartooth) will be disappointed to learn that a certain beneficiary of nepotism matriculated there, Capitol Hill's reigning Bro of the Year Luke Russert!

8. They almost had me with Spock, but no, I'm going to have to go back to despising them.

A. If you needed a reason other than Matt Fucking Ryan to root against them...

9. PLEASE. He Who Shall Not Be Named.

A. Sorry! I also won't bring up Steve Aponavicius, the accidental walk on kicker who out BeamerBalled us in 2006, and is now the all time career leading scorer in Boston College history.

10. Seriously, dude?

A. Sorry! So, highlights of Boston College's roster. It almost doesn't get any better than the two all-name team candidates, Spiffy Evans (who will see the field returning punts and at wide out) and Win Homer, who is from Virginia and should have come to Blacksburg for no other reason than the jokes we could make from his name. But, the winner of the Boston College roster is senior linebacker "Blue" Steele Divitto, seen here.

Intimidating, sexy, or both? YOU MAKE THE CALL.

11. Anyone else?

A. Yes! The football team has been strengthened by it's own nepotism, with Louie Addazio at Tight End, although he doesn't appear to play much and his mustache is pretty weak sauce at this point. Other than that, there's a STRONG French and French Canadian influence on this team, with Al Louis-Jean Jr and Kevin Pierre-Louis joined by two native Quebecois, Mehdi Abdesmad and Joel Karim Zoungrana.

12. Mon Dieu!

A. Indeed.

13. And their Fuller status?

A. No Fullers. However, due to French roots on the team, I checked for any players named "Plein" (French for Full) or "Complet" (French for Fuller). They have none of those either, so Dieu ait piti de leurs mes⁵.

14. Any important rivalries we should know about?

A. Boston College's historic rivalry is with Holy Cross (and appears to be the reason why Bill Simmons detests college football in general) but Holy Cross basically took the UVa route and deemphasized football. According to their Wikipedia page, the next strongest rivalry is with Syracuse, who they played annually from 1961 until BC's departure from the Big East. That rivalry will now be renewed since they are Atlantic Division foes.

BC also has the "Catholic Bowl" with Notre Dame, the only two "Catholic major football powers" (snicker). The game has only been played 22 times, though, and will not play again until 2015, making its rivalry status questionable. Lastly, Wikipedia lists US as a "rival", which is really only the case because the ACC paired us as an annual cross-division game when next year they should really switch us to Louisville.

15. Any Boston College traditions we should know about?

A. Um...their mascot's name is Baldwin, because "Bald" eagle and "Win" games and haha, pun? Did I mention Heightsmen?

16. Um...okay. So the game is ACTUALLY IN CHESTNUT HILL this week. Where should I eat if I venture north?

A. Once again, I am in a position to help you. I've BEEN to Boston⁶ and I ate while I was there! Unfortunately, I did not go to Chestnut Hill (I was actually in Cambridge, where a lot of Good Will Hunting takes place) which is right across the river from Boston, and we ventured over and ate at Church of Boston near Fenway. They are a bit pricy, but they have a very nice beer selection and their Mac and Cheese game is ON POINT. Let's take a look at some reviews:

Leah from Yelp:

"so one time I went to Church post co-ed softball game and I talked to a bartender at who told me that the bar is meant to be a sports bar. there were a lot of tvs with sports playing, as there usually are, which is kind of surprising b/c the crowd is more so a mix of hipsters & locals listening to an eclectic mix of live bands ...but at the time, no one seemed very interested in the sports anddd it was shark week. so the bartender switched a tv to for me!"

SHARK WEEK! Thanks, Leah!

Vanja from Yelp:

"Rolled in here (the club) with Kimmi, a 47 year old cougar who had successfully picked me up and drove me here from a nearby Shaw's parking lot. The place was dark and seemingly dingy but the hipster looking bartenders/door staff/crowd gave away the real nature of the place before I ordered my first long island: painted to look cool but lacking in substance. Calling this place a true rock and roll joint would be like calling Kimmi a hot piece of ass."

So, Vanja, I can't tell if you are bragging about Kimmi (and really, a 47 year old who goes by "Kimmi"?) or what, but you are drinking long island iced teas and should be castrated if you weren't dating postmenopausal women.

Last thing to add, their burgers were pretty good and they have something called a Breakfast Corn Dog which sounds pretty freaking good to me. Also, if you are someone who partakes of the finer things in life or just doesn't like beer, they have a drink menu called the "Seven Deadly Sins" which is funny because they are called "Church of Boston", GET IT?

17. So, Boston is pretty far north. Have they even heard of Barbecue up there?

A. Actually yes, they have. In fact, there are a plethora of BBQ joints to choose from should you make the trek up. As we've discussed in weeks past, venturing north of the Mason-Dixon isn't really a good plan if you are going for the express purpose of barbecue, but if you are in need of a fix, they don't tend to focus on regional foods, they tend to take a "Hey, SOUTHERN barbecue" approach, with a heavy dose of either Memphis or St Louis style ribs and TEXAS because a fuck-ton of people are from Texas and they are ridiculously proud of their state even if it means eating brisket instead of pulled pork. With that in mind, I chose Redbones, which is, once again, not actually in Boston, but what the hell. Let's go to the reviews:

From Noah's Google review:

""Roll your sleeves up, because it is going to get messy" at this "always-packed" "hub of ribs culture" in Davis Square, where the "gut-bustingly great", "melt-off-the-bone" BBQ is "well priced" and "worth every calorie"; service is generally "pleasant" on both levels, though many folks feel the "atmosphere is better downstairs" where the decor is more "funky" — even though upstairs is where you can "spin a giant wheel and let the fates decide" which one of the "ton" of beers you should try."

I "don't know" if "Noah" gets how "quotation marks" are supposed to be "used", but I'm "wagering" that having a "conversation" with this "guy" is "pretty irritating" since I'm getting a "mental image" of him "constantly using finger quotes about shit he shouldn't finger quote."

So on a serious note, the reviews were mixed, but they had positive things to say about the pulled pork and they offer baby back ribs so give it a try. This joint has also been there a while, and in my experience, barbecue joints with crappy food don't tend to stay in business. On the other hand, Famous Dave's still exists and this place is rather isolated from strong barbecue country, so who knows.

18. Ringing endorsement. Back to football. What should we expect from Logan Thomas and the COUNTDOWN TO FIVE INTERCEPTIONS:

A. Well, for starters, I'm glad to see that Kendall Fuller decided to single-handedly save Torrian Gray's job by picking off THREE PASSES. Of course, on the other side of the ball, Logan had a rough afternoon, making a couple of bad decisions and getting some unlucky tips to register four interceptions of his own. So, this week his Fuller Adjusted Interceptions, or FAINT count is up to THREE. Now that we are bowl eligible, this leaves him 5 (or 6) games to throw two additional picks.

And let me add here one thing. I understand that people are not always happy with the way Logan Thomas has played. He's struggled mightily at times, I will be the first to admit. People have said it more eloquently than I can, but this guy has busted his ass for this team for the last five years, and has essentially been the ONLY offense we've had this year (and last year, to some extent). So whatever your opinion of Logan Thomas, I ask you one thing. He's got five or six games left in his career here, and it's a career in which he's won a ton of games, set a number of statistical records that are pretty impressive, at least to me, and put up with a tremendous amount of shit from us⁷. As Andy Bitter pointed out, Leal ain't happening this year unless Logan, God forbid, gets hurt⁸. So all I ask is appreciate what you have, which is a monster of a man at quarterback who has good days and bad days throwing the ball but absolutely trucks people when he tucks the ball and runs. Next year you'll have your Leal and as soon as he throws a pick we'll start hearing from the Andrew Ford truthers. Logan may not be an ideal quarterback, but he's ours, he's won a ton of games for us, he plays his ass off and I'm going to miss him when he's gone.

19. Here, let me help you off your soapbox.

A. Thank you.

20. Alright, how about the RAGE MATCH?

A. So, maybe I pissed Dadi Nicolas off last week by not awarding him the #RAGEMATCH? Because he went out and took it this week. Between watching him go ballistic between plays (seriously, a couple of times it looked like he was having a seizure), his aggression and the interception, he was clearly the outstanding defensive lineman this week, from both a production and intimidation standpoint. However, if they had given Derrick Hopkins the ball and he scored a touchdown on that goal line play, it was his for the taking.

21. Yeah, Dadi scared me on Saturday. What should we watch for in the game?

A. Aside from hoping Luke Russert is a special guest commentator:

• If Kyle Fuller is back to 100%, because clearly our offense is shit without him.
• EXUM ISLAND DAY CARE BACK
• If we can find a way to just play all defensive linemen and cornerbacks. That's it. Oh, and Jack Tyler and Tariq Edwards and Kyshoen Jarrett.
• If you're on the radio feed, hoping Mike Burnop drops a "snot knocker" or two talking about the physicality of the game.
• How long before the TV commentators bring up Flutie OR the strong linebacker tradition at Boston College. Over/Under is 13:40 left in the first quarter.

That's all for Boston College. Next week we return with NOT MARYLAND. That's right, the U IS BACK...on our schedule next week!

¹I think I was just hoping that Maryland would take BC with them to the B1G
²Although this was during the Clinton administration, so...
³I don't know what you do and I'm not trying to tell you how to run your business, but probably best to avoid hiring people that decided to get degrees in Geography period.
⁴That's when Holy Cross decided football wasn't that big of a deal and joined the DI-AA Patriot League
⁵That's "God have mercy on their souls" in Quebecois
⁶Once!
⁷Overheard in the stands on Saturday: "People wouldn't defend Thomas this much if his last name was Glennon" which...seriously, asshat?
⁸This is nothing against Leal or whoever is our starter next year. But anybody who is rooting for Logan or ANY of our players to get hurt is a bad person, sorry.