World Cup For College Football Fans Part IV

Hello. Welcome to the final installment of our World Cup Preview for College Football Fans. I hope this has been a thought provoking, heart warming journey that has moved you to tears and laughter, due to the gratuitous nut shots I kept showing.

If you're like me, you watched the U.S. in their recent warm up games get ready for the tournament and actually looking pretty damn good in the process; at least during the last game against Nigeria when everything seemed to come together for them. Just as with my Hokies, that was the final nudge I needed into completely blind optimism before the competition actually begins. I'm now convinced that not only can the U.S. make it out of the group stage, but if they play like they did on Saturday, they will win the group and have a casual stroll through the knockout rounds to their first true test against Brazil in the semis.

But before we can get to U.S. trophy celebration, which I can only imagine would include Toby Keith singing on top of a giant red, white, and blue cowboy boot while simultaneously killing terrorists, let's look at some of the other teams that get a nominal shot at what is surely the U.S.'s cup at this point.

Also, don't forget to go sign up for Thekeyplay.com's World Cup bracket challenge! Everyone can have up to two entries and the winner gets to take home a shiny, new TKP t-shirt of their choosing!

http://games.espn.go.com/world-cup-bracket-predictor/en/group?groupID=33...

Group: The Key Play
Password: SamRogers

QUICK! To Group C!

Colombia

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Arkansas. A somewhat psychotic fan base that maintains unreal expectations of what their team can do and then reacts poorly when those expectations are not met. Considering what these teams have to face just to get out of their own region/division, it's not surprising that they aren't so successful while still tending to start over-inflating their own team's hopes and losing their tenuous touch with reality.

Crazy Arkansas fan is crazy

I will say that at least Arkansas doesn't (normally) have the violent bend to their support, and if you haven't watched The Two Escobars then brace yourselves. Colombia once again comes into the World Cup with rather lofty goals and they've already lost their best player. Lastly, tie in the cocaine fueled economy in Colombia and the meth industry in Arkansas, and it's almost uncanny.

FIFA Ranking: 8. As a side note, FIFA just released new rankings so all of my old ones are obsolete. Because of course.

Official Bus Slogan: Here travels a nation, not just a team!

Wow. That must be a pretty big bus.

What's the skinny? Radamel Falcao, in addition to having the coolest last name, has a lingering knee injury that he did not recover from in time to participate. Colombia is not so strong at the back, meaning they're now going to be relying on much less talented attackers going forward to overcome the goals they will surely give up. Luckily, they're in a bad group.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: The easy pick here is Teofilo Gutierrez, who also is on less than friendly terms with sanity. In fact, he reminds me of this former Colombian player:

Just the sack to do that in a game. That's awesome.

But for me, I'd watch for Jackson Martinez. He hasn't scored for the national team in over a year (and competitively, since qualifying for the LAST World Cup) but he's banged in 31 and 29 goals for his club team the last two seasons respectively and I think his speed is the key that unlocks Greece's defense.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: Far, far too high for Colombian fans.

Will Most Likely: Make it out of the group this time (yay! No one gets shot!) but not any further.

Greece

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Okay, imagine the most boring style of football possible. Now, imagine said boring team winning a conference championship a decade ago, in a slightly fluky way, so that team has doubled down on the boring. That's Greece! And sadly, that's also sort of Iowa, only it's that Kirk Ferentz thing they're locked in to until the apocalypse. And now the winning is gone and all that's left is the boring. While I urge you to soak up as much of the World Cup as possible, don't watch Greece. They'll make you hate soccer.

FIFA Ranking: 12. Further justifying the evil that is Greek soccer.

Official Bus Slogan: Heroes play like Greeks

No, they don't. Heroes vanquish the Greek soccer team with fire and brimstone to the cheering of the masses.

What's the skinny? I CANNOT recommend enough that you avoid Greece matches at all costs. They will strive for 90 minutes to prevent ANYONE from scoring and hope to squeak in a goal somewhere. If they could win every match 1-0 or draw 0-0, they would. It's bad and they should feel bad.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Jose Holebas because he's (seriously) the only player whose first name doesn't end with an 'S' and that's literally the most interesting thing I could find about their team. I fell asleep three times writing this section.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: About the same chance as they have of leading the tournament in goals scored.

Will Most Likely: Score at most two goals and go home after the group stage to leave the rest of us in peace.

Cote d'Ivoire

College Football Team They Most Resemble: This one was tough, but I'm going Wisconsin here. Mostly based on the reputation that the Badgers have for churning out beef eating hulks of offensive linemen and running backs. Cote d'Ivoire has the Toure brothers, Yaya and Kolo, who will decimate you. Yaya is a ridiculously gifted, both physically and technically, midfielder who can outrun 80% of other players and bulldoze the remaining 20%. He's famous for picking the ball up in his own end, dribbling past, around and through everyone else before unleashing an unstoppable shot. He's Ron Dayne and the Wisconsin offensive line rolled into one body. And if he were the only one who could do that, it would still be unfair (he's not).

But before I forget, Kolo was having an affair and pretended to be a car salesman so his side piece wouldn't figure out who he was (and that he's married with two kids) and she snapped this picture of him to send to her friends when they finally told her (after two years) that he was a famous soccer player.

This is the greatest BUSTED! face ever. In the SHOWER!

FIFA Ranking: 21. Primed for a Rose Bowl run.

Official Bus Slogan: Elephants charging towards Brazil!

Seriously, Yaya might qualify as an elephant, and when he charges, just cower in fear.

What's the skinny? In addition to Yaya, they've got an experienced (but old) goalkeeper and defense and are led at the front by one of the scariest strikers of the last decade, Didier Drogba. While Drogba is 36, he's supported by Salomon Kalou, Wilfried Bony and Gervinho, each of whom will be ready and willing to chip in goals. That doesn't even include Yaya thundering them in from midfield. While Greece will try to suffocate you, Cote d'Ivoire will destroy your will by hammering you in the face with goals, which is much more entertaining to watch.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Drogba is getting on in the years, and while Kalou and Gervinho are expected to start along side him, I'd watch Wilfried Bony. Besides having the impeccable taste to play for a Welsh team (Swansea City), he's the youngest of their legitimate attacking options and scores about once every three games, all in competitive matches.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: Not as good as if they actually fielded elephants. While I think motivation would be difficult going forward, I feel like an elephant in goal would be extremely useful shot stopper.

Will Most Likely: Relieve us all of the tedious Greeks by taking the second spot in the group, knocking off the winner of Group D in the Round of 16 before succumbing to the Spaniards in the quarterfinals.

Japan

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Imagine a team that all of a sudden, in the last 20 years or so, decided it was gonna get real good at something and started committing resources and their talent to efficiently achieving that goal. Sounds like Boise State, right? Japan cared not about soccer until the 90s, then started its own league and built a national team that dominates its region and took a few scalps off some of the big boys as well. And while Japan doesn't play on blue field, they ARE the Samurai Blue and one time a player proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend right after beating Croatia in the Fiesta Bowl. I think¹.

FIFA Ranking: 46, which is about right considering they had a very up and down 2013, including losing all their games at the Confederation Cup last summer.

Official Bus Slogan: Samurai, the time has come to fight!

Now I can't stop picturing a team of blue, sword wielding samurai attempting to do battle with an elephant and now I need to know who would win that fight.

What's the skinny? Japan actually plays a style somewhat similar to the US, particularly in the Nigeria match. Their fullbacks will overlap on the sides and they'll use the concept of pressing as a team to overcome talent deficiencies against better teams. Whether or not they will be more successful against a weaker group will be interesting to find out.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Keisuke Honda. Shinji Kagawa is the guy you've probably heard of (because he plays for Man U) and Shinji Okazaki is the more likely goal threat, but Honda makes the team go. He's really the best shot for creating opportunities for Japan to score and a legitimate threat to just say fuck it and score himself.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: As likely as actually getting a chance to see sword wielding samurai take on an elephant. And Google was absolutely no help in finding this either. :o(

Will Most Likely: Beat Greece, draw another game and lose the third and miss out on the knockout round.

Alright, the final group up is Group B, home to both the defending Champ AND the runner up from the last World Cup.

Spain

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Florida State. Historically, a very good team that has been through some hard times before finally returning to glory by winning the championship last time out. And while it was Spain's first World Cup win, they do have three Euro Championships to add to it. They will absolutely wear you down with all the talent they have, and while Xavi is much more senior relative to Jameis Winston, this picture of him was recently snapped:

Sure you had that when you walked in. Suuuuure.

FIFA Ranking:

Official Bus Slogan: Inside our hearts, the passion of a champion

Ok, this is lame. I mean, I guess you don't have to go for intimidating when you won the last World Cup and the last two Euros, but since you have a strong one, you should just put your team nickname, La Furia Roja².

What's the skinny? They're good. Real good. They play a possession based style that's famously (or infamously, now) known as Tiki Taka that's lots of little passes designed to wear down a defense until they make a mistake. Plus, at least eight of their probable starters come from Real Madrid or Barcelona, and remember from the Germany preview about guys being better when they've played together longer? Well a lot of these guys basically grew up together and instinctively know what each other is going to do on the pitch. It's almost an unfair advantage.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Sergio Ramos. Not because I actually like him...I don't. But, he is one of the best center backs in the world AND he's got a temper like no other, holding the Spanish league record for most red cards (19) in a career. Remember, that means he's ejected from the game and they cannot replace him. He's done that 19 times. And he's only 28. Dude is nuts.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: Pretty good. They'd become the first team to repeat since Brazil did it from 1958-1962.

Will Most Likely: While most of this team comes from the Barca academy, they'll run into the best player from that academy, Leo Messi, in the semis and the dream will die at his hands, or rather feet.

Australia

College Football Team They Most Resemble: A team in a really hot, dry place that recently made a significant upgrade in their conference/region affiliation and has a really weird indigenous mascot? If they wore purple, Australia would BE TCU. Tired of beating up on New Zealand and Tahiti in the Oceania Federation, Australia jumped ship to Asia³ in order to play better teams more regularly. They also call themselves the Socceroos and have a kangaroo on their badge, which is no weirder than calling yourselves the Horned Frogs, if you ask me.

Also with a reputation as a stronger defensive team, sadly the analogy dies when you realize they don't have a LaDanian on their team with misspelled tattoos.

FIFA Ranking: 62. Despite the move to Asia, the Socceroos bring the lowest ranked squad this go around. Deservedly.

Official Bus Slogan: Socceroos: hopping our way into history!

Oh my lord, this a strong contender for worst slogan. I don't even have a joke here.

What's the skinny? After seeing the draw and realizing that their "Worst Team Here" problem is compounded by the "In a Group With Both Finalists From Last World Cup", Australia went for a makeover. They hired a new coach late last year who is bringing a ton of young players and you have to feel they've given up any hope this year to build towards 2018. They probably have the best chance to lose every game here.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: I was tempted to go with Bailey Wright here, a 21-year-old who has NEVER played for Australia before and is somehow going to the World Cup. Instead, I'm going to pick Massimo Luongo, who has played for them once, in March. Not because these guys are going to do anything in Brazil, but because this is the future of Australian soccer and they will be in their prime for the 2018 World Cup. Also, I picked Luongo because I saw him play in person last year playing for Swindon Town, a podunk team in the middle of Wiltshire, which is where rednecks in England would come from if England had rednecks. It was awesome and he was pretty fun to watch.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: About the same as the Moonshine BBQ shenanigans Outback is trying to pull not being a complete culinary travesty.

Speaking of which, I think it's appropriate to take a moment to bring back the food section and see what the people are saying about the Moonshine BBQ. Leila R writes:

Tonight was just such an epic failure food-wise... (T)he entrees...the terrible terrible overpriced entrees. I decided to try a selection from their new Moonshine BBQ menu...What came out was the smallest steak I think I have ever seen...The shrimp were also tiny, there were four on the skewer and the little strip of bacon they were wrapped in was pretty gross. The shrimp themselves tasted rubbery and even with the overly sweet bbq sauce, still lacked any semblance of flavor...I definitely did not get my $14.99 worth and when they asked me to take their new menu selection survey, I made my disappointment known in the comments.

Damn. Shockingly, an Australian themed restaurant screws up cooking with fake Appalachian spirits. And Leila let it be known with a STRONGLY WORDED LETTER. I think that's Australian for EAT IT, SUCKERS.

Will Most Likely: Honestly, they'll probably lose all their games. It will suck hard.

Chile

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Ole Miss AND Mississippi State. While they produce the occasional star like Alexis Sanchez and Arturo Vidal (not unlike Ole Miss), culturally I believe they are more akin to the blue collar Mississippi State mindset. Regardless, they are massively emotionally involved in the sport but surrounded by too many good teams to ever actually have succeeded at winning an international tournament, even with pulling the occasional diamond out of their ass like Sanchez.

FIFA Ranking: 14. Hahaha, now I'm trying to picture either team from Mississippi justifiably ranked that high and I can't stop laughing.

Official Bus Slogan: Chi Chi Chi! Le Le Le! Go Chile

Okay Australia, you're off the hook for worst slogan. God, this is almost as bad as thousands of people ringing cowbells for three hours straight.

And because I kept having to write the country name and now have an insatiable craving for it, here you go. NOW YOU WANT IT, TOO.

What's the skinny? From one perspective, Chile is like a Bud Foster defense, aggressively swarming the ball as early as possible to force you to make mistakes. In other respects they are the polar opposite, since if their opponent breaks through the pressure, the back of their defense is extremely shaky. Their aggressive defense can be fun to watch but will surely contribute to them giving up stupid goals and they'll have to rely on their stars up front to keep their heads above water.

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Alexis Sanchez. He's ridiculous and was the second leading goalscorer (behind Messi, of course) at Barcelona amongst a constellation of talent, including Neymar. He's their best hope of knocking in the goals to keep them alive against the likes of Spain and the Dutch, and I'm actually kind of excited to watch him eviscerate the suspect Dutch defense.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: They've never won an international tournament. That statement will still be true in a month.

Will Most Likely: I think they're going to beat the Dutch to finish second in the group and then get absolutely crushed by Brazil.

Netherlands

College Football Team They Most Resemble: Oregon. Aside from the tandem neon uniforms, the Oranje also are known for a style of play, Total Football, much like the Ducks and the high speed Blur / Quack Attack. They've also reached the championship game of the World Cup several times without ever winning it. And last but not least, the hippie/hipster lifestyle, pot, and nature living bike riding...wait, was I talking about Oregon or the Dutch?

FIFA Ranking: 15, surprisingly low for the runners up from four years ago. Sadly, it will be justified after the tournament.

Official Bus Slogan: Real men wear orange

Hell yeah, they do! Generally as a nice, understated trim around #ALLMAROONEVERYTHING, and NEVER with blue.

What's the skinny? They are led by goal machine Robin Van Persie and twin bald dynamos Wesley Sneijder and Arjen Robben, who is the closest thing to NASCAR in soccer because he can only turn left. They are, of course, hampered by a highly suspect defense⁴, but employ a somewhat unconventional defensive tactic in midfield:

I hope he yelled out "JUDO KICK!" like Austin Powers when he did that

Player You Should Pay Attention To: Everybody loves Arjen Robben, but for me, if I'm going for a diminutive, bald Dutch winger, I'm going Wesley Sneijder. While Robben walks around looking like a total asshole, Sneijder looks like he's genuinely having fun, which is way more fun to watch than some angry, scrawny bald professional soccer player who can't kick with his right foot.

Chances of Winning the World Cup: Who knows. At their rate, we should probably pencil them in as most likely to LOSE the final since they're REAL good at that.

Will Most Likely: Since they wound up in a group with Spain, second is probably the most realistic shot to go through but by no means guaranteed with Chile in there. I'm going out on a limb and saying the Dutch play three games and go home.

Alright, that covers it! We actually managed to BS our way through all 32 countries, now go use your newly acquired knowledge to cheer appropriately! Remember, Brazil kicks off Thursday at 4:00 PM and I can guarantee there is no football on at that time so you've got nothing better to do.

¹I may have been wrong.
²The Red Fury, only slightly better than The Red Menace or The Red Skull.
³Yes. Australia is now in Asia. Use that to taunt kids who think there are still seven continents.
⁴I should know, they'll start a defender from my club team, Aston Villa, who are terrible.