"Foe"Rensics: Chestnut Hill Bald Eagles

Hello. Welcome back to "Foe"rensics, which I've always hoped makes victories more enjoyable and reduces the tab we're accruing at ABC in seasons like this one. And last one. And the one before it.

1. Why do I feel like this is leading to some terrible news?

A. It's not. Since we played like Temple from 1998¹, I'm going to write the recap you'd get from a Temple blog that year, which is none because blogs didn't exist yet and Temple were too awful to have one even if they did.

2. Oh. Then where are you going with this?

A. Well, at this point, I need to address a serious topic. Many of you have been around for a while and remember Tech's final days in the Big East. The year before we joined the ACC and won it for the first of FOUR times in ten years, we finished 8-5 with a 4-3 Big East record. The year before that we were 3-4 in conference, and 4-3 again in 2001. The conference had become a noose tightening itself around our wattles. It was only when we fled to the winning-averse ACC were we able to stand on our own two feet again.

So what now? We certainly can't flee back to the Big East American, with the likes of East Carolina and Cincinnati licking their chops at the prospect of playing us every year, nor historic power houses like SMU and Houston waiting to rise again. No, we need to look somewhere that will allow us to immediately reassert our dominance and restore the "Terror" to the "Terror Dome".

That logo looks good in those colors, is all I'm sayin

3. What the hell are you talking about now.

A. Hear me out. Logically, we get placed in the East division. What would be better for our record, particularly our conference record, than annual matchups against Florida, Vanderbilt, Kentucky and South Carolina, only one of whom (Kentucky?!) has a winning record right now? Mark Richt has perennially lost control of Georgia and Missouri clearly can't keep up with the fast pace of life and football here on the East Coast, particularly here in the Blue Ridge Mountains. We might as well book our hotel in Atlanta the first weekend in December every year!

4. As long as it gets us the hell away from Pitt, I'm in favor.

A. THAT'S the spirit! Until then, let's take a look at the current Coastal Division standings:

Uh...

And here's how the division projects to finish:

#Duke is leading #UNC is charging and Operation 4-4 is getting closer in the Coastal @HollyAnderson pic.twitter.com/Tsk5bsSIYu— CFB Leaderboard (@cfblb) October 27, 2014

This seems somewhat akin to sticking my face in that burning toilet

4. So the rest of the season we're just looking to ruin other seasons now?

A. Hey, misery loves company! I really compare the rest of the season to walking through a field of tall grass filled with rakes to step on. And this week, the rake is Boston College! For the definite source of information on the Golden Eagles, please reference this enlightening text. However, this year we're looking to dive a little deeper into the analysis.

5. Whatever's coming has to be better than your VT4SEC Photoshop.

A. Hey, I worked sort of hard for a couple of minutes on that.

6. Right. Sorry. So, what idiocy do you have in store for us this week?

A. THE GOLDEN EAGLES VS OTHER GOLDEN THINGS, starting with: Golden Corral

While I constantly confuse this with Western Sizzlin, both offer mediocre quality buffet food at prices that allow even the most economically challenged of us to feast until our livers bleed. In contrast, I've never gotten a single thing to eat from Boston College while I was in Boston².

Ah, the logo makes my sphincter lock up in fear of what soon shall pass

Winner: Golden Corral

6. Really glad I'm reading this at lunch time.

A. Golden Snitch

This actually most reminds me of a Boston College game. One team can completely dominate the game, either football or quidditch, for 95% of regulation. Then, out of nowhere, the competition pulls a golden snitch out of its ass³ and wins. And the team wearing garnet and yellow/gold wins even though nobody likes them and DAMMIT, now I'm crying again.

Great, now I hate Gryffindor, too

Winner: Golden Snitch, only because it's not Matt F#@*ing Ryan

7. #TeamHufflepuff, over here

A. Golden Flashes, Golden Hurricane

While each of these nicknames originated in the 1920s, the "Eagle" is a tired, overused mascot. Not only that, but Marquette, Southern Miss, and Tennessee Technological University are ALSO the Golden Eagles, and the University of Charleston (WV), Auburn, Rock Valley College, SUNY Brockport all use a Golden Eagle as their mascot. How original, BC. And NOT ONLY THAT, but Boston College's mascot on the sidelines is a damn BALD eagle, NOT a golden one⁴. Idiots.

These are both more intimidating than the wrong kind of bird

Winner: TAG TEAM VICTORY, Golden Flashes and Golden Hurricane

8. The Flash looks like an angry bird.

A. Golden, CO

The home of Rocky Mountain Koolaid or "Coors", the banquet beer. While my personal opinion is that this is terrible beer, it is quite affordable and when I made my home in Blacksburg, it was the liquid fuel to many a fun filled night. Plus, once you get through three or four you don't taste it anymore, anyway.

Also easily better than Natty Light, Natty Ice, and every type of Beast

Winner: Coors Light

8. This is not helping the nausea

A. Al Golden

AH, NOOOOOOOO, GET IT AWAY FROM ME.

Winner: Boston College

9. GOOD GOD, MAN. Can we end on a high note?

A. Lyrics

It's actually hard to pick one, here. If we're going strictly with the word "Golden", U-God informed us in Gravel Pit that he's "the kid with the golden arms" and in Reunited the RZA let us know he's "got the golden egg plus the goose". However, I think the definitive Clan entry in this category comes from GZA, featuring Method Man from Liquid Swords and isn't Golden, but Gold:

While Wu Tang is for the children, the lyrics here may not be appropriate for children

Winner: Wu-Tang Clan

10. Great, that was constructive and useful. Tell me about their Fullers.

A. They have none, and deservedly so. In a related note, MStrawther, a key member of our AV Club, came up with the Letters Ranking Average (LRA) last week and it's only right that I should determine what my LRA is. Using the from last week, I can determine my LRA as:

T - 5
H - 2
E - 15
F - 8
I - 19
F - 8
T - 5
H - 2
F - 8
U - 17
L - 12
L - 12
E - 15
R - 23

For a total of 151 over 14 letters, or an LRA of 11. I am Kendall Fuller. I am an infallible speed demon who is happiest when the opposing quarterback is watching me return his pass for a Hokie touchdown. While I am the youngest of the Fullers, I am feared throughout the land and aspire to be the GREATEST FULLER OF ALL TIME.

11. Wow, congratulations. Any other roster notes?

A. They DO have freshman QB Troy Flutie, the fourth Flutie to attend Boston College and, at 6-0, the tallest by roughly a foot. They also are attempting to counter our favorite Canadian with TWO Canadians, Mehdi Abdesmad and Joel Karim Zoungrana. However, theirs are both Quebecois while ours is Ontarionian, therefore we win by default.

Finally, they have approximately a billion dudes from Jersey on their roster, a blatant attempt to use the Armpit of America as an advantage over Pitt. It didn't work for them, either.

12. What if I'm going to Boston? Any recommendations on things to do?

A. Well, as a reminder, Boston College is not IN Boston, it's in Chestnut Hill. And if you google the best things to do in Chestnut Hill, at the top of Yelp's list is the Healthworks Fitness Center for Women. Awesome! Let's hear from Konstance:

The benefit of an all female, nearly smell-free environment was worth every penny, almost.

Wait...NO DUDES?! This place wouldn't let in a SINGLE FULLER BROTHER? WHAT THE HELL?! Debra, what do you have to say for yourself?

Do NOT expect any smiles at this chestnut hill location. The people at the desk are ridiculous- take your card and hand it back without a smile. The coolidge corner location is far more humane.

WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU EXPECT FROM A PLACE THAT DOESN'T ALLOW FULLERS?!

13. What about colleges in Chestnut Hill?

A. Well, Boston College can boast it is one of the TOP TWO colleges in Chestnut Hill, along with Pine Manor College (Go Gators!). In fact, let's hear from A Google User:

Great academic school... the social scene isn't so wonderful, but you go to college to study not party (most of us anyway)... Also, the on-campus housing is pretty terrible, but the academic experience I cannot say enough about!!

Sounds...super fun. Because you can't have fun or live in a nice place AND have academic quality at the same time, that's key to remember. Luckily for us, Elizabeth Glennon, cousin to Mike and Sean, also had some words on BC:

Job plo

Seems like she's as good at completing sentences as other Glennons are at completing passes.

14. Harsh, dude. How are our FAINTs looking?

A. For those of you who doubted me last week, the Hokies move to 0-2 when Brewer fails to complete a pass to the opposition. Perhaps it's time to see if Sean and Mike have a little brother with eligibility left...

15. What should I be watching for this weekend?

A. Now that the scourge of Thursday night games are finally behind us, we can get back to what we do best. Kickoffs before 1:00 on the ACC Network! In case you didn't know, we are UNDEFEATED on the ACC Network this year and yes I will now begin openly campaigning to get EVERY game scheduled on that broadcasting disaster. But also:

• The giant vats of Stick'Em that Shane better bring to the sideline
• How many times the announcers say "Flutie". Over/Under is 17.5.
• If the Be-Leal-ver chants materialize after Brewer's inevitable first pick
• If we're going to sack up and save this season or keep letting teams beat us that shouldn't.

And I leave you with a guarantee that no matter what happens against Boston College, WE WILL NOT LOSE NEXT WEEKEND.

¹Yes, I specifically chose that year because us beating Ohio State last month is eerily similar to Temple beating us in 1998 in that they defy logic
²Probably because I didn't go to Chestnut Hill, which is still not in Boston, but is where Boston College is
³The ass in our case is, of course, Matt F$&#ing Ryan
⁴To be perfectly clear, bald eagles and golden eagles are different animals. It's like naming yourself after a weird fish and trotting out a flamboyant man who falls off his horse as your mascot.