"Foe"Rensics: Techmo Bowl

Hello. Welcome to "Foe"Rensics where you're awarded an engineering degree from Georgia Tech after reading over the course of the season. We, of course, covered Georgia Tech last year, so this is actually like getting a graduate degree. Finish the whole article and I will declare all of you doctors!

1. So what happened last week?

A. Last week was a bye week.

2. Wait. Last week, you told me we were playing East Carolina? What...oh snap, we lost, didn't we.

A. Nope. We beat East Carolina, 3-0.

3. ...that's a soccer score.

A. Sigh. Yes. We beat them on Sunday in women's soccer.

4. What happened on SATURDAY. It's okay, you can tell me.

A. We...we held them scoreless from the 2nd quarter until 16 seconds left in the game. Before and after that...not good things happened to our secondary. Bad things happened in THEIR secondary. Many bad things, including drops, overthrows, balls thrown to the wrong place and balls thrown to the wrong dude. We seemed like we could run it a bit, if we wanted to, but we didn't really want to. So...yeah. Let's move on.

5. Okay. Well then, time for Georgia Tech. Talk to me. How are they this season?

A. Fine, thanks for asking. They are actually doing okay at football this year as well, defeating a killer slate of Wofford, Tulane and Georgia Southern, which is probably just as good as beating anOSU at the Shoe. Unfortunately for them, they still have Paul Johnson as their head coach, hated by his own fans, even the dead ones.

6. That man makes me feel like Kelis.

That's weird, I have the same shirt

A. That about captures my feelings as well. Georgia Tech's mascot is actually a very intimidating insect whose defense mechanism is disemboweling itself¹. Scary indeed. But how does it stack up against other versions of bees? What would happen if Buzz, the anthropomorphic Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket got in a fight with other famous bees? LET'S FIND OUT!

7. Uh...ok.

A. Blind Melon Bee Girl

This girl is dealing with a lot of anger, isolation and frustration. I really feel like any provocation from a bee would result in a reaction like this...

So that's what happens if she never finds her field full of weird bee people

Now, put a fly swatter or a newspaper in her hand? LIGHTS OUT, BUZZ.

Winner: Blind Melon Bee Girl

8. Well, that's a fair fight. Anyone more Buzz's size?

A. BuzzBee the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee

Man, that dude's got crazy eyes

Okay, here's an opponent much closer to Buzz's weight class, so you'd think a more even fight, right? Well, you aren't factoring in the constant sugar high that BuzzBee operates on as well as the honey dipper (a useful blunt weapon) he brings to the fight. Plus, this is a grudge match, with the sniping over who stole whose remarkably unoriginal nickname going back to the 70s.

Winner: BuzzBee

9. So now we're pitting fictional bee characters against their mascot...

A. Bumblebee man from Simpsons

Yes! I know, you're thinking he's not much of a fighter. He'd probably just get stung, then do this:

He's still better at the news than Kent Brockman

And retire from the fight. But have you seen the beating this guy can take? He'd wear Buzz to the point of exhaustion and then pummel him.

Winner: Bumblebee Man from Simpsons

10. Sort of a reach there, isn't it?

A. Bumblebee

Yeah, even the Volkswagen Beetle version would win

Well, how about this one. He's a robot and therefore impervious to bee stings. Plus, he's armed with fricking laser beams that would vaporize Buzz. This would be the least fair fight of all except for:

Winner: Bumblebee

11. Oh god, what next.

A. Wu Tang Killa Beez²

They gonna swarm

Simple: a Ghostface Killer and a Masta Killa armed with a Liquid Swords. Then Raekwon the Chef would cook us up something delicious with honey and Buzz's carcass.

Winner: CLAN IN DA FRONT

12. Lord. Let's move on. How is their Fuller situation?

A. Not only do they still have Paul Johnson as a head coach, they've also got zero Fullers. Piles upon piles of crap down there in Atlanta.

13. Any other roster notes?

A. Yes. As it happens, the Jackets do have a pair of a pair of brothers, Synjyn Days and Jabari Hunt-Days, the latter won't play this season because he does not meet NCAA eligibility standards, as well as Lance and Lawrence Austin, who are actually twins. The Austins are freshmen defensive backs, but anyone that thinks they can overcome the power of brothers at Virginia Tech by trotting out twins should ask Ronde and Tiki how that worked out for them³.

On a darker note, RS JR offensive lineman Tim Seager will be making a return to Blacksburg, where he played high school football. I guess he went to Atlanta to walk on and study engineering because there was NOWHERE CLOSER TO BLACKSBURG WHERE YOU CAN GET AN ENGINEERING DEGREE, HUH TIM? VIRGINIA TECH ADMISSIONS LITERALLY TAKES WALK UP APPLICATIONS AT BLACKSBURG HIGH SCHOOL. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN DOING?

Lastly, they actually have TWO Rodericks AND a Broderick; Rook-Chungong, Tyler and Snoddy, respectively. I can only assume they were all named for Roderic, the 8th century Visigoth king of Hispania (the Iberian Peninsula), or perhaps Rod (Roderic) Brind'Amour, the Canadian hockey player.

14. Georgia Tech is in Atlanta. Should I go there?

A. I do not recommend going there this weekend, unless the sight of Paul Johnson on the sidelines makes you angry enough to want to avoid this game or if you aren't down for some DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION: LANE STADIUM EDITION. If you ARE planning on being in Atlanta, it appears the most popular thing to visit there⁴ is World of Coca-Cola! That's right! The home state of Paula Deen and her deep fried butter on cookie dough sandwich is ALSO home to a drink that provides tons of calories with no nutritional value! Surprising, I know. But don't listen to me, let's hear with the reviewers had to say! First, Dayvson Oliveira:

IS WIZARD ONLY FANTASTIC!

Okay. I'm a Pepsi guy⁵ but anything that is ONLY for Wizards has to be cool, right? What do you think, Jeffrey Swartz?

How many cokes can you drink in one day? Please take your kids.

Is it me, or is this review a whole lot more fun if you read the first sentence in a super chipper, happy voice and the second sentence on the verge of breaking down into sobbing?

15. So...you pay to go to a museum celebrating the advertising campaigns of yesteryear? Sounds worth it!

A. Totally. Continuing our theme of using Google as a resource to evaluate institutions of higher learning, let's hear what the good commenters out there had to say about the Georgia Institute of Technology! What does Robert Richards have to say?

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA TECH!!!! GO DAWGS!!!!

Wow, Google clearly establishing its bona fides as a legitimate source for evaluating a college. What did Sean Zimmett have to say?:

The degree will be great, but you will probably hate every day spent at Georgia Tech.

I'm betting he was on the football team.

16. Speaking of, let's get back to Hokie football. How are our FAINTs looking?

A. I'm not going to sugar coat this. Kendall has inspired the fear of Fuller⁶ in opposing quarterbacks and they don't appear willing to challenge him very often. Brandon Facyson is clearly not playing at full strength. Brewer does not appear to yet understand that it's not a good thing for the opposing team to catch his passes⁷. It's moments like this that you wonder...What Would Kyle Fuller Do?

Damn that dude is good at football

Oh, that's right. Kyle would just pick you off. Even in the NFL, he just can't help himself. And I feel like his play Sunday night helped put the weekend in a better light. Therefore, his contributions on Sundays will now count towards the FAINT count, because hell, nothing else is. Therefore, with five interceptions thrown and two Kyle Fuller interceptions, our FAINT count stands at 3, still above our season goal of -2, but finally showing signs of life.

17. I'm in favor of anything that includes watching Kyle Fuller do Fuller things. What about the RAGE MATCH?

A. So, I hate to keep doing this, but I have to recognize that two guys played like absolute animals on Saturday. Deon Clarke had two sacks and a whole lot of energy and Ken Ekanem had 1.5 sacks, another two tackles for loss AND the two dudes combined for 8 quarterback hurries. Seriously, I'm not sure what is more demoralizing at this point, seeing Deon Clarke running at you like a wild man or hearing him go ballistic after he wrecks your world. Dude is so much fun to watch.

17. What should I be watching for this weekend?

A. Sadly, there will be no Kyle Fuller on the field to emotionally traumatize Vad Lee and celebrate by high fiving the ref. BUT, you should watch out for:

• Seriously, Kendall. 4 pass breakups last game. FOUR. You couldn't pick off ONE of those?
• If Bud can force Paul Johnson's face into full grinch mode.
• If we have any intention of actually letting Shai McKenzie and/or Juice Williams establish some kind of rhythm in the running game or if, ya know, we're just going to try and throw the ball until we hit Frank's age in attempts.
• I really want a blocked punt. I don't think anything would make me happier in the entire world.

Congratulations, you made it all the way, DOCTOR! Come back next week to learn about Western Michigan!

¹I know honey bees are technically the only bees that always do this, but yellow jackets do also have small barbs and the same thing can happen to them so COME AT ME, ENTOMOLOGY BROS
²If you don't think I'm going to now find the dumbest way possible to tie the Wu Tang Clan into every "Foe"Rensics from now on, well...hold on to your butt.
³They only beat us once. Shocking, I know.
⁴Or at least the attraction that paid the most to get their item filtered to the top of the Google search results
⁵#TeamDietMountainDew
⁶Just another word for deity, really
⁷I'm also pretty sure that dude has taken at least one concussion in the last couple of games, which may have something to do with those throws to the wrong team and everything to do with why they should seriously consider letting him rest and recover so his brain's not screwed up the rest of his life