TKP Fantasy Football Draft Recap/Season Preview

Greetings ladies and gentlemen. College football is upon us, which also means that the second best football league out there starts soon.

We have three leagues this year - the Frank Beamer Conf, the Bud Foster Conf and the Sam Rogers Conf. I made all three leagues publicly viewable so even the people who aren't in leagues can still join in on the public shaming.

Every week, I'll post up the best NFL gifs of the week as well as a handful of praises and insults. Keep in mind also that I am an extremely biased Redskins fan (I could have just said "I'm a Redskins fan") so there will be a large combination of self-loathing and hating on my fellow NFC East brethren. I put a lot of time into these posts, but I also really really love it when people find awesome gifs from the current week in football and either post them in the comments or tweet them to me (@seanhoganvt). Don't feel bad about the huge time commitment I make on these threads, though...I won the league last year and plan on doing so again!

Without further ado, your draft recaps/season previews. Remember, I am going out of my way to make fun of every team. Most of the usernames are off the top of my head, so if I screwed it up, let me know.

FRANK BEAMER CONF
Centaurrian Gray (historyhokie): A good amount of talent, but quarterbacked by he who shall not be named, so there will be 1 playoff win at best. The good news is that when DeMarco Murray inevitably gets hurt, I drafted a white RB in Toby Gerhart to back him up. And I drafted Alex Henery, who is already cut.
The Belealver (badmaroonrising): Oh my god, did Beau really name his team after Mark Leal? His team is packed with Eagles (Foles, Maclin, Ertz) and former Eagles (DeSean), so he's guaranteed to not win a championship. Despite getting Jamaal Charles first overall, Beau's RB corps is suspect, with Shane Vereen starting at his RB2 position in a non-PPR league.
Team Daniballsdeep (danibails):In last year's league, Danibails had horrible luck for most of the season, seemingly playing the highest scoring team every week while having the second or third highest scoring team. This year, she doesn't appear to have the same problem, with an eclectic mix of injury prone or mediocre RB's, 2 kickers, and Joe Flacco (he's backing up Aaron Rodgers, but still, Joe Flacco?). But she does have Jarrett Boykin on her roster, which might even out having gigantic douchebag Martellus Bennett on her team.
BeermeEgbert (egbert):Had the best draft, IMO. Not because he got the most value (Wes Welker in round 3, Dennis Pitta in round 5, and a kicker in round 7), but because he drafted Peyton Manning before Scobeard's spot, causing Scobeard to throw a tantrum. egbert also drafted Marcel Reese, which reminded me that Marcel Reese is a living person still (I'm assuming, at least).
Demaryius Targaryen (The Fighting Gobbler): Best team name, probably best WRs (Megatron, Demaryius, Torrey Smith, TY Hilton), best team? Not so fast. While The Fighting Gobbler corrected his mistake of drafting too many Lions (3, which is 3 more than 0) by trading Reggie Bush to egbert for Frank Gore, he has a strange mix of RB (Gore, Rashad Jennings, MJD, all of the Carolina RB's that perennially disapoint me, and Frank Gore/Steven Jackson's backups). I would not be surprised if this group of RB's booms, and I would not be surprised if this group of RB's busts. Also, fuck Coby Fleener.
Vick In A Box (phillyhokie007): The other candidate for best WRs (although I think it's a close second with AJ Green, Antonio Brown, Victor Cruz and Eric Decker) has two Jets and three Giants on the roster (Cruz, Ivory, Decker, Elisha Manning and Andre 2000), which would be a great idea if any of them were good (fine, Cruz is good). When the team is at 100% strength starting in week 3, phillyhokie007's RB corps will be Sproles, Ray Rice, Bernard Pierce, Chris Ivory and Andre Williams, which sounds great in a 2013 PPR league.
Team Griffindor (realdiehl): Like Robert Griffin III meets Harry Potter, get it? Would make a great team name if RGIII was his QB and not the combination of the offspring of cousins and some dude with no soul. This team is actually pretty solid, but may struggle at the FLEX spot when Stevan Ridley fumbles his coffee in a morning meeting and Bill Belichick benches him for the next eleventeen games.
Johnny Manzielgeist (scobeard): Despite drafting a girl (Christine Michael), two kickers, Johnny Manziel and another QB that is not Peyton Manning, scobeard's team looks pretty solid. Brees, Lynch/Spiller, Gronk, Watkins/Boldin/Golden Tate, wait what? Did scobeard think we were drafting a 0 WR league?
Team Morton (etch21): etch21 managed to draft a team full of players that my roommate will draft in his leagues (he always has the worst teams and ends up somehow making the playoffs, so I guess this is kind of a compliment). He got Doug Martin, Le'Veon Bell, Keenan Allen, Philip Rivers, Chris Johnson, Fred Jackson...I wish you guys knew my roommate to see how uncanny the draft resemblance was. etch21's team looks good on paper, but when you get your draft compared to that of a probably narcoleptic guy who wears Ochocinco and Linsanity shirts non-ironically, you might want to light that paper on fire.
Team Cody w/ a C (biz_belle): Is there another way to spell Cody? This must be an inside joke. I don't get jokes. This team is not a joke, with a modest amount of boom potential (Montee Ball, Andre Ellington and Michael Crabtree) and some bust potential (Cam Newton, Roddy White, Reggie Wayne, plus a suspect bench). I'm still trying to figure out the joke. Is it not a joke?
Treadmill Horses (macraw83): This team is not run by THE Treadmill Horse, but certainly will give THE Treadmill Horse something to neigh for. With a starting lineup of Wilson/Brady, Peterson/Bernard/Mathews, Julio/Harvin/Floyd, Rudolph, macraw83 will be hard to beat (like last year). He gets bonus points as well for having Shayne Graham as his kicker, but must watch out for his RB depth, as Mark Ingram and Terrance West are his backup RB's and his flex guy Ryan Mathews is made out of paper mache.
Turn Down For Watt (CharlesK): Other than (still) starting a suspended kicker, Turn Down For Watt looks pretty good. Having Colin Kaepernick as your only QB might be a bit risky, but Forte, Bryant and Nelson are studs and Ben Tate is a solid RB2. If Tate or Steven Jackson go down (which given Tate's history and Jackson's age might be a sure thing), Charles might have to think fast, as his backup RBs are Danny "Why don't you believe me when I tell you I play in the NFL?" Woodhead, Jeremy Hill, James Starks and Bryce Brown.

BUD FOSTER CONF (0.5 PPR)
Denied Pussy Touchdown (prripper): Great team name, solid team on the field. Forte/Marshall/Antonio Brown is a great top 3 for a 0.5 PPR league, and guys like Gronk can obviously pitch in as well. I really liked the draft until I saw that prripper ended up with 2 Oakland WR's (Denarius Moore and Rod Streater). It may be your bench, but you can't wash the Raiders out...it just spreads everywhere.
Highty Tighty Phoenix (HightyTighty): Grabbing Demaryius Thomas and AJ Green in a 0.5 PPR is a good strategy. I'm not crazy about the flex spot (Golden Tate/Terrence Williams/Darren Sproles), but this is another well put together team. I'm glad you guys weren't in the league last year.
Cartoons Plural (hokiehighlander, I think): Named after everyone's favorite Hokie, and in everyone's favorite Hokie tradition, there are #ALLOFTHETES (Witten, Rudolph and Tim Wright). Tim Wright is so irrelevant I had to include his first name (yes, I know that Belichick will turn him into a non-murderous Aaron Hernandez, but I haven't hated on anyone in a while). Charles, Jeffrey and Brees (WHAT KIND OF LAST NAME FOR A FIRST NAME IS BREES?) will lead this team to Wins Plural, but like with many other teams, I'm not crazy about the bench (12 team league, I know. There is no pleasing me).
Houston Swedish Chef (Andrew - what is your TKP name?): While the name has nothing to do with the Hokies, I love it. Despite being led by Bryant and Murray, who play for the most terrible NFL team on Earth, this team is pretty solid. There's enough upside guys (Allen, Hopkins, Sanders, Benjamin) and enough safe guys (Ryan, Olsen, Jennings, Bell) to cook up something delicious.
Dork Magic (mnemonic): Wow, this team has a bunch of speed: Kaepernick, Bernard, Spiller, Julio, DeSean, Tavon Austin. But they will be cursed as long as they roster the douche that attacked Kyle Fuller.
Cajun Graham-Balaya (MV Net 2011): True story: I didn't know how to say Jambalaya until Stone Cold Steve Austin let us know what he ate for lunch during Wrestlemania long ago. This is another decent team, with some exciting young players who could break out in 2014 (Ellington, Patterson) paired with some old standbys (Foster, Fitzgerald, Graham, Wayne). Jarrett Boykin is there as well for whenever Reggie Wayne remembers that he's 400 years old.
Kuhn on the Cobb (PeteBuddyWilson): TKP's resident bag man evidently is a big Packers fan, with Lacy, Cobb, Rodgers, and Kuhn on the team. Sounds pretty good, right? Oh yeah, that's rookie TE Richard Rodgers, not Aaron Rodgers (fun fact - both Packers Rodgerses went to Cal. Unfun fact - the 2003 Insight Bowl featuring one of them). PeteBuddyWilson must have used up his eclectic mix of coupons and wooden nickles on Hokie recruits instead of a bench, as he has MJD as his flex back and not a whole lot on the bench (also, that was the second time I used "eclectic mix"...I don't have an eclectic mix of a vocabulary).
Ticket Oak (VTimHokie85): The creepy tree that gives out tickets to sporting events put together a good starting lineup despite having no hands. Peterson/Martin/Tate is a good 1-2-3 punch at RB/FLEX and Torrey Smith and Victor Cruz are no slouches, either. The one potential cause for concern could be a lack of RB's on the bench (like, literally, there are 0 RB's on the bench), but Eddie Royal is there, which makes me happy.
Vick In A Box (Alex Koma): We have multiple Vicks in multiple boxes in multiple leagues. Those Vicks will really get after ya. Other than Dennis Pitta (who, despite owning in 2 leagues, I'm not much of a fan of this year), this team has some talent, with the good Manning at QB, Bell/Gore at RB and VJax/Garcon/Maclin at WR. As with other teams, I don't like the RB depth, but if Le'Veon Bell can avoid blunts and Blount and Gore can stay healthy and effective, this team can be pretty good.
3rd and 31 (3rd and 31): This guy has all of my favorite jokes: Christine Michael, Wes Welker, Bishop Stankey Leg and Chris Ivory (I have no reason to hate Chris Ivory, other than that I dislike terrible football players). Despite all of that, he has McCoy and Jordy Nelson, and a healthy Harvin could make this team look pretty good.
Rocco's Italian Army (Rocco): I'm just gonna call this team Rocco's Modern Life (as opposed to Michael Rocco's Modern Life, which includes 38-0, not being good enough to be LOLUVA's QB, and not being good enough to be Richmond's QB). Jokes aside, Rocco found a lot of value in the draft, grabbing Monte Ball, Megatron and Julius Thomas as anchors (plus Crabtree and Mathews) and waiting to grab safe options in Rivers and Pierre Thomas (0.5 PPR, remember) later on. I don't see any Italians on this team - maybe you should trade for Giovani Bernard, that's a strong Italian first name.
Foster's D gets after ya (vtdirk12): Starters' average age: 40 (Rodgers, Lynch, Bush, Andre Johnson, Wallace, Vernon Davis, Knowshon). Bench' average age: 40 (mostly rookies and Carson Palmer). I'm getting bored with all of your league's solid teams. I wish somebody had a really shitty team I could make fun of.

SAM ROGERS CONF
BOURBON BEAMERBUDBREWER (jctaughtme): Name game is STRONG here. Four great things that start with B. Just add Beer, Bacon and Boobs and we really have a party going. I'm a big fan of the top 5 picks (Peterson, Brown, Cobb, Sanders and Davis). We'll have to wait and see how the 1 RB strategy works out, though (Jeremy Hill and Roy Helu are the only other RB's on the roster). Also, Rod Streater sighting again. Owned in 2.6% of ESPN leagues and 66.7% of TKP leagues. SLEEPER ALERT, YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST!
Whigs and Torreys (TaylorK): Nothing like a good Revolutionary War team name to celebrate beating W&M. This team is pretty good. McCoy, Ball, Jeffery, even TOBY. Maybe I just like it because we have three starters in common. YOU WIN AND I WIN, TAYLORK.
Team FranklyIncensed (Coach McGuirk?): When your team sounds like a Frank Beamer cologne line, you must be good. Only having 2 WR is a bold strategy, especially when they're Garcon and Harvin. Perhaps when RGIII throws for 700 yards and 10 TD in each of his first three games, he'll be able to trade Brees for some WR depth.
Team Copeland (Deiter Dangler): Nothing fancy about this team, just solid all the way around. Patterson and Hopkins give some WR breakout potential, hoping to offset the fact that there's a soulless ginger on the team. Since Dieter Dangler doesn't have a team name (unless he wants Team Copeland all year), I'd suggest Zac Stacy's Mom. I heard she's got it going on.
Champagne Supernovaks (eshiben5): bahahahahahahahahahahaha it's a pun based on Nick Novak's pisscapades on the sidelines of that game in 2011. This is a team that has some players, mostly good, but one being Chris Ivory. They will be good. If you're below them, just watch out...don't drink the rain. It's not rain.
Doges Plural (Such hokie Very football): such catches. very forte. so luck. much depth. phil dogeson.
Megatrons Johnson (Mooreheads Axe): Is this a Megatron dick joke? Does Aaron Moorehead use Axe? Are Roethlisberger and Alex Smith your two QB's on purpose? Megatron and Marshall should be enough to keep this squad in most games, and Gronk and Jennings have the potential to put up some solid #'s as well. I'm just a little uncomfortable with the QB and RB situations (Vereen at RB2 in non-PPR league).
Carolina Sex Panthers (VTMaroonOrange): Can we petition the NFL to change the Panthers' name to the Sex Panthers? The Sex Panthers have Aaron Rodgers and some decent RB depth. I could see 60% of the time it working every time for them. Also, Big Handz Boykin is on this team.
Fuller Up (will_castel): Get excited, there is a Fuller on this team! As well as the most anti-Fuller player in the league is on this team. Booooooooooooo! When Ray Rice and Wes Welker get back from suspension, this team will look a lot better, but for Danny Woodhead and Riley Cooper/Hakeem Nicks will be in the lineup. I do like Graham and Green to catch a bajillion passes between the two of them, though.
Ertz Donut (ftkeith): A lot of solid talent here in Martin, Murray, Andre Johnson, Allen, Russell Wilson, etc. With the 11/14 picks, it's hard to get a true stud, but overall a well built team. Another OAK WR sighting with Denarius Moore.
Team Powers' Mojo (8300A_Hokie'12): There are 4 NFC East starters on this team (Morris, Cruz, Witten, DeSean), which could be a pretty smart strategy when you take a look at the defenses in that division. Ain't no Bud Fosters up there. Peyton Manning is on this team, and will likely be good at footballing again in 2014.
Sarah Stone DD Here 4 the TD's (Choppin wood by the JUGS): Solid combo of safe and risk here, with a bunch of upside in young guys like Ellington, Foles, Demaryius and Floyd. Who knows, maybe Ebron James will break out as well.

In conclusion, FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL LOTS OF FOOTBALL GO HOKIES.

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Comments

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"I'm high on Juice and ready to stick it in!" Whit Babcock

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Taylor, looking desperately throws it deep..HAS A MAN OPEN DANNY COALE WITH A CATCH ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE FIVE!!!!....hes still open

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"I'm high on Juice and ready to stick it in!" Whit Babcock

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Taylor, looking desperately throws it deep..HAS A MAN OPEN DANNY COALE WITH A CATCH ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE FIVE!!!!....hes still open

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Not the bagman VT deserves, but the bagman VT needs right now.

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"I'm high on Juice and ready to stick it in!" Whit Babcock

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Not the bagman VT deserves, but the bagman VT needs right now.

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"I don't know what a Hokie is, but God is one of them" -Lee Corso

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A picture is worth a thousand words. A gif is worth a million.

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A picture is worth a thousand words. A gif is worth a million.