TKP Fantasy Football - Week 1

Football is officially back! Week one is in the books, and nothing exciting happened. Just kidding. Wes Welker popped some mollies and now hes sweating (and suspended) and Ray Rice got released and suspended indefinitely for being a terrible person. Remember, I'm a Redskins fan, so you can figure out my biases pretty easily. Draft recap/season preview was here. To the recaps!

NFL Week One
Seahawks 36, Packers 16
The 2014 opener went from being a good game to an ungood game during the third quarter. Eddie Lacy died (concussion) and Marshawn Lynch LOLed at everyone who was down on him in their drafts this year (20 carries for 110 yards and 2 TDs).
Texans 17, Redskins 6
The Redskins turned the ball over twice inside the 10 yard line and had two kicks blocked (one of them returned for a touchdown). Oh well. 15-1, SUPER BOWL, HTTR! Also, Jadaveon Clowney hurt his knee and could miss a few weeks.

Falcons 37, Saints 34 (OT)
MARK INGRAM HAD 2 TDS MARK INGRAM HAD 2 TDS MARK INGRAM HAD 2 TDS and the Saints still lost. Matt Giant Douche Ryan outdueled Drew Brees, tossing the ball for 448 yards and 3 TDs while Matt Not a Douche Bryant outdueled Shayne Graham, making all 3 of his FG attempts (2 of which were the 50+ yarders that tied and won the game, respectively).

Vikings 34, Rams 6
Remember when everybody overpaid for Cordarrelle Patterson this year? Only had 3 catches for 26 yards, what a bu-OH MY GOD THAT TOUCHDOWN RUN. This game actually could have been a lot uglier if the Rams didnt recover all 4 of their fumbles.

Steelers 30, Browns 27
Browns gonna Brown. Came back from a 27-3 halftime deficit to tie the game with 11:15 left in the fourth only to lose on a FG as time expired. DAMMIT BROWNS, WHY DO WE LET YOU BE A TEAM? LeVeon Bell proved that hes the lead back, getting 21 out of the 26 RB carries (109 yards and a TD) and surprised everyone with 6 catches and 88 yards receiving. And Ben Tate got hurt, which surprises nobody. Antonio Also a Giant Douche Brown did this, too:

Iggles 34, Jaguars 17
Remember when the Iggles were down 17-0 at halftime to the Jaguars? Wish we could have just ended the season there. The game was much closer than the score, with 10 Iggles points coming in the last 2 minutes of the game, but once Napoleon Dynamite stopped doing shrooms and started throwing the ball accurately, they showed that they were the much better team.
Not a GIF, but look how wide open Jeremy Maclin was on his TD catch!

Jets 19, Raiders 14
If you watched this game, Im so, so sorry. Somehow Geno Smith completed 82% of his passes and Chris Ivory had 100 yards rushing. THE END IS NEAR.
Only a Jets-Raiders game could have such an amazingly bad play:

Bengals 23, Ravens 16
Mike Nugent had a field goal party in the first half, and the Ravens appeared to be ready to make the Bengals pay for their inability to score TDs, but then AJ Green did this and we could all go back to making fun of the Ravens again. Also, fuck Ray Rice with a spike covered baseball bat drenched in Sriracha.

Second gif for Joe Flacclolololz

Bills 23, Bears 20
31 year old Jay Cutler was a popular breakout candidate this year (by myself, amongst other people) despite being the same goddamn quarterback hes been for the last 8 years. He completed 69% of his passes (Total Frat Move) but threw 2 picks. At least hes not Chris Conte, though.

Titans 26, Chiefs 10
The Titans took advantage of the Chiefs Achilles heel (their players Achilles heels) and beat them up and down the field all day. Tennessee spread the ball around effectively (8 receivers with catches, 5 players with carries), averaging a cool 5.4 yards per play. Not sure which is weirder on the Chiefs end: Jamaal Charles only having 34 all-purpose yards on 11 touches or Donnie Avery putting up 7 catches for 84 yards.
Who cares about this game? All we care about is the TINY TITAN!

Dolphins 33, Patriots 20
Knowshon Moreno appears to be healthy 24 carries for 134 yards and a TD. Combine that stat line with Lamar Millers fumble, and the RB situation in Miami may have gotten a little clearer. Tommy Brady completed just over 50% of his passes and lost two fumbles in a disappointing game for the Pats offense. At least Gronk is back, although 4 catches on 11 targets isnt super encouraging for the Brady/Gronk chemistry connection.
Panthers 20, Bucs 14
Derek Anderson dot com. 24/34 for 230 and 2 TD with a receiving corps led by Greg Olsen, Jerricho Cotchery and a rookie who loves free shoes or something. Doug Martin was ineffective and left with an injury Groundhog Day?
What we expected to see out of Josh McCown, just a year late:

Graham Gano DGAF about your marching band.

49ers 28, Cowboys 17
All the Cowboys had to do to get comfortable in this game was go down 28-3. Tony Romo handed out footballs like Wes Welker handed out dollar bills at the Kentucky Derby, and Vernon Davis caught 2 TD passes.
Ouch.

Broncos 31, Colts 24
Peyton Manning became the second QB in history to beat all 32 franchises in his career (with Brett Favre being the first). The Broncos looked to be running away with the game, putting up a 24-0 lead at the two minute warning, but Andrew Luck brought the Colts back within a touchdown before eventually succumbing to defeat. The Colts didnt even try to run the ball (14 carries for 54 yards, with only 9 carries by RBs), and the Broncos basically didnt worry about giving the ball to anyone but Orange Julius Thomas (7 catches for 104 yards and 3 TDs).

Lions 35, Giants 14
Matthew Stafford had a good night (22/32 for 346 yards, 2 TD and no picks). Calvin Johnson had a good night (7 catches for 164, 2 TD). Eli Manning had an Eli Manning night (18/33, 163 yards, 1 TD, 2 picks). Yawn. The NFC East sucks.
Cardinals 18, Chargers 17
Raise your hand if you were pumped for the Cardinals and Chargers! Keep your hand up if you were pumped because they were the Cardinals and the Chargers instead of just being the late Monday night game during week 1. No hands up anymore. Got it. This game was terrible for most fantasy owners, as Larry Fitzgerald had only 1 catch, Ellington had 80 all purpose yards and no TDs, Ryan Matthews had 60 APY (with a score, though), etc. Sucks even more if your opponent had Carson Palmer as starting QB, since he had 304 passing yards and 2 TDs.
GIFS via Deadspin, GIFD Sports and SB Nation.

THE KEY PLAY FRANK BEAMER CONF

Demaryius Targaryen 120, Team Cody w/ a C 58
If you looked at the scores on Sunday night, The Fighting Gobbler was not anywhere near the top team in the league. That was because Matt Stafford, Rashad Jennings and Calvin Johnson hadnt played yet. With 72 points between the three of them, they could have won by themselves against four of the twelve teams in the league. It didnt help biz_belle that Cam Newton didnt play and Carson Palmers 20 points sat on her bench, but underwhelming performances by Andre Ellington (5 points), Michael Crabtree (2) and Jason Witten (1) didnt help, either.
Centaurrian Gray 107, The BeLealver 96
The defending champion (me!) had a tough first matchup, as badmaroonrising had the 5th most points in the league. I went the Frank Beamer route and depended on my health (I was somehow alive enough after going to the game on Saturday night to set my lineup), QB (Matt Ryan 30 points) and kicker (Matt Bryant 18 points) to lead me to victory. DeMarco Murray (17) and Cordarrelle Patterson (18) didnt hurt, either. Beau scared me a bit with Julius Thomas on Sunday night (28 points thanks to 104 receiving yards and 3 TDs), but had dud weeks out of Jamaal Charles (2), DeSean Jackson (6), Mason Crosby (4) and the Broncos D (4) to keep him from pulling out the W.
Johnny Manzeitgeist 102, Team Griffindor 97

@scobeard if I lose to you in TKP fantasy because larry fitzgerald won't catch a pass I will be so mad— Jacob Diehl (@diehliciousness) September 9, 2014

I guess Diehl is real mad. Kinda sucks to take a 95-93 lead into Monday Night Football with Larry Fitzgerald on your squad and Golden Tate on the other. Thats not to take anything away from Scobeards squad, who played very well, and didnt even need Peyton Manning to do so! Drew Brees was somewhat of a disappointment for the Johnny Footballz (15), but Marshawn Lynchs 24 and the rest of the teams consistency (all players besides Sammy Watkins scored at least 9 points) led scobeard to victory. Diehl had stud weeks from Andrew Luck (25) and the 49ers D (17), but had 2 point games out of Fitzgerald and Ridley and a good-not-great game out of Shady McCoy (11).
BeerMe Egbert 92, Treadmill Horses 83
When you have Peyton Manning, your team will pretty much always be in good shape. This week was no different, as Egbert rode the good brothers 22 and Knowshon Morenos 19 to victory, making up for Zac Stacy, Reggie Bush, Mike Williams and Jordan Camerons meh weeks (the four combined for 16 points). Macraw83s week was derailed by the Saints ugly -7 points, as they gave up 37 with only 1 sack and 1 fumble recovered; the rest of the team all scored 7+ points, but Russell Wilson (17) and Mark Ingram (18) were the only real standouts.
Turn Down For Watt 84, Team Daniballsdeep 65
Remember last year when Danibails had like an 0-100 record but the second most points in the league? At least she can look back and reminisce, because she has the third fewest points in the league after week 1. CharlesK had three good performances on the roster Kaepernick (17), Forte (16) and Vernon Davis (16) and was able to overcome Ben Tate, Dez Bryant and Steven Jacksons combined 14 points. Danibails wont be this bad every week, as the only double digit performance on the team was from jerkface Martellus Bennett (13). Maybe if she gets rid of him and the cousin (Tavon Austin 3 points) shell win!
Vick In A Box 71, Team Morton 62
PhillyHokie007s squad had a weird week, with three great performances (Sproles 14, AJ Green 19, Antonio Brown 17) but 21 points combined from the rest of the team (RGIII, Pierce, Graham, Cruz, Dawson and Chiefs D). The 2 WR/TE/FLEX combination of Green/Brown/Graham/Cruz is pretty sexy. Team Morton got unlucky with two starters getting hurt early in their games and scoring 0 points (Doug Martin and Jordan Reed), and got a surprising 0 points out of the Rams, who got blown out by a team led by Matt Cassell. LeVeon Bell was a bright spot at 24 points, and with 2 flex players on the bench scoring 14 points (CJ2K and DeAndre Hopkins), etch21 shouldnt put up this poor of a score again.

THE KEY PLAY BUD FOSTER CONF

Roccos Italian Army 138.5, Cartoons Plural 83
Calvin Johnson and Julius Thomas combined for 63 points for Rocco. Lolololol. Only the Steelers D (2) and Adam Vinatieri (6) scored fewer than 11 points for Rocco, while only four of hokiehighlanders squad scored double digits (Brees, Vereen, Roddy White and Panthers D). Jamaal Charles wont be held to 4 points each week, and team #ALLOFTHETES (hokiehighlander has 3 TEs and 12 other position playerswhich is 15 TEs, right?) will rebound soon Im sure. Roccos team looks really good, especially if Ryan Mathews can be at least semi-healthy.
Fosters D gets after ya 133, Ticket Oak 55
Good weekend for Fosters Dshut down anOSU and then whoop up on a tree that hands out sports tickets. Who would have thought that Aaron Rodgers (9) and Reggie Bush (8) would have the two worst performances on any team this week? Everything worked for Fosters D, with 24.5 out of Lynch, 15.5 out of Wallace, 18 out of Davis, 19 out of Moreno, should I continue? Nothing worked for Ticket Oak, with Jordan Reed, Doug Martin and Ben Tate all getting hurt (and combining to score 5 points), and disappointing outings from studs like Adrian Peterson (9), Tom Brady (9) and Victor Cruz (3).
Denied Pussy Touchdown 121, Highty Tighty Phoenix 82.5
Prripper put up 121 points, and that was WITH New Orleans Ds -7 point performance. This lineup was like Bluto at a buffet, just piling points on top of points to the disgust of a beautiful blonde woman (HightyTighty, Im assuming you are a beautiful blonde woman named Tyler). All skill position players for Denied Pussy Touchdown scored 12+ points, and Id argue that Brandon Marshall (15) and Rob Gronkowski (12) had meh weeks considering this is a 0.5 PPR league. Highty Tighty Phoenix on the other hand got some disappointing first week performances from Zac Stacy (4.5), Toby Gerhart (6), Dermaryius Thomas (6) and Jordan Cameron (5), and were unable to capitalize on a great first week from AJ Green (22).
Vick In A Box 112, 3rd and 31 104.5
This was a good, close matchup that wasnt decided until Monday night. Alex Koma was the leader in the clubhouse after Sunday night, led by Peyton Manning, LeVeon Bell and Jeremy Maclins combined 66 points and a total of 102 with Cardinals D and Nick Novak still left to play. 3rd and 31 had 75.5 points, but Matt Stafford and Eric Ebron left. A 29 point game by Stafford (albeit paired with 0 points from Ebron) briefly put 3rd and 31 on top 104.5-102, but two combined crappy, but enough to win performances by the AZ D and the Original Whizzinator led Koma to victory.
Houston Swedish Chef 111, Dork Magic 102
My two favorite team names in the league played in another quality game, with Rashad Jennings and Keenan Allen combining to score 22.5 on Monday Night to seal the deal. Dork Magic made a ballsy choice to start Tavon Austin over DeSean Jackson and Michael Floyd, and had he used Floyd, there would have been a tie and they would have had to duel to see who won, and to be honest, we like both mnemonic and Andrew and dont want one of them to die in a duel. Andrews squad was led by Matt Ryan (30), DeMarco Murray (18.5), Greg Olsen (18) and Rashad Jennings (17) while Dork Magic had nice weeks from Kaepernick (17) and Martellus Bennett (17).
Cajun Graham-balaya 106, Kuhn on the Cobb 69.5
106 points was a solid output for MVNet11, especially with Andre Ellington benched because of his injury. Cordarrelle Patterson (19.5) and Russell Wilson (17) led the way to victory, and they should look better in future weeks when Jimmy Graham blows up, Larry Fitzgerald gets more than 1 catch and Ellington heals. PeteBuddyWilson had a tough week, both as a Packers fan (well, Im assuming, given the fact that he has four GB players on the team) and in fantasy. The teams namesake, John Kuhn, scored more points (6) than his RB1 (Lacy, 5.5) and flex (MJD, 3). A healthy combination of Romo/Newton at QB and the return of Lacy from his concussion will go a long way, especially since he wont get 0 points out of the D/ST spot every week as well.

THE KEY PLAY SAM ROGERS CONF

Megatrons Johnson 115, Carolina Sex Panthers 90
Having Megatron on your team was just unfair this week (28). Combine that with some unexpected excellent performances from Big Ben (16) and Mark Ingram (18) and youll usually win. Mooreheads Axe also had 3 double digit scoring RB/WR on the bench in Vereen (12), Cooks (14) and Hyde (11). The Sex Panthers scored the 5th most points this week but had a tough matchup; Aaron Rodgers, Arian Foster, Ben Tate and Frank Gore all put up numbers below what I expect them to have on normal weeks, and the team was carried by Maclin (15), Olsen (14) and the 49ers D (17).
Sarah Stone DD Here 4 the TDs 112, Fuller Up 74
Choppin Wood by the JUGS had solid performances from pretty much everyone besides Demaryius Thomas (4, imagine that), led by LeVeon Bells 24 and Knowshon Morenos 19. Fuller Up was hurt with 0-fers by Cam Newton and Danny Woodhead, and would have scored 91 points had they put in Jay Cutler in Newtons spot. Other than Riley Cooper, the rest of the team all put up solid weeks, with AJ Greens 19 and Roddy Whites 13 being the highlights. Martellus Bennett had 8 catches for 70 yards and a TD this week on Fuller Ups bench. The team that owns him in all 3 TKP leagues lost this week. Why is that? BECAUSE HES CURSED FOREVER FOR BEING A JERK TO KYLE FULLER MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Doges Plural 98, Team FranklyIncensed 75
Such Julius (28). Very Luck (25). Much Forte (16). Wow. Team Frankly Incensed, on the other hand, got 24 from Lynch and 15 from Brees and not a whole lot from the rest of the team (Percy Harvin was the next highest scorer with 9).
Whigs and Torreys 93, Bourbon BeamerBudBrewer 85
Two of my other favorite names matched up in a good game. Matt Ryan picked up the rest of the Torreys, as his 30 points dwarfed their next highest scorer (Montee Ball) by 17. Team Most Good Things That Start With B (still missing Bacon, Boobs, Butts and Beer) was hurt by Ellingtons injury, and started 1 point Jeremy Hill instead. Vermon Davis (16) and Antonio Brown (16) were the two standouts, but I dont see Adrian Peterson only scoring 8 points in most weeks.
Demarcotion Criteria 77, Team Powers Mojo 66
Tampa Bay really made ftkeiths week look worse than it was, with Doug Martin getting hurt and scoring 0 and TBs D only scoring 1 point. Russell Wilson (17), DeMarco Murray (17), Zach Ertz (13) and Blair Walsh (13) all picked up the slack to get the W, though. Team Powers Mojo got 22 out of Peyton Manning and 14 out of Chris Johnson and a big bucket of disappointment out of everyone else, especially Witten (1), Cruz (2), the Rams D (0) and Mason Crosby (4).
champagne supernovaks 70, Team Copeland 49
The scores indicate that these teams are about as good as Mike London is at calling timeouts, but both had pretty tough luck this week. The Nick Novak Sideline Pissers got a combined 39 out of Matt Stafford and Gio Bernard, but had stinkers from Jamaal Charles (2) and the Saints D (-7). Ryan Mathews should find himself in the starting lineup to boost up their scoring next week. Team Copeland, on the other hand, had 18 out of Cordarrelle Patterson and a big pile of garbage elsewhere Brady (9), Lacy (4), Stacy (4), Fitzgerald (2), Cameron (4), etc. Thats not a bad team by any means, and their bench (46 points) almost outscored their starters this week.