Halfwits and Wagers: Straight to the Dome

One week removed from — shall we say — a less than stellar effort against Paul Johnson's Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, the Hokies face a tough road game in South Bend before closing out the regular season against UVa. The Hokies struggled last week in front of the Tech faithful. This week, Justin Fuente's squad is facing the daunting task of silencing 80,795 Notre Dame fans plus Roman Catholics across America. All the Irish are up against are dwindling expectations and a chance at bowl eligibility. Talk about Catholic guilt.

On to the (fake) lines!

Over/Under: 9 minutes, 59 seconds into the first quarter before you're convinced the long grass at Irish Stadium is a conspiracy to slow down the Tech offense

Brian: Well now it's going to be under. I've always filed this conspiracy theory away as an excuse used by underachieving USC teams. But now that I actually root for one of the teams on the field? Cut that grass, baby. Are we sure the refs can't go out on Saturday morning with a measuring stick and a squad full of push mowers? Let's get every single blade of grass to the appropriate height, or else we'll run the risk of sounding like UNC fans (blaming nature for the team's poor play).

Pierson: Under. I've always struggled to watch Notre Dame home games because of how slow the track looks. Regardless of their win-loss records, Notre Dame typically recruits solid athletes. But for some reason, everyone looks like they're running in molasses in Irish Stadium. Annual games against plodding offenses like Stanford and Boston College will cloud your memory, but it won't surprise me one bit at how quickly I become frustrated watching the team I root for move in slow motion.

It's no different than watching games at most other B1G stadiums (Iowa and Northwestern, for instance — two teams that aren't exactly known for lighting the world on fire with their blistering offensive pace and team speed). I don't care what you say. The fix is in. Much like the greenskeepers at US Open sites, the Irish grounds crew lets the grass grow a little longer whenever a talented team comes to town to create more challenging conditions. They probably listen to Juvenile on repeat throughout the work day.

True or False? Notre Dame QB's DeShone Kizer and Malik Zaire will each take at least one snap against the Hokies

Brian: False. I can't imagine a reason to disrupt Kizer, unless Brian Kelly is openly trying to get fired. If that's the case, he'll probably send Zaire in while cracking a beer on the sideline, staring into the NBC cameras asking to be put out of his misery.

Kizer will put the Hokies defense in a tough spot. He's the best quarterback Tech will play all year (that's right Trubisky, deal with it). He's big, mobile, and has a live arm. He'll break contain multiple times and look to make plays down field, forcing the defensive backs to cover for a lot longer than they're used to. Playing Zaire (who at this point is basically a left handed, not-as-good version of Kizer) would only set the Irish back.

Pierson: After two straight games on the sidelines against Navy and Miami, Zaire got some run last week in the Irish's blowout win over Army. Kizer has struggled with consistency during his time in South Bend, and Brian Kelly's flippant approach to the QB position has only made things harder.

With that being said — deep breath — Kizer is the type of quarterback the Hokies struggle to defend. A dual threat quarterback with weapons outside and a big offensive line can lead to open running lanes when the secondary succeeds in taking away the pass. Oh, and he can sling it. He is the type of quarterback that gives Tech fans nightmares. Short of an injury or a misplaced helmet, Malik Zaire shouldn't see the field on Saturday. I'm going with, "False."

Who finishes with more rushing yards? Jerod Evans or Notre Dame RB Josh Adams?

Brian: Evans, for two reasons. Right now, Jerod poses the best threat the Hokies have on the ground. Not only is he the most likely to find running lanes (many of which come on drop backs), he's also the most difficult guy to bring down — which says just as much about Evans as it does about Travon McMillian and Marshawn Williams. Between designed runs and broken plays, he'll get his yards on the ground.

On the other hand, Adams has only one game where he's carried the ball more than 20 times. If Kizer has the success I think he'll have, the Irish will want to have the ball in his hands as much as possible. That also means fewer opportunities for Adams, which leads to fewer yards.

Pierson: Evans has rushed for more yards over the last two weeks than Adams, but he has also carried the ball 3 and 6 more times, respectively. Adams has rushed for 45 more yards on 60 less carries this season, but we all need to remember that college football statistics are (idiotically) skewed by including sacks in rushing figures. The Hokies have allowed 22 sacks on the year for -112 yards (79th in the nation), suddenly boosting Evans into more respectable territory. For what it's worth, Notre Dame is ranked 114th in the country in sacks with 13 on the year, so sacks shouldn't be an enormous concern.

Where am I going with this? Well, if you throw out the option-based teams Notre Dame has faced, you have to go all the way back to September 17th to find an opposing quarterback that out-rushed Adams. Michigan State's Tyler O'Conner ran for 43 yards, 14 more than Adams. I'll take Adams, and frankly, I'm okay with that. I would love to see Travon and Juice get loose this weekend ahead of next week's regular season finale.

Who has the better name: Equanimeous St. Brown or Divine Deablo?

Brian: Better in terms of what? Name most likely to belong to a fifth generation yacht club member? Because our boy ESB would win that one. (What do you think his friends call him, by the way? Without doing an ounce of research, my bet is Quan. Also, I'd love to watch Joe Theismann try to pronounce "Equanimeous" at one of those Fighting Irish mixer things. How many syllables would he give it? The over/under is 7.5)

In terms of pure solidity of the name, Divine Deablo runs away with it. Not only do you get the contrast between heaven and hell (diablo in Spanish means devil), but it's also the perfect name for a receiver. Think about it.

"The catch was Divine!"
"Deablo burnt them in his tracks!"
"The Hokies needed Divine intervention, and Deablo came calling!"

In fact I'd wager that Jon Laaser has been waiting all year to use that last line.

Pierson: Time to go all middle school public speaking on y'all. Equanimeous is a derivation of the word Equanimity, which is defined as:

"A state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies."

With a name like that, attending Notre Dame seems like a birth right. Could you imagine him playing at a school on the opposite end of the morality spectrum? He would almost surely spontaneously burst into flames from all the sin.

Despite Equanimeous' admittedly awesome name, the dichotomic nature of Divine Deablo should be enough to cause panic in Irish fans. His middle name might as well be Damien. For all of our sake, let us pray that Brian Kelly keeps St. Brown on the sidelines during special teams. Otherwise, we should all prepare for the impending apocalypse when the two of them collide head-on.

Over/Under: 0.5 touchdowns by Chris Cunningham

Brian: Want to know something astounding? Apparently Cunningham only has five catches on the year. For someone whose name we hear a lot, five seems miniscule. Though, to be fair, three out of the five grabs were in the end zone, so he's at least using his touches efficiently.

As an offense, this is a week to go back to things you know work. And one of the things that has been effective all season is Cunningham's work from ten yards and in. If the Hokies get an opportunity inside the red zone, I bet at least one play gets drawn up for the young tight end.

Pierson: All Chris Cunningham does is catch touchdowns. Well, for the most part. The redshirt-freshman tight end has five catches on the year, three of which have gone for scores. Despite his youth, CC is a master of deception. He has already perfected the, "don't mind me as I fake this down block and leak behind the secondary for a nice and easy touchdown catch."

For all of you Chris Cunningham fanboys (and girls!) out there, I've got some good news for you. You see, a pattern has emerged of late. CC caught a touchdown in the hurricane at North Carolina (one more than Ryan Switzer, Bug Howard and Mack Hollins); went two weeks without a TD; caught a touchdown against Pittsburgh; and has now gone two weeks without a touchdown catch. The man is due! Give me the over.

Matchup Over/Under: 55

Brian: This seems low, but the Hokies have been held to 21 or fewer points in three out of their last five games (Syracuse, Duke, Georgia Tech). Notre Dame averages 30 points a game, but only 23 over the same five game stretch. I'll tentatively take the over. I don't trust the Tech defense to stop Kizer, but I don't have faith in the Irish defense to put the clamps on the Hokies either.

Pierson: The interesting thing about these two teams is that, statistically, they're not too dissimilar. The Hokies are #45 in the nation in scoring offense, averaging 33.4 points per game, while Notre Dame is sitting a few spots back at #53 (31.3 ppg). The Hokies are #24 in scoring defense (21.2 ppg), while Notre Dame is #47 at 25.5 ppg.

I've been riding the over this season and the Hokies have burned me the past two games. So when I saw the Over/Under settle at 55, I impulsively pegged this one as an "under." Despite Tech's recent struggles on both sides of the football, logic (and blind faith) tells me they will right the ship this week. I think last week's loss was an intense reality check for everyone. I'm going to take the over here, but I don't feel particularly confident about it.

Spread: Notre Dame (-1)

Brian: The Irish are playing for bowl eligibility and need to beat both the Hokies and rival USC to simply finish at 6-6. So the question is how motivated will an already underperforming team be to finish strong? I'm going to guess they'll come out fired up (it's also their last home game of the year), and give Tech all they can handle. Considering how poorly the Hokies have played over the last few weeks, it may be too much. I'll take Notre Dame in a close one, 34-30

Pierson: This line has been fluctuating between Virginia Tech (-1) and Notre Dame (-1) for the last few days, which means it's essentially a "Pick 'Em." The Hokies have failed to cover in each of their last three true road games and are only 4-5 against the spread this season. Notre Dame needs to win out to be bowl eligible, which puts Brian Kelly's collection of highly talented players in an interesting position. For what it's worth, in Brian Kelly's six years at the helm of the Domers, the Irish have won 8 or more games every season. How well can they deal with that adversity to simply reach a bowl game? Tech's bowl streak is a source of pride within the program, but how much does this Notre Dame squad care? Tech has looked really good in each of their previous two games coming off a loss. I think the Hokies right the proverbial ship once again and come away with the victory. I'll take the Hokies OUTRIGHT.

Disclaimer: Some of these are real betting lines, but many of them are fake and none of this is real advice that should be taken seriously.