"Foe"Rensics: William and Mary

There's not a more accurate football history of the Tribe anywhere on the internet.

Hello and welcome back, faithful readers. Last time out, the courageous heroes were venturing down into the hot, humid, and dangerous swamps of Florida to do battle with a bunch of five-star circus performers. The intrepid combatants would defend their honor in the midst of thousands of hostile adversaries, striving to write their names into legend, tip the balance of power against evil and make the world a safer place.

1. I'm assuming you're talking about the football game. What happened?

A. Well, I am a humble man. Being a Fuller, which brings with it all the awesomeness of Fullerdom, this is more difficult than you can imagine, but Mama Fuller raised her Fullers right. So it is difficult for me to point out that per the pre-season preview, I am technically in the lead as the most best prognosticator since I have correctly predicted the number of losses incurred by your beloved Hokies, that is, to say, zero.

2. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? But I thought this was Lethal Simplicity, this was the Five Star University, this was the start of a new era that would be littered with National Championship Trophies?

A. Uh, I mean, it MIGHT, but all Monday night was littered with was bodies that Hezekiah Grimsley caught. My only conclusion is that Bud Foster is an enormous Atlanta Braves fan, just found out that FSU had appropriated their thoroughly original and not mildly-uncomfortably-racist chant and unleashed holy hell on Deondre Quebecois and Cam Akers, who managed to go nowhere or backwards more than they managed to do anything right.


Hezekiah means "Brings the Thunder of the Heavens and Unloads It on Some Poor Sap Who Should've Never Gone So Far From Home." It's biblical. Or his fury is.

To capture some of the highlights from Monday night:

  • My cat-obsessed daughter saw a dude named McKitty who, despite being a Seminole, immediately became her favorite player
  • I think if they'd have continued to feed the rock to McClease, the Hokies would never have botched away so many points and he would have finished with 300 yards and Tech would have won by 42. This is just Cornelson messing with my Breakout Player prediction
  • This is the first football season for two of our cats1 who spent Monday evening hiding under a bed and now fear me and the television
  • That may be related to my son, the loudest human being on the planet, asking me to please be quieter more than once. Whatever, I don't work for him.
  • Let us never speak of that third quarter again, unless it is solely to praise Oscar Bradburn

3. So what happens next?

A. This week, the Hokies face the team that regularly rivals James Madison for the second best team in the state although, to be fair, Old Dominion has been making a push into this conversation recently. William and Mary was named for that infamous extramarital tryst between William Wallace and Queen "Bloody" Mary. As any student of English history knows, Wallace broke into Camelot, stole the sword from Lancelot, used it to break the chastity belt off of Mary, and wooed her away from her evil husband, Henry VIII2 and fled across Stirling Bridge to southeast Virginia. Henry launched 1,000 ships in pursuit, but they were sunk by the Spanish Armada, led by Captain Morgan and Achilles, and William and Mary were able to pursue their dreams of slaughtering all the Native Americans in the area and then peacefully higher educating the local populace.


I don't know what they're doing, why they are so fake happy about it, or why the lady with a camera strap is photoshopped into the background participating in their fake fun. [via The Peedmont]

Sometime later, W&M made the mistake of educating Thomas Jefferson, lending him a veneer of respectability, and ever since then have been cursed with terrible mascots. They've been known, officially or not, throughout their history as the "The Orange and White", "The Orange and Black", "The Northern Press", "WAMPO", "The Big Green Indians", "The Big Green Egg", "Iron Indians", "Colonel Ebirt", and "The Griffin". I barely made any of those up. They have since been making amends for their grievous error and are belatedly attempting to relate to the cool kids of today by naming themselves after A Tribe Called Quest.

Though they've adopted the green and yellow in their uniforms, using ATCQ for their warm ups has inspired more philosophical introspection than aggression on the football field.

4. Who leads these young men into battle?

A. A guy named Jimmye Laycock. He's been coaching at W&M longer than Frank Tha God coached in Blacksburg, and the unusual spelling of his name and his lengthy tenure are actually related.

It turns out that Mama and Papa Laycock were huge fans of the Coyote from the Roadrunner cartoons and named him Jimmy Ethelbert Laycock3 in honor of their hero. Furthermore, Jimmy was raised to believe that elaborate gimmicky traps in order to catch birds is the only reason life is lived. As he grew into a young man, he was embarrassed by his parents' obsession with Chuck Jones and their life's work, and went into football coaching to escape the dystopian future in the American Southwest they had dreamed for him. He even appended the 'E' to his first name so people wouldn't find out about the Ethelbert, deciding Jimmye was less embarrassing.

However, we can never truly leave our past behind us, not completely. So, Jimmye has a hidden desire of crushing all bird-related mascots he plays, which explains why their rivalry with the Delaware Blue Hens is so fierce. This will be his 9th and final attempt as a coach to knock off those rascally Hokies, and he will do so as is his wont, with vast amounts of Rube Goldberg-like trick plays with little hope of success that will more than likely backfire on him. Since their 2011 inception, Laycock's unrequited dream is to drop an anvil on the Alamodome to crush the UT-San Antonio Roadrunners, preferably while they are playing the Rice Owls.

5. Do they have players?

A. Yes. They have Joe Nameth, a poor spelling, panty-hose wearing linebacker. They have Griffin Gilder, which is his actual name, who only got in because Griffin was their mascot at the time. It was a very lucky break for him since he was in hiding after being framed for the attempted murder of Princess Buttercup. They recruited Simeon Brown out of Christiansburg High School RIGHT FROM UNDER TECH'S NOSES. THIS IS UNCONSCIONABLE. Finally, in honor of their humblebrag of being a "Public Ivy", they've been sure to fill out their roster with dudes named Lachlan, Gage, Tucker, Bryden and other various lacrosse names.

6. Should I go to the game?

A. Yes! The game is being played in the Mecca of college football, Blacksburg. As a matter of fact, this will be the next generation of Fullers' (The Sixth Fuller and The Seventh Fuller) first in person game, which I'm sure will result in me getting to watch approximately 5 minutes of actual play which will be filled by similar stimulating conversation to watching the FSU game with my son:

The Seventh Fuller: Who's number 8?4
The Fifth Fuller: I don't know.
TSF: Who's number 16?
TFF: I don't know.
TSF: WHO IS THAT GUY?
TFF: That's Josh Jackson's dad.
TSF: Who is Josh Jackson?
TFF: He's the quarterback.
TSF: What number is he?
TFF: 17.
TSF: What's his dad's name?
TFF: I don't know.
TSF: They just showed it on the screen, his name's Fred.
TFF: Then why did you ask me?
TSF: Is Fred sitting in the VIP section?
TFF: He's probably sitting in the players' family section.
TSF: Is that the VIP section?
TFF: (Contemplates explaining that the VIP section is probably the boxes where the truly wealthy are sitting in climate controlled comfort getting waited on hand and foot, thinks about the list of questions that'd provoke...) ...Yes.
TSF: Who's number 17?

When not playing 20 thousand questions, I'll be taking at least two trips to concessions, two trips to the bathroom as a direct result, and at least a quarter spent in the gift shop before leaving sometime in the third quarter.

7. What if I'm ACTUALLY in Williamsburg this weekend?

A. Then you should eat! You may want to think about skipping China Max at the Williamsburg Premium Outlets, though. Let's hear from Jon:

I didn't know nail polish remover was used in cooking these days. . .Finally onto the "delectable" Bourbon chicken. You can get it two ways; boring, or more boring

I'm pretty sure nail polish remover is poisonous and should not be consumed. Also, if this is a Chinese restaurant, why are they serving Bourbon chicken? Isn't that a Cajun thing? Are there Cajun Chinese fusion restaurants that I'm not aware of and are now popping up in outlet mall food courts nationwide? How IS the Bourbon Chicken, aside from boring? Todd?

Rice tasted burnt and they scooped around the chicken to give me more of the fillers. Bad for even mall food court Chinese food standards.

That's...wow. That's like a bathroom review pointing out a ditch was terrible by latrine standards. That's gotta be a TERRIBLE ditch.

8. Do they barbecue in Williamsburg?

A. They do! I may have pimped them before, but go to Pierce's and get the Pork Shanks. I don't even want to make jokes about their reviews, GO EAT THE PORK SHANKS.

9. Anything else to cover?

A. Folks, this is a Division I-AA school coming off a 2-9 season, so I hope you understand I don't want to open up the entire "Foe"Rensics playbook this week. We need to keep some things under wraps preparing for a top quality opponent. So I will leave you with some things to watch this weekend:

  • Quincy Patterson AND Hendon Hooker both making their collegiate debuts, setting the stage for Twitter and message board meltdowns as soon as Josh Jackson throws a meaningless pick in a few weeks.
  • I would love to see McClease break 100 in the first quarter, then placed in bubble wrap so we can see Holston and Wheatley go off the rest of the game.
  • Seeing if I can slip a Nyquil Mickey Finn to my kid so he sleeps so I can watch.
  • Don't let Ricky Walker on the field at all. Seriously. Florida State already tried to de-knee him, can they not let him get hurt before Notre Dame?
  • If you see a guy in line to get popcorn with the kid wearing a full Hokie uniform alternating between complaining about not being allowed to wear his helmet and asking loud, rude questions about people in line near them, offer him some bourbon. I will need it.

1Go ahead, ask me how many cats I have. FOUR. Because they are better than letting my wife get the chickens she really wants and then I have to clean up chicken poo every day.

2So named because he was her eighth husband, and every one was a Henry, HENRY, she wouldn't have a Willie or a Sam, NO SAM

3Ethelbert is Wile E. Coyote's middle name. THIS IS CANON.

4I was asked about the name of every single player who made it onto the screen with a visible jersey number. And I don't know who anyone is yet.

Comments

I read this and my brain starts putting scenes together based on what you write. Wait for these every new team Tech plays.

Wet stuff on the red stuff.

Join us in the Key Players Club

My only conclusion is that Bud Foster is an enormous Atlanta Braves fan, just found out that FSU had appropriated their thoroughly original and not mildly-uncomfortably-racist chant and unleashed holy hell on Deondre Quebecois and Cam Akers, who managed to go nowhere or backwards more than they managed to do anything right.

This is poetry that would make Robert Frost blush

Unfortunately I'm fairly certain FSU had the chop first. It followed Deon Sanders there...

"Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!"

Mmmmmmm...Pierces

Thats what I said too.

Comment-Avatar symmetry level 1000!

"Sooner or later, if man is ever to be worthy of his destiny, we must fill our heart with tolerance."
-Stan Lee

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."
-Ron Swanson

"11-0, bro"
-Hunter Carpenter (probably)

Replace the cats with wiener dogs and your game watching experience sounds very similar too the ones in my house. Excellent as always!

I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction:
“I served in the United States Navy"

KCCO

8. Do they barbecue in Williamsburg?

A. They do! I may have pimped them before, but go to Pierce's and get the Pork Shanks. I don't even want to make jokes about their reviews, GO EAT THE PORK SHANKS.

There is also Old City BBQ on the other side of town from Pierce's that just opened in the last year or so, and I would say that it could rival Pierce's for best BBQ in Williamsburg. I haven't had a bad meal there yet. Different atmosphere for sure, but you won't have to deal with all the tourists flocking to Pierce's.

LAR '12 MVBones Go Hokies! USA!

At least Jimmye doesn't make excuses.

I don't know what a Hokie is but God is one of them (excluding JMU/ODU)- Lee Corso

There is no place else on the internet where you can read shit like this.

All right. While we're still under a caution, I want you to go back out on that track and hit the pace car.

Hit the pace car?

Hit the pace car!

What for?

Because you've hit every other goddamned thing out there, I want you to be perfect!

Not 100% sure if this is a complaint or a compliment, but I can vouch that these articles are shit.

William and Mary was named for that infamous extramarital tryst between William Wallace and Queen "Bloody" Mary. As any student of English history knows, Wallace broke into Camelot, stole the sword from Lancelot, used it to break the chastity belt off of Mary, and wooed her away from her evil husband, Henry VIII2 and fled across Stirling Bridge to southeast Virginia. Henry launched 1,000 ships in pursuit, but they were sunk by the Spanish Armada, led by Captain Morgan and Achilles, and William and Mary were able to pursue their dreams of slaughtering all the Native Americans in the area and then peacefully higher educating the local populace.

Mother fuck. That bastard of a tour guide in the Colonial Williamsburg gift shop needs to get his shit together. Not a damn thing he told us turns out to be factual.

Tyrod did it Mikey, Tyrod did it!!

That wikipedia page is almost as funny as "Foe"Rensics.

I can't believe I've never used the internet to find out Wile E.'s middle name. That's crucial.

Leonard. Duh.

If I walked into a house with four cats, I would have a stroke....although I couldn't have chickens either because my two pointers would eat them.

You are a brave brave man.

When I was married, we lived in a 1500 square foot Cape Cod with FOUR dogs (3 of them Lab sized and all of whom wanted to sleep IN our bed with us!) , SIX (mainly indoor) cats, a bearded dragon, gerbils and a rabbit in the back yard. Oh that was also with me, my ex and three kids!

(side note-my ex remarried and now lives in the country and has dogs, cats, chickens, guineas,pigs and fainting goats.

From the 2018 VT-uva game-"This is when LEGENDS are made!"

Or you could just go to a petting zoo and not have to clean up after them, or pay for their medical bills.

If you're there, try to sneak into Food For Thought. You won't be sorry.

Hokie fan | W&M grad

Just have to find parking! Worth whatever wait you might have.

LAR '12 MVBones Go Hokies! USA!

Eh, disagree. We've always found it overrated. Local favorites:

Breakfast- Shorty's Diner (cheap) or Honeybutter's Kitchen (pricey)
Seafood- Fat Tuna
Mexican- La Terraza
Pizza/Subs- NY Deli
BBQ- Two Drummers (Toano)
Beer/All-Around Great- Oceans and Ale

Had a week-long conference in Williamsburg last year and I went to a few places. I liked Food For Thought. I really loved Shorty's Diner. Also liked Berret's Seafood.

We just moved away this summer - arriving in San Antonio in early July (do NOT recommend, BTW) - but we lived less than a mile from Shorty's. My favorite place in W'burg. Also loved Rick's Cheese Steak Shop.

Two Drummers is awesome, I try to make the drive from VB for dinner a few times a year, and/or whenever I'm passing through.

I'm here for the memes, I just stay for the football.

If you like Indian, Nawab is pretty great.

I do think the food at Food For Thought is a bit overpriced (it is Williamsburg to be fair...), but whatever I got was good, and my parents would pay for us, so that probably helps. Cannot disagree with any of these places. We live about 1 mile from Shorty's and its easily the best breakfast place. We have plenty of chain restaurants, but there are plenty of gems to avoid "touristy" crowds. I'd personally add Italian - Sal's on Richmond Rd. and Donuts - Emily's.

LAR '12 MVBones Go Hokies! USA!

If you're looking for a nice place to hang out and drink delicious craft beer, Virginia Beer Company on 2nd st. Is the place to go.

"Exit light, Enter night, Enter the Hokies!"
VT MSE '17

By far the best social space at a craft brewery. Alewerks is definitely the best craft beer in town in my opinion. Just not as much space, but they do have 2 tap rooms throughout town. Can't go wrong with Virginia Beer Company though. I've heard good things about Billsburg Brewery as well.

LAR '12 MVBones Go Hokies! USA!

William and Mary was named for that infamous extramarital tryst between William Wallace and Queen "Bloody" Mary. As any student of English history knows, Wallace broke into Camelot, stole the sword from Lancelot, used it to break the chastity belt off of Mary, and wooed her away from her evil husband, Henry VIII2 and fled across Stirling Bridge to southeast Virginia. Henry launched 1,000 ships in pursuit, but they were sunk by the Spanish Armada, led by Captain Morgan and Achilles, and William and Mary were able to pursue their dreams of slaughtering all the Native Americans in the area and then peacefully higher educating the local populace. Sometime later, W&M made the mistake of educating Thomas Jefferson, lending him a veneer of respectability, and ever since then have been cursed with terrible mascots. They've been known, officially or not, throughout their history as the "The Orange and White", "The Orange and Black", "The Northern Press", "WAMPO", "The Big Green Indians", "The Big Green Egg", "Iron Indians", "Colonel Ebirt", and "The Griffin". I barely made any of those up. They have since been making amends for their grievous error and are belatedly attempting to relate to the cool kids of today by naming themselves after A Tribe Called Quest.

I've updated the W&M wiki page to include your thorough and ultimately correct history lesson. Kudos.

This is going to be an unpopular opinion (please dont flog me!!!), but the last time I went to Pierces I was extremely disappointed. It seemed like the menu had been seriously scaled back (I could only remember 2 options where there used to be like 4 or 5 proteins). The selection of sauces was also seriously scaled back as well. I remember going to Pierce's and it being a wonderland of BBQ options and sauces, but the last time I went it was like new management had bastardized what I used to know and love.

That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Same helmet at the one used for the 2016 Belk Bowl?

Good catch.

mrburnsExcellent.gif

Who is this Fifth Fuller? You are both a scholar and hilarious. Thank you kind sir!!

JP

I have a cat, and he and I are besties. But I don't think I could do four of them.

21st century QBs Undefeated vs UVA:
MV7, MV5, LT3, Jerod Evans, Michael Brewer, Tyrod Taylor, Sean Glennon, and Grant Noel. That's right, UVA. You couldn't beat Grant Noel.

Nijman with the nimble feet in the Kumah TD run...guess those tire drills really do come in handy!

"Take care of the little things and the big things will come."

You misspelled Fat Jesus Hoyt. He almost beat Kumah to the celebration.

Tyrod did it Mikey, Tyrod did it!!

You misspelled Fat MegaJesus Hoyt. He almost beat Kumah to the celebration.

FTFY

Warning: this post occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)..

This week, the Hokies face the team that regularly rivals James Madison for the second best team in the state although, to be fair, Old Dominion has been making a push into this conversation recently.

Continual passive aggressive stabs at UVA make me so very happy.

"What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?"

UVa beat Richmond this year, so they're back up to 4th or 5th, depending on where you rank Liberty.

"Our job as coaches is to influence young people's lives for the better in terms of fundamental skills, work ethic, and doing the right thing. Every now and again, a player actually has that effect on the coaching staff." Justin Fuente on Sam Rogers

Careful, the Fighting Fallwells claim they are a national brand. Learned my lesson last week.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Are there Cajun Chinese fusion restaurants that I'm not aware of and are now popping up in outlet mall food courts nationwide?

There's a Cajun/Korean fusion restaurant in Sterling, VA called Mokomandy, and it's awesome.

the team that regularly rivals James Madison for the second best team in the state although, to be fair, Old Dominion has been making a push into this conversation recently

I know everything ELSE in this post is factually correct, but point of order, Mr Speaker:

You're talking about the SAME Old Dominion that just got HOUSED by 42 points by Liberty?? You sure about that whole push thing?

We here at Fuller, Inc have a complicated set of metrics and indices that rate various things from offensive and defensive efficiency, expected points, time of possession, the current and historical performance of a particular program over the preceding seasons to the relative litness of a program's uniforms as well as where I'd rather be trapped for the four (or more!) years of my college experience. It's really an intricate evaluation that I could not hope to explain to laypersons such as yourselves without copious amounts of data, graphs and bourbon, so I won't bother. IT IS BENEATH ME. Just trust me that it goes beyond the performance in a single game.

Or the possibility certainly exists that I wrote this before hearing the score of that game and was too lazy to double check this part.

I might be lying to myself, but I'm running with Option #1.

To be fair, its pretty much

1 - Virginia Tech

2 - Who gives a shit
3 - Seriously, who cares
4 - I guess a FCS team, seriously, who cares about that
5 - A Natty Title in FCS is like a baseball team winning the AAA title. I mean its nice, but who cares

10 - Buuuuuuuunch of high school teams

3000 - LOLUVa

"Some days you’re a horse and some days you’re a horse’s ass. I’ve been a horse’s ass for a little while." - Roy Halladay

You forgot:

2999 - Being hit by a car

14 You
13 Can't
12 Rank
11 All
10 Of
9 Them
8 Because
7 Not
6 Enough
5 Teams
4 Play
3 Each
2 Other
1 Virginia Tech

I'm so confused. How do we know which of the questions labelled TSF: were asked by The Sixth Fuller and which were asked by The Seventh Fuller? I feel like my entire existence hinges on the answer.

If you're not sure if my comment warrants a "/s", it probably does.

To clarify, all questions were asked by The Seventh Fuller. The Sixth Fuller was busy looking for the cats hiding under beds so she could tell them about McKitty.

My favorite article every time, thanks FifthFuller!

1-0 every week

Since I took British history at Tech, that first paragraph about W&M about made my head explode. Sometimes the factual accuracy part of my brain ignores the enjoying satire part.

'07 Mechanical Engineering

"Touchdown, Tech! I have never enjoyed saying that more"
-Bill Roth

What satire?

Great, now I have an uncontrollable twitch.

'07 Mechanical Engineering

"Touchdown, Tech! I have never enjoyed saying that more"
-Bill Roth

If only Bill and Mary had taken on like Jack and Diane. You know, 2 American kids growing up in the heartland. Jackie he's griwing into a football star. Dianes a debutante in the backseat of Jackie's car.

No. Jack and Diane are the worst. For the sole reason that they are "Suckin on Chili Dogs." Not sucking down chili dogs. That would be okay albeit it a lil strange for a debutante. They are literally sucking on chili covered hot dogs like they are popsicles. I cannot back any couple that participates in such atrocious behavior. Fuck Jack and Diane.

Here lies It's a Stroman Jersey I Swear, surpassed in life by no one because he intercepted it.

How did this not mention a player named Bill Murray? That is a serious miss.

I came back here to post the same thing. We are lucky to have pulled off a win with talent like Bill Murray on the other side of the ball. We should have been warned. Really blew that one Fifth.

Come to Blacksburg and see what the Hokie Pokie is really all about