Ask TheFifthFuller: Championship Week* Edition

Inane mailbag question and answers, PLUS a ranking of all 15 games in the streak according to the TKP LOLUVA™ metric.

[Mark Umansky]

Hello. WELCOME TO CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK. As they say in the NBA Playoffs, win or go home. While most of the teams playing this weekend aren't playing for their lives, apparently Fuente and crew need the pressure to be playing for THEIR JOBS in order to, I dunno, show up after halftime. The reward is a date with the alma mater of Eddie Royal's brother.

1. From SharkbaitHokie: How miserable are loluva fans right now?

A. Hehehehe, my neighbor won't even talk about it. I've brought it up four separate times and she immediately changes the subject and pretends not to hear me. When I finally got it to the point where she couldn't avoid it, she was very clear about how she felt. "STOP. IT'S BASKETBALL SEASON. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVE A F#&KING FOOTBALL TEAM."

2. senjohnblutarsky asking something a little too on point with his handle: Is there anyone who actually enjoys straight vodka? Or is it just alcohol to be mixed into things?

A. No. Although, frankly, I don't believe anyone who says they enjoy drinking unmixed liquor. We went to the Final Four in Atlanta for my bachelor party and we went out after the semifinals and we all ordered One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer to honor the Delaware Destroyer. The bartender asked us how we wanted the bourbon and the scotch. The bourbon and beer we did as a boilermaker and, being idiot children, got the scotch on the rocks. My friend almost punched me in the face for making him waste money on the scotch and being forced to drink it because he was a cheap bastard. Yeah, I'm sure it wasn't good scotch. No, I am not sure good scotch exists.

3. Yetti asks: How much sawdust can you put into rice krispie treats before people start to notice?

A. I liked the Reddit answer to this that said rice comes from plants, plants are basically trees and sawdust is tiny parts of trees, which is what rice is, so voila, 100%. However, I happen to know the truth. Per my vegan inlaws, in order to make Rice Krispie Treats vegan, they replace the rice krispies with reconstituted saw dust. Just mix in a little milk and eggs and boom. Vegan Rice Krispie Treats.

4. Hokie Hounds asks: Can every team that wins their game during Championship Week claim a championship?

A. I think this is a very good rule. Quick, someone come up with the Southern Appalachian Coalfield Championship Trophy or, better yet, BELT. Then make sure the winner gets an automatic invite to the playoffs. I don't want Marshall to get left out.

5. VT_Fencer asking etymological questions: If a group of crows is a murder, and a group of geese is a gaggle, then what is a group of Hokies called?

A. This is so much fun. Did you know a group of giraffes is called a Tower? And a group of owls is called a Parliament? Perhaps more germaine to the question, a group of wild turkeys is called a Rafter. It's pretty cool that they came up with terms that suit the particular animal. So I was wondering, what WOULD they call a group of Hokies? I was wondering if they'd go for something like a Lunchpail, or worse, something along the lines of "What's a Hokie? I AM!" Then I realized, it's right in front of me. A Fuller. A Fuller of Hokies.

6. Jander75: Over/under 69 loluva souls crushed on Friday? I would normally say they over but they are much more of an olympic sport school than a football school...

A. WAAAAAAAAAAAAY under. They have like seven fans and as soon as Perkins dropped that ball, they went 100% focused on Kyle Guy's man bun.

7. HomebrewHokie08 wants to do some menu planning: If Urban Meyer eats sad pizza, what does Bronco Mendenhall choke down after big game losses?

A. I mean, the easy answer here is sour grapes, right? WINE, GET IT? But, nah, that's too easy. So I went poking around on the internet about Bronco and found this beauty on his Wikipedia page

Thank you, anonymous Hokie, for making the internet a better place. And Bronco probably gnaws on store brand beef jerky that he bought at a discount off of the expired food shelf in the back.

8. Dragone asks: If something "goes without saying", why do people still say it?

A. This is just like people who sprinkle "Obviously" into a sentence unnecessarily. There's two paths here; one is that it truly is obvious and you don't need to say it because we already know, which makes you a tool who likes the sound of his or her own voice. The second is that you are just being a condescending prick implying that it SHOULD be obvious but it appears you must explain it to the lackwits around you. It is not uncommon for these "Obvious" talkers to be LOLUVA grads, it should go without saying.

9. 4VPISU actually remembered there's a game this weekend and wants to talk about it: Is Willie Johnson a legitimate deep threat for Marshall? And while we're on the subject of roster: is there another D-1 school that has more players with 'difficult' to pronounce last names?

A. Who? OH, football game! Sorry, it's basketball season and Virginia Tech is a basketball school. Sometimes I forget the Hokies have other teams that Justin Robinson doesn't ball out on. Anyways, I wouldn't expect Willie to go too deep. He's much more likely to go underneath, try to slip between defenders in a zone and once he tucks it away, really try to pound it home. The issue I'm hearing from scouting this team is that Willie is just too soft, and he frequently is explosive early and then can't get up for those jump balls the rest of the game.

I didn't see that Marshall's roster of last names was TOO difficult, but I LOVE the fact that they had pronunciation guides for every name, and it was the players themselves giving their Monday Night Football introductions from what sounded like a crowded elementary school cafeteria. My biggest fear is Ty Terrell, who is joined by Kereon Merrell, and then Garet Morrell, Alex Mollette and finally Jestin Morrow. They also brought Danny Darko back to life to flesh out the wide receiver rotation. Some other highlights include Obi Obialo and dudes named Wale, Dallas, Paris and Stone.

10. QMaroonQ is trying to STRESS ME OUT: How do we counterbalance the fact that Marshall has a Fuller coaching their safeties? How do we counterbalance the fact that Marshall has Cornell Brown coaching their defensive ends?

A. DON'T YOU PUT SAD SPIDER-MAN ON ME! THAT'S NOT FAIR! And I looked him up; he's some sad sack from Massachusetts. That is NOT the purebred Fuller line! Fullers only go north of the Mason Dixon to punk some fools on the football field, or coach them, as Corey is currently doing in Michigan. Cornell's presence does concern me, however, I am fairly confident he's going to go over before the game and have a good talk with Foster and Wiles and remember to accidentally signal in the wrong plays to his linemen on any key play.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK: Can you rank the past 15 VT/LOLUVA games in order of how much LOLUVA LOLUVA'd, with 15 being very little LOLUVAing and 1 being the most LOLUVAd LOLUVA has been?

A. Big Perm asks a good question; yes, LOLUVA LOLUVAs every year, but what year did they LOLUVA the MOST? What was the PEAK of the STREAK? Let's go to the videotape! In order from least LOLUVA to most, I present, 15 years of futility, encapsulated.

15. 2010 - The beginning of the Mike London era was never in doubt, but at 37-0 late in the fourth quarter, LOLUVA actually blocked an extra point and scored a couple of minutes later, marring the ideal scoreline. An unforgivable sin. But don't worry, this is a REBIRTH year, the program will rise from these ashes!

14. 2006 - This was an embarrassing 17-0 sleepwalk where the Hoos gained a total of 112 yards. TOTAL. The Hokies defense was great, and the offense was led by...Sean Glennon and Kenny Lewis. And y'all lost to that.

13. 2009 - LOLUVA was terrible this year and Tech treated them as such, a 42-13 shellacking. Ryan Williams had FOUR touchdown runs and then David Wilson went in during garbage time and he scored ANOTHER one. I cannot imagine receiving over three quarters of pain and then the opponent puts the backups in and it's David Wilson. Sadly, this marked the end of the Al Groh era.

12. 2007 - A back and forth affair that LOLUVA actually led at one point in the second quarter and punctuated by trying to pick a fight with Sean Glennon because of victory formation hijinks. Heralded the arrival of one Tyrod Taylor to the rivalry.

11. 2005 - 52-14 over a mediocre LOLUVA team. Hokies were up 24-0 at halftime, the Hoos scored on the opening second half drive before giving up 28 third quarter points to meekly bow out. This one gets ranked higher because it officially marked the field as Lane Stadium North:

10. 2012 - A 17-14 squeaker. David Wilson was gone and it was officially the Logan Thomas era. A mediocre Tech team is saved by an even worse Hoo squad (this was, sadly, a recurring theme). This one gets downgraded because Ron Cherry refereed.

9. 2013 - Another year of Hokie regression mirrored by LOLUVA stringing together 2 wins and no conference victories. A battle of field goals punctuated by an Edmunds brother touchdown that is best forgotten. You really have to wonder how LOLUVA managed to win none of these games when Tech was relatively not-good.

8. 2017 - Nothing was really riding on this one and LOLUVA put forth that much effort. This one gets a little bump because it was a shutout and allowed the commentators to remark during THIS year's game that the Hoos hadn't scored on the Hokies in two years over three halves before they finally broke their duck.

7. 2016 - The problem with this game is Tech was at 38-0 three-and-a-half minutes into the third quarter. Inevitably, UVA got a field goal back, Fuente got pissed and dropped two more touchdowns on them for good measure. This was a new Hokie coach reminding a new Hoo coach of his rightful place in the state. Gets rated higher because the Hoos, despite only winning 2 games, were convinced that Bronco was going to change EVERYTHING. Lol.

6. 2008 - Probably one of LOLUVA's best chances to win over the streak, this was Tyrod's first real year and Hokies defense wasn't great. Their halftime lead evaporated when they made the unusual halftime adjustment of forgetting how to play offense.

5. 2004 - A 24-10 win between two ranked teams, it was tied with under ten minutes to play until Josh Hyman hauled in a 32-yard touchdown and Cedric Humes put it out of reach a few minutes later. This really started the downward spiral and would mark the last year that LOLUVA would end the season ranked. After this, they mostly just started wishing they could end the season before Thanksgiving.

4. 2014 - This one was a nailbiter. LOLUVA led late in the fourth quarter until Bucky Hodges grew six inches and the Hokies retook the lead with under two minutes to go. Not only would a win here have sent the Hoos to a bowl, it would have broken the Hokies bowl streak. And yet, LOLUVA somehow managed to take a bouquet of roses and turn it into manure and then eat it.

3. 2011 - Turns out Beamer was just saving that perfect scoreline so it could be hung on London in Lane Stadium North. This one gets rated higher because, at 8-4 and ranked No. 24, London had "turned a corner" and this was THEIR YEAR and then...

2. 2015 - The Time Cop game. Once again, LOLUVA had the chance to end the Hokies' bowl streak in a back-and-forth game that came down to a tie game and a 41-yard Joey Slye field goal attempt with 1:38 left. And then...

Time out.

Smart, Coach London, freeze the kicker. I mean, that time out would come in handy on the ensuing drive to potentially tie or win, but you do you. Slye comes back out to try the field goal aaaaaaaannd...

Time out.

Oh ho HO, Coach London going for the ULTIMATE brain f#&k. Joey's gonna be all discombobulated now. Look at him, he looks all rattled coming out for the field goal try and...

Time out.

What the hell? Mike London just blew ALL THREE timeouts trying to freeze the kicker? For reals? UVA's getting the ball back after this, and will potentially be down three with not a lot of time left. Wait, there's Joey, I hope he's not throwing up through his face mask he's so nervous after all that time thinking about this and worrying about what happens if he misses and...oh, it's good. LOLUVA gets the ball, sack, completion, CHUCK CLARK PICK AND THAT'S IT. This would truly have taken the cake if not for...

1. 2018. LOLUVA should have salted this game away seven different times and repeatedly kicked themselves in the nuts. This was the most "This Game Is On Drugs" game I have ever been emotionally invested in. Only the Hoos could possibly lose a game in this dumb of a fashion. 98.6% win probability! AND THEY BOTCHED IT.

Comments

Warning: this post occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)..

A Fuller of Hokies.

Pain is Temporary, Chicks Dig Scars
Glory is Forever, Let's Go Hokies!!

A group of cats is called a Clowder...or a Glaring.

We put the K in Kwality

A group of bunnies is called a fluffle

A group of crocs is called a bask

A group of turds is called a pile

A group of turds is called a pile wahoo

FTFY

"How the ass pocket will be used, I do not know. Alls I know is, the ass pocket will be used."
- The BoD

I think this just won the internet.

This better go plaid

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies

No, I am not sure good scotch exists.

You've been drinking the wrong scotch... lift your eyes above the bottom two shelves at the ABC store and you will find something tasty and glorious.

Bourbon and Scotch should be drunk neat. If you don't like it neat, you have no business drinking it -- just pass yours to me.

Vodka, as you say, should not be drunk at all. I don't care for jello shots, but I recognize them as the only good use for Vodka.

"Our job as coaches is to influence young people's lives for the better in terms of fundamental skills, work ethic, and doing the right thing. Every now and again, a player actually has that effect on the coaching staff." Justin Fuente on Sam Rogers

I think all liquor should be drank (drunk, drankded?) neat. I've never understood why people freeze it or water it down with ice. It's like putting ketchup on a perfectly cooked filet mignon.

"What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?"

Warm liquor give me instant heart burn so that's my excuse.

Then you are included in the group that should pass theirs to me.

"Our job as coaches is to influence young people's lives for the better in terms of fundamental skills, work ethic, and doing the right thing. Every now and again, a player actually has that effect on the coaching staff." Justin Fuente on Sam Rogers

Fair enough. My older brother has heart burn and has said the same thing.

"What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?"

should be drank (drunk, drankded?)

Ford Prefect: "You'd better brace yourself for the jump to hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk.
Arthur Dent: What's so unpleasant about being drunk?
Ford Prefect: "Ask a glass of water."

"Our job as coaches is to influence young people's lives for the better in terms of fundamental skills, work ethic, and doing the right thing. Every now and again, a player actually has that effect on the coaching staff." Justin Fuente on Sam Rogers

I will not downvote opinions, but adding a bit of water to single malt scotch and good bourbon releases the flavor (even in the form of a cube or 2 of ice). This is doubly true for cask strength whiskeys.

I will drink neat whiskey in a pinch (or if its old enough to vote) but I find it more flavorful with a bit of water.

Also, if I am paying $10-20 per glass or $50+ for a fifth, I'll drink it any way I damn well please

You do what tastes best to you. That's the most important takeaway.

"What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?"

Vodka, as you say, should not be drunk at all

Gotta throw a flag and assess a 15 yd unsportsmanlike penalty on this cold take. Vodka martini's are quite good, but only with good vodka, which like scotch and bourbon will not be found on the bottom two shelves at the ABC/liquor store.

True story -- I had about 1/2 of a smallish (100 ml?) bottle of vodka on the liquor shelf for years and years. I never touched it, my wife never touched it, my kids never touched it. (Or if they did, they refilled it with water, and I never knew.) It finally got used in a recipe last year, and not knowing vodka, I thought I would just replace it with the same brand. So I went to the ABC store and looked, and looked, and finally found it. It cost like $2.50 for that small bottle. Then I realized why no one ever drank it, and perhaps why I am prejudiced against vodka.

"Our job as coaches is to influence young people's lives for the better in terms of fundamental skills, work ethic, and doing the right thing. Every now and again, a player actually has that effect on the coaching staff." Justin Fuente on Sam Rogers

Just mix in a little milk and eggs and boom. Vegan Rice Krispie Treats.

TheFifthFuller with all the championship week upvotes!

Let's Go

HOKIES

Fifth, thank you for the journey back in time to the Tech shellackings over lolUVA while I was in college. The game my freshman year was special (2008) because we weren't sure if we were going to go to the ACCCG. I still remember Dave telling all the MVs "IF you're happy after the game..."

I honestly had no memory of the 2009 or 10 games. Most likely because they were such snoozers and I opted to watch them from the 757 with my family following Thanksgiving.

2011 was awesome because 38-0 bro. They were so amped for that game and we just put them in their place. Plus, all us MVs did our best to piss off everyone we could walking in and out of the stadium.

...god I miss college

That team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

2005 was my freshman year at Tech. 2004 was the year I received an orange UVA hat from a relative for Christmas because they misheard my parents talking about Virginia Tech. I didn't know what to do with it, so I decided to modify the hat before starting college so I could wear it. I got many compliments and it quickly became my favorite hat and I still have it but only wear it when we play UVA every year. I like to think someone on campus saw me wearing it and this sparked their idea to make history on the field.

You can't describe a hat like this and not upload a picture.

I think the appropriate Caddyshack quote is from Al Czervik:

Hey I'm #1! So many emotions. So many people I want to thank for this moment. First, I would like to thank my wife for believing in me all these years. Second, I would like to thank the Hokies for coming through in the clutch and teaching them every year that it can always get worse. Third, I want to thank HokieFireman for being an absolute scrub at fortnite; his ineptitude gave me the confidence to keep kicking ass and striving for greatness. And lastly, I want to thank TheFifthFuller. He recognized that greatness and put it in its rightful spot.

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies

his ineptitude gave me the confidence to keep kicking ass and striving for greatness.

Translated this means die before he does and watch his screen as he gets us top 10.

Wet stuff on the red stuff.

Join us in the Key Players Club

Whatever helps you sleep at night dude

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies

5. VT_Fencer asking etymological questions: If a group of crows is a murder, and a group of geese is a gaggle, then what is a group of Hokies called?

A. This is so much fun. Did you know a group of giraffes is called a Tower? And a group of owls is called a Parliament? Perhaps more germaine to the question, a group of wild turkeys is called a Rafter. It's pretty cool that they came up with terms that suit the particular animal. So I was wondering, what WOULD they call a group of Hokies? I was wondering if they'd go for something like a Lunchpail, or worse, something along the lines of "What's a Hokie? I AM!" Then I realized, it's right in front of me. A Fuller. A Fuller of Hokies.

Clever. Very Clever. But I would say a group of Hokies is a Nation.

This is actually a cool shirt idea. Donit with all our rivals:

What do you call a group of wasps? A nest.
What do you call a group of eagles? A convocation.
What do you call a group of rams/Tar Heels? A flock.
...
What do you call a group of Cavaliers? A fail.
(Back)
What do you call a group of Hokies? A Nation.

We put the K in Kwality

I....I...

didn't know this was out there to root for.

Here you go

deleted

Not in the discussion but the 1990 shellacking of former #1 LolUVA is the all time greatest

Overheard as Duke assistant coaches took elevator down from press box: “Guys, they stopped the run with a three-man front.” - David Teel Tweet 2018

Yes, yes it is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avqPlJZnGrg

Link for anyone who cares to watch. I had to after reading this. Great game that includes young Frank, neck rolls, 90s fashion, terrible video quality, fans pouring onto the field with 3 minutes left, and of course the goalposts being torn down.

I thought 2012 was the time out game?

Although, you're probably running some cerebrally complex joke here that's way out of my league per usual.

Leonard. Duh.

"Tajh Boyd over the middle . . . and it's caught for an interception! Michael Cole, lying flat on his back, ARE YOU KIDDING???"

10. 2012 - A 17-14 squeaker. David Wilson was gone and it was officially the Logan Thomas era. A mediocre Tech team is saved by an even worse Hoo squad (this was, sadly, a recurring theme). This one gets downgraded because Ron Cherry refereed.

This is the game where Mike London cemented his status as TimeCop with the use of two timeouts to ice the kicker at the end of the game instead of trying to preserve some time and having a shot at the ball.

I'm honored to see my questions answered. I feel that you were the only one truly qualified to answer and, for that,

Left out the fact that Time Cop was actually born in the 2012 game when we were in field goal range with under a minute left and refused to call timeout to save his offense time to score after we hit the field goal.

Time expired as we hit the FG, UVA had timeouts to burn. LOLUVA, LOL Time Cop.

Also, whoever says bourbon should only be drunk neat has not had an Old Fashioned.

I just sit on my couch and b*tch. - HokieChemE2016

THIS is actually the main Time Cop game I remember, maybe because I was in the stands coming to the only possible conclusion that he must be the dumbest coach/observer of football alive.

I can remember seeing the clock wind down and realizing he wasn't going to use their timeouts. I turned to my friend and yelled "He's letting us win the game! Why is he letting us win the game?" I think in the post game presser CML said that he thought we would miss it, and was playing for OT. Classic UVA.

Hokies Respect!
... no one

Also, whoever says bourbon should only be drunk neat has not had an Old Fashioned.

I was going to reply with something sarcastic, when I realized you're correct: I have never had an Old Fashioned. I googled to make sure I knew what it was, and I found oldfashioned101, which is now my second-favorite website. Going to buy bitters on my way home tonight. It really is a beautiful world.

"Our job as coaches is to influence young people's lives for the better in terms of fundamental skills, work ethic, and doing the right thing. Every now and again, a player actually has that effect on the coaching staff." Justin Fuente on Sam Rogers

You are welcome, use a maraschino cherry and be sure to garnish the rim with an orange peel. The more orange scent the better!

I just sit on my couch and b*tch. - HokieChemE2016

Following that website's beautifully worded advice, I am not adding a cherry. I did take a minute to make simple syrup, though, and the orange twist (not to be confused with an orange slice) is indeed the perfect finish. I'm not sure what bitters really contributes, but I bought a bottle just for this, so no reason to skip it. As of now, I still prefer my bourbon neat, but the Old Fashioned is certainly a fine alternative.

"Our job as coaches is to influence young people's lives for the better in terms of fundamental skills, work ethic, and doing the right thing. Every now and again, a player actually has that effect on the coaching staff." Justin Fuente on Sam Rogers

Bitter's are crucial for that added pop of flavor, I always double the recipe, personally. And good call on leaving out the cherries, I'll respect that some people like them, but I'll save that for the college bars who got their recipe from the local Applebee's, with a good bourbon and a twisted citrus peel the cherry just gets in the way.

I had a smoked Old Fashioned in Chicago where they soaked their cherries in their house bourbon for a few weeks. It was incredible. Totally changed the taste because it cut a little bit of the sweetness as opposed to just throwing in a cherry from the jar.

"What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?"

Sooo...I've seen the "38-0 bro" tweet mentioned on here roughly 7,518 times and I think this is the first time I've ever actually seen the tweet. I know the guy he was tweeting at, prettyyyy damn well lol if anyone remembers my shane story from a long while ago, same guy. He really is a good dude, just super passionate on his hoos. But damn...I'm gonna put that one in back pocket lol

Amateur superstar and idiot extraordinaire.

A Fuller of Hokies.

Goes without saying

Is there anyone who actually enjoys straight vodka?

Yes. The Russians. I went there a few times for work a while back (probably when our diplomatic relations were at a peak), and it was apparently common to order a fifth of vodka for every two people at the dinner table and spend dinner pounding shots. I also learned that there is such a thing as "good vodka", or at least "not-terrible vodka".

Also, Raymond Reddington.

"What kind of person would throw away a perfectly good dog?"

It's been stated a couple times, but I think it's worth repeating as this is a crucial part of rivalry lore. The Legend of the TimeCop started with the 2012 game. 2015 will always be most significant for being Beamer's last win over the Hoos. Timeouts-wise it is but a footnote in the training manual from the time management clinic London put on in Lane Stadium three years earlier