Since VT sports is going into the dead time(or maybe it's just dead, unless we can get into the P2), I guess I'll concentrate on dad jokes for a while.
Sorry, lost the caption for this. It's supposed to say:
Man who feels terrible starts to workout so he can feel a different kind of terrible.
I had a pair of racing snails. I tried to make them faster by removing the shells to make them more aerodynamic, but it didn't work. It just made them more sluggish.
They give grants for the dumbest research these days. Did you know a university spent millions of dollars establishing a theorem that describes how much volume a head cabbage fills once you dice it?
They call it "Cole's Law"
"She can't sit up and she can't walk but what can she do? Guys if you don't look at your sheets I'm gonna point at Pete again.""She sleeps through the night""So she goes to sleep early""She sleeps through the night, Rocco. Do I care when she goes down? Pete?""You do not." https://t.co/k25WAEztoQpic.twitter.com/rhG3j4qYQ8— isi baehr-breen (isibb.bsky.social) (@isaiah_bb) April 16, 2024
Not a joke per se, but made my daughter react as though she felt physical pain:
My daughter's got food stuck stuck stuck stuck
It's stuck between her teeth teeth teeth teeth
She's gotta floss floss floss floss floss floss
Floss it out
Floss it out
Did you know that protons (edited thanks to hokie07ME sharp eyes; I'm attributing the error to autocorrect because I never mis-spell words ... choke, choke) have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Hey, what do you call it when Fozzy Bear moves at a regular pace by lifting and setting down each foot in turn, never having both feet off the ground at once?
A.lot of wives say their husbands never listen to them. I can honestly say I've never heard my wife say that to me.
(From a Mike and Joelle post. If you haven't seen their stuff it's very funny)
Two friends meet up. One of them tells the other: So, last week I was walking down the street, when I saw three guys beating on some random guy. I kept thinking, "do I stay out it?" "do I get in?" "do I stay out it?"
So? What did you do? Well, you know me. I got in
And what happened? Oh man, between the four of us, we beat the living shit out of the guy
Little Willie from the mirror licked the mercury all off
Thinking in his childish error it would cure the whooping cough.
Said the preacher as they laid the poor lad in the ground,
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie when the mercury went down."
I told my youngest granddaughter (6 years old) that joke earlier this year. She didn't understand it at first, but it was explained to her. Later I heard that went to school and told it told it to her classmates. One of her teachers overheard her and apparently really cracked up about it but felt that her mom (my daughter needed to know what she heard.
Comments
What did 50 cent say when his grandma got him a sweater for Christmas?
Gee, you knit?
I'd post the joke about time travel but you guys didn't like it.
That's because we already heard it.
My wife completely changed after she went vegetarian, but I guess maybe I never really knew a herbivore.
An oldie but a goodie:
Don't trust atoms; they make up everything!
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick to her. I accidently passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
It's the quietest she's ever been.
Savin' me a fortune on chocolate?
What really makes a dad joke a dad joke anyway?
When it becomes apparent.
How do you know when a dad joke is fully mature?
When its full groan.
I tell dad jokes and I'm not even a father
Guess I'm a faux pas
Dad, did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them ALL cut!
Here's one that my dad always used to say his dad would get him with.
My Dad: Where does this road go?
Grand Dad: It doesn't go anywhere.
One zebra said to another, "I heard a cheetah got into the herd last night."
The second zebra responded, "Don't worry, he was spotted."
From my 10-year-old this morning.
You are raising that one right.
I can't take my dog to the lake anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for having a pure bread dog.
At least you try to get him some exercise so he doesn't just loaf around all day.
It's just a bad situation no matter how you slice it
Dog needs to rise to the occasion.
it's the yeast he could do
Sometimes that's just the way the corgi crumbles.
The urge to sing the lion king song is just a whim away.
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Spell
Spell, who?
W-H-O
My dog used to chase people on a bike.
So, we took his bike away.
What do you call a surfing pony?
A sea horse.
What do you call a masturbating cow?
A beef strokin'-off
Not sure that qualifies as a dad joke. Kinda funny, nonetheless.
Dermatologist are always in a hurry, spending all day making rash decisions.
Did you hear about the feature on Scandinavian Airlines planes that let's them fly themselves?
They're calling it "Otto-Pilot"
The writers of Airplane called and would like their joke back.
statute of limitations... Anyway, someone from my generation would have stolen it from WALL-E, not Airplane.
did you hear about the church admin who accidentally ordained himself as a priest?
it was a clergical error
I sure miss my ex-wife.....
.....but my aim is improving every day!
What is a vampire's favorite kind of boat?
A blood vessel
My 8-year-old came up to me the other night and said, "Dad, I need a new butt. Mine has a crack in it."
I couldn't do anything but laugh.
....damn
hey man, some of us tell dad jokes even if that second frame doesn't apply
and just because I work dusk till dawn and have no fun and no sex and have a mortgage to pay doesn't mean I'm miserable.
FWIW no offense or assumption this joke is true for anyone else intended
"LAND SHIP!!!!"
Another dark one.
When does a dad joke stop being a dad joke?
When it doesn't come home with the milk.
Premium stripper deserves at least a $2.
Are you saying you know a stripper named "Premium"? /s/s
Why should you avoid taking young kids to the orchestra?
All the Sax and Violins....
I have a bad case of kleptomania but I'm working on it. Whenever it gets bad, I take something for it.
I broke a finger at work today, but on the other hand I'm fine.
Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.
I remembered when I was a kid and open the fridge to see some vegetables crying. I guess I have some emotional cabbage.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.... She gave me a hug :(
who is the penguin's favorite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Where do you take someone who has been injured during a peek-a-boo game?
.
.
.
The I.C.U.
What is the worst thing about an ancient history class?
.
.
.
The teachers tend to Babylon.
What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
.
.
.
Attire
I also hear that bicycles aren't able to stand up on their own because they are two tired.
But tricycles can stand on their own because they tri harder.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
She lost her filling.
Why are elephants large, gray and wrinkly?
If they were small, white and round they'd be aspirin.
From my 12 year old son when he was 6:
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
Since VT sports is going into the dead time(or maybe it's just dead, unless we can get into the P2), I guess I'll concentrate on dad jokes for a while.
Sorry, lost the caption for this. It's supposed to say:
Man who feels terrible starts to workout so he can feel a different kind of terrible.
Only 340 more days to Iditarod.
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You might say making sheets without these labels would be short sided
What do you call a dog in a car?
A carpet.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
.
.
.
He felt his presents.
Every morning when I go out, I get hit by a bicycle. Every single morning! It's just a vicious cycle.
Every time I see a contain of Lotrimin AF, I think it must be the most real Lotrimin ever.
Kenny be a dad joke? Yes, I think he ken.
Why did the sun drop out of college?
He already had a million degrees.
How do you prepare for a space party?
You planet.
Why is the sun angry today?
He doesn't like being mooned.
What is bread's favorite number?
.
.
.
Leaven
When you have a bladder infection, Urine trouble..
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it is at!
I had a pair of racing snails. I tried to make them faster by removing the shells to make them more aerodynamic, but it didn't work. It just made them more sluggish.
Women say: thousands of men will die this year just because of stubbornness.
Men say: No we won't!
It was just a flesh wound.
Happy National Dyslexic Truckers Day!
They give grants for the dumbest research these days. Did you know a university spent millions of dollars establishing a theorem that describes how much volume a head cabbage fills once you dice it?
They call it "Cole's Law"
I know a lot of jokes about retirees... but none of them work.
What's purple and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?
A four door grape
The bakery in town has good pickle bread that you should try. It's made with dill dough.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. Now, I'm in the ER waiting to be seen.
How do nonbinary ninjas kill their foes?
They slash them.
Less of a dad joke than it is a joke for dads
I watched a show on TV last night about origami; of course it was paper view.
A friend said to me, "What rhymes with orange?"
I said, "No, it doesn't."
Okay, I liked that one.
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
Have you heard about the newest style pillows? They are corduroy and they are making headlines.
What do you call a magician who has lost all his magic?
Ian
MMMMMMMuuuuussssstttttt nnnnoooootttttt ddddoooowwwwnnnn vvvvooootttteeeeee......................
Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Not quite a Dad Joke, but too good not to share. Enjoy!
In the 90's in VA Beach, I saw a Red Chrysler LeBaron.
License plate was "FokkerD3".
A surprisingly large number of my friends did not get this. I guess that means I am their token nerd friend.
I got it right away and I don't think anyone who knows me would ever come close to calling me a nerd...
I got it and I don't program if I can help it.
We all know where the Big Apple is, but who knows where the Minneapolis?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization .
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
Not a joke per se, but made my daughter react as though she felt physical pain:
My daughter's got food stuck stuck stuck stuck
It's stuck between her teeth teeth teeth teeth
She's gotta floss floss floss floss floss floss
Floss it out
Floss it out
Well...
I was shocked when I was diagnosed with color-blindness; it just came out of the purple!
This is my step ladder; I never knew my real ladder.
Two guys break in to rob an ABC store. One points at a bottle and asks "hey, is this whiskey?"
The other responds "yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbin' a bank."
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell , it's an oak tree.
I decided to sell my Hoover. Why you ask? Well it was just collecting dust.
Two parrots were sitting on a perch when one turns to the other and asks," Do you smell fish?"
Two snowmen were standing next to each other and one says "do you smell carrots?"
If I ever have twin girls, I'm going to name the first one Kate. The second one will be named Dupla-Kate.
If I was yer brother, she'd be my Denise.
Q: My son keeps eating electrical cords, what should I do?
A: Ground him until he conducts himself properly.
Did you hear about the shark that had his left fin cut off?
The vet wasn't sure he would make it, but now he's alright.
Why is the
Chris Bickell Head Football Coach Pat Narduzziocean salty?Because the beach doesn't wave back.
I was dating a girl who asked me what my heart desired. Apparently, blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers.
My sea sickness comes in waves.
Kinkiest thing I've read all day.
Did you know that protons (edited thanks to hokie07ME sharp eyes; I'm attributing the error to autocorrect because I never mis-spell words ... choke, choke) have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Protons?
Negatons for the balance.
Cow farts come from the dairy air
Not necessarily a dad joke, but something funny I did for the uva community in my office:
What does an angry pepper do?
,
,
,
Answer - It gets jalapeno face
Wish I could give more legs! 🤣
Who is a penguin's favorite re;ative?
.
.
.
Answer - Aunt Arctica
What happens when you annoy a kangaroo?
It gets hopping mad.
What happens when you hit a kangaroo?
It sues you in a kangaroo court.
My friends say I'm cheap, but I'm not buying it!
I noticed today I have a new female postal carrier. Seems a little strange for such a mail-dominated field.
Two silk worms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
Hey, what do you call it when Fozzy Bear moves at a regular pace by lifting and setting down each foot in turn, never having both feet off the ground at once?
Walk-a, walk-a, walk-a!
Insurance company's are warning campers that if your tent is stolen while you are on the trail that you won't be covered.
That reminds me of the old one about the circus fire. It was in tents.
I can't believe I got fired from the clock factory after putting in all those extra hours.
A.lot of wives say their husbands never listen to them. I can honestly say I've never heard my wife say that to me.
(From a Mike and Joelle post. If you haven't seen their stuff it's very funny)
Before I die I'm gonna eat an entire bag of unpopped popcorn. That ought to make the cremation really interesting.
For my funeral, i want a closed casket and for them to play the song: pop goes the weasel
the artwork here is underrated
That is despicable meat.
It took me a second and I didn't like it at first but it really Gru on me
Two friends meet up. One of them tells the other:
So, last week I was walking down the street, when I saw three guys beating on some random guy. I kept thinking, "do I stay out it?" "do I get in?" "do I stay out it?"
So? What did you do?
Well, you know me. I got in
And what happened?
Oh man, between the four of us, we beat the living shit out of the guy
Someone also stole the toilet seat at the police station.
Investigators have nothing to go on.
I saw an ad for coffins and thought "that's the last thing I need".
Good news about the man who fell into the machine at the upholstery factory.
He's fully recovered.
I'm skeptic, the team that reported that really couched the language.
If we could remove all the margarine, the world would be a butter place.
I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why.
I realized I have an irrational fear of elevators
I am taking steps to avoid it.
Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?
He had a reptile dysfunction
What do you call a prisoner going down the stairs?
Condescending
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey
What do you call a clever comeback you don't think of until it's too late?
An afterism
I'm not sure I get this one, if I'm honest
When you are in church wait and to use the sound of the music in church to cover the sound of your fart, that's called an organism.
What did Beethoven become after he died?
A decomposer
What's brown and sits on the piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.
I never wanted to think that my Dad was stealing from his job in road construction but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I went to an archeology party recently where they were only looking for a lower leg.
It was quite the shindig.
Why did the kid cross the playground?
.
.
.
Answer: to get to the other slide.
If I could name myself after an Egyptian god, I would be Set.
I have several people to tag with this. Thanks for the ammo.
Your welcome.
Where do crayons like to ski in the winter?
Color-ado
https://x.com/i/status/1860422869240471554
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way
We cannoli do so much
His legacy will become a pizza history
He just ran out of thyme.
Did you hear about the new phobia of kids not wanting to sit on Santa's lap? It's called Claustrophobia.
From my sainted mother circa 1955:
Little Willie from the mirror licked the mercury all off
Thinking in his childish error it would cure the whooping cough.
Said the preacher as they laid the poor lad in the ground,
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie when the mercury went down."
What is a sheep's favorite Christmas song?
Fleece Navidad!
Why do weiner dogs love winter?
They love dachshund thru the snow!
Where do gingerbread men sleep?
On cookie sheets
Did you know that Santa is actually from Gdansk?
Yeah, he's North Polish
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
.
.
.
Answer: A tuba toothpaste
https://twitter.com/i/status/1872181097720959358
I laughed out loud at the constipation movie one.
I told my youngest granddaughter (6 years old) that joke earlier this year. She didn't understand it at first, but it was explained to her. Later I heard that went to school and told it told it to her classmates. One of her teachers overheard her and apparently really cracked up about it but felt that her mom (my daughter needed to know what she heard.
Why are bear's shoes different from all the other animal's?
Because, even when they wear shoes, they still walk in bear feet.
I've got this disease where I can't stop making airport puns. My doctor says its terminal.
These are all so 2024....
I had girlfriend that wanted to break up with me when she found out I only had nine toes. I didn't know she was lack-toes intolerant.
https://twitter.com/i/status/1886234420337910090
What did one candle say to the other? Do you want to go out tonight?
Will these portabellas fit in the fridge? I don't know if there's mushroom left.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
How did they get the confession out of the hamburger patty? They grilled him.
Why does the Baker go to work? Because he kneads the dough.
Why is it a bad idea to insult an octopus? Because it is well-armed.
Archaeology really is a career in ruins.
I told a joke on Zoom and no one laughed..... It turns out I'm not even remotely funny.
Do you know why I got fired from the Calendar factory? Because I took a couple of days off.
What do you call a white bucket? Pail.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing. 🐿️
My Teacher said that if I spilled coffee, it would be grounds for suspension.
I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.
What type of medicine do ants use when they have eye problems? Ant-eye-biotics.
Can a Kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can't jump.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man.
There's a 2025 thread, locking this one up
https://www.thekeyplay.com/content/2025/january/14/dad-jokes-2025