"I was born a poor black child"...No not really -but I do love movie quotes!
Actually I was born on Okinawa as a USAF brat-6th of 7 kids(and mom had 5 miscarriages so it could have been a dozen or more). My dad said when folks asked him how they could bring so many kids into the world as it is today- his reply "well SOMEONE has to raise the average IQ of the planet.!" And largely they did. Moved a lot living on three continents by age 4 before settling in VA after my dad retired from Langley AFB in 1973. While in Newport News , my oldest brother suffered a broken neck in a diving accident at age 16 and became a quadriplegic. It was touch and go whether he would survive the summer- but he did and was transferred to the Woodrow Wilson rehab center in Fishersville. We moved to Richmond to be closer to there.
School came easy to me- never really had to work at it at all and was usually in classes with older kids. Thankfully my parents did NOT allow them to skip two grades as the school wanted. Never a large kid, I would have hated to be in college at age 16! Given my SAT scores and class rank, I'm pretty sure I could've gotten in to any school I wanted. I was not (and really still am not) sure what I want to do when I grow up. I applied to four schools:
Duke (my dad's alma mater),
William and Mary,
VT (I had two older sisters there already),
and the USAF Academy(got the appointment and passed the flight physical and fitness test). Ultimately 18 year old me wasn't ready to commit to nine years (4 of college, yr of flight school, and 4 yr service obligation) so
I passed on that-though I do often wonder on the "road not taken".
While at VT (1983-88), I started at the hardest major I could think of(figuring if I didn't like it , I could always "drop down", so I picked Engineering. Did fine but after two years decided it wasn't for me, so I transferred into Business-choosing the hardest focus again which was accounting. One quarter of that(which I aced) was enough to tell myself BORING had me changing majors again. This time it was "what degree can I get with the LEAST additional classes, which is why my BS is in management!
Still unsure of what I wanted to do in life, I stayed in restaurant work for awhile, got married, had kids (lost my job a month before my daughter was born, six months on temp work and unemployment before starting at the bank I currently still work for ---but at HALF the salary I had made in restaurant management. Eventually, after a very rough 5 years, I got better positions and made (and still make) a decent salary. But those lean years taught me (as did growing up in a family where we may have been fairly materially poor -though we kids didn't realize it-but rich in what counted) that money is not what life is all about. Divorced after thirteen years and been single since then.
Music-wise- I like classic rock ('50s-'80s) ,classical, Irish and Russian folk music (not fond of hip-hop/rap though admitting it can be decent to dance to).
Movies- I like romcoms (love all the John Cusack movies -"I want my two dollars!"),military related historical movies (love the Duke's war movies and westerns-heck all his movies), and late '70s/80s movies (Holy Grail, Blues Brothers, Stripes, Meatballs, Caddyshack. Airplane (the original not the sequel), and most of the comedies from that period (Real Genius, Princess Bride).
Sports-VT of course and college football in general (I'm not COMPLETELY jaded yet) and BPL soccer.
Yes I do indeed LIVE on Skippy Creamy peanut butter(only by itself, on Premium brand saltines, or onwhite bread/white toast) - breakfast, lunch, and dinner. No- I never get tired of it. For other foods it would be easier to list what I DO eat than what I don't but I won't list that unless y'all want to know.
Hobbies are playing pool in APA league and tournaments; going to the beach or Busch Gardens; and reading voraciously.
I'll finish with a bit of a twist - my name is (not legally yet but socially) "Cynthia" ....
but it's pronounced "Kevin"....NO not really pronounced that way lol but that was my birth name. I am one of those known as "trans" and have been on HRT for two years and socially transitioned (MaxandCheese from here has seen me in Lot 18- where a friend and I have a parking spot for football- season ticketholders for 10 years plus) and am still deciding exactly how much farther my journey will take me. I have written extensively on a support site I 've been on and been a mod/ambassador on for 9 years as of August 24th-and will gladly answer any questions about this that the mods allow(and if anyone wants to ask privately I will as well)-but as I have always told anyone who asks, Being trans is a PART of who I am -NOT the WHOLE of who I am. I do not demand "acceptance" (of ME or even the concept of being transgender) - all I ask is to be treated with the same common courtesy and respect as any human being deserves.
And with THAT bomb thrown out there, fire away and AMA!
Comments
So, you open the pantry to learn you forgot to buy peanut butter yesterday and have to eat something different. What is #2 on the food priority list?
What is the best book you have read recently and do you have a go to genre?
This would NEVER happen cause I always buy more when I get down to less than 6 three pound jars but as a thought exercise...if cost isn't a concern ? then a good steak. If cost IS a concern then scrambled eggs or some plain deli meat.
Fave genre is military /spy/thriller- e.g , Tom Clancy, Vince Flynn, Brad Thor. Best recent book(actually series)- the Fighting Tomcats series by M.L Maki-( available on Kindle Unlimited on Amazon)- kinda a twist on the move "the Final Countdown" but much more in depth (as only books can be) where a number of military forces from 1989 are "displaced" in time back to 1940s - but unlike the movie it is a PERMANENT thing and the interesting story is how people from both eras deal with it as well as the acceleration of later developments in technology ddue to the knowledge of those from the future ; and also their determination to change the course of history to try and avoid some of the more negative things that happened during and post war.
The Vince Flynn, Mitch Rapp series is my favorite book series as well.
Definitely in my top 5! The kind of guy I hope we really DO have working for us...
Did you ever read the Craig Thomas novels. He wrote the book "Firefox" that the Clint Eastwood movie was based on.
I've read some of his I think but thanks for the suggestion- I may add him to my series of kindle books I'm reading (though I'm mostly partial to what I can read for free using my Kindle Unlimited plan. I think I'm at 31 books read so far this year.)
Other series that are good in my opinion:
Monroe Doctrine- by James Rosone, Miranda Watson- modern warfare China v. US and AI supercomputer perils
The War Planners Series: - by Andrew Watts- red cell wargames end up being used against US by China
Pacific Alternate Series and Blitzkrieg Alternate Series- by Max Lamirande- ww2 alternate history- few decisions made differently changes timelines of the war though final outcome is same
Depth Force submarine series - by Irving A Greenfield- series involving modern sub warfare
The Hunter Killer Series - by George Wallace, Don Keith
- more modern sub warfare
Aggressor Inc. series - by FX Holden- near future series - war between China and UuS and a Air force PMC company
Whats the dumbest thing youve ever done?
What's the nicest thing you ever did for someone?
Who are 3 people cirrent or past you'd like to sit with all together for dinner and drinks.
At what point in your life did you begin to question your gender identity? Did you go along for years not acting on it out of fear of acceptance?
Dumbest thing?- the list is long but illustrious. To pick one is difficult but since I have to? I'd say the time we were tubing on the New River one spring during college and were sitting on the rocks. As the time approached for VEPCO to do their daily release of water from the dam upstream (which caused the river level to rapidly rise and the rapids to become dangerous) we started wading over to the side carrying the cooler we had with us(adult beverages were involved of course). As we waded, someone threw an empty beer can towards-us and -being civic minded- I decided to try to catch it to keep it out of the river. Unfortunately, at that moment I lost my footing and fell into the water near the rapids. I was wearing swim trunks and old tennis shoes.
I was able to catch myself on a rock for about 10-15 seconds but then I couldn't hold on due to the rising and swift rapids, and my hands lost their grip and I shot the rapids!
One foot low to find the bottom, the other in front to find any rocks in front of me. The 50-100 people already on the river bank watched-helpless to do anything- as I shot downstream til the water got deep enough to swim to the shore and hoist myself onto a huge rock where I collapsed breathless for 15 minutes. I was OK but that was the closest I've ever come to drowning.
Nicest thing- I consider myself a nice person all the time-doing things big and small for lots of folks. I guess the nicest thing recently has been helping two families(friends of mine) to keep them from being evicted and living on the streets...to the tune of $250k or more over the last two years. My feeling is what else should I do with the love and blessings God has given me in my life but pass it on to others. Love is one of the few things that - the more you give away, the more you have.
Three people I'd like to sit with for dinner and drinks- my parents- so they could meet the true me that I kept hidden for so long; and the 3rd? Maybe Abraham Lincoln.
My first conscious thoughts about gender identity were at age 11 though at that time I didn't know how deep it was. I was a crossdresser in private from that age until after my divorce and yes that was being in hiding out of fear of what others would think. Then it took another 10 years or so til about age 50 to realize it was more than just the clothing and I began to accept my self as trans and in doing so allowed others to accept me as well. I'm still attracted to women (though I would be open m to anyone who is "the right person" no matter what the outside looked like). As I 've said, I've written many articles and posts for the cd/tg support site I have been on for almost 9 years- both to analyze my own thoughts and to help others in the community as well. I saw a quote on Pinterest that I took to heart "Once you don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks about you, you've reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom"! And it is SO true. Many though not all of folks who knew me before I was out as myself have told me that they are inspired because I am being unapologetically ME. As I noted, all I ask is to be treated with respect and courtesy as a person.
Nicest non-monetary thing- a friend from the pool community here lost her husband of 35 years suddenly and without warning last spring (2023). She had married him at age 18 and thus had never been truly on her own going from birth family to marriage, She is still grieving heavily over a year later and many well meaning folks keep telling her she just needs to move on. I make it a point to let her know that it's ok to grieve as long as she needs to-there is no one timetable for all situations. I text her encouraging messages every 7-14
yearsDAYS ...even now...ad let her know I am here if she needs anything. I pray she will eventually come to terms with it but only when SHE is ready to do so.Why so long between texts? 7-14 years is a long time...
GOOD POINT- BAD TYPO ON MY PART LOL- CORRECTED FROM YEARS TO DAYS
Lol, just messing with ya
what is the "M" for?
Prior to my recent transitioning, the "pbm"- stood for "peanut butter man"- I have so much stuff that uses it that I decided not to "update it ' at all.
Peanut butter ma'am, it's right there!
PB Miss too
I hadn't thought about it but yes! Thank you!
edit- deleted and moved to reply above as I meant to
If Skippy goes bankrupt and stops selling it, what's your #2 PB?
Does Martin's Potato bread count as white bread?
How do you make your sandwiches? Just PB and bread like a sane person (don't ask my wife she thinks I'm wrong), or do you add jams, jellies, bananas, or maple syrup?
If that happens, I'll likely starve as there IS no other PB for me. But I think I'm safe on that count...maybe even if I'm their last remaining customer lol.
Nope- only true loaf white bread- and even there I'm picky about it. Ukrops was my "go-to" til they close then I switched to Great Value from Walmart. (strongly prefer Round Top to the "sandwich style" bread). wonder bread and others are a)too pricey-I go through a loaf of bread very 1-2.5 days- and a 3 lb jar of Skippy in 2-3 days; and b) others are TOO soft- I prefer a particular texture to the bread so the peanut butter spreads smoothly and easily,
yes I'm a sane person- purely peanut butter and bread-no jellies jams or other substances. I don't proselytize against others' choices but anything but "only peanut butter" is heresy to me.
Does Martin's Potato bread count as white bread?
if not white, then yellow bread; and it is great for everything from pulled pork sliders to pb&j's (yes, you are wrong...now if you had said using just peanut butter as "dip" for oreos, you would be right).
I meant to his PB sandwiches, I wouldn't call it white bread, but it's my go too PB bread
So just add "for this purpose" to the question
Thoughts on Reese's cups?
For others? Fine. For ME? No thanks. Only desserts I like are vanilla ice cream and Vanilla Wafers but only if they are 'soft' (I leave the box open on humid days and they are heavenly "melt in your mouth soft". And the only chocolate I like is chocolate milk on occasion
I respect you being a purist, but chocolate+PB>>>
Ok - since I seem to be the one who likes to gun for the music based questions, based on your tastes:
What's your favorite classic rock band? Favorite classic rock album?
Favorite classical composer? Favorite classical piece?
For classic rock band? While I like the Doors, Beach Boys, Simon and Garfunkel(I know not really 'rock'), and many others, my fave group would be the Who. and fave album I'm torn between Who's Next(no bad song on that album)
and Quadrophenia- a masterpiece in my opinion.
Favorite building on campus? Least favorite building on campus?
Do you feel like Dooley was good or bad for VT?
How did you decide on Cynthia?
Hmmm- fave campus building? probably Burruss; least fave ? anything not faced with Hokie stone.
Dooley was on the whole good for VT I think despite his somewhat 'questionable' running of the program. He got Bruce Smith here which was the first Hokie many people knew nationwide (I got to see him play two seasons including the 23 sacks in 11c game season despite being double teamed most every snap.
Outland trophy winner and twice the player his contemporary at Clemson Refrigerator Perry ever was.
Though I have no conscious memory of it, apparently when I was somewhere between 5 or 6 my oldest sister would dress me up and call me her little sister Cynthia. I only know abut it because it was a constant story told at family get togethers. When I later started my own exploration I just stuck with that name (or Cyn for short), FYI when I told my sis about Cynthia decades later, she was worried she had somehow 'caused' my being trans by dressing me up; I reassured her that had nothing to do with it cause if that caused it there would be WAY more trans folks as nearly every older sister with a younger brother did much the same thing and most every one of those turned out to be like any other guy.
What's the doc think of your diet?
None have said anything to me other than they'd prefer I eat more of a variety but my health overall has been pretty good so far at age 59! If you're gonna obsess on one food, peanut butter is far from the worst choice...
If you had gone down the road not taken, what do you think you would've wanted to fly?
I think fighters-given the time frame likely F15's or F16s for much of career then possibly F22 at the end. Would have finished flight school around '88 , possibly been a section leader during Desert Storm, squadron leader by Kosovo/Bosnia. Wing command for Iraqi Freedom/Enduring Freedom and who knows after that (presuming I survived and did well).
Pick one: no peanut butter for one year or no internet access for one year?
Do you ever change things up and get crunchy PB?
Man that's easy. I'm not even a pb purist and I'd take no internet for a year fersher
No internet- hands down- I can read actual books and get out and about doing stuff in the real world instead of virtual.
Again as above, anything but Skippy Creamy would be heresy for me but whatever others choose is fine with me- just leaves more Skippy Creamy for me!
For peanut butter a conservative estimate is that I go through a three pound jar in 3 days. Counting only my adult years (18 and up) the rough calculation would be as below:
3 lb* (365 days per year /3)=365 lbs/year * 41 years= 14965 lbs in my adult life time or just under 7.5 tons (6803 kg,240,000 oz, 2362 stone)
The equivalent of :
-biggest male African savannah elephant
-three Mercedes Maybachs
-Tyrannosaurus Rex
-2020 Ford F-450
-Three rhinoceros
And that's a conservative estimate...
Just more proof that Americans will use anything but the metric system to measure things...Hahaha.
True- I DID include thr kg figure too, though /s
ever try grilled peanut butter sandwiches?
No- I like- well LOVE- peanut butter on (lightly toasted white bread ) toast which seems much easier than actually "grilling it" though...
if you grill it, the peanut butter melts...it elevates the peanut butter and the sandwich. you must try this at least once
Toast a cinnamon raisin bagel and put peanut butter on it as soon as it's out. The peanut butter softens, but doesn't get totally runny.
i will do that!
It does that on toast too- and I love it when the peanut butter gets hot and runs out of the folded toast...
1. My friend in middle/ high school would have peanut butter and bacon sandwiches on toasted white bread everyday for lunch. I'd like to know your thoughts on the matter while also considering that I swear this was the cause for his horrendous gas on the bus rides home from school.
2. What's your favorite gif or TKP meme?
3. I try to respect all personal decisions, but I have a hard time accepting creamy peanut butter over crunchy. The contrasting texture of the peanut pieces are fantastic and I really think you're missing out on that. I do however, respect the dedication to your cause.
1) Again- I'm a purist - and while I love the smell of bacon, I (don't hate me please) don't like eating it.I DID love Nabisco Bacon Thins back when they still made them.
2) Hmmm- Well obviously "It's pronounced Kevin" since that was my birth name; also anything Holy Grail, Airplane, Animal House, Caddyshack, Blues Brothers , or far Side related
3) Again- no proselytizing- eat all the crunchy you want- leaves more Skippy Creamy for me! I do like alternating bites of peanut butter sandwich and Fritos for the contrasting but complementary tastes.
I should note that while I was always a picky eater, I also almost severed my tongue at age 8 so I'm really not sure I taste things the same way everyone else does.
I am a firm believer that not everyone tastes flavors the same, or even perceives colors the same.
What was the best piece of advice someone gave you, who gave it to you, and how have you followed that advice?
Hmmm- interesting question; I'd say the golden rule - treat others AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM TREAT you-NOT as they DO treat you. Source is obviously the Bible but was also ingrained in all of us by my parents. My dad was the epitome of the Southern gentleman and could have been the person Rudyard Kipling wrote his poem "If" about.
I have been and still am generous in sharing the many blessings God has given me (as I noted in an earlier reply above) and I try to be kind and honest in every word and action. I'm an optimist and always believe the best and ascribe the best motive to anyone's words and actions. I may be (and occasionally HAVE been) hurt by this but if I were cynical and disbelieving, I wouldn't be me.
The BLUF is how pragmatic are you ...
So since you lived as a man for like 50 years, I assume you used typical things made for me like razors, shaving cream, deodorant, shampoo, blue pens, etc.
So when you transitioned did you switch to women's stuff like purple and pink pens and pay the pink tax?
Was head and shoulders good and you kept it or now you need tressemee shampoo and conditioner?
If you switched, were there better products (I find women's razors better for shaving legs) or are you more a "it worked for 30 years so" kind of gal?
So for some things I switched to ladies products- razors, lotions-cologne/perfumes. My hair is fairly long so I need a good shampoo. Used Pantene Dream Lengths for a while but now I use Clairol Shimmer Lights as my hair is a blend of silver/gray/brunette and that works best. I only shampoo it every 7-14 days as it's better for the hair. And I get compliments and jealousy from many women on my hair.(It's about 2 feet long on average and extremely thick)
But I don't feel like I HAVE to use "female-specific ' stuff/products nor do I avoid it....
...With the exception of clothes- I haven't worn any male clothes in 7 years. Even before I was out 24/7 in public, I would dress 'stealth Cyn" where all my clothing was women's clothing just not "obviously so" (ladies polo shirts, skinny jeans, penny loafers,etc.)- unless someone was really paying attention they wouldn't notice that the buttons went the opposite side and the collar and sleeves were cut slightly differently.
wow, 7-14 days, my hair would be an oily mess, went it was long (90s grunge thing) I had to shampoo and condition daily or it would be nasty. My wife shampoos and conditions twice a week as she doesn't have as oily hair as I.
I didn't even think about clothes because I would have just assumed that change, but did you low key keep a pair or two of men's pants so you can have usable pockets? Also how long did it take to get used to zippers and buttons being on the other side? That would drive me crazy.
Believe it or not MANY people's hair can be 'trained' to go a long time between washes; it just takes going through a sometimes challenging period as your scalp adjusts its oil production. From an article I read
There are guys pants somewhere in my house but couldn't tell you where lol. I carry a purse everywhere so the smaller pockets don' bother me (and I never liked having bulky stuff in my pockets anyway. And the back pockets still are often usable (for phone etc.) The buttons/zippers just took a period of adjustment.
Interestingly, it's the nails that took awhile to get used to. I was lifelong nail biter (for 40-45 years)- nothing worked to quit...until I started the transitioning(even when I was stealth ); I couldn't stand being Cyn and having torn/ripped/chewed nails so I stopped cold turkey. For the last 5 years I've had gel dip polish on fingers and toes. The only real difficult thing is fastening jewelry clasps due to the thickness of the gel nails. But I LOVE having pretty , sparkly nails! What can I say? I'm definitely a "girly girl' lol!
Buttons are on different sides for mens and women's clothes??? My mind is blown.
I must have missed this AMA months ago, but it has been an exciting and informative read. Appreciate your transparency and honesty.
I never realized this until thrifting a few shirts that I didn't know were women's. I always struggle getting them on.
The general reason is that in earlier years, women of status were usually 'dressed' by their maids who were standing in front of them and buttoning them up and for the maid having their 'lady's buttons 'opposite' of men's meant it was what guys (who usually dressed themselves) consider 'normal'
BPL soccer, as in British premier league?
Favorite team and player? Most hated?
Yes-
Team? Nottingham (cause my dad's side of the family was from that area- and ultimately from Saxony in Germany- he found a family crest from the 1st century BC).
Player? Maybe Kevin Debruyner for all around contribution to his team
No real hatred for any team or player.
Cyn/SkippyPB! I'm really happy that you're living your true life! And, you're brave AF!!!
I did an AMA last year and I had mentioned my divorce but not one of the main reasons for my divorce. As a cis male that finds himself attracted to trans females, I decided to leave the down-low "chaser" life and start being open to the public about my dating/sexuality preference. For the past 3 years I have been dating my girlfriend as she has gone through her transition. It's been hard with many twists and turns, but rewarding. It took over a year to get her driver's licensed corrected, but social security was a breeze. Living in California definitely makes it easier, and I imagine living in VA is probably better than other states, but I know it can be difficult to go through the procedural transactions involved with transition. And my friends and family all know about my gf, and honestly, it feels really good to be open about it. But this AMA is about you, so...
I could ask you a million different things, but here's just a few.
How has it been with your family and friends with the transition? (If OK to ask.)
Do you wish you transitioned earlier in spite of the negative societal views that existed?
Any trans role models (whether personal or public figure)? -- There are definitely a few great ambassadors in the community. And it seems you very much play the role of model to many others through your support site!
I'm obviously a Will Ferrell fan... Have you been looking forward to the release of "Will and Harper" on Netflix? Reviews from Sundance are really good, so it'll be interesting to see the public response.
I like my PB sandwiches with honey. Is honey also on the no-no list for you? And if you eat PB and white bread and no sugar additive, how do you prevent the PB from sticking to the roof of your mouth?
Thank you- I don't always see myself as "brave" but I guess deciding to live unapologetically as yourself no matter the consequences could be thought of as brave.
Congrats on being able to be open about yourself as well, and yes it is VERY freeing to not be hiding who you are. Although I'm trans, I'm still mostly attracted to women but willing to consider anyone who is the right person. The saying "there are many fish in the sea" (in regards to potential parties who might be interested in you) doesn't apply equally, For gay folks it's a decent sized "lake"; for trans folks who re attracted to the "now' opposite sex, it's "a small lake or even a pond". For trans folks still attracted to folks of their birth gender, it seems like "a puddle"!
Younger generations are generally somewhat more open to it but not as much for folks(women in my case) in their 40s/50s. But I remain hopeful and optimistic that MAYBE I can still find someone.
Firstly I am open to ANY questions- if there is something I don't want to answer. I'll say so but I won't be offended at anything I'm asked. It's only by people getting to know us and realizing we are just "people" like anyone else that the world will get better.
Generally fairly well. My parents have long passed away(13 years for mom and 20 for dad). I THINK they booth would have been ok with it, My dad caught me the very first time I dressed at age 11. As I wrote in an article called Sometimes She Screams" on the support site I'm on, "Fortunately, he didn't yell at me or hurt me. Instead, he told me to change my clothes and come talk to him. He told me that lots of boys are curious and that there was nothing wrong with that. Then he asked a question that brought me up short-"Do you want to BE a girl? Cause you know they can do that now." The small voice shouted "say yes!" but the boy wasn't sure, so he stayed quiet. My dad said, "ok, then stay out of your sisters' things and we don't need to tell them about this." And I heard a small sob in my head, and then a silent scream.' This was 1976 so very "enlightened" in my opinion especially for those times. In the years right before my mom died-when I was living in her house so she wasn't alone there-I told her about (what I thought then was only) "my dressing", she was ok with it but didn't really want to see it. I'd like to think if I were where I am now in transitioning they'd have welcomed me.
The kids were teens at the time (and ex and I were divorced) and were thinking about coming to live with me. I told them about my dressing cause they needed to know(and both said same as my mom "whatever but don't wanna see it"). Flash forward to 7-8 years ago when I realized it was "more" and I told them(now young adults) about the real possibility of me transitioning. Son was having his own issues and was not really caring. Daughter was not thrilled and still believes it's not real and against God's teachings (I don't think so but I won't get sidetracked into religious discussion here).
Nieces and nephews (all adults) may or may not care but are at least tolerant and polite so whether they are truly "ok" with it, doesn't matter. Friends largely very supportive- some enthusiastically so, others happy for me even if not fully understanding. I'm not militant about names/pronouns especially since a) I haven't made any legal changes (yet) and b) they knew me as Kevin for ages so I don't expect it to be instantaneous for them. If someone asks, I'll tell them i prefer Cynthia/Cyn and she/her and when/if I do legally change name and gender , I will be more gently insistent than I am now. (Side note, I honestly have my own issues calling an individual they/them- not because of it being a gender thing but because of the grammar (plural vs. individual lol).
I wrote this in my early time of acknowledging and showing the world who I am:
I have told many folks that in my view there are 4 different levels of acceptance of transness. First is the accepting of trans concept in general. Next is when it is someone you know in your life(friends or acquaintances); next is when it's your child or parent; and finally when it's your SO/partner. Each level requires a deeper and greater level of acceptance. The first is very abstract-"whatever others do-doesn't affect me" ; the second-you have to interact or not with them after learning of it; the third- you've known this person all of their or your life- greater shock and requires greater acceptance; fourth s when you have to decide whether you can still a) love the person;- and b) still be SO/partners with them, There is no one right answer and a lot depends on whether they knew at all about the gender incongruity before the relationship began or got serious. I didn't tell my ex because I truly-if naively- thought the need/desire would disappear once I got married. It did NOT and when she found things a year in and confronted me, she almost left then but stayed after I begged her to and promised (sincerely but fruitlessly) that I'd stop. She would see signs over the years and eventually it became too much and we split up(other reasons factored in but the gender stuff was the main issue).
From a physical standpoint? yes definitely. Ideally I would have said 'yes' to my dad's question way back then because could have avoided male puberty altogether. Besides that, the younger you start hormones the better results they give.
From a mental perspective? Probably as I realize in hindsight that I never truly fit in to the typical male role. "Hold my beer and watch this" was definitely NOT me lol. But I hadn't truly accepted myself back then - a necessary step before you can expect anyone ELSE to accept you.
From a societal perspective, it has only been in the last 20 years or so that the idea that trans has become widely known in society aside from being seen as 'freaks' on Jerry Springer- so in that sense no - not decades ago but maybe ten years earlier in my 40s.
I am very thankful that the entertainment industry has (mostly) moved on from associating trans folks with pedophiles, prostitution, psychopathy. et and from almost always being ridiculed. I don't necessarily have any public trans role models per se; most of mine were others o my support site who encouraged me to accept myself and live authentically as myself.
I hadn't heard of this but am definitely interested in seeing it.
Nope-honey is on the "not for me" list. And believe it or not I usually don't have issue with it sticking to roof of mouth!
Well that went longer than expected-sorry; but you asked lots of questions and i tried to answer as thoroughly as possible. If you have more questions about it, I'm happy to answer them here (or privately if you prefer)
It's definitely brave. It's not easy to transition. And I think the decision is harder as one gets older.
And yes, dating in the trans community is hard and can be dangerous. I don't think the society in general realizes the fetishization, sexualization, and dehumanization of trans individuals. Too many trans individuals, especially young kids and young adults, and especially minorities wind up in a bad encounter that results in their death. Examples are endless, it happened in Alabama in May and again in Pennsylvania in June. And there's also the tragic story that happened a few years ago in Blacksburg with a VT football player, albeit there were definitely some shady stuff going on with the catfishing and the lies.
My girlfriend also had a near-death, scary experience with a gun being point at her face when a cis-male was upset over his attraction towards her. The story in short is that he went to a party with her and later was apparently bragging to his friends about her (him knowing she was T, but thinking they didn't know) but his one of his friends knew from her HS days pre-transition and called him out on it. So, he then set up another meetup, they hooked up in her car, and then after he pulled a gun on her. She was able to escape, pushing him out of a car and driving off. And unfortunately, her story is not unique in the trans community.
And beyond the danger, it's just hard for trans individuals to find a partner that is overtly willing to be in a loving relationship. Although, I think it's getting better. I see more and more TikTok reels and podcasts in which transamorous men and women share their story about dating their transgender partner. But, right now, as you noted, the pond is quite small.
I'm glad much of your family was accepting of your transition. And hopefully within time your daughter and son will love you for being your true self. It is hard. My girlfriend has one grandmother that rejects her existence and another grandmother that loves her, but for a long time, continued to call her "hijo" and by her deadname. The better grandma did eventually come around and calls her by her current name, but the other one will likely and eventually die rejecting her existence.
Thanks for sharing the poem. That's really cool.
I would be interested in chatting more. If you have twitter, send me a DM, my handle is in my TKP bio. Or, my work email is here: work website, and you can send me a quick email with your contact info.
Email sent!
And sadly this incident is how many folks see all trans people... sadly NOT /s
Finally got chance to see this last month. I think it was tasteful and realistic in its portrayal of the trans experience in the world. Many if not most people were either indifferent or supportive of Harper when they encountered her, but some were hostile and mocking and showed their disgust. And I have found that to be true in my own experiences. When just going about life- in Walmart, restaurants, ball games- many people don't even notice ANY others around them, and if they do most don't care one way or the other and are either polite or not but the same towards me as they are towards anyone else they encounter. There are a few who are openly disdainful or mocking, but only a very few. Then there are many who are accepting and even encouraging towards me. I think most who knew me prior to being openly myself see that I haven't changed who I am at all other than the wrapping paper. The gift inside is the same-whether the gift is liked or not doesn't change based on the outer packaging.
I don't expect, deserve, or even WANT any special treatment due to being trans just as I wouldn't if I were African-American, disabled, Asian, wealthy, poor, etc. I don't care if someone believes that I AM trans or even that they believe in the concept of trans. ALL I ask is to be treated with the same common courtesy and respect as ANY human being deserves. In return , I will do the same. And if everyone did that, the world would be a far better place, wouldn't it?
As an engineer (and very tongue in cheek):
I don't understand why you said the same thing twice.
My real question: what's the most almost arrested you've been?
LOL.
I was waiting for this question.(though I am largely a "goody two shoes"). Two times come to mind.
The ex and I used to live in Caroline County and were planning a move to King William County i January. So we enrolled the kids in KW schools in the fall so they wouldn't be transferring mid year. (Being a military brat , I know how difficult that can be -especially when it happens every 18-24 months...but I digress). So in the mornings I would drive the kids to school "on the way" to work. On the way is in quotes because my work commute was down I-95 from Carmel Church exit to downtown, and the school was down 301 and over on route 30 (or other east/west highway) an then down 360 to Richmond after dropping them off. KW has the paper plants and lots of logging trucks that usually drove slower than the 55 mph speed limit. My schedule was tight for the 25 mile drive to the schools and then the 27b mile commute to my work on south side of downtown in Manchester. Thus I tended to drive "just a tad" over the speed limit...ok I averaged 70 and on straightaways on back roads would occasionally hit 100. One day I was on Rt 30 and there was a tractor trailer and car both driving about 50 and I was running late. I had an opening so I passed them both at the same time and JUST as I was pulling back into my lane, I saw a police car going the opposite way on the opposite direction on Rt 30 and he flipped on his lights. I panicked and took a right on the next road (that I had zero idea where it went) to try and keep the cop from pulling me and getting a major ticket if not be arrested. Kept driving while praying he didn't see me turn off and chase me. Fortunately, Rt 30 is a narrow road and 55 mph limit and since we were driving opposite directions , he had to slow to zero , turn around and then catch up. And due to the tractor trailer I don't THINK he saw me turn onto the side road. Regardless, I kept driving and eventually came out to 360 and never saw the cop. I told the kids we were "trying a new route to school" lol.
The other time was at VT. One of my friends was in the MV and invited me to a band fraternity party (off North
Main St). Now when my friends and I made grain punch we mixed it 1 part grain to 15 parts "punch/lemonade". Unbeknownst to me, the fraternity made it 1 part grain to 5n parts punch/lemonade. I had 4+ stadium cups full of punch or basically 16 oz of grain in about 90 minutes! Needless to say I was completely blitzed. A friend was going to get me home but stopped to talk with someone; I prompytly fell onto a fold out couch and proceeded to puke into the rack at the back. My friend got me up but then three steps ;later stopped to talk again and I fell into a DIFFERENT couch and puked again and largely (but not quite completely) passed out. I have a distinct memory of 4-5 people deciding to make a "human pizza" out of me! They dumped Prego spaghetti sauce on me and sprinkled parmesan cheese and (I think) spaghetti noodles too. Then I heard someone say "Lets put him in the oven" and thankfully someone else said "no no - he's too big; he won't fit". At that point (1am maybe?), passed out and woke up about 5 am and got up off the couch to use the restroom. Walking back in the living room, I looked at the couch and though 'I'm NOT laying back down on that" and then looked around and saw 10+ other people passed out around the room. I thought "I REALLY don't wanna be here when they wake up". So I decided (at about 530-6 am), to walk back to my dorm room...2+miles away at Lee next to Cassell Coliseum. I was SURE I was gonna be seen walking through town and campus by acop an be arrested for drunk in public(I def still was drunk), but incredibly I made it without incident and passed out on ny dorm room floor.
Post script- my roommate worked breakfast shift at the dining hall and when he woke up and jumped down from his loft , fortunately he saw e while halfway down and spread his feet apart straddling my prone body. Otherwise
I might have been killed if he landed on me and ruptured my spleen or kidneys or liver. Also i found out later that the frat members got in big trouble for the "pizza incident" because I was a guest- if I had been a member they'd have been fine but they aren't suppose to pull pranks on guests/visitors apparently.
And those are the two 'almost arrested" incidents in my life.
What do you think of the new jerseys?
I like everything I've seen thus far!
Thanks for participating Skippy, and for being so honest and open! Got a nominee for next? If not, MasScott said he would play along.....with great hokiebird stories.....
I think I jumped the gun and skipped daveinop as well.
My pleasure-not sure how "interesting I was but I thank those who engaged and appreciate the thoughtfu question.
You almost flew fighter jets and had invaluable experience to share to the community. All that to say I'm glad I went before you did lol!
Thank you for the kind words. I'll admit I was a little nervous, but decided the community here was broad-minded enough and I was proven correct. Y'all are the best!
Dave? How bout it?
I'd be happy to give it a whirl but someone with Hokiebird stories might be way more interesting.
Your call.
Go ahead with #33 - we can come back to MasScott
will do!
Interested in your thoughts/perspectives/advice...
Just met my nephew's family for the first time (did a memorial/ash-spreading weekend for my mother at the family farm). They have three children...a 6-year old male, 3 year old female, and 1 year old female.
The 6 year old has identified as a female since age 2. Parents are going with the flow as did everyone in attendance this weekend. My sister is struggling a little with it but didn't make a scene or embarrass anyone.
First off, kudos for the parents and all of y'all for 'going with the flow'. Second, it's ok for your sister to struggle with it privately(as long as she isn't critical of the parents or show any disrespect especially towards the trans daughter(niece). Many people, understandably I think, are wary of very young kids being 'diagnosed' as trans at an extremely young ages as there are definitely many kids who are just experimenting and exploring who they are.
That being said, if the trans identification is persistent and strong, then there's nothing wrong with being supportive of it. I also believe that allowing kids to push the boundaries of traditional roles is fine though I do not particularly care for the parenting style of purposely NOT raising a kid as any gender absent any indications from the child. It is not an easy life being trans, and there are tradeoffs and consequences for embracing your trans identity.
While many folks who are trans DO 'know' from an early age that their identity didn't match their biology, it is NOT true for all trans people. I knew growing up that I was 'different' from most kids, but didn't know exactly how or why. For young kids who DO identify as trans early and strongly, it is important to know that NO medical procedures are done until the child approaches the onset of puberty. At that time, the use of blockers to suppress the 'unwanted' effects of hormones on their body is the only thing that is done until the child reaches mid to late teens. The blockers DELAY the onset of puberty and if stopped later the original birth biology puberty will ensue. The use of blockers is especially critical in male to female as it prevents the voice from lowering and the adam's apple and facial hair to not develop, and allows the bone structure of the hips to follow the female pattern-thus avoiding things that later HRT cannot change reverse as well as saving tens of thousands in electrolysis and facial feminization surgeries. The effect of female hormones is much better the younger they are begun and especially if before any male puberty has occurred. I started HRT at age 57, thus the results were not as dramatic as I would've liked. I had my breast augmentation surgery in December of last year-the HRT had taken them to A= cup size and the surgery took that to about C. I did 60 hours or so of electrolysis(at a cost of almost $5000) about 10 years ago, which combined with the hormones means I only have to shave facial hair once a dy. To completely eradicate the facial hair would require another 150-200 hours which would be an additional 10-20k which I can't afford. Also as my insurance doesn't cover the facial feminization surgeries, I can't afford that $10-20k as well either-though honestly I am not totally upset with what nature and HRT gave me. I would love to have a more feminine voice but the surgeries for that are very expensive and no guarantee that won't damage you voice or that the results would be satisfactory. Voice therapy can help but is very pricey too.
So summing up, support without 'pushing' someone too fast is the best approach in my opinion. At a TG conference I attended a year or so ago, there was a speaker- a trans tween and her mom. The 'audience ' were all CD or trans folks or allies. And the tween gave a speech and appeared 'over-the-top' exaggerated caricature of 'a female. It seemed as though she were almost coached by her mom, leading many of us to question whether the trans identity was inherent in the child or 'pushed' by the mom. While there was some applause, there were many of us who felt quite uncomfortable and some left the room during the speech.
Let things proceed naturally and at the child's pace. Don't be surprised if they express characteristics of both genders or a blend of them. Each person in the trans community has a different path- there are similarities and differences and together those paths weave a beautiful tapestry.
thanks! kind of what I figured but very good to hear it from someone with experience
our daughter is a BCBA and she dove into the middle of her cousin's kids as soon as we got there. 10 minutes later she texts us, "B's pronouns are she/her". I wasn't surprised...dress over pink jeans, rainbow scarf, and introduced with a feminine nickname. But my wife felt obligated to double down. She immediately tracks me down..."you got M's text, right?" Apparently I'm viewed as being potentially insensitive; or that I don't always check my texts; or both, lol.