got a buddy who is getting remarried later this year - says hes going to have the same best man and that the best man has already told him his speech is going to start with "It's great to see half of you again...."
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Yeah, if I'm being honest, that dude's speech at the first wedding was one of the worst I've ever witnessed. It ended with him throwing a packet of condoms at the groom. So, par for the course, I guess
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My dad once said "Do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way".
Then 3 months later he called me to say happy birthday at 6am....
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From the Work Chronicles desk calendar my wife got me for Christmas:
Employee #1: Mondays are the worst. I hate Mondays.
Employee #2: You don't hate Mondays. You hate your job.
Employee #1: Great. Now I hate other days of the week as well.
Perfect for a Monday at a PE-owned firm!
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That's why women carry purses that can double as long weekend travel bags. Don't get me wrong, my dear wife has pulled items out of her purse that have been very useful at times.
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That's why women carry purses that can double as long weekend travel bags
Yes my purse is large ; and for a GUY it might double as a 'long weekend bag'-my son can fly for a weekend visit with a small backpack); but for a long weekend I'd have a MINIMUM of full carry on suitcase and laptop bag (but no laptop in it; just my purse and assorted other things that are 'necessary' to have 'options' for various possible weather and events.... and that's just for flying where I'm limited on space by baggage regulations. If I'm driving somewhere for weekend break/vacation, I'll have at least two(maybe three) suitcases (shoes/boots take up a lot of space!). And yes my day to day purse is huge and has a myriad of useful items in it....including an ACTUAL kitchen sink from the Play Family kid's toys by Fisher Price !(cause then when someone says 'you have everything but the kitchen sink in there' I can reply 'oh no- I've got that too!')
pulled items out of her purse that have been very useful at times.
Nail file and clippers, feminine hygiene products; power banks and cord; hair ties and scrunchies; hairbrush; eyeglass repair kits; tylenol/advil, neosporin, bandaids; tweezers; change of underwear; foldable flats; a sandwich bag of quarters to play pool at the club I go to. It weighs probably 10-15 lbs and would inflict some pain if I swung it at you lol.
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Nurse's kid here. I have a pharmacy in my laptop bag with the essentials and my suitcase has a larger one that has enough OTC drugs for a week or more. Pro-tip: foreign countries have different names and brands for every drug you know. Bring the ones you'll probably need with you so aren't in a foreign pharmacy trying to figure out where the Imodium is.
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Comments
Yes! and Thank You!
I don't get this one.
You wasted no time starting this thread. Nicely done.
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
Oh wait, sorry, not a dad joke...
Answering because I have always enjoyed this topic even if it was a joke.
Pectin is sometimes added to these depending on how much occurs naturally in the fruit to help it set up at room temperature.
(NSFW): https://www.youtube.com/shorts/rdzP3t299Co
I was intentionally sidestepping that bit
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism.
It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
got a buddy who is getting remarried later this year - says hes going to have the same best man and that the best man has already told him his speech is going to start with "It's great to see half of you again...."
Ummm, OK, ... that seems like a "Not Great, Bob" Start ... especially for the new bride...
Yeah, if I'm being honest, that dude's speech at the first wedding was one of the worst I've ever witnessed. It ended with him throwing a packet of condoms at the groom. So, par for the course, I guess
Did you know that there aren't any canaries in the Canary Islands? The same holds true for the Virgin Islands. There aren't any canaries there either!
The Best Sweater:
I'm doing the snowman diet this year.
The pounds just melt away.
Son: I'm going to go out and bring home a pizza.
My wife: No, the storm has made the roads too treacherous. You could crash and die. Let your father go get it.
I don't get what's wrong with that. Almost every time I poop, it's in the house..
Wait, do you know my dog?
My dad once said "Do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way".
Then 3 months later he called me to say happy birthday at 6am....
Pilots here will like this one:
It took me far too long to realize this wasn't about Instant Pot cooking times, and I'm not sure it isn't.
From the Work Chronicles desk calendar my wife got me for Christmas:
Employee #1: Mondays are the worst. I hate Mondays.
Employee #2: You don't hate Mondays. You hate your job.
Employee #1: Great. Now I hate other days of the week as well.
Perfect for a Monday at a PE-owned firm!
I was actually going to stop putting two spaces after a period until I found out how much it bothers people.
Puns make me feel numb.
Math puns make me feel number.
Try calculus puns, they have their limits.
Why can you always get the answer to chemistry jokes.
They all have solutions.
That about sums it up.
A perfect candle example:
What is the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
One is pho-profit and the other is naan-profit.
I painted this portrait for the same reason. Hanging above the stairs to my basement.
Shoog, is that you?
Did you know Ireland has the city with the world's fastest growing population? It's Dublin every year. Happy St Patties everyone!
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
emphatic single drum beat "HAND EYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE..."
Dammit, I was just about to post this. Saw it on reddit last night.
👏👏👏
I like pineapple on pizza (with some other toppings), but this is funny:
Most veterinarians refuse to treat a grizzly without strong anesthesia first because there's safety in numb bears.
Frosty did not appreciate this joke. Oh well, at least he is not a grizzly.
Oooh sure, they're all cute as hell when they're little.
Guy #1 at the bar: For almost 30 years, my wife and I were both so happy.
Guy #2 at the bar: Oh man, what happened?
Guy #1 at the bar: We met.
Editor's note - Actually, my wife and I are very happy together.
I don't actually have kids, but I love telling Dad jokes.
It makes for a bit of a faux pa
OK, that's a good one. I'll pass it on to my crowd's version of the reservoir of juvenile humor, he'll get a kick.
A friend of mine changed his name to Björn today.
He wasn't Björn yesterday
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.
People make fun of my cargo pants, until they need a ratchet set or a pulled-pork sandwich...
That's no joke, man!
Yeah, I have a wife and 2 daughters. They don't make women's clothes with pockets.
That's why women carry purses that can double as long weekend travel bags. Don't get me wrong, my dear wife has pulled items out of her purse that have been very useful at times.
Yes my purse is large ; and for a GUY it might double as a 'long weekend bag'-my son can fly for a weekend visit with a small backpack); but for a long weekend I'd have a MINIMUM of full carry on suitcase and laptop bag (but no laptop in it; just my purse and assorted other things that are 'necessary' to have 'options' for various possible weather and events.... and that's just for flying where I'm limited on space by baggage regulations. If I'm driving somewhere for weekend break/vacation, I'll have at least two(maybe three) suitcases (shoes/boots take up a lot of space!). And yes my day to day purse is huge and has a myriad of useful items in it....including an ACTUAL kitchen sink from the Play Family kid's toys by Fisher Price !(cause then when someone says 'you have everything but the kitchen sink in there' I can reply 'oh no- I've got that too!')
Nail file and clippers, feminine hygiene products; power banks and cord; hair ties and scrunchies; hairbrush; eyeglass repair kits; tylenol/advil, neosporin, bandaids; tweezers; change of underwear; foldable flats; a sandwich bag of quarters to play pool at the club I go to. It weighs probably 10-15 lbs and would inflict some pain if I swung it at you lol.
Sounds a lot like my wife lol
Nurse's kid here. I have a pharmacy in my laptop bag with the essentials and my suitcase has a larger one that has enough OTC drugs for a week or more. Pro-tip: foreign countries have different names and brands for every drug you know. Bring the ones you'll probably need with you so aren't in a foreign pharmacy trying to figure out where the Imodium is.
I'd add that, when you travel, try to avoid places where you are likely to end up needing Imodium.
Where is your sense of adventure
That approach will make you miss a lot of interesting places and experiences.
To be fair, you'll miss several hours of other experiences the other way.
I've got a "Dad Joke of the Day(-ish)" on the whiteboard, here's today's entry (which I don't think I've seen here yet):
Shout out to those who don't know the opposite of the word "in".
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Oh no! No one is safe now!
What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and the Chickpeas can hummus one.
i like the: what's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? i've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest before...
And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
Used the black eyed peas/chickpeas one on Friday. Good one, thanks.
Used this on my dad joke whiteboard today:
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
A photographer was tragically crushed when a giant block of cheddar fell on him. The people he was photographing tried desperately to warn him.
Cheeeeeese
What part of your brain determines which sandwiches you eat?
The subconscious
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Use spring water.
The past... IYKYK!
