Three Red Shells

So there is a race in the ACC to see who can become the league's premier quarterback. Ten-and-a-half teams are returning their starter (pouring some out for Jacory, Jacory's interceptions, and Danny O'Brien), and are coming off seasons ranging from solid to career changing.

And so, I want to take a look at this race before Dinich writes a 12-part series of posts titled "A Countdown of ACC QB's". To appropriately analyze, I'm bringing together two parts of my life that I love: college football, and Mario Kart '64.

Oh yeah, that's right. Over the last 12 years, I think I've devoted more hours to these subjects, than my studies. Naturally, I’m comparing the two. Before you can watch the "race" for the ACC's top quarterback unfold, you need to know who the participants are.

As you (should) know, there are 8 characters in Kart, so naturally I had to leave four quarterbacks off the big board. Condolences to C.J. Brown, Chase Rettig, Bryn Renner and Tanner Price, each of you were close to making the cut but were beat out in the end.

So without further ado... start your engines (yep... I'm that lame).

Mario– Logan Thomas

I realize that this seems like a homer pick, but hear me out. Mario is the guy who runs things. He's the name on box, the guy the public recognizes. I'm not saying LT is there yet, but Mel Kiper Jr. thinks he will be. And if he improves as much as the beat writers and pundits suggest, who's to say that he can't become the A-list celebrity of ACC quarterbacks? They also each have killer facial hair.

Luigi–Mike Glennon

This one makes the most sense. They're both tall, skinny, lanky and have weirdly shaped heads. They both have brothers that were in the game/conference. Luigi is sneakily fast in Kart, having one of the best tracks and quietly competing under the radar (do you know anyone who's go-to character is Luigi?). Glennon quietly put up brilliant numbers (over 3,000 yards and 31 touchdowns). And while State didn't win a bunch last year, Glennon lead a great end of year run, winning four of five.

Toad–Tevin Washington

Short, shifty and known for speed. Washington is an option quarterback's option quarterback... for better or worse. Much like Toad, he can get a little predictable and often loses to many of the characters in big races because of his style of play cannot come from behind.

Yoshi–Sean Renfree

Fun, pretty good, but kind of pointless. Don't get me wrong, it pains me to say that because Yoshi is my go-to driver, but he is a funny dude that isn't one of the "big time racers". Renfree posts some solid stats, but it really doesn't matter because he plays for Duke.

Bowser–Stephen Morris

They're both big and strong, they're both the villain of the group, but they don't really win anything because they can't seem to keep up. Bowser hates Mario; Miami and Morris hate Tech. Let's be honest, the guy is skilled, but he hasn't shown he can breath fire. He probably won't ever put it together for a big-time winning season.

Donkey Kong–E.J. Manuel

A HUGE physical specimen that has all the tools, playing for a fan favorite (people inexplicably love DK, it's a fact), that can't seem to put it together to beat some of the better players/teams in the game. Whenever he does get cruising, a turtle shell comes out of nowhere to knock him off the course to the sideline, disappointed yet again.

Wario–Tajh Boyd

Pretty solid and seemingly built as a foil for Mario (and Virginia Tech/Logan Thomas). Even if he beats Mario, however, he always seems to blow it because  villains don't win in Mario Kart. Bowser never wins, and Wario never wins, no matter how hard they scheme and try. One is also short, a little too stocky to race and has a bit of a belly... and so does Wario. #SHOTSFIRED

Peach–Mike Rocco

Peach is the least talented of the group. No one really understands how Peach wins. She's not really supposed to, she's just there to make the few girls who play the game happy. Also, no one really understands how Rocco is generally productive. It just seems like he kind of runs around and some how makes plays, even though he's not specifically talented at anything. Also, as a rule, Peach NEVER beats Mario. She just can't. Or won't. Or both.

Thank you for bearing with me through 800 words of that... Hopefully this doesn't end up on a Clemson message board somewhere where they can spend 4 months stewing on a Tajh Boyd fat joke.