Hello. As you may have heard, the United States Men's National Soccer Team is playing in the World Cup. They managed to advance from group play to the knockout round, where they will be taking on the Red Devils of Belgium this afternoon. Seeing as how the entire national psyche for the next four years depends entirely on the performance of our soccer team in this tournament, many Internet persons began an active campaign to denigrate everything Belgium holds dear. And rightly so.
But I fear that many leapt into this fight with no forethought, no strategy; lashing out immediately at known quantities of Belgian origin. Oh, Belgian Waffle? Well...PANCAKES! WAFFLES SUCK! PANCAKES RULE! This, on its face, is absurd. The waffle contains delightful, flavorful, crispy, crevasses with which to capture the topping of choice and the Belgian version of the waffle far exceeds your run of the mill waffle, let alone a pancake. But why are we stooping to such childish comparisons? Hell, we didn't even invent the pancake, how on Earth is that our rallying point? And we put syrup made from the SYMBOL OF CANADA on it.
It occurred to me that we have no choice but to pit our national treasures against theirs. No one looks at a pancake and thinks of the might of American industrial power and excessiveness. In no way is that the American equivalent and a suitable foe to thrust into the ring against the might of the Belgian Waffle. We hereby set forth to enter into competition: the best America has to offer against the best Belgium has to offer. The outcome should give us no indication at all of what to expect from the soccer game.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
National Food: Belgian Waffle vs. American Barbecue
In one corner, we have one of the leading representatives of dessert for breakfast, which is almost as American as you can get. In the other corner we have the greatest food on Earth. Do we really need to continue? Okay, let's.
Barbecue represents the diversity and ingenuity of America; from the different woods used for smoke to the different type of sauces, every part of America has made barbecue their own. And when people try to serve it with something other than vinegar sauce, we show how forgiving we can be of failure. We even accept Texans and their brisket "barbecue" because they clearly don't know any better. POINT: AMERICA
The waffle is a supporting character, either part of breakfast or as dessert, whereas barbecue is the centerpiece of not just a meal, but generally an event. POINT: AMERICA
There are barbecue competitions, barbecue societies and entire television shows dedicated to barbecue. Meanwhile, a leading waffle vendor in Brussels has this slogan:
Your confidence in your admittedly delicious product is LAUGHABLE
POINT: AMERICA
Waffles can be served with ice cream, and...dammit. POINT: BELGIUM
Last but not least, barbecue contains pork, the most delicious thing on earth. Waffles contain none. POINT: AMERICA
I think it's fair to say America curbstomps Belgium in this particular category.
National Vegetable: Brussels Sprouts vs Corn
While America may not be generally known for our vegetables, it makes the most sense to select a crop that's the backbone of the heartland AND, as a bonus, one that contains relatively little nutritional value. In addition, corn is the decisive ingredient in that most delicious of baked goods, cornbread1. In addition, we mustn't forget the CORNerstone (GET IT?!) of the global breakfast cereal market as well as the new contributions corn is making towards America's energy independence through ethanol. And last but not least, you can make liquor out of corn.
Do you know what you can make with Brussels Sprouts? Brussels Sprouts. Ever had Brussels Sprouts bread? Brussels Sprouts cereal? Brussels Sprouts moonshine? The answer to all of these questions is no. Do you know what happens when you stick processed Brussels Sprouts in your Peugeot2?
THIS IS WHY YOU DO NOT PUT BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN YOUR PEUGEOT
National Beloved Fictional Animated Characters: Smurfs vs Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles3
A band of oddly colored creatures doing battle against an excessively evil antagonist, occasionally on behalf of a humanity that, aside from a squire and a doofus or an intrepid reporter, has no idea of their existence.
We could look at this from a number of angles. One group is named after their one dimensional emotional state and/or occupation, the other after famous Italian Renaissance artists. One group works in a vaguely implied communist village, the other spends their days doing martial arts training and playing video games. One group makes all their food from some weird smurfberry, the other eats pizza roughly eight times a day.
In all these categories, it's easy to see the Ninja Turtles win, but let's ask the most important question: Who would win in a fight? 100 four inch tall Smurfs aided by Papa Smurf's magic and their ability to work together to overcome buffoon like foes OR four smart ass ARMED turtles who trained under Master Splinter? AMERICA WINS AGAIN.
National Export: Diamonds vs Freedom
Freedom comin, y'all. And Hell's comin with it. YOU HEAR ME? HELL'S COMIN WITH IT.
National Goofiest Hair on National Soccer Team: Marouane Fellaini vs Geoff Cameron
Okay, let's just agree that we both lose this one. EVERYONE loses.
Cameron's is certainly a subtler goofy, but combined with his default facial expression of stoned confusion, his hair is weird as hell
National Beer: Trappiste vs Budweiser
Belgium wins this category, MOVING ON.
National Statue: Manneken Pis vs the Statue of Liberty
This one isn't even fair. A tiny statue of a little boy urinating (literally, "Little Peeing Man") vs the symbol of liberty? The towering, outstretched arms of freedom welcoming those fleeing from evil across the Earth to the world's greatest melting pot against a ridiculously overly famous national symbol that admittedly represents the innate and perverse sense of humor of the Belgian people? Do we even need to score this one?
In conclusion, I think that it's easy to see that American trumps Belgium in every significant category except for beer. And probably chocolate. Unless...
American ingenuity and excess WINS AGAIN
1Cornbread also likely would've gone 12 rounds with a Belgian Waffle and caused a split decision with the judges
2Peugeots are French, but Belgians don't even have any carmakers anyone has ever heard of so we're using the French as a proxy
3In both cases we are referring to the cartoon from decades ago and NOT to any current or recent terrible money grabbing and horrifying film adaptation that is retroactively ruining your childhood.
Comments
Budweiser being considered our National beer saddens me in so many ways. America should not represented by such swill. Alas, consumers have spoken.
Bud is the King of Beers for a reason and that reason is not taste it's marketing.
Boy do I love that price tag.
If not Bud, the second choice is Miller Lite. Microbrewers deserve thanks far more than imaginable.
Just a friendly reminder that Anheuser-Busch was acquired by InBev (a Belgium-Brazilian company headquartered in Belgium) back in 2008.. Sellouts. And now traitors.
The judges were recently apprised of this development and, even though they should have known about it already, this is a FIFA sanctioned competition and the results cannot be changed at this time due to copious amounts of bribery.
When I read through it before publishing, I thought that was the joke.
Wow. Maybe none of my jokes are funny for the reason I think they are. Now I'm concerned.
You're welcome for that, but I still say it's an auto-forfeit
Budweiser is owned by InBev, and InBev is a ......... BELGIAN COMPANY. I think that ought to count against their beer score.
Also, let it be known that French Fries come from Belgium. So unless you are ordering Freedom Fries, you'll be without your fried potatoes today.
Have y'all ever tried a Lige waffle? Not this BS that they call "Belgian Waffles" in the US.
They are coated with caramelized sugar to give them a bit of crunch. You can get them at small waffle carts and they are simply AMAZING.
I mean, it's no Barbeque, but I wouldn't write them off either.
I think this is double points to America. Not only do waffles contain pork but they also contain BBQ. We took their national food and made it our bizatch
I need that in me right now.
This looks good even with a tomato based sauce on it.
Results of the 2014 World Beer Cup:
The US is kicking Belgium's ass at their own styles of beer.
great movie
haha saw this for the first time last week. Couldn't stop laughing after the "well youse a bunch of elephants" scene
I'm gonna eat the shit out of some Belgian Waffles today.
Every one I eat, I'll treat it like I'm Godzilla taking a big bite out of Belgium. In my mind, I'm destroying their country, just like the USMNT. Didn't know Belgium was this delicious, either.
The NYTimes did something similar.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/01/sports/worldcup/world-cup-2014-usa-bel...
I can't believe they copied me.
yours is better
I can.
So did Wetzel:
https://sports.yahoo.com/news/a-matter-of-national-insecurity--why-u-s--...
Ignoring the evil that is InBev, here's my intentionally biased opinion of Belgian vs. American beer (which is only appropriate today):
Belgian beer is mostly steeped in tradition. That's all well an good. They make some nice beers. Their Trappiste ales are legitimate and delicious. These beers are made at monasteries and were used by the monks to sustain them during Lent. Great idea! I'd love to be drunk on beer for over a month straight. These are big, sugary, and alcoholic wonders of God. I particularly recommend the Trappiste Rochefort #10 (blue cap). It's 11.1% ABV of dark fruity goodness that gives me beergasms (a real thing - I think). The Belgians are also known for their sour beers. Yes, sour. They leave vats of beer open in the winter months and let them just age with the natural wild yeasts of the area (Brettanomyces genus) and a couple of Lactobacillus genus bacteria. This is craziness guys. These Belgians were just lazy one winter and left beer sitting out and it turned out surprisingly good despite spoiling. They've figured this thing out by now. The Rodenbach Grand Cru is a great example of a Flanders Red. Sour, a little acidic, but with a nice malty backbone. Belgians are also known for a beer style called a Saison. It's a nice citrusy and spicy beer that is made for the summer months in Southern Belgium. The story goes that Belgian farmers made this beer in the winter months for the summer to quench the thirst of their farmhands as part of their pay. MEN WERE BEING PAID IN BEER. That's an amazing idea. I wish I was paid in beer every single day. This beer may have a few wild yeast characteristics, but it is much less so than the Flemish sour counterparts. To help the beer keep for half a year, they also hopped the beer at a higher rate because hops are a natural preservative (beer really is an amazing thing - you can live off of it for a month and some of it's ingredients are preservatives?!? Best beverage ever). Over the years this style has become more alcoholic because that's just intelligent (from about 3% up to 6-8% now).
American beer is pretty much a microcrosm of 'Merica. We're a giant melting pot with influences from all over the place. Anheiser-Busch named their main beer after a Czech brewery named Budweis (they're now owned by InBev, but they did start American). A common consumed craft beer style in the States is the India Pale Ale. As I mentioned earlier, hops are a preservative. How were the British troops supposed to get their beer in India? Well, they hopped the living hell out of their normal Pale Ale. When drinking it fresh, it was much more bitter and had a much more intense hop flavor. By the time it reached India by ship, it had mellowed considerably (the hop compounds break down over time. Don't drink a month old IPA; it's not the same as a fresh one). Well, people discovered they like drinking this beer fresh. Americans adopted this appreciation. We also have our own hops farms, particularly in the Northwest, with our own strains of American hops. We go full on crazy with these hop strains. Let's make them as strong as possible and let's give them every flavor and aroma imagineable. Want one that's lemon-lime? Try Amarillo Gold. Want one that's piney and graprefruit like? Enjoy Cascade (a staple of many recipes). How about a purely intense pine character? Columbus or Tomahawk or Zeus will suit you well (CTZ for short since the strains are so similar). How about a more floral and spicy hop that's still intense? I present Centennial. You tell me you want one that some people confuse with cat urine (yea this one is aggressive, folks), but most people love for it's citrus? I present Simcoe (I use the crap out of this one). Yea, we do our IPAs right. We also have melded the two best beverages of all time into one: bourbon and beer. That's right. Your dreams are full on reality. Let's make a beer, typically an Imperial Stout (aside - Imperial Stouts originated as an export from Britain to the royalty of Russia. They are higher in alcohol for keeping) and age it in a barrel from the great American institution of Bourbon. These things are legit guys. I refer you to Founder's Kentucky Breakfast Stout (KBS). They release every April and are normally sold out by the 4th of April. But, we don't just make stouts aged in Boubon. We age almost any beer in Bourbon. We've aged IPAs, Belgian style (but American made) Quadrupels, pale ales, and Scotch Ales. Yea, 'Merica does beer right. The American dream is real in American brewing. We keep reaching for bigger, crazier, and better. I mean, as the great Founding Fathers once said, while sipping their tasty beer and beating the crap out of anyone they want because 'Merica, "Screw Tradition!"
For the TL;DR: Belgium does a fine job with some nice little traditions. But, as the Founding Fathers said, "Screw Tradition!" Americans do beer more intensely.
Bourbon-barrel aged beer....now THAT is truly the American Dream. I prefer the aged IPA's like "Burton Baton", but they are all spectacular
I love Burton Baton. Half IPA, half barrel aged Old Ale. That thing is way too easy to drink. I'd recommend Local Species by Blue Mountain. It's a barrel aged IPA that's less alcoholic ("only" 7% ABV). Has some nice citrus hops to go with oaky and vanilla notes from the bourbon.
"I'd recommend Local Species by Blue Mountain."
Yes! "Local Species" is one of my favorites as well. We try to hit the Blue Mountain Brewery once a year when we go to Wintergreen. You appear to have great taste in beer.
Some of them are so good. Hardywood in Richmond has a Bourbon Gingerbread Stout they release in December that is phenominal.
Sours are delicious. Any suggestion to the contrary is just wrong. And, many american breweries are making sours, just not in grand production. I long for the day of bottled American Sour (looking at you New Belgium) as good some of the Belgium greats (Rodenbach Grand Cru, Lindeman Gueze, and Duchesse de Bourgogne).
Edit: I've also seen some breweries use Bourbon Barrels for souring. So, there's that.
I also love sours. Strangeways Brewing in Richmond turned me on to them. I have not had the pleasure of a barrel aged sour.
I grabbed one at Capital Ale House a while back, I think it was Duchesse, and fell in love. Such a unique flavor and absolutely incredible.
Strangeways usually has one in their rotation. The most recent, O.T.I.S. was not as sour as the first 2 but still a good drink.
I BELIEVE!!!
Where is Billdozer and his hype vid
This game is on at 4am here and I'm watching it in the Belgium Brewery so if we don't win I'm gonna be pissed
I saw what you did there.
"And when people try to serve it with something other than vinegar sauce, we show how forgiving we can be of failure"
Haha...so true! (see failed efforts of South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, KC, Memphis, Texas, etc.)
Wait, BBQ can't be served with Ice Cream?
Why not?
The judges are conferring.
not sure that helps though
What about barbeque served in a waffle cone?
so on todays "trending on facebook" Waffle house pops up with the caption "waffle house declares war on Belgian Waffles before U.S.-Belgium game" god bless America, and god bless waffle house for showing their support
ALSO quick question....I'm a very supersticious man, and I drink a blue moon for all of my soccer games recently (mostly in support to city). However I took it up for the world cup games, drank one at the start of the ghana game and we all know how that one started...and ordered one right before halftime of the portugal game (again we all know how that worked out). I didnt order one for the germany game (due to the fact that I was out of town) and we lost. So far my teams have faired pretty well while drinking them, do i order one? I'm kind of caught in a pickle here
I love Waffle House.
And it's a tough call. It's an American beer, but a Belgian style. It depends how hard a stance you take on the "nothing Belgian" for the day.
I'm probably going to do it just to calm myself...and then never do it again if we lose. I mean that doesnt sound drastic at all does it?! DOES IT?!?!?!?!
I love me some Waffle House but I go there for the hashbrowns.
The "All the Way"
A mess of hashbrowns scattered on the grill, smothered with sauteed onions, covered in melted cheese, chunked with grilled ham, diced with grilled tomatoes, peppered with jalapeos, capped with grilled mushrooms, topped with chili, and then given country status for good measure with a heavy ladling of sausage gravy.
As long as that's all you eat, YES! Waffle house truly understands hash browns.
Waffle house has never served Belgian waffles (invented in 'Murica). They are trying to get you to boycott IHOP.
The unofficial AO Blacksburg group is headed to Champs. Where else is everyone watching today?
First Down in Ballston, everyone in NOVA / DC is welcome.
prolly champs, my teams are 4-0-1 there so I'm not gonna chance it....they better have freakin 50 cent pbr though!!!!
America wins in Beer hands down no one loves beer like America loves beer I mean we have 27 trillion microbrewers for god's sake
I'm just going to leave this here...
Congratulations. You gotta thousand legs
anyone else think that this post title works well as a summary of the game?
Sad, but true. At least the first half.
Points for linking smurfs to communists since that's what they are. Dirty little blue communists.
Hey! Quit waffling between US & Belgium beer!
US had a great chance of defeating Belgium towards the end of regulation if Chris Wondolowski didnt miss a wide open scoring chance . Altidore or Dempsey would have scored.
for all purposes no i did not drink a blue moon yesterday...ill chalk that up as to why we lost. My bad guys
That's ok. Here, enjoy a cold refreshing Amstel Light
