The college football preseason is littered with "experts" and amateur prognosticators filling the airwaves and interwebs with predictions for the upcoming season. With the exception of Phil Steele, these people don't have a personal crystal ball to look into. More egregious is their lack of research and the overwhelming level of subjectivity that pollutes their predictions.
At The Key Play, we try to stay away from that level of nonsense by doing yeoman's work to bring you the best, most accurate and surefire previews and analysis. TheFifthFuller and I have been fielding hundreds of requests from Hokie fans over the past few weeks1 asking us to save them from biased opinions, and to publish a true assessment for the 2014 season.
Ask and you shall receive, #HokieNation. Ask and you shall receive.
Based on our highly scientific and wholly objective analysis, we have identified a number of key data points for every Virginia Tech opponent that we believe sways the competitive balance of each matchup. These intangibles are presented in detail below, and as you will see, they illustrate how the Hokies could experience an unprecedented level of success this season.
William & Mary
William & Mary is one of the oldest institutions of higher education in the country, and with that history comes a lengthy list of notable alumni. Numerous political figures, including four U.S. Presidents such as George Washington, James Monroe and Thomas Jefferson, graduated from W&M. But let's be honest, we have already devalued one Jeffersonian university into an afterthought, so let's at least give the Tribe a chance by finding a relevant alumnus to evaluate against our beloved Hokies.
Jon Leibowitz Stewart played soccer for the Tribe in the early 1980's, though you may know him for his starring role as Adam Sandler's roommate in Big Daddy. Oh, and he also hosts the Daily Show. You might have heard of it. Okay, so W&M's most relevant alum was a soccer player who makes people laugh for a living.
VT's most famous and relevant alum is arguably none other than Mr. Homer Hickam. Homer grew up in Coalwood, West Virginia. As the name of his hometown implies, his aspirations of traveling upward were diametrically opposed to a local industry focused on traveling below ground. Homer Hickam helped take us to outer space. SPACE. S-P-A-C-E. There is no greater human achievement than space. You can't beat space. You gonna pick jokey man over GUY WHO TOOK US TO SPACE? That's like having the opportunity to start a dream rock band, and choosing Bobcat Goldthwait as your frontman over Prince. The Hubbell Telescope is still sending us pictures because of Homer.
Hokies Record: (1-0; 0-0)
Ohio State
This is an easy one. Frank Beamer has NEVER lost a football game in the state of Ohio as head coach of Virginia Tech, going 2-0 during his tenure. Ergo, he can NOT lose in the state of Ohio. I think that's how statistics work...
Hokies Record: (2-0; 0-0)
East Carolina
In November, ECU declared that they were the best program in the state of North Carolina. Lest we all forget, Beamer OWNS North Carolina, going 31-5 against North Carolina teams since joining the ACC. So, congrats, that just means you're Frank's favorite pet.
Hokies Record: (3-0; 0-0)
Georgia Tech
A brief compare and contrast between Georgia Tech fans and Virginia Tech fans would be appropriate here.
vs.
Moving on...
Hokies Record: (4-0; 1-0)
Western Michigan
Fun Fact: Did you know that Western Michigan's nickname was the Waldos until 1988?2 They were originally named after the university's founder, Dwight B. Waldo, but after the popularization of the children's book "Where's Waldo" in the United States in 1987, they decided to change their name to copy a successful sports team: The Broncos.3
Hokies Record: (5-0; 1-0)
North Carolina
Sure, UNC-Chapel Hill may have been the first public institution in the nation, but their puny 729 acre campus is dwarfed by the 2,600 acres of beautiful, rolling southwest Virginia countryside that characterizes Tech's campus. Much like Third and Logan, size matters.
Hokies Record: (6-0; 2-0)
Pittsburgh
Pitt's Chad Voytik has taken his first snaps in practice as the new starting quarterba...and, Dadi just sacked him.
Hokies Record: (7-0; 3-0)
Miami
This can be solved with a single question: fourth-down-and-short. Who would you rather have carrying the rock for your squad?
Hokies Record: (8-0; 4-0)
Boston College
BC's most iconic architectural element is its stained glass. Hokie Stone is easily Tech's most significant character defining feature of Tech's entire campus. There is a reason why the game isn't called "Rock, Glass, Scissors." Rock beats glass every time. And if rock doesn't beat glass the first time, it most certainly beats it the second time in the ACC Championship game.4
Oh, and Andre Williams plays in the NFL now, so we can collectively breathe a sigh of relief.
Hokies Record: (9-0; 5-0)
Duke
The edge in this matchup can be easily discerned by playing a simple game we like to call, "Things That Were Real Things The Last Time Duke Beat Virginia Tech Twice In A Row", a.k.a. "If You Think Duke Will Beat Us Again This Year You Are Out Of Yo Damn Mind":
- Harry S. Truman was President (Dwight Eisenhower was still just a pretty good general).
- America was still detonating nuclear weapons in Nevada just to taunt Russia.
- Tony Danza, Ace Frehley, Dale Earnhardt and Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) were less than six months old.
- I Love Lucy premiered that week.
- Frank Beamer had turned five years old two days earlier and was probably having a bitchin birthday party
- Kendall Fuller had not yet vowed to double his single game interception record
Hokies Record: (10-0; 6-0)
Wake Forest
For those that aren't aware, Wake Forest plays at BB&T Field which was built as a virtual twin of Lane Stadium. However, in the intervening decades, Virginia Tech expanded Lane Stadium to hold over 65,000 people, more than double BB&T Field's capacity of 31,500. In addition to that, on several Saturdays every fall, Lane Stadium doubles as an artillery range. Wake Forest trots out some crazy looking old guy who looks like he got lost on his way home from a vaudeville show. They are literally bringing a guy in a top hat and a bow tie to a cannon fight.
Hokies Record: (11-0; 7-0)
Virginia
Despite 10 straight victories in the matchup, offensively the Hokies will be hard pressed to put together sustained drives against Virginia's Third Down Defense, tops in the nation in 2013 and the most important defensive statistical category OF ALL TIME. Wait, it wasn't No. 1 in the nation last season? You're saying it was 23 points (.320) worse than the Hokies (.297)? Oh, okay...nevermind.
Hokies Record: (12-0; 8-0)
As you can see, our next level research forecasts this football season could be one to remember. The beauty of this analysis is that it removes the common reliance on lucky breaks and widespread mayhem from its prediction model. Buckle up #HokieNation.
1We haven't.
2Seems that we finally found Waldo...bonus points for the person who thought to look in Kalamazoo.
3Absolutely none of this is true, but it would be pretty awesome if it was.
4Is it weird that I envision Jeff Jagodzinski sitting alone in a dark basement replaying that Matt "Bleepin'" Ryan TD Pass over and over again? It is? Oh, okay...
Comments
Nearly lost my coffee all over my computer screen when reading the Pitt entry. Well done!
Snorting coffee myself- Dadi just sacked him! Blah- Happy Tuesday Bro!
Isn't it Wednesday?
Dadi hit him so hard he went back in time.
That statement would have a much different feel to it outside of this website haha.
I keep thinking that those two Waldos are holding hands.
After watching that GT intro and reading those comments I was waiting to see Kyle Fuller smack the ball out of GT's QB's hands on the first play.....ah well. But do those people know the record that we have against PJ and GT since he's been there?? Great morning read though.
And in all honesty every time I hear him called PJ I think of Prince John or "PJ" from Disney's Robin Hood. I imagine that his week against VT goes something like this.
Seeing it's game week against VT while talking to his assistant...
watching Bud's D dismantle and stiffle the tripple option during the game...
and finally here he is after losing to VT....again....
I'M SOLD!!!
I like the hype. Its about about time VT go undefeated.The games still have to be played & decided on field. .
I think we can go undefeated every season if VT STOPS PLAYING TO THE LEVEL OF ITS OPPONENT. and stops "letting off the gas" when we go up by 1 td.
Not just a chance. It's practically science.
Excellent. Bravo.
Now if I could....just...find a place to...hit you with a turkey leg...
I have no idea how you did this or where it's from, but I believe in you.
THIS JUST IN: you're winning the internet
Best in depth analysis EVER!!!
I too work on beer logic! Not only have I never projected a loss, I've also never actually seen one!
If you're too drunk to see/remember a loss it didn't actually happen. I also work on this logic.
My favorite line of the whole thing. I can't see where your logic is flawed anywhere, so I guess that means I'll expect 12-0.
We have already devalued one Jeffersonian university into an afterthought
Lets do the same to the Tribe to show them that in HokieNation we believe in the equality of all men, unless you are a Cavalier or Tribe.
when you say "unless you are a Cavalier or a tribe" that would mean that some cavaliers are men...
winning -well done sir.
whoa, that is my entry in the mascot mock a few years ago. how the heck did you did up that thing?!
http://www.thekeyplay.com/comment/6718#comment-6718
im not taking credit for it. i just googled ballerina cavalier and it came up
Nobody makes us bleed our own blood. NOBODY!
Well crap, you took all the suspense out of the games.
Instead of just hoping we will win, we know we will win.
The original idea of just showing a picture of Kendall Fuller after each opponent seemed overly simplistic. Philly wanted to, ya know, ANALYZE.
I give this a 10 out of 10.
It would have been an 11 had you incorporated #punterswag somewhere.
We have #punterswag. We go to 11.
OMG..this just made me really super excited for anOSU's "Foe"Rensics
Homer Hickham read your post. That's pretty cool.
Chris Kraft also is the one who donated the moon rock in the COE office. If you haven't seen it, go check it out in Torg.
For those of you who don't know who Chris Kraft is, he was NASA's first flight director (guy in charge of the missions) and later the director of the Manned Spacecraft Center (Johnson Space Center) in Houston (i.e., the place in "Houston, we have a problem" from the Apollo 13 mission). You can see for yourself here: Chris Kraft
A pretty impressive Hokie, if you ask (an admittedly bias) me.
What do you think was more flattering for Homer? Being featured on Thekeyplay or launching Jake Gyllenhaal's career?
Kickstarter to get Homer Hickam in a Horse On a Treadmill shirt. I bet Joe could make one with the treadmill in space.
I think we need to incorporate Skipper in the shirt.
Let's get this straight, Hickham:
- Goes to greatest university in the US
- Helps build one of the iconic traditions of said university
- Goes on to launch things into space
- Writes best selling books
- Launches Jake Gyllenhaal's career.
that is a bad ass resume.
Skipper firing a HokieBird astronaut into space
Joe, you need to get Homer a complementary membership to TKP.....oh...wait...yeah, forgot it IS free!
Homer's the bomb diggity! One of my favorite authors. Best known of course for "Rocket Boys" aka "October Sky", but "Torpedo Junction" will scare the living daylights out of you. And IIRC, his older brother, Jim, was a Hokie football player in the early '60's. So yeah, I'd buy him a HOAT shirt.
Oh how cute, NC State and ECU have created logos to say they own the state. Hey, look... I can do that, too!
Though, judging based on our record against teams from NC, this one is more based in reality than the others
I think there was one year, 2010 I think, during which VT beat all 5 FBS teams in North Carolina.
As a Hokie living in North Carolina, I really want this in car magnet, sticker or license plate form!
why not all three?
+1! I like the way you think.
Long story short... Unfortunately, that just will never happen, at least not with the current limits set by our licensing dept.
I like this, the logic is undeniable!!! Undefeated hokies has a nice ring to it.
The UVA football edition of where's Waldo is out..Waldo is always in the endzone. Still looking.......
14-0 Go Hokies!
Well, we're undefeated so far this season, and since there's more than a decent chance of winning the opener, I believe you are right, sir.
I can't fault your logic, guess i will start looking for ACCCG and playoff tickets...