Hello. If you weren't already aware, Virginia Tech is preparing to take part in the 2014 college football season, a program record 121st season. If you're new to this site or happily avoided anything I wrote last season, "Foe"Rensics is a preview where we go INSIDE opposing programs to give you all the information you need to be a successful Hokie fan. We don't deal with pedestrian things like what kind of offense they run or who their best players are, we deal with the critical information. Examples: who has weird names on their roster and what made up origin story fits their school best.
1. Who is our first opponent?
A. The College of William and Mary. They are actually a Division I-AA school, but due to the strength of I-AA football in the Commonwealth of Virginia, they, along with Richmond and James Madison, are the only real in-state competition Virginia Tech has.
This is a really stupid way to advertise for a university
2. Tell me a little about them.
A. Contrary to popular belief, William & Mary are not named for the 17th century British monarchs, but actually for the Virgin Mary to recognize the fact that every alum has graduated from William and Mary as a virgin, be that through personal preference or otherwise. Interestingly, the "William" part was added only in 1984 in honor of William Shatner who has absolutely to do with the university or Williamsburg; the University President at the time was, unsurprisingly, just a really big Star Trek fan.
William and Mary was originally founded as the historical equivalent of an online university, selling surveyor licenses and doctorates through the mail across the New World. After realizing they could operate legitimately and be funded from the colony of Virginia through tobacco taxes and the fur trade, they went legit in 1693. Ever since, they have been rather obnoxious about being the oldest public college in the US1. Alumni tend to bounce between crowing about "The Alma Mater of a Nation" and "Oldest Public Ivy", depending on how quickly they want to get punched in the face.
3. Do they play football?
A. Yes! William & Mary have been an up and down team for a while, making the I-AA playoffs three times in the last ten years (advancing to the semifinals twice) and other seasons during that time posting win totals of 5, 4, 3 and 2. It's fascinating to me, but Head Coach Jimmye2 Laycock has been in Williamsburg longer than Frank has been in Blacksburg, entering his 35th season as head coach. Laycock's survival through those 3 and 2 win seasons exemplifies what many Hokies fear; a head coach that has been there so long that those kind of seasons don't get him fired. The expense of hiring movers to haul all the old junk out of his office simply outweigh the benefits of winning.
4. Do they have a fearsome mascot, like a slow moving amphibian or a tropical fish?
A. Indeed. William and Mary have had several mascots historically, including at one point a 17 foot alligator named Cal. While they are known as the Tribe, their actual mascot is a Griffin, a mythical creature that lives in Harry Potter books, In fact, they are currently in an ongoing battle with the NCAA to allow their football team to dress like this:
They wisely decided against the broomsticks, understanding that would only anger Kyshoen Jarrett
5. Do they have players on their football team?
A. It appears that they do. Some of the highlights include safety Keanu Reuben who, based on his age, has parents who clearly saw Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, Point Break and Speed and decided THAT was the guy to name their kid after. The inventor of and namesake of false labor, Braxton Hicks, will line up at defensive end. In addition, landed gentry in Baron3 Goodman will be attempting to keep Dadi from destroying their quarterback.
But remember, this is a humble D I-AA roster. Just some good ol boys, never meanin' no harm. Of course, they aren't all alter boys; some of them have been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. But hey, they're making their way the only way they know how, even if that's just a little bit more than the law will allow.
Really, the only way they're going to run on this defense is if the running back is driving the General Lee. Sadly, Daisy and her shorts are nowhere to be found on the roster.
6. Any Fullers?
A. Nope. The closest they come is a Fullum, who is also from Maryland, just like the Fullers. But, his bio indicates he "enjoys lifting weights and playing video games", in stark contrast to the Fullers who all enjoy being awesome, making demoralizing interceptions and scoring touchdowns.
7. Do they have any good rivalries?
A. Yes, they play Richmond every year to determine who is the best team in Virginia after the Hokies. This is now known as the Capital Cup, a name selected to ensure that attempting to Google this rivalry will only return results for a knockout competition in English soccer. Since you've probably never heard of this rivalry before, the only history I'd like to highlight is that there was such a dearth of good football competition within reasonable distance of Richmond that they used to play twice and sometimes three times a year. The highlight has to be 1905, where they played three times within a month, which included a 0-0 tie and a 4-0 Gryffindor win.
8. That's kind of lame.
A. Yeah.
9. Is that the best they got?
A. No! They also have a fabricated rivalry with Old Dominion, who didn't have a football team until 20094. The two teams have played an annual grudge match for three years, until ODU moved up to Division I-A last month. Now the rivalry is over. BUT, the name of the game was the Battle for the Silver Mace, which totally got me jazzed thinking they were playing for one of these things:
These would also both be AWESOME mascot improvements for them
Sadly, it turns out they are actually playing for a replica of the Norfolk Mace, which is incredibly lame and stupid.
That isn't even a weapon! At least, not a very effective one.
10. Okay, I'm not impressed with any of this so far. Do they have any good alumni, so I can judge them as a school?
A. Unlike UNC and their pathetic clinging to James K. Polk, William and Mary boast THREE U.S. Presidents as alum; James Monroe, John Tyler and, to their eternal shame, Thomas Jefferson, who learned his money management skills there. In fact, doubling down on their disreputable past, they have an entire campaign attempting to claim the term of "Thomas Jefferson's College", trying to rival LOLUVA for being just the absolute worst.
11. Please stop before I throw up on my keyboard.
A. Okay, moving on. They've got Bill Lawrence, the guy who created Scrubs and Glenn Close, the scariest mistress in the history of the world, both solid. On the other hand, they also saddled us with Perry Ellis, Patton Oswalt and Seven Mary Three. As far as I can tell, still no one that sent people into space so all in all this is a negative.
12. Where should I eat while I'm there?
A. I'm here to help! I have actually eaten in Williamsburg before! The Cracker Barrel is quite nice. Of course, please don't actually go to Williamsburg this weekend, as the Gryffindors will be playing football in Blacksburg. But, if you do and you aren't down with fried okra and chicken fried steak, according to Google the best place to eat there is >The Chef's Kitchen. Let's read a review! Perhaps the most thorough comes from Todd S. of Redmond, WA via Yelp. Here are the highlights:
Delicious croutons. I thought the soup needed a touch more salt, but my parents were happy with the salt level.
That toasted pecan vinaigrette...daaaamn!
Jesus Christ in a chicken basket.
I licked my plate clean. Seriously.
Okay, I'm not comfortable with Todd's sanitary habits or his desire to eat divinity, but I DO value his salt and crouton opinions. He's never led me wrong on croutons before. Let's see what else he has to say.
I do not like corn bread.
Okay, screw this guy, WHO DOESN'T LIKE CORNBREAD?! EVIL PEOPLE, THAT'S WHO. What the actual hell is wrong with this guy?
13. Holy hell, he DOESN'T LIKE CORNBREAD?! Next thing you're going to say is he doesn't like barbecue. OH, great segue, where should I eat barbecue?
A. The consensus seems to be Pierce's PITT Bar-B-Que, although there was a wide disparity in the reviews, from 1 stars that impugned barbecue in the entire state of Virginia to 5 stars that impugned the 1 star reviewers as "jealous competitors". The highlight, however, was from A Google User, who wrote:
Great Food it taste. Like. Hevan best bbq in Virginia
This revuw. clearli was ritten bi a almnui Of. loluva or willum And mary
My only concern is that the name of the restaurant is Pierce's PITT Bar-B-Que. Does this signify some hidden and completely illogical allegiance to the school of Walt Harris and Dave Wannstedt? Is this secretly SPILLY'S RESTAURANT? Thankfully, it turns out it was down to a misspelling by the original signmaker, also a graduate of willum And mary.
14. Crowd sourced restaurant reviews at their finest. Back to football. Last year Logan Thomas had a publicly stated goal of throwing no more than five interceptions. Does Michael Brewer have something similar we should be tracking?
A. That's a great question. While Thomas was upfront about his measure of success despite his supporting cast, Brewer has the advantage of an (anticipated) improvement in the running game and an upgraded receiving corps that includes Isaiah Ford who is apparently going to catch 200 passes and 46 touchdowns per game, according to the internet. Brewer has yet to make any such public pronouncements.
On the flip side, there is one less Fuller patrolling the secondary to improve the FAINT count, which you may recall stands for Fuller Adjusted INTerceptions. While we could only speculate last season, intensive offseason research has revealed that Brandon Facyson is, in fact, a distant Fuller cousin and therefore any interceptions he pulls down will be included in the FAINT. That being said, I think it's reasonable to set a FAINT goal of -2. Any disagreements? Excellent!
15. Are we going to track the RAGE MATCH this year?
A. Ah, yes, the old Rage Match. After Dadi played like a man possessed against Pitt, we instituted the weekly Rage Match to determine who on the defensive line played most like one of Coach Foster's ideals for the position, a gorilla. We'll be closely watching the group this year, as Dadi, Maddy, Corey Marshall and the Kannibal are all expected to wreak havoc on a weekly basis.
16. Excellent. Finally, what will you be watching for this week?
A. Aside from if Jim-Yay! is as peppy as his name implies:
- If William and Mary are even willing to attempt a pass against this secondary. I sure as hell wouldn't.
- How much Ronny Vandyke plays or if Whip is going to continue to die its slow and painful death
- William and Mary's defense is supposed to be a bunch of hosses. Let's see how our offensive line performs against them.
- Who the hell will actually start at running back and how many Shane Beamer is actually going to play. I mean, at this point I'm expecting him to be pulling dudes wearing Ryan MF Williams jerseys out of the stands in the second half to be able to keep rotating.
- Who even cares, FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!!!!
Alright, that's it for the Gryffindors, we'll be back next week to take a look at an Ohio State University!
1This is a disputed claim, as they are the oldest university in the US that is now public. They were private until 1906 when their inability to manage their finances forced them onto the public dime
2Not a typo. It's pronounced "Jim-Yay!"
3The best they could do was a Baron? It feels like every team we played last year had at least a Marquis.
4Okay, they apparently used to have a team back in the day, who accidentally played Miami in 1932 when they mailed an invitation to William and Mary to the wrong place
Comments
Well done sir, I agree Facyson should be added to the FAINT stat. The season can officially begin with TheFifthFuller's first "Foe"Rensics of the 2014 campaign!
Ok, now it is definitely football season!
True! Most football games are decided before the players even take the court.
I am very not disappoint
You sir just started off my day on the right foot. Also, Pierce's BBQ is amazing. Seriously.
I dyed at. teh peart. abowt teh revuw.
Yes, yes it is
Pierce's is actually pretty good. The meat is properly cooked. The style is western Carolina so, if you are looking for eastern (vinegar hot pepper) this may not be your cup of tea. But, let me reiterate, they smoke it properly. Quite tender and smokey with some of the crunchy crust chopped into it.
Also, don't forget, Williamsburg is the Land Of Bruce Hornsby,
Do you like cornbread though?
I'm still having trouble getting over that. I don't know ANYBODY who doesn't like cornbread... and that's not an accident.
If you head a few miles north to Toano, I highly recommend Two Drummers Smokehouse for some good barbecue. They're a relatively new place (been open for about a year) but their food is awesome. And they make their own pork rinds.
I did not know that.
Unfortunately, my home in Roanoke means I can bypass the morass of rt 64 in my travels to the southside.
I'll be sure to check that out though, the next time I am heading to Williamsburg for business.
Another vote for Two Drummers, here.
Great BBQ. They often have a special-of-the-day worth checking out (fried catfish, flounder, various beef dishes).
Get the pecan pie for dessert.
I think it is better than Pierces. Plus, the owner is cool.
No insult intended, as I've not visited Two Drummers, but in my entire life, the best 80% of barbecue that I've eaten is at places that do BARBECUE, not a general array of dishes. Some of them might waste their time doing some other stuff, but the best focus on barbecue. That's the one complaint I have about Pierce's - they serve burgers & hot dogs. In their favor, you get the impression they do that portion of their menu as a concession for those whack job customers who insist on going to a place like Pierce's or Five Guys and whining because there's not much on the menu for them. Still, I think they should stick to what they do best. They wouldn't lose more than fractions of a percentage point of potential customers. So, what I'm saying, essentially is - 'Who goes to a barbecue joint for fish?'
I've only met Jason once or twice, but I've known Jon for a few years through his time as a musician. He is one of the most hilarious, nicest and generally most awesome people I've ever met.
Took your rec and had Two Drummers for dinner on the way home from OBX tonight. That was good shit. Mrs TFF was sold as soon she heard about the fresh pork rinds. Those were excellent, my kids destroyed the bbq Cubans and the pulled pork was the best I've had in a restaurant in a while. Thanks!
Just now saw this. Glad it got the Fuller stamp of approval!
Pierce's is VERY good. For any cynic, simply lower your windows as you near their parking lot, and you get the distinct aroma of woodsmoke combined with cooked pork. They do provide a nice 'outside NorthCarolina' representation of barbecue. Like you mentioned, it is western NC style, and well served. I try to hit them up at least a couple of times annually, despite being quite a distance away. As for W&M, they also have an alum by the name of Jon Stewart.
I love me some Pierce's BBQ! Also, there are plenty of good places to eat in Williamsburg. DOG Street pub has a great craft beer selection on tap (no mainstream "Bud Light" beers) and good food as well. The Cheese Shop is another fan favorite. The Chef's Kitchen is really good, but you need to have $100 a person to eat there and schedule an appointment ahead of time since it's basically a cooking class/show. The Trelis, Blue Talon, plenty of good Mexican places. Not short on restaurants in Williamsburg, that's for sure!
I see what you did there!
This made my Tuesday morning. Now I really can't wait until Saturday for some FOOTBALL!
I missed these so much. Well done, as always - great laugh!
Ha ha.
'Braxton Hicks.'
Nice catch.
00:00:00–00:06:00
Oh man I totally forgot about "Foe"rensics. So happy to pull this up this morning.
Also, I must admit-- I don't like cornbread. Or, let me be more specific: I don't like bad cornbread, and there's a lot of bad cornbread.
Best cornbread I ever had, Croaker's Spot in the Jackson Ward area of Richmond.
They call it a Basket of Love.
Food Network was there for a partial episode for the cornbread.
I designated their cornbread as honorary pie.
You mean this place?
http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/49/530510/restaurant/Old-South/Croakers-Spot...
If so, then yes. I second their Cornbread as honorary Cake.
Yes, that sounds about right. I like cornbread slightly sweet and definitely not dry.
Cornbread should never be even slightly sweet, unless you're a yankee. Southern cornbread doesn't contain sugar. It just doesn't. Oh, sure, fine dining places with their Nouveaux Southern Cuisine might have some interpretation, but traditional cornbread, which is southern by nature, doesn't contain sugar. http://seriouseats.com/2014/08/why-southern-cornbread-shouldnt-have-suga...
The article isn't saying that cornbread shouldn't be slightly sweet. It is saying that the sweetness should come naturally from the corn and not from added sugar.
Fair enough. I may be a yankee, then. ;)
No biggie either way! I just saw that article recently and found it interesting. Cornbread, like biscuits, barbecue and some other Southern heritage dishes is always a source of contention and frequent discussion. Iced tea, there's another one that will start an argument in certain circles. It's all good. Just a lightly humorous jab at you, that's all. Leg up.
Looks like we're adding Sugar Vs. Non-Sugar cornbread to the debate list.
Nah, it doesn't reach that high. Now if you want to talk gelato vs ice cream...
Forgot about . . . "Foe"rensics?
I wonder if William and Mary still offers Physics for Poets?
My freshman year there I took "Great Ideas of Physics". It was also taught by the head of the Physics Department and was the easiest class I ever had.
Must be the same class. Patton might have taken some liberties to make his bit funnier.
Absolutely lost it - well done Fifth!
Forwarding to every Hokie on my email list.
When I asked in a thread a few weeks ago if you were still gonna do Foerensics I never got an answer. Your silence was deafening and I was legitimately worried. I loled at my desk on the first line about the school record 121st season. Bravo.
Same here. Led us off to the 2014 season right where he left off.
Any chance Carr is a distant Fuller Cousin. Carr has two r's like Fuller has two l's so it cannot be a coincidence! #DBU
My thesis advisor was a Fuller! But he was a surfer from Australia, so I'm not sure he counts.
Can there be such a thing as a Fuller that doesn't count?
Good point. And good grief, he's still there!
https://www.val.me.vt.edu/content/chris-fuller
Now, he's no football player, but serious surfing is pretty bada$$. And Dr. Fuller was very serious about his surfing. So just think -- our next Fuller could be right there in Randolph Hall, right now! Plus he says fun Aussie things like "G'day, mate" so there's that.
The only other thing I'd like to add is that if you love pancakes, you'd love Williamsburg because there is a pancake house on EVERY EFFING CORNER! Remember that Canadian maple syrup shortage? The real reason for the shortage was because it was being syrup bonged by this town.
Out of my way!
It's time to eat some pancakes!!!
After the game, they be like:
You mean like this...
Ah yes: The great "antsy in the pantsy" outbreak of 2012.
Great stuff Mr. Fuller.
Although I felt like there weren't enough footnotes, and for the life of me, I can't see how you left out mentioning their All Div 2A Seeker, D'Jasper.
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whooo im ready for some football!!!!!
lol you should have shown the Silver Mace trophy as a comparison to the real thing...
Real Mace:
Trophy:
lol... it looks like a banniser pole that someone ripped out of their home and then fashioned a few pieces of corrugated metal to the top. Its so sad its funny.
I think I'm most impressed that you found (nearly) the entire Duke's of Hazzard cast in the roster. Is that something you just accidentally noticed or a standard check for all your roster evaluations?
And is this a thing at W&M?
Who has the lunch pail now?
I needed that. I was starting to take the beginning of VT football way too seriously.
Gosh I love these...
Hey FifthFuller,
Great work! My guess is that no one else in the country has made the connection between Dukes of Hazzard (which interestingly was used as instructional videos in our driver's ed class) and our opponent this week.
...cheerleading captain back in the day.
Wait who is that?
Please, let me translate for you:
What did you Google to find this picture? Do I even want to know?
He's a brony, soooooo
Ohhhh WORD!
You mean you don't recognize Daisy Dukes!?!?
No. This stallion was born in 1982.
But...but...Daisy Dukes. Hottie
The 70's were one heck of a time to be a teen boy. Between Farrah, Catherine Bach, Suzanne Somers, Valerie Bertinelli, Adrienne Barbeau, Lynda Carter, Linda Ronstadt, Stevie Nicks, et.al. Wow!
She used to drive a jeep. Not as cool as your car, I suspect, but still with her at the wheel it was pretty sweet.
Is this your daily driver?
Must be HOAT's cousin, Horse on a Treadmill In a Bubble.
Or the horse version of the pope mobile...
Pretty sure the Papal Horse and HOaTiaB just lease it from this filly:
Oh shoot, WonderMare. I love the skin tight uniform.
Actually it's a little bit of both. That's the Horse Pope and he's got an immunodeficiency disorder, so they have to keep him in the bubble.
It actually works out pretty well since they have to take him a lot of places to see all the horse faithful.
So I guess there can't be too many neigh-sayers among the horse faithful.
I'll see myself out.
And just in, the 2015 Hybrids!
Leg up, so to speak, for the orange bikini top.
The University of Richmond currently holds the Capital Cup (for the second straight year).
Therefore, the University of Richmond is currently the best team in Commonwealth after the Hokies.
TheFifthFuller, I like your logic.
RAY RAY FOR RICHMOND.
What a great start to the season. Very funny!!!
So, as a graduate of The College of William & Mary in Virginia I know who I will be rooting for on Saturday--Virginia Tech! I grew up in a Hokie household, so this comes naturally to me. My husband who has his masters in IEOR from Tech is threatening to take pity on the Tribe, cheering them on as he knows where my loyalties truly lie.
To add to your "Foe"rensic understanding of William & Mary, consider that Williamsburg is a great place to get your start in football--and move on! Lawrence Taylor is from Williamsburg. Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin went to W&M. But, my favorite local ties went on to make a big difference at Virginia Tech. Bryan Randall grew up in Billsburg before lighting up Lane, and former VT coach Jim Cavanaugh played his college ball at W&M. Jim did a lot to secure Tech's preeminent spot in state high school recruiting. I remember talking to him years ago while Tyrod was being recruited. He reassured me that we would get him without breaking any rules in telling me that. I miss Jim and his candor!
For"Rensics" officially marks the beginning of the 2014 season. T-minus 4 days, and speaking of which...
Like he's on a pogo.
He IS a pogo.
I wouldnt mind the Hokies putting 50 points against William & Mary on Saturday. Then the coaches can get back to being friends after the game.
AND HE'S BACK!!! Damn I missed this! Btw, you should totally change your username to FifthOfFuller.
"Foe"Rensics is back!
I feel like the argument over "oldest" college in America went like this.
FEEEEEENY!!!!!
Love me some "Foe"Rensics. I'm ready for the season to start now!!
I hope they play with this on the side of their helmets!!
