"Foe"Rensics: An Ohio State University

Hello. Welcome to this week's installment of the football equivalent of a CSI: Blacksburg episode. Or maybe NCIS, because we have a Corps of Cadets. Either way, we're going to bring you information about an Ohio State football team that NO ONE else will¹. Everyone strap in while I put on my David Caruso wig and make witty quips every time I drop Ohio knowledge bombs on you.

This is one of the first results when you Google image search "Columbus Ohio". What the hell, Columbus?

1. Before we move on to this week, what happened last week?

A. Turns out we basically have a brand new team on offense and the new guys are good at football. Brewer looked calm and collected², Marshawn Williams and Shai McKenzie ran like the entire William and Mary defense was the guy who knocked up their sister who they never see come around no more. Bucky Hodges was tall. Isaiah Ford and Cam Phillips are an excellent addition to the wide receiving corps. The goal line offense was...hey, Kendall Fuller did some awesome things too, huh?

2. UNDEFEATED, BABY.

A. Basically, my TKP staff prediction is more accurate at this point than everyone else's, because I've got the loss column correct so far.

3. Okay. Who are we playing this week?

A. An Ohio State University, specifically the one in Columbus. See, this is confusing because there are actually (according to Wikipedia) 42 public colleges and universities (including branch campuses) in Ohio, which is a State. Moreover, there are actually SEVEN different Ohio States, but to make sure you don't get confused, the Ohio States in Lima, Mansfield, Marion, Newark, Delaware and Wooster do not field football teams. So today and on Saturday, we will be dealing exclusively with the Columbus edition of Ohio State.

Columbussians are a friendly people who wave to strangers with...wait

4. Huh. So why is there anOSU?

A. Great question. AnOSU was originally founded simply as an educational course to teach people in Columbus to stop eating the nuts found on the Ohio Buckeye trees, because they are poisonous and had killed half of the population of the city. Realizing that the poor people of Ohio would need more than a simple "Don't eat that, it'll kill you" class, they eventually expanded to a four-year college to drive the lesson home, originally known as Don't Eat Buckeye Nuts, Idiots Institute (DEBNII). Sadly, then Governor (and future President) Rutherford B. Hayes intervened and DEBNII lost its way, seduced by the glamor of adding colleges focusing on dentistry and optometry. Not only was an anOSU grad responsible for inventing the glaucoma test where they shoot that damn puff of air into your eye, they also invented the tool they use to scrape your teeth at cleanings, the dental drill and the hygienist that makes you feel guilty as hell for not flossing enough.

5. Really?

A. I mean, it sounds plausible.

6. Do they play football?

A. They do, although that was relatively recent development. Originally, anOSU was a midwest powerhouse at horseshoes. They constructed an enormous venue to accommodate all their fans (frankly there ain't nothing else to do in Ohio) in the shape of a giant, you guessed it, horseshoe. It eventually expanded to over 100,000 seats. When they realized there was a whole lot more money to be made selling TV rights for football, they started up a program in 1971 and hired a crotchety old bastard named Woody Hayes who was their coach until he punched a Clemson player during a game.

7. Seriously? He punched a Clemson player?

A. Yup. Don't we wish we all could.

8. SERIOUSLY. Do they have an intimidating mascot, like an angry sheep or a Harry Potter mythological creature?

A. To commemorate the origins of the school, they adopted the buckeye as their mascot. They have a guy who dresses up as an angry looking poisonous nut and they named him Brutus which is supposed to be super intimidating, so please act at least mildly annoyed if you see him.

Brutus looks like someone just told him his puppy died because it licked him

9. Weird. Any other traditions we should be aware of?

Yes. Probably the most famous one is when the entire band learned cursive and proudly spelled "OHOI"³ before a game. One of the tuba players was confused and lost and ran out at the very last minute to be the "dot" over the I, which the band then adopted as a "tradition" to make it appear like it was on purpose.

They're still super proud of this, as portrayed in this completely undoctored photo

10. Do they have players on their football team?

A. Yes. Dadi will be attempting to destroy freshman quarterback J.T. Barrett, named for Justin Timberlake. In other musical news, freshman linebacker Raekwon McMillan will be hoping to see the field, and Urban Meyer has high hopes to sign his younger brothers Shaolin, Inspectah, and Ghostface.

11. Any Fullers?

A. Nope.

12. How about a coach?

A. Indeed, they are coached by Urban Meyer, or "Sub" Urban Meyer as he was nicknamed in college because he could never crack the starting lineup when he played at Cincinnati.

13. That's a terrible nickname. What about rivalries?

A. Yes! AnOSU plays Illinois for the famed Illibuck, which is a carved wooden turtle. Back in the day, they played for a real live turtle, selected for its long life span. Of course, that turtle died two years later after some anOSU undergrads fed it buckeye nuts.

While I CAN fault his taste, I cannot fault his method of relaxation. (via ElevenWarriors.com)

14. That's it? Their best rival is two states away and they play for a turtle?

A. Well, they also play Michigan every year. That rivalry was already intense when that crotchety old bastard Woody Hayes really fanned the flames referring to Michigan as "that team up north". Apparently he had a hatred of the entire state of Michigan fueled entirely by a Ford Fairlane he had bought years before; a lemon. During the time when both he and Michigan coach Bo Schembechler⁴ coached the rivalry was known as The Ten Year War. Hostilities ended with Hayes's firing. Both schools were sanctioned by the UN economically which eventually led to the collapse of the American auto industry.

15. Any good alumni?

A. AnOSU has been represented in the wider world by a variety of alumni, including noted humanist Bobby Knight and Good Samaritan George Steinbrenner. But one of their most famous representatives (though not an alum) is the bow tie-wearing,Jim Tressel-ass-kissing, money-grabbing former president Gordon Gee who was forced to resign from anOSU after making disparaging remarks about Catholics before a Notre Dame-anOSU game. But what I DIDN'T know, aside from the fact that Gee is now in charge of The Cousins and started a furniture company so he could profit off of couch burning, is that he has been tons of places and is hated by people in almost all of them. The exception, of course, is Brown University. Though he spent only two years there before bolting for Vandy, they hold him in their hearts so deeply that they have erected a structure in his honor:

Though the portraits they hung of him are in an unusually low place

16. Then he's finally in a place he deserves. Hey, I plan to be hungry in Columbus, should I eat there?

A. Great news! I've been to Columbus! I ate while I was there! I met the mayor accidentally⁵! And while the Korean restaurant we ate at was so good that we went back a week later despite my friend getting violently ill the first time, I'm going to consult Google for recommendations. And Google is telling me that the highest rated restaurant there, is Yannis Greek Grill and Take Out. Matthew Perry apparently took time out from his successful post-Friends career to leave this extremely excited review:

IT WAS SO GOOD ILL NEVER FORGET HOW GOOD AND NICE EVERYONE WAS THE GIRL THAT CASHED ME OUT WAS SO GREAT I THINK HER NAME IS PRISCILLA GOOD JOB YOU DESERVE A RAISE GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE AND FUNNY THANK YOU PRISCILLA AND YANNIS SO GREAT THE BOTH OF YOU!!!!!

Now I'm waiting for six months of heavy promotion for a new sitcom about a girl named Priscilla who works in a Greek restaurant and the awkward but "funny" guy that is in awkward love with her that will be on the air for six awkward episodes before it's cancelled.

17. The best part will be the people that will argue the rest of us don't appreciate good comedy. What about barbecue?

A. Well, despite anOSU being located up north, they do, indeed, serve barbecue. The best place seems to be City Barbeque, which is actually a chain throughout the midwest (and one location in Cary, NC). I withhold judgement on chains, considering Smithfield's is the best barbecue in Wilmington, NC. In the reviews, there was an uncomfortable amount of focus on the brisket, but someone said "vinegar slaw" and I was sold. But perhaps the best review from A Google User:

You get exactly what you should out of this place. They start cooking early! Can smell the delicious meats from my apartment. Great corn bread, saves lives.

Oh, thank God. Not only have we moved on from someone who doesn't like cornbread, we have found LIFE SAVING CORNBREAD. But I'm curious...does it hold magical healing powers like the Holy Grail from Indiana Jones? Is it a trained paramedic? Are there hidden Life Alert pendants inside the cornbread? Inquiring minds want to know.

18. What better place to serve life saving food than a place that also serves artery clogging food? Tell me about the FAINT count.

A. Well. Michael Brewer is going to have to eat a tipped-ball interception since neither Kendall or Brandon offset it with their own pick. That's not surprising since William and Mary only completed 9 passes when Cluley wasn't on his backside. I'm almost tempted to give Kendall credit for a FAINT on this ridiculous play.

Watching a Fuller play football is ecstasy on earth

But I think Kendall and Kyle and Corey and Vincent would agree: we hold Fullers to a higher standard. That will simply be a pass defensed, not a FAINT. The FAINT count stands at 1, so far exceeding the season goal of -2.

19. Speaking of Cluley on his backside, how was the defensive line?

A. Well, I was going to go outside the box and award it to Kendall Fuller for his sack, but again, Fuller standards would require that he record 8 sacks before he is eligible. However, I am going to stay outside the box and recognize Chase Williams for his two sacks and forced fumble as well as his excellent celebration after the second sack where he indicated that there was an incomplete pass.

20. Excellent. Finally, what will you be watching for this week?

A. Aside from ensuring that no one eats any sad, poisonous nuts, here's what I'm keeping an eye on:

• If Brewer and Loeffler can take advantage of a suspect secondary;
• How badly Bud is going to eviscerate a young o-line and freshman quarterback;
• The Columbus police scanner to see if any Hokies I know need bail Saturday night;
• If Beamer is going to pull the starters early to avoid running up the score;
• How our backups play late against a B1G school as a warmup to the ACC slate.

Alright, that's it for anOSU, join us again next week as we take a slightly modified approach for East Carolina.

¹Mostly because no one cares about this stuff and/or because I made it up
²And slightly short, needs to be said
³They learned cursive, they didn't learn how to spell
⁴I totally spelled that right the first time WITHOUT LOOKING. BOOSH.
⁵Seriously, I was waiting at security to enter in a Federal building there and he came in with his entourage and thought my coworker and I were the welcoming committee. He got really confused when we just shook his hand and didn't start a tour.