"Foe"Rensics: Citizen Cane

Hello. Welcome back to "Foe"rensics, where we make jokes to ease the pain of following this football team, while at the same time providing a safe environment for a doctoral level education.

1. Hello, yourself. Did we play a football game last week?

A. No.

2. YOU LIE. YOU MADE ME ASK YOU DUMB QUESTIONS LAST WEEK SO I KNOW THERE WAS A GAME.

A. Oh, I'm not lying. We HAD a game, we just didn't play. Last week we were dropped in the Pitt of Karcoon, which is like the one from Return of the Jedi only it's filled with ketchup instead of a Sarlacc.

3. Ew, that sounds worse.

A. It is. During the game, we tried the innovative strategy of running routes on 3rd down that were well short of the 1st down marker. In a testament to his perseverance, when it didn't work the first half dozen times, Loeffler tried and tried again. And then we lost to Pitt. Again. And Frank justifiably did this:

I think I made that face like 47 times Thursday night

And I drank a lot, too, so winners all around. And, of course, keeping up with the CoastaLOL Division, everyone did the opposite of what you'd expect.

Will #Duke run away with the Coastal? Or is Operation All Teams 4-4 back on track? @HollyAnderson pic.twitter.com/pNav5iLbfI— CFB Leaderboard (@cfblb) October 19, 2014

4. Great, you really got me excited for the rest of the season. What's next?

A. This week we take on the fearsome Hurricanes, who are kind of a Category 2 this year. Not much damage, but plenty of blowing. They lost to Nebraska and looked terrible doing it, then they pwned Duke like David Wang does to a bunch of newbs in Call of Duty, which actually means something now. Then they got optioned to death by Paul Johnson. Well, if you want to learn more about the school, go here. If you'd like to learn how "Da U" stacks up against other iterations of "U", read on!

As a reminder, this is perfect image to encapsulate Miami football against the Hokies

5. Oh no.

A. The letter "U"

It's one of the hardest letters to define in the animal alphabet, most popularly portrayed by a fictitious animal, the unicorn¹. It came in an underwhelming 17 in the Letters Ranking, but that was in part attributable to its cursive form which doesn't matter because nobody writes in cursive anymore.

I have no idea why this is a Monster, but it's awesome

Winner: The letter "U"

6. Seems logical.

A. Cyrillic letter:

That looks like a U that's happy to see...nevermind

That awesome Russian letter that looks like a U with a cane is actually pronounced tse, because you never get what you think you're getting in Russia. Unless you're expecting vodka, because that's everywhere, including sippy cups².

Winner: Mother Russia

7. In Russia, vodka drinks you! Right? Guys? No? Ok.

A. Ewe

While not as delicious as pork, sheep are still a scrumptious alternative and far superior to any way you could prepare Ibis. Also, I get the feeling that Ibis is some sort of endangered or protected species, so you'd probably go to jail if you tried to cook one.

Look at you, standing there looking all yummy

Winner: Ewe

8. Now I'm hungry.

A. Mike London Correspondence

If only we could all express such depth of emotion so easily

Alright, you knew Miami had to win SOMETHING here.

Winner: Miami

9. Any last comparisons?

A. U God

He's makin devils cower to the Caucasus Mountains, INCIDENTALLY where they use the tse. This one's easy.

Winner: Wu-Tang Clan

10. Well, I think that settles it. How many Fullers do they have?

A. None, because no Fuller would ever defile themselves by going to Miami. They DID recruit a Ryan Williams and were tremendously disappointed to discover there is only ONE Ryan Mother F-ing Williams and he was always on the WINNING side of the Miami-VT game.

11. Any other roster notes?

A. Well, Miami has made a strong addition to their food portion of roster with Josh Bacon joining Corn Elder and Herb Waters. In addition, they also have guys with first names of Gray, TWO Hunters and a guy named Ronald Regula which is your reminder this is a very expensive private school.

12. What if I'm going to Miami? Any recommendations on things to do?

A. According to Google, you should head to Jungle Island. In fact, there are conveniently some reviews to help you decide! Let's hear from Gopi Chand Vadlakonda:

The animal collection is great, but the hosts are bad. And the aqua park gave my whole family body rash.

Sorry, that sounds like ANY trip to Miami. Counter point from Sernyo Francis Doku:

So nice

And rebuttal from David Mompoint because you GOTTA HEAR BOTH SIDES:

Bad

Huh. I wonder if Mike London helped him write that.

13. And what if I wanted to pursue a college degree in Miami?

A. Why the hell would you go to Miami for college? The brokest part of your life and you're going to spend it in a place where people won't look at you if don't look like you own a yacht. That's great planning right there. Let's hear from Frank Smith:

I went to University of Miami. It sucked. Big time. People were so lame, and the content taught was pointless.

Clearly no one introduced Frank to Nevin Shapiro. How about from A Google User:

Let me say this first and foremost: This school is ridiculously expensive. SUPER SUPER expensive. It's a party school. If you want to learn, there are better schools. I have friends that have been mugged here, I have family that has been harassed by the campus staff. I have nothing but rancour for this school.

I must say, by using the word "rancour" you out yourself as both a Brit and someone who did not get their education from da U.

14. How are our FAINTs looking?

A. Well, our very own BillDozer added an interesting twist to this, the Marshall Adjusted INTerception, or MAINT. When Corey Marshall picked off that pass, it really seemed that there are no limits to how far our defense is willing to go to bail out our offense. However, it did become clear Thursday night that we can't win if Brewer DOESN'T throw a pick, that game dropping us to 0-1 all time when he keeps his stat sheet clean. This one, however, I blame on the refs, as he had a COMPLETED pick in the end zone that they took away from him³. Oh well. Next week.

15. What should I be watching for this weekend?

A.I'm going to be honest. There is one thing, and one thing alone that I am looking for Thursday night. If it's there, I have no doubts we wreck shop and make Al Golden look like he's holding in a shart in the fourth quarter again. If not, well. We'll have to get by as best we can. Let me remind you that we are UNDEFEATED when we unleash upon Miami:

• #ALLMAROONEVERYTHING

Let it begin, LET IT BEGIN! GIVE IT TO ME ROSCOE!

¹Followed by Urchin (?!) and, my personal favorite, umbrella bird
²Seriously, they have a bottle and glasses at the door inside shops to get you drunk to spend more money
³ACC refs, amirite?