Hello. This is "Foe"Rensics, where we pretend we have a good football team, and make jokes so people think these are tears of laughter. Some weeks I'm more motivated to write these than others and I think you can guess what kind of week this is.
Is he happy or sad? Seriously, I have no idea.
1. Before you get to this week, how did we do last week?
A. Well, as one would expect from a Virginia Tech-Duke game, it was a battle of the ranked Coastal Division leader against the basement dwellers and, per usual, Virginia Tech won.
2. Wait, WHAT?!
A. Oh HELL YEAH! Duke ain't ranked no more, we doubled the number of sacks Duke allowed on the season and recovered the most awesomest fumble since the "Give it to me, Roscoe!" strip. That may have been the ugliest win I've seen from us in a loooooooong time, but we actually had some running lanes open up, J.C. Coleman (?!) looked like a man possessed running the ball. Which is good, because yet another running back is done for year1. At this point, do they actually have enough room in the training room to accommodate all of our injured players? Did they have to build a special annex just for our running backs?
3. Okay. Who's the next?
A. It's known today as Wake Forest University. It was originally founded in the middle of a forest, and it wasn't even a university. It was just a bunch of hermits that hated people and wanted to spend their lives eating acorn paste and not showering. It turns out that the forest was filled with man-eating trolls, requiring ever vigilance from the hermits. The forest derived its name from the greeting the hermits would exchange in the rare cases they crossed paths, "Stay woke".
Later, when the trolls grew too numerous and the hermits were almost wiped out, they hired local entrepreneur R.J. Reynolds to come in and thin the herd. Reynolds discovered that, when the dead trolls were ground to a powder and added to cigarettes, they became incredibly addictive and thus saved his fledgeling tobacco business. In order to secure access to the troll powder, R.J. bought the entire forest and removed the hermits en masse to Winston-Salem. The hermits, still wanting to keep people away from them, started the Wake Forest Manual Labor Institute and charged outrageously high tuition to do religious-themed farm work. They've largely succeeded to this day.
These four comprise the entire graduating class of 2013
4. Oh. So then how do they football, then?
A. Great question. It turns out that R.J. Reynolds just gets some local high school football players addicted to their troll smokes, then pays them in cigarettes to play football at Wake after they graduate. While playing non-students and paying them in tobacco is a serious violation of NCAA rules, investigators have been so busy dealing with UNC's ongoing academic stupidity that they haven't had time to notice. In addition, Wake football's normal ceiling of "Not Mediocre" has generally kept their profile low enough to avoid trouble.
5. Wow. Should we report them?
A. No, it's almost cute. That'd be like reporting the Little Engine That Could for using Creatine.
6. So...they're not good?
A. It's all relative. Are WE good2? I mean, I don't think we'd get pwned by NC State 42-13 or lose to Louisiana-Monroe, but this team is entirely unpredictable.
7. Wait, Louisiana MONROE? Is that the school that hired Rickey Bustle away?
A. Nope, that was Louisiana-Lafayette. But I think losing to either one of them indicates a distinct lack of goodness in your football team.
8. Yeah, that's like losing to Templ...nevermind. What about a mascot? Do they have one?
A. Yes. Again, going for the "scare away potential students" angle, they were originally known as the Baptists. In an effort to be more intimidating at mascotting and oxymoronic, they modified it slightly to Deacon and added Demon at the front. To top it all off, they parade out an old geezer wearing a top hat and bow tie, who I guess is supposed to scare you that he might sit there and tell you stories about the Dewey Decimal System, scold you about pulling your pants up or ask you to rub the discolored growth on his foot for a shiny new quarter. Honestly, if they were really going for religious and scary why couldn't they be the Spanish Inquisitors or Witch Burning Puritans?
Nobody would've expected that
9. Weird. Any other traditions we should be aware of?
Besides losing? Not that I could find. They claim a rivalry against all the other North Carolina schools but barely win a third of those games. The only other item of note is that they are former employer of the last coach at both LOLUVA and Virginia Tech, with Bill Dooley coming out of retirement to succeed "Don't Fire" Al Groh. Currently, they are coached by Dave Clawson, who honestly probably had a better gig at Bowling Green. Historically, the Deacs have not been the worst team in the ACC thanks to the massive ineptitude of LOLUVA. They've won two ACC football championships, both outright, which remains exactly two more outright championships than LOLUVA.
10. Do they have players on their football team?
A. Yes. This being the private school arms race that is the ACC, they feature a pair of Hunters as well as brothers Maddox and Griffin Stamey. They'll also trot out junior linebacker Britt Cherry, who accidentally registered for classes using his porn name, and senior running back Orville Reynolds, who transferred to Wake from the year 1908.
11. Any Fullers?
A. Sorry, the Stameys where the best they could come up with. And I'm sure when it's all said and done, there will just as many Fuller brothers in the Wake Forest Hall of Fame as Stameys.
12. Any good alumni?
A. I got super excited when I found that actor Lee Norris graduated from there, but it turns out he's nothing to do with Chuck, he just has a history of playing annoying characters on bad TV shows like Boy Meets World. On the other hand, while she didn't go there, poet Maya Angelou taught there and they produced all around good guy basketball players like Tim Duncan and Chris Paul. For me, however, nothing will ever redeem Wake for producing Joe Lawson, the co-creator of the Geico Cavemen.
Those dudes did not age well.
13. What if I'm hungry in Winston Salem?
A. I'll be honest, the only time I've been to Winston-Salem is driving through on my way back to Blacksburg from the Outer Banks to watch us beat the snot out of LOLUVA. I did not eat there, but people do that every day and some choose to even write Google reviews of restaurants that are there! And according to Google, you should eat at Milner's American Southern. It gets generally good reviews, but I can't help but notice A Google User's review:
My wife and I had diner her one night. Aside from sitting in the laps of the people next to us, the diner was delicious. I really can't say enough about the savory meal, mmm tasty. The service, however, is what killed it. Just awful! The wait staff didn't know the difference between a pinot noir and a pine nut. I suppose had I had a more than fleeting opportunity to speak to someone I may have been more impressed with their possibly evasive knowledge (though not likely). Plenty of other eateries to choose from, won't be back.
Let's break this down. You can excuse poor typing on accident, but the first two sentences strongly convey that our much-suffering reviewer here does not realize there is a second 'n' in "dinner"3 or actually managed to order a casual eating establishment, in which case I understand why he's not in a good mood. However, on the very next line, he completely condescends the wait staff for being unable to distinguish "between a pinot noir and a pine nut." and then refers to that as "evasive knowledge", which...
Although one could argue that accurately defines what these articles encompass
14. So the food is good and a dude that sounds like a LOLUVA alum doesn't like their wait staff? Why do I feel like I'd like it?
A. I hear you, boss.
15. What about barbecue?
A. Winston-Salem IS in the greatest barbecue state in the union, although it unfortunately falls in the side that doesn't realize tomatoes are the work of the devil. If you are there, it seems that heading over to Prissy Polly's is the move. Let's hear from Christopher Myrick:
I ordered the Cracker Meal Catfish Plate and is was awful. Maybe you should stick to Barbecue.
YA THINK? Christopher, do you go to Chinese buffets and bitch about the pizza they have there? The rest of the reviews were from people smart enough to order barbecue at the barbecue restaurant, and were extremely positive, particularly about the hush puppies.
The last thing I want to point out is that Polly's offers not only Lexington style but Eastern style sauce as well. They are truly reaching across the I-95 corridor to bridge the sauce aisle in NC, and bring everyone back together to remember the most important thing about barbecue. And that is barbecue is made from pigs.
16. Amen, brother. Tell me about our FAINTs.
A. Keeping with our tradition, there were no FAINTs because the one thing ACC quarterbacks can all agree on is don't throw at a Fuller. However, Deon Clarke and Derek Di Nardo added a CAINT and a DNAINT4.
Also of note, our record has now improved to 5-2 when Michael Brewer throws an interception, while we remain winless when the opposition remains pickless. I'M JUST SAYING.
17. So if our linebackers were busy intercepting passes, were they able to effectively support RAGE?
A. That's right, after a brief hiatus, RAGE MATCH is back. And in what should be a surprise to no one, Dadi once again reminded everyone why he scares the hell out of opposing quarterbacks and inspires so much love from Hokie fans, with 3 TFLs, including 2 sacks and an additional FIVE QB hurries. I think the Dadi GIF from GIFTORY effectively captures his day. But at this point, I have to recognize that Andrew Motuapuaka has stepped in and done a phenomenal job this year, which was caught with this beautiful shot.
EAT THE GRASS. EAT IT, SON! HAHAHAHA
18. Excellent. Can't believe that dude's just a freshman. Finally, what will you be watching for this week?
A. Considering the stadiums were originally identical, when you walk into the Grove, don't instinctively go to where your Lane Stadium seats are. Although they'll probably be empty anyway:
- For Brewer to get the pick out of the way early so we can win;
- Wake Forest is literally the worst team in Division I-A at offense. Let's make them worse;
- RILEY SKINNER AIN'T WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR;
- I've been trying to decide, but I'm pretty sure you'd classify Frank's latest dance move as a Robot version of the Monkey Dance;
- Through 10 games, we've had six different players lead the team in rushing yards5. Let's go for seven!
Let's finish a sweep of the (ACC) North Carolina teams this weekend!
1Pour one out for Juice
2Don't answer that
3Maybe the N on his keyboard is broken
4It's pronounced the same as the Dnieper River
5Shai (2x), Juice (4x), Deon Newsome, Trey Edmunds, Sam Rogers, J.C. Coleman
Comments
Hmm,7th leading rusher will be motley this weekend? ;) excellent job as always!
How about we play Motley at rb, then can shift to the Wild Turkey without allowing a defensive sub.
how bout a bucky/motley backfield?
I realize you are half joking but some may not.
With Rogers in the backfield, why would you need Hodges?
Fellas, I just relocated to DC after 3 years on living across the street from Wake Forest. My girlfriend was in Wake law school(don't worry she's a Hokie). Anyway what I wanted to tell you guys is that Wake is more like Duke in football attendance than you would think. If anyone wants to go to this game just walk up to stadium before game and tickets will be literally $5-$10, not kidding.
Last time VT played at wake in 2011 we started as usual and were down 10-0 in first quarter, then Logan Thomas woke up and we steam rolled Wake. I went to the game with a large number of Hokies and we all got tickets for real cheap right outside of stadium.
Stadium as in a ticket office or scalpers? Apparently so few people buy Wake Forest tickets that there is nothing good on StubHub.
My parents buy season tickets and I think they are like $10-15 per ticket maybe? They get 2 children's tickets too, even though there are no more children left in the house. Even adults can use the children's tickets (has been done on many occasions) because they just want people in the stadium.
I bet if you were to wait until kick off you could get tickets for free or at least less than $5.
I'm a student at Wake Law myself (don't worry, 2014 Tech grad) and I can corroborate everything here.
Having been spoiled by Lane Stadium throughout undergrad, I was embarrassed at my first Wake football game. The atmosphere is depressing. There are huge swaths of empty seats, and the students are more interested in dressing as preppily as possible than what's on the field. I really hope that those of us in maroon can liven the place up a bit. It certainly won't be exciting because of what few Wake fans show up.
I have some food/beer recommendations to throw in as well. Both Foothills Brewing and Small Batch Beer Co. have awesome food and beer. For Small Batch, I would recommend the cherry stout with either goat nachos (trust me) or their cheeseburger sliders. I can't think of a specific entree to recommend for Foothills, but whatever you have, try the Bourbon Barrell-Aged People's Porter and/or Hoppyum IPA.
Also, most of my law school friends went to non-football undergrad schools and have adopted Wake as their own team, so this win will be extra special for me.
When you said Goat Chips, this is what I thought of
AGGGG! I swear you said Goat CHIPS! Goat Nachos makes my meme less funny!
One of, if not the, best back stories in "Foe"rensics history.
I was just embarrassed by a coworker for laughing too loudly at work.
Thanks! I think it's my favorite. I have no idea where that came from. Maybe Joe and Gutter were right:
LAY OFF THE PIPE
I am a hermit who grew up in the aforementioned forest and was lucky enough to escape the man-eating trolls and hauled ass up to Blacksburg to spend the best four years of my life and get my engineering degree.
Kudos for knowing our small town's history!
Having grown up in Winston-Salem before chasing the engineers dream in Blacksburg, I found this article to be 100% truth.
If you actually want good bar-b-que, I would recommend Little Richards (the best, but further away from the stadium) or Bibbs (named after Hokie future HoFJustin Bibbs, and located in downtown WS).
I can concur with VTMO on Little Richard's. Good Que. Also, if anybody's coming to town and can venture about 15 miles south to Lexington, Try Speedy's. It is Mecca.
As far as eating goes, your readers need to be aware that Krispy Kreme Doughnuts were born in Winston-Salem. One of the Top Ten Truths of Life, actually.
As was Texas Pete. Winston is home to a lot, just not football.
Absolutely.
Winston is the birthplace of Joe Camel, K&W, Krispy Kreme, Texas Pete, and Hanes underwear. What more do you need for a world class city?
Assuming the Hanes came after the Texas Pete. Necessity, invention, mother, some saying and all...
ooooohhhh THIS is who their mascot is based off of!
silly me, I always thought Buzz Killington was a hoo
It's a very easy mistake to make
I always thought it was this guy
ya know, from poltergeist?
Oh yeah... that guy.
Hilarious!
Small world...my brother dated Britt Cherry's sister waaaay back in the early 2000's. I thought I recognized that name from somewhere...
In response to the LOLUVA fan comment:
Geography of Wine - The best class ever in the history of ever. #BoyeristheMan
Disappointed for lack of Arnold Palmer references.
It is a pretty good drink...
Sweet or unsweet tea? I like using sweet tea (unless it's overly sweetened syrupy lemonade), but I know a lot of other people feel differently for Arnold Palmers
Unsweet but sweetened by the lemonade.
I use unsweet tea, as I find the lemonade sweetens it perfectly. Love the ESPN commercial where they witness Arnold Palmer making an Arnold Palmer in the ESPN cafeteria.
Unless you are in South Carolina, there should be no such thing as unsweetened ice tea. If it isn't sweetened, it isn't ready to drink.
In South Carolina, "unsweetened tea" means tea with only one cup of sugar in it. "Sweet tea" means pancake syrup.
I prefer the John Daly
Its an Arnold Palmer, strong on the vodka.
Completely different than the Mark Steffenhagen. Completely.
I, too, am a huge fan of some Arnold Palmer in a glass ("You better let him out." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it."). I found this link about the history of the AP to be very informative: http://golf.about.com/od/arnoldpalmer/fl/Arnold-Palmer-Drink.htm
I did not know it's traditionally made using unsweet tea (although it makes sense that the lemonade sweetens it). Being from NC myself, sweet tea was always closer at hand. I tend to make mine about 3-to-1 tea to lemonade. What ratios does everyone else use??
Half and half.
The best APs are the ones you make at The Homeplace. Never made one better than that.
Dude, that Homeplace lemonade is the nectar of the gods.
I like my sweet tea straight, but if I'm ever at a place with unsweet tea, I add the lemonade to sweeten it up.
Amazing as always.
My sister got her MFA at Wake after graduating a Hokie. She said she got a dirty look from Jim Grobe when she passed him on campus wearing Hokie gear.
Foothills brewing was my favorite place to eat in town.
Foothills has a large pub. they have a large selection of beers and I really liked this ontheir menu. It's what I get when I'm there.
Beer Brats
Two bratwurst braised in Pilot Mountain Pale Ale, then grilled to perfection. Served with fries, sauerkraut, house-made mustard and rye toast.
T-shirts are cool too.
Foothills has a few good menu items, but the rest fails to live up to their great beer.
If you want to eat in Winston-Salem, and don't mind spending a little money, go to the Honey Pot at the intersection of 4th and Cherry. It is the best food in at least North Carolina. I do not say this lightly.
Make reservations, though, the place is small.
If I told my wife we were taking the family to eat dinner at the honeypot she'd think I was crazy.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=honeypot
At the corner of 4th and cherry - lol
I have 6 22oz IPA from the Asheville region that I have to work on at some point, and Hoppyum is one of them. Looking forward to it.
I imagine MFA = Mother F*er Award, in which case congratulations to her.
Never actually eaten at Foothills, just drink. I might have tried it out this weekend if we didn't have a damn 12:30 kickoff. Anything good to eat in particular?
Best thing on the menu:
I'll be honest, I do not remember what I have eaten there. By the time the food shows I'm three beers in. Should've clarified that its my favorite place to drink too. I do remember enjoying the food though.
Last time we went there was and hour wait for the restaurant portion. We walked to the bar in the back and sat right down and got service. The bar is a good place to watch games with all the TVs.
My sister graduated from UVA, but I have forgiven her.
No mention of their stadium being a little brother to ours?
#18, good sir, it is slightly buried.
My bad. I sincerely apologize. Knew you wouldn't overlook that.
Seriously, dude, did you just admit you SKIMMED THE FOE-RENSICS ARTICLE?
BLASPHEMY!!!!!!!!!
CRUCIFY THE HEATHEN!!!!!
Two things:
lol I'm guessing the reply was "no comment"?
Stay woke peanut butter!
I kinda hope stay woke becomes a thing.
Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was "Foe"Rensics, but it obviously can't be because there was no mention of Wu-Tang. I must be reading the wrong article...
I didn't want to be the first one to say it, because I was afraid I missed an obscure reference
Is that the Korean version of an astronaut's breakfast drink?
Before my dad got the whole through-hiking thing down on the AT, he tried mixing tang and oatmeal to get through them quickly. It didn't taste good
The thought of that is just horrible.
Coming soon from [Egbert] Brewing Co: Wu-Tang Oatmeal Stout. It ain't for the children
That might be bitchin'
I once tried to make oatmeal with coffee as a "quick breakfast" at work. It was horrid. Sadly, to this day, I still think that I should try it again since I can't figure out why it was so bad. I love both oatmeal and coffee, IT SHOULD WORK.
http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/17282/45303/
Never had it, but I'll trust a 93% from BA
I think I just found my new breakfast drink.
There's this too...
To add to the list of morning beverages that should work but don't:
Mocha-chocolatte
Coffee with half a packet of hot chocolate. It will make you choke-a-lot.
That's cause you hedged your bets and didn't go all in. A full packet of hot chocolate mix with coffee and some milk/creamer is not bad.
Personally, I just add enough sugar to my coffee that it reaches sweet tea levels.
Oh I went all in after the first half; it only got worse. The reason for this concoction was that work had run out of creamer so I had to try something else.
I love mixing a packet of powdered hot chocolate mix with hot coffee rather than water. I never would have made it through college without it. I called it a "stinger" because the mixture of sugar, caffeine, and chocolate made the back of my head sting. But it sure kept me from falling asleep on all-nighters.
On the really rough nights I would drink a stinger while eating a chocolate-covered Twinkey. Today just the thought of it makes me queasy.
One of my buddy's brothers worked at Hershey and he brought us a whole box of coupons for free bags of Reese's pieces.
We had no money and lived in dorms. I would eat these things and drink coffee or coke during all nighters programming.
I ate so much of these things I could not stand the sight of them by 2nd year.
"2nd year"???????
Are you ok? Do we need to send a priest?
2nd year of eating them.
What did you want me to say? "By my sophomore year in terms of consuming these things at about a 5lb bag a week."
This is my favorite in this class of beers:
http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/2372/21950/
Hm. You know what. It should work.
Try it with stout, coffee and oatmeal.
If you're in too big of a hurry for snickerdoodle coffee and oatmeal, you're in too big of a hurry. I know, I know, "if you sit around in daylight you'll have to hike after dark." But how long does it take to boil a cup and a half of water?
We live in Kernersville, home of Prissy Polly's BBQ, and will vouch for the BBQ and hush puppies. Great prices on the tailgate sized carry outs, but you want enough food for 10 hungry adults say you have 7 people, or be prepared to take half of it home. From much closer to the stadium (walking distance) there is a Red Hot and Blue Franchise. Not sure what beer to get a Foothills? Build your own flight at the same price per ounce as getting a glass. I like the seeing double IPA and the Sexual Chocolate Stout, but got a keg of the Hopium for my birthday party. Milner's is good, but $$$, especially for drinks. 4th street from Foothills east has a lot of great places with good food at varying prices. Attendance at Wake is usually a little better than Duke, but the Maroon and Orange crowd has been bigger and louder than the home crowd every time we've gone. Triad Hokie Club has a reserved tailgate lot in the fairgrounds, on the far side of the coliseum from the stadium, buy passes ahead of time or stop by. Does not include food, food trucks on site. The Wake ticket office had tickets last time I checked (they jacked the price for VT because we pack out the stadium), so there will probably be season ticket holders with tickets available there, but in the Wake sections. The Wake fans are used to losing and will be polite, but almost never stand to watch, and will be offended if you stand too much in their sections. Great to see a new write-up. I love Foe-rensics, but the great history pieces are the best, and I miss them not being in the repeat write-ups.
It's like the Hitchiker's Guide to the Opponent.
I went to the 2006 game at WF, in which we ruined their Senior Day 27-6. Overall, however, the fighting Reilly Skinners had a good year. During that game, Brandon Ore was injured and replaced by Kenny Lewis Jr. and George "Bionic Knee" Bell; Sean Glennon completed long TD passes to Eddie Royal and Josh Morgan, the latter breaking several tackles on the way; Aaron Rouse caused a fumble which Xavier Adibi returned for a score; Cory Holt got to finish out the game at QB (instead of Ike Whitaker) because of his NC origins; and WF's best offensive weapon was their kicker, Sam Swank.
I sat in the top row of the stands, not far from the press box. It was so crowded that a cop came up to check our tickets and make sure we were all sitting where we were supposed to be. During the 3rd quarter, IIRC, the crowd dissipated and I had some room to stretch out.
I'm in my 3rd year here in Winston. If you're looking for BBQ, the place to go is Little Richards, off Country Club Dr. It's Lexington Style and absolutely delicious. Foothills Brewery is pretty fun, but the food's quality is mediocre. And you can pretty much get a Foothills brew at any of the bars around town. If you're looking for fun try Trade, 4th or Burke Street. I'd just avoid Finnegan's Wake, which is full of Wake undergrads, unless you're into Wake undergrads, in which case, try Finnegan's Wake.
Fifth, how did you forget to mention E.J. Scott in the players list?
- Pulled from the AP article on Yahoo.
Looks like 0-5 is on the horizon for E.J.
That is fucking awesome. I feel so bad for that guy, but his decision making process is just terrible.