"Foe"Rensics: Virginia

Hello. This is "Foe"Rensics, where we go in depth about our opponents, mostly pointing out their faults so we can feel better about ourselves. For anyone who watched the race to the bottom of the septic tank last week and is still here, I'm amazed and impressed by your resiliency or self-loathing, whichever it is that keeps bringing you back. And while many of you scoff at soccer, I would like to point out when a soccer game ends 0-0, while far more common, is generally far more entertaining. As my proof, I submit this:

Anyway, if you recall, we're playing LOLUVA this week, and I wanted to try something a little different. Sure, we all know about LOLUVA. You might deal with one of their fans at work, in your neighborhood or at your wine tasting club. And yes, those fans are an oddity, like a dodo bird, only weirder and there are still five left in the world. And sure, I make up plenty of stuff about our opponents. But I haven't taken the time yet to make up stuff in response to YOUR questions about our opponents.

So here we go. You guys were great and submitted thousands¹ of questions, so I had to sort through and pick the best ones².

1. The game is on Black Friday, which is fitting since it will probably be less fun than going to a funeral. What would be the most appropriate theme song for this game? - Corey, Detroit, MI

A. Many would lean towards a funeral dirge here, and indeed, it was recently announced the most popular funeral song in the UK is Always Look on the Bright Side of Death, which, kudos, Britain. But I don't see a bright side this Friday, because even when the game mercifully ends, it will be cold and dark. So, it's only fitting that we go with Method Man and Raekwon giving us the torture skit which is not safe for work.

2. When time cop and Jean-Claude Van Damme meet and do a splits contest, who cries first? Obviously time cop, but who cries better? - Jon F

A. Let's see:

Fake TimeCop

REAL TIMECOP

And I think you know who cries better. The one with the most practice.

3. Who was the worst founding father, and why was it Thomas Jefferson? - VTrumpet

Was Thomas Jefferson hated amongst the rest of the founders for his overall douchebaggery? I feel like Ben Franklin probably rolled his eyes a ton at ol "TJ". In fact I would think if they came to the present Mr Franklin would fit right in at Tech. I am sure a crafty author could dig up some record of ol Ben having a three way with a couple of Spanish whores next to what is now the duck pond. I mean the guy had a key play involving a kite. Coincidence? - HomebrewHokie08

A. This is absolutely correct. In fact Jefferson, after following Franklin as the ambassador to France, was quoted as saying "The succession to Doctor Franklin at the court of France was an excellent school of humility". I can only interpret that to mean that Franklin regularly mocked the awkward ginger for his lack of, ahem, success with the ladies, success that Franklin so clearly enjoyed.

PLAY ON, PLAYA

In addition, it was Jefferson's complete disregard for the necessity of a strong federal government that made Washington break his commitment to keep the president above partisan politics, though not until after he left office. Jefferson, of course, later flip flopped to an essentially federalist position in order to justify the Louisiana Purchase, de facto conceding that he was 100% wrong. In fact, who do you think of when you think of the founding fathers? George Washington? John Adams? Alexander Hamilton? All basically thought T.J. was a douche.

But back to Franklin, who was a Hokie before Virginia Tech was even founded. Y'all have done a great job of identifying most of the reasons, but let's do a list:

• Wanted the national bird to be a turkey. I mean, it should at least be the STATE bird.
• Proved lightning was electricity using a KEY. HELLO.
• Was an inventor, publisher, author, politician, scientist and diplomat, making clear sacrifices (as seen above) in living abroad in Paris for almost a decade. The epitome of Ut Prosim.
• Was a keen believer in tolerance and access to education for all, so basically the complete opposite to arrogant snobbery and elitism that other schools in our state may or may not practice.
• Avid and talented player of chess, akin to our own beloved Bud Foster's defensive scheming.
• Wrote extensively under aliases, particularly as Richard Saunders in Poor Richard's Almanack. OK, maybe I'm the only one into this one.

I think that settles it. We should all Ride the Lightning, eat some turkey legs and read his letter to the Royal Academy of Farting.

4. With both teams playing so poorly should the losing team (hopefully LOLUVA) go home with the title Commonwealth Crap? - hokiecamel

A. THIS IS A GOOD QUESTION. To take it one step further, I don't think ANYONE deserves the Commonwealth Cup, as that denotes a point of pride which is not evident in either team. Therefore, we should come up with the trophy to honor the loser of the worst intra-Virginia rivalry game in decades. Here are my suggestions:

• Moldy Ham Biscuit Trophy
• Boiled Peanuts of Mediocrity Cup
• Virginia is for Sadz Trophy
• Commonwealth Cone of Shame
• Philip Morris Award for Football Most Resembling Black Lung

As an alternative, I believe the loser should have to wear head-to-toe orange unis for every game next year, home and away. This would be especially harsh on UVA since it would cost them a timeout EVERY AWAY GAME.

5. Better uniforms: argyle, plaid, or just regular uniforms but with bowties? - RealDiehl

A. I don't see how you go wrong with this:

Complemented by elbow patches on tweed jacket jerseys

6. UVA tries really, really hard. Why are they not as successful as DuKE in the douchebag department? - Egbert

A. Um, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that they were underperforming in the douchebag department? While it is certainly a competitive field, at least Duke acknowledges that it is a campus, isn't pretentious about a broke philandering ginger, doesn't wear bow ties to games³ and sing that stupid New Year's Eve song if their team ever does anything right.

In addition, through the course of my research, I've found these shining individuals matriculated at UVA⁴:

• Julio Mario Santo Domingo, who shared a mistress with Pablo Escobar and owns part of the company that brought you Miller Chill
• The guy who invented putting political ads during football games
• Miss Cleo
• The obnoxious Englishman from the Infiniti commercials and the bad guy from The World Is Not Enough
• Benedict Arnold
• Saddam Hussein

7. Can we make history and be the first team in the modern era to play in back to back games that end regulation at 0-0? - vtfly

A. This was actually really hard to research because searching for 0-0 football leads you to a lot of soccer links. I've learned these things:

In 1948, we were shut out 5 straight games. None of our opponents were.

In 1950, we we only scored more than 12 points once, against Quantico (!) who scored 61. None of our opponents scored less than 25.

To answer your question (sort of), the Hokies have participated in a nil-nil draw 17 times, including twice against UVA and FIVE times against UNC. The most recent was against Richmond in 1938, which was followed up by what must've been a THRILLING 2-2 tie with VMI.

The last time the Hokies accomplished the feat we're all pulling for was 1906, when the Hokies posted back to back 0-0 scores against Clemson and North Carolina. Interestingly enough, at least one team was shut out every game that year, so it's probably good video games and channel changers weren't invented yet.

8. What is the best long-running TV show to not know that the Commonwealth cup is exclusively a Blacksburg thing? The Office, How I Met Your Mother, Always Sunny, Colbert Report, Dr Who (for any Brits), Greys Anatomy (for the girls vote) - Hokies semper liberi

A. Point of order, here, Dr. Who has been around since the 60s, but I will grant that you mean the 2005 version. Also, Mrs. FifthFuller watched the first episode from 2005 and refused to believe it was made after 1994.

If the British version of The Office fell into our time criteria, it would win, but alas. I would also put forth Sherlock Holmes as an option, but I'm going to have to go with The Colbert Report because it's going away soon and the fact that he's been able to consistently stay in character for NINE YEARS is amazing⁵. I just tried to imagine what it would be like handing in my ninth anniversary "Foe"Rensics and then couldn't because Joe will kill me long before then.

Hokies semper liberi⁶ also raises an important point. There are fifth graders all over this planet who have never witnessed a Virginia Tech loss to UVA. A reversal at this point could severely damage their young psyches. Hokies winning is what's needed for the next generation to grow up healthy. Ergo, The Commonwealth Cup in Blacksburg is For The Children.

9. In VT history, who's been the most popular backup quarterback? Taylor, Leal, Motley, Rogers, other? - VTrumpet

A. While my first inclination is to go with Deep Ball Dave Meyer, I realize I'm alone in my principles. I think the only answer here is Tyrod Taylor. A pocket passer protected by an offensive line frequently doing their best Red Sea impression, Sean Glennon has become infamous among Hokie fans, fairly or not⁷. Combine that with a 5-star recruiting gem who literally embodied everything Hokie fans had come to equate with success at the quarterback position (read: mobile enough to operate somewhat effectively without an offensive line) and there's no contest. In addition, Mrs. Fifth Fuller remains a huge Tyrod supporter because "he seems really nice." Case closed!

10. After feeling nostalgia and regret, does Al Groh come back to replace Mike London as head coach? - White House Wes

A. This seems like a good time to update our campaign hashtag:

#DontFireMikeLondonUnlessYouAreHiringAlGrohBack

Is that too long?

11. a) Where is a good place (within 5-10 minutes of Lane) to let some friends park their cars so they can ride over to park with me close to the stadium? Don't want them to get towed. b) What is the proper response at each of the grief stages if we lose? c) If we win, will we make personnel changes before the bowl game so we have a wider selection of potential replacements? - 01_hokie

A. a. I generally park in the backyard lots on Edgewood Lane, just past the German Club on Southgate Drive. It will cost (depending on demand), but it's super close.

b. I believe HorseonaTreadmill covered this in the previous post, but to summarize: bourbon.

c. Without speculating on whether or not it will happen, if it does, I believe Whit and Frank will announce any departure(s) very quickly after Hate Week ends.

12. With all the uncertainty in the running game; why in god's name has there not been more Rogers in a single back set? Do they think he will rip open a hole in the space time continuum if he takes 15 handoffs in a single game? Is this for the sake of all mankind that they don't unleash him?

Follow up, how many more starting RBs need go down before you trust in Rogers? - VTBlackout

A. Rip in the space time continuum, violations of Newton's Laws of Physics and/or Theory of Relativity, spontaneous combustion of the universe or initiation of the Big Crunch...who KNOWS what would happen? No one, which is why Frank hasn't been willing to risk the fates of this and other worlds.

13. Why can we train a horse to run on a treadmill, but LOLUVA can't train a horse to carry its mascot? - pablitovt

A. HAHAHAHAHAHA, this was the best question.

14. Lastly, I must commend Rockidr4, who took the time to submit EXACTLY 45 questions, far more than UVA fans at their spring game. While I couldn't possibly reprint them all here since my word count has already soared high enough to give Joe a permanent eye twitch, I will provide answers to each here.

A. Ahem. 1. Because logic 2. They are every reason you need 3. Bow ties 4. Yes, but probably not, full beards would be better 5. Five Guys (NoVa homer) 6. Summer = TOTS, school year Rivermill or Big Als 7. Hokie House is also good because shuffleboard 8. Pomade 9. At full sprint the entire time 10. Hardees is an underrated move here 11. I think you're understating the ease of hating UVA 12. No :o( 13. Cannot dispute 14. Football 15. It WAS! 16. Bear 17. Pretend I get a call on my cell phone and go outside to answer it 18. No :o( 19. GET AFTER IT, BEAR! Oh god, I'm going to die 20. Where would you send the douches then? 21. No sports book is willing to touch those odds 22. Not at all 23. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure 24. Try finding ANYTHING from the 30s that holds up compared to a modern version 25. Before or after the sidelines of the UVA game thing? 26. Please 27. No. Many Bothans died to bring us this information 28. Sam will behead and then eat the JUGS to assume its powers 29. No, but will avoid 30. No either :o( 31. Buy Bud a case of whatever drink he wants 32. Thanks! Yes! 33. Joey Slye, hands down 34. The one whose manservant is furthest away at the commencement of hostilities 35. Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Even if it's not on the menu, you can still get it 36. Raymon "Mongoose" Minor 37. I believe French refers to it as "Caveman Football" and it's glorious 38. Torrian Gray IS the pirate king and Coach Wiles bench presses the North End Zone stands 39. Are you sure it wasn't just Aaron Moorehead? 40. Not unless 1,000 of us write those love letters on $1,000 bills 41. They certainly hate having fun tonight 42. They are full of BOLD FASHUN TAEKS 43. Oh, I see 44. Oh, hell yes 45. Prooooooooobably not.

Thanks, you guys are all awesome and this was super fun. Have a happy Thanksgiving and may your black friday be orange and maroon happy.

¹That's not true
²No I didn't
³That may only be because they don't actually go to games
⁴This has not been fact-checked
⁵I also give major props for the fact that it took me at least five years to realize the 'T' in "Report" was silent
⁶If you don't know what this is from, look up the semper liberi part and appreciate the genius at work here
⁷It would seem Mr. Brewer is pushing him in the popularity polls, recently