Hello. Welcome to a special bowl edition of "Foe"Rensics! As you may know, at the end of a college football season warm weather cities1 in the United States2 that people like to visit3 host special "bowl" games in attempt to "promote tourism"4 and "extort universities for the cost of thousands of tickets they won't be able to sell because your bowl is in Mobile, Alabama"5. The great news is your Virginia Tech Hokies were lucky enough to score one of these highly sought after invitations to a bowl!
Not that kind of bowl
1. Huzzah! Which warm weather locale that people like to visit are we heading to?
A. None of them! We're going to Annapolis, Maryland! It's a "city", but not a real one. It's like a college town, only smaller and the college is a military academy, so...
2. Oh. Well. At least we're not going to Detroit!
A. THAT'S the spirit!
3. Before you dive in, how about you fill us in on how the battle for the Commonwealth Cone of Shame went?
A. I must confess, my friends. My heart held such trepidation before the pillowfight for the Commonwealth Cup. I had so much fear our Decade of Domination would come to an end. A great kicker. A great defense, almost unparalleled on third downs. An offense that seemed to be able to do just enough to make their defensive dominance count. But then I remembered they were coached by Mike London, and HAHAHA, why were we ever worried? Good news is, Fuzzy the Hoo gets to wear this next year:
He does not like the Commonwealth Cone of Shame
4. His oddly emotionless face disturbs me.
A. Me as well. No matter, we won't have to see them until next season; Mike London understands how important it is to a Jefferson acolyte to spend the holidays with their families, and always finds a way to make sure they can be home resting up to sing their stupid song on New Year's.
5. So, Annapolis, you say? Tell me about it.
A. Annapolis was originally founded in 1649 by the exiled Russian noble, Count Alexei Karenin. Though the area had been occupied for some time by poor fisherman who had named it "Salty Mud Swamp" for the vast amounts of brackish sludge that passed for ground in the area, Karenin turned all the fishermen into his serfs and founded an actual town. He named it "Alexandrovichgrad" after his father and it kept with the Russian tradition of giving things unnecessarily long-ass names. In later years, after finding out that his wife, Anna, had been creeping on him with one of the serf fishermen, Alexei ordered her captured and hung, but Anna escaped to Virginia with the help of the serf fishermen, who resented Alexei's heavy handed rule. In a fit of anger, Alexei killed all of the Annas in the town and surrounding area and banned the name from being spoken or used as a name.
After Alexei died, his son Sergei became the mayor and asked his mother to return. He renamed the town Annapolis in her honor and to get back at his dad, who he didn't like because Alexei constantly mocked his poetry. The town population never really took off, though it was briefly made the capital of the United States in 1783 in a desperate attempt to get the government OUT of New Jersey. However, after only seven months, they realized the Karenins, who still ruled the town, had totally been lying about it being a city (only the extended family, 34 serfs, and the dude that ran the distillery actually lived there) and fled back to New Jersey.
Though it is nominally the capital of Maryland, the governor and executive offices are all in Baltimore because there's no decent Chinese delivery in Annapolis. Today, though the town claims a population of 38,000, only approximately 300 people live there. For some time, the city government has been vastly inflating their population numbers by claiming every person in the United States named "Anna" as a resident.
6. Oh. That's kind of weird.
A. Yep. If you go, pretty much everything you see that isn't plastered with U.S. Navy insignia will have either a boat theme or dollar signs, because everyone who lives there has lots of both.
7. So is the Naval Academy why they play the Military Bowl there?
A. No. They started playing the Military Bowl in Washington, D.C., which is the capital of the United Stated of America. The bowl has only been around since 2008, and was originally conceived of by Northrop Grumman, an enterprising defense contractor, as an actual, gladiatorial style battle where they could showcase their latest weapons developments to boost Christmas sales while destroying dilapidated RFK Stadium at the same time.
An artist's rendering of the original concept of the event
8. Oh MAN, that would have been fun!
A. Probably. In addition, the first 1,000 fans through the gates would have received an Official Military Bowl Iron Man suit.
Unfortunately, it turns out that firing off missiles and detonating explosives in the nation's capital is frowned upon, so they decided to play football instead. After a few years, the Racoon King of RFK led an uprising of the larger rodents that reside there and chased the bowl committee out of the venue. Since no one with their sanity intact wants to be involved with him, they drove right by Dan Snyder's Theatre of Where Hokie Dreams Go To Die on their way out to Annapolis.
That's not Snyder. Way too tall.
9. THE MARK OF THE BEAST.
A. Yup. Previously, the Military Bowl has hosted some pretty storied programs, including Toledo, San Jose State and everyone's favorite Big East AAC foe, the Fightin' Owls of Temple! We are truly following in some hallowed footsteps here.
10. Wow, thanks for bringing THEM up. On that note, how have the Hokies fared in good ol' Naptown?
A. Since 1916, we've NEVER lost a game in Annapolis.
11. Why do I feel like you're leaving something out.
A. Okay, so we've only played once there since 1916. And, I guess if you're going to count ALL TIME, we lost seven straight games at Navy from 1904 to 1915, including five shutouts (we scored a combined 10 points in the other two). Though we did win the first time we played there, so we're 2-7 all time! Hurray!
12. Any Fullers on the Bowl Committee?
A. No. Which is idiotic; you've got Vincent Fuller, Sr AND Nina RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD.
No, instead they've got Brig Owens, who despite that being his awesome name and not his abbreviated rank, played college football for Cincinnati. Our opponent. Also, they include Christopher Harrison, who played football for UVA. I'd be extremely concerned about undue influence on the officials during the game, if not for our secret weapon...John Skipper! The Virginia Tech alum is such a die hard Hokie, he was named for the famous cannon we fire off at football games. He won't let anything bad happen to our boys.
13. What if I'm hungry in Annapolis?
A. There is good news. I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN TO ANNAPOLIS. AND I ATE THERE. INCLUDING AT THE RESTAURANT I'M ABOUT TO RECOMMEND. I DON'T REMEMBER IF IT WAS GOOD, OR WHY I'M STILL TYPING IN ALL CAPS, BUT HERE WE GO.
I think it was good, and I ate there, and it's got a name that lends itself well to jokes, so I'm recommending Mike's Crab House. LET'S GO TO THE REVIEWS! Adam Barr:
The best crabs I've ever had. This place is magical.
Another review, from Winston:
Crab legs were so cheap they were almost a steal, but an extra charge for butter... and I had to carry them out to the deck myself.
14. Any barbecue in Annapolis?
A. A decent selection, although in general, it seems like the food options go from real pricey (downtown) to "Restaurant Could Double As Collapsing Barn" out in the sticks real quick. Adam's Ribs seems to hit a happy medium. A local chain, they come recommended by Danny Reedy:
Great place! Noah recommended the ribs and chicken and it was absolutely delightful
DO YOU GET IT. ADAM'S RIBS. LIKE FROM THE BIBLE. NOAH. LIKE FROM THE BIBLE. GET IT?
14. So is anyone actually from Annapolis?
A. Not really. Their Wikipedia page actually lists Robert Duvall because he "lived there for a time". Reeeeeeach. They DO have Travis Pastrana, who is an X-Games athlete and the dude from Jimmie's Chicken Shack, which is an excuse to post this:
Dude, I bet they have really good weed in Annapolis
Okay, I think we've stretched the bounds of "interesting" as far as they'll go with regards to stuff about Annapolis and the Military Bowl. We'll be back next week with an in depth look at the Cincinnati Bearcats!
1And Detroit, Boise, New York and Annapolis
2And the Bahamas
3And Shreveport and lots of places in Texas, Arizona and Alabama
4Doesn't really work
5Works really well
Comments
Very well written. Hilarious , highlight of the day.
Now THIS is why it was important to keep the bowl streak alive.
edit: sometimes I want to look into TheFifthFuller's head when he's writing this stuff.
From this I am going to just say most of my pre-game entertainment will be staying in the parking lots tail gating... thanks for the info!
As a native of the area, I strongly recommend Adam's Ribs. I've never been to the Annapolis location, but I've been to the Prince Frederick location many times, and it's always fantastic.
Also, Cantler's - best crabs in town.
Pusser's has a good bar scene right in the inner harbor area.
Downtown Annapolis is definitely something to check out. Very cool shops and boutiques - plus some great places for a meal and drinks.
if you're looking for something expensive and romantic, I highly recommend Cafe Normandie.
What you did there.... I see it
There's a shrimp sale at the Crab Crib.
Say that ten times fast.
Maryland is so bad at football though. They don't deserve the attention they got from this quote.
FTFY
Crab cakes?
Stoney's Kingfishers Seafood
Solomons Island Road
Solomons, MD
*Drops microphone, exits stage.*
can confirm. haven't been there in a minute though.
are you a southern marylander?
I am... Others?
st. mary's county represent!
Yep!
My Dad was a Navy jet jock and Navy Test Pilot School graduate and also head of Carrier Suitability at Strike Test. I lived in Greenview Knolls in the early 1970s for about 4 years and on the base at Pax River (Qtrs P) from 1979-1980 (while I was a Hokie student). I did summer hire engineering work at NESEA at St Inigoes, MD in 1979.
No, I'm from the Shenandoah Valley, Augusta County to be more precise. However, my dad and I ended up in Lexington Park to buy his truck. We asked the dealer where to go to get some good seafood and he sent us to Stoney's. Only time I've been there, but best damn crab cakes ever.
I'm from Augusta County - Stuarts Draft to be exact!
New Hope
AC in da house!
If you're in Lexington Park, you must go to Evan's Crab House.
As a Annapolis native, it really should be "Crab Cakes and Lacrosse, that's what Maryland Does!" I can't think of anything more Maryland than Blue Crabs and Lacrosse.
Washing those crabs down with a Natty Boh
natty bohs bloh.
cause car accidents?
Be a terrible driver?
Kudos for the Jimmie's Chicken Shack reference. Hello early 90s!
The best one I can remember, thank you, 5th.
I thought you would have posted Jimmie's Chicken Shack's High, though, maybe even a video of them from the HFStival.
I was at those shows along with every other high school aged kid in Nova, MD and DC
Yup, I think I went to three or four of them in the 1996-2000 timeframe.
Top memory from those shows: I was at (one of?) the outer stage(s?) watching the Long Beach Dub Allstars and after their set ended, I came inside to see 3-11. I heard the hits (Down, All Mixed Up, Don't Stay Home), and then they cut the set short. One of the WHFS DJs got on the mic and said they were cutting the set short for a special guest. The crowd didn't feel pleased, as 3-11 was pretty popular at the time, and I think the last time they had a special guest it was Jewel and she got booed off the stage. So the DJ is like, please welcome Run DMC!
Needless to say, the crowd perked up significantly.
I just saw Run DMC in August and as a 311 fan, I would have been ticked.
You've probably heard it before, even maybe jokingly, but they (311) weren't that hot live.
However, Jam Master Jay was still alive at the time, glad I got to see that.
I saw 311 in Burress. I thought they played a great set.
It's cool that you got to see Jam Master Jay, though.
As did I. It was one of the best concerts I've ever been to.
I was also there...keeping my eye on the both of you.
The highlight of that day for me was walking to class and seeing the guys hanging out between Burress and Norris in lawn chairs. I had a Wayne's World-esque "We're not worthy" moment.
I never liked High, for some reason it always reminded me of Local H which *braces for potentially unpopular opinion* I never understood how/why they became popular.
Do Right always caught my ear, though.
33 West was the band that should have made it big. But noooooo we get stuck with stupid Madden Twins. Damn you Waldorf. Damn you.
I was happy to see JCS open the HFStival every year, people rocked out to them.
I only remember Bound for the Floor from Local H. That song got old quick.
But speaking of that era in pop rock, I'm almost ashamed to say I still rock out to Semi-Charmed Life. It's too poppy not to like
There is no shame in loving that song.
I'm getting all nostalgic here. I loved third eye blind.
I got to see less than jake, eminen and Ice-t there along with others I can't remeber now.
Speaking of all this old music anyone a pie tasters fan? I believe a couple of them were tech grads but they were always down at tech playing.
My buddy was huge into ska and loved the pie tasters. I never really got into 'em.
Less Than Jake is a killer live show, though. Saw them a bunch of times at Warped Tours, coincidentally, in the same stadium.
Yup, several of the Pietasters were Hokies, although graduating may be stretching it a little. I know lead singer/head guy Steven Jackson's sister graduated from there. Got to see them in Salisbury and OC in the late 90's and had a blast hanging with them after the show.
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.
That was a pretty good album, although I've heard from multiple sources that Stephen Jenkins is the biggest asshat in the music industry.
He is also terrible live.
But hey, he was hooking up with Charlize Theron. So...I think he wins this round.
Saw them this summer at Midtown Music in Atlanta. It was pretty bad. I have also heard he is insufferable.
JIMMIES CHICKEN SHACK REFERENCE- DRINK
The Commonwealth Cone of Shame seems to me like it should be a Dunce cap like the one they used on Win Ben Stein's Money when contestant's answered in the form of a question.
I don't think those Hoos mind the cone of shame... Why else would they extend Mike London's contract:
If you are looking for some food challenges while in Annapolis
Chick & Ruths Delly is the place
One Person, One Hour, One Sitting....
1. Man vs Food Challenge : 6 pound Milkshake & 1 1/2 lb sandwich or Colossal Reuben or 1 lb Colossal Burger
2. Colossal Shake Challenge: 6 pound Milkshake
3. Super Colossal Sandwich Challenge: 3 lbs sandwich, your choice of 2 meats
4. Super Duper Colossal Burger Challenge: 3 lb Cheeseburger
Big Shout out to Rebecca and Charrie for completing the Man vs Food Shake and Sandwich Challenge, dont know either lady but a chick that can put away that much food and still have a smile on her face is a keeper.
http://www.chickandruths.com/ate.html
How the hell do we lose recruits to this guy?
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/ncaaf-dr-saturday/virginia-coach-mike-lond...
you almost nailed the exact 1 year anniversary of this link....almost
Are you sure the serf fishermen didn't take her to Savannah? (Save Anna?)
(Maybe I should downvote myself for that one)
Oh, THAT'S GOOD!
They didn't have to cast very far.