"Foe"Rensics: North Carolina State

Hello. You're still here! That's great! If you are still visiting a website that does nothing but talk about Virginia Tech football this time of year, you are either a True Fan¹, drunk out of your gourd still, or you simply don't know how to change your homepage to something that has a little less pain and tears on it. Whatever the reason, we're glad to have you! And if you can find a reason to laugh while being a fan of this program, well, pass me whatever you're drinking, because I'm struggling over here. Let's get right to it; I know you're all here for a direct, undiluted injection of knowledge about our opponent straight to your brain, and I have the juice you're craving!

This made me giggle. What could possibly be scarier than a bunch of photoshopped wolves with RED EYES OOOOOOOOO than being in a SPOOOOOOOKY forest with a guy wearing all black who also has SPOOOOOOKY RED EYES. Also...STATEMENT. STATEment. North Carolina STATE. DO YOU GET IT?

1. What happened last week?

A. Hey, let's not get caught up in things like "wins" and "losses", okay? Besides, I can't tell if we're actually out of the preseason yet. Hell, if things continue along their current trajectory, we'll probably enter Mike London's fabled "Bowl Season" some time in late October. Let's focus on what truly matters. And that is, we have probably seen the last Virginia Tech football game with a Fuller brother² in it.

Obviously Vincent, Corey, Kyle and myself have used up our eligibility. Kendall is now out for the rest of the season, after which he becomes eligible for the NFL draft and a paycheck with multiple commas in it. I love watching Fullers suit up in orange and maroon, very few things make me happier, however; Mama Fuller didn't raise no fools. And if Kendall wants to pass up his multiple commas for another chance to come back and be cared for by a medical staff with this history of treating knee injuries, well....as a Hokie, I would appreciate the sentiment, but I would probably revise my earlier statement about Mama Fuller raising fools.

2. Oh god. Quick, distract me with something stupid before I cry.

A. No problem at all. I'd like to take a minute to focus on the competition for the upcoming week, the North Carolina State Wolfpack. Their mascot is oddly appropriate, as NC State was actually founded as an obedience school. Not far from Raleigh is Duke University, home to the scions of the richest families in North Carolina, and the University of North Carolina, home to the scions of the middle class families that so desperately wanted to be accepted by the rich ones but can't afford to be. Before basketball was invented, students at the two schools engaged in fierce dog showing rivalry, and the demand for dog training led to its rise as the most popular vocation in the Raleigh-Durham area. These dog trainers were employed by a vast number of training academies, of which the most exclusive was the North Carolina State Grooming and Trotting University. Canine graduates from NCSGTU swept the entirety of the 1890s dog showdowns between UNC and Duke.

But then, a peculiar problem arose that money found a solution to. It seems generations of inbreeding between the select few richest families in the state had led to a number of young folk who were not equipped with a fully functioning intellect. On a visit to drop off the family Norwegian Lundehund³ at NCSGTU in 1902, RJ Reynolds, a staunch Duke man, took note of the rigorous curriculum for their beloved pet and realized that it was just about the right level of difficulty to match the limited intellect of his second eldest son, Clem. Clem had quite a few academic contemporaries among his family's social circle, and the patriarchs of each family got together and cooked up a scheme to get their aptitude-cursed children enrolled at the school. The concern was particularly acute at the time, as the University of Virginia was then not accepting out of state students.

Knowing they'd be mocked mercilessly by UNC alum, despite the UNC affinity for a mascot with dirty feet, they had to mask the fact that they were sending their intelligence-deficit children to an obedience school. And thus, with the right palms in the State Assembly greased, NC State Grooming and Trotting University shortened its name to NC State University. Gradually, they realized there was a much larger need for this level of education, particularly in nearby South Carolina where generations of force-feeding mustard tainted barbecue sauce to children had done its own damage to the IQ scores of local residents. The dog student population was gradually phased out over the next 90 years and replaced by regular people students.

3. So who's training all the dogs now?

A. And this, sadly, is what is overlooked the most in these heated rivalry debates in the Triangle, and why there's a serious lack of investment in the proper education of North Carolina's dogs. WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE PUPPIES?

The original mascot of NC State.

4. Do they football?

They do! And in a North Carolina tradition of mediocrity⁴! They've won the ACC seven times, but impressively, only once did they have less than three losses that year; in most cases, they had four or five. One of those titles also came under the dignified leadership of Lou Holtz, so while at least Duke helped give rise to the snarky entertainment value of Steve Spurrier, NC State gave us...Lou Holtz. Thanks, you miserable bastards. They also had Al Michaels as an interim coach in the 70s, who got into broadcasting after he could only cobble together three wins that season. The last of those aforementioned ACC titles has now receded into the dusty past; indeed, even before Mr. Michaels began to believe in miracles.

The sad state of Soviet hockey in the 80s, when a team led by a guy who looked and dressed like this could beat you.

5. So are they still mediocre now?

A. Eh, mostly. They got out to a somewhat DOMINATING start, taking apart a murderer's row of Troy, Eastern Kentucky, ODU and South Alabama before succumbing to a Louisville team that is probably best described as not great⁵. Luckily, NC State does not lack for inspiration at its helm, as they are led by a man who clearly spends most of his time coordinating mob hits out of the weight room. That's right, Chuck "The Chest" Amato roams the sideline with his raspy voice bellowing out directi-

6. Dude, what the hell. He got fired like 10 years ago. We've played them twice since then.

A. Oh. Well. Since we were beating the hell out of Tom O'Brien teams then, I guess I'd sort of lumped those in with his prior offensive coordinator days in Charlottesville. Just FELT like LOLUVA wins, you know? Especially the one where we scored 38 points.

7. So we get to beat Tom O'Brien this weekend?

A. Haha, no, he got fired, too. Mostly because 2012 was the senior season of Mike Glennon, younger brother of beloved former Hokies' quarterback Sean Glennon. NC State officials knew O'Brien would never be able to replicate the success he had without a bit of that Glennon Magic that we Hokies are so familiar with.

No, NC State's current coach is Dave Doeren, who came to NC State from the birthplace of many fired and soon to be fired ACC or B1G coaches, the MAC. Good luck, Dave! Enjoy the paycheck!

8. Any other notes about the program?

A. Yep. In a marked note of creativity, their mascots are known as Mr. and Mrs. Wuf and the NC State fight song is titled, ahem, the "NC State Fight Song". Their band sounds like it was named by a stoner and should be followed by "maaaaaan" as in "The Power Sound of the South, maaaaaaaaaaaan." Though they are named the Wolfpack as an odd homage to their pedigree⁶ as an obedience school, they have a dog bred to look like a wolf on the sidelines, which is kind of weird. That's like if we just got a roided out chicken to walk around on our sidelines and told people it was a turkey. LSU built a damn 15,000 square foot habitat adjacent to their stadium so they could keep a real live tiger there, and you can't find a freaking WOLF? Laaaaaaaaaaaaame.

9. Rivalries?

A. Yes! Sort of. They have a "rivalry" with UNC, which is really just something for the Tarheels to do while they're waiting for their REAL rival; Duke basketball. They also have a rivalry with Wake Forest as the two ACC teams in North Carolina no one outside of the ACC has heard of. Their last in-state rivalry is with ECU as part of a contest to see who can get the most fans featured on an episode of "COPS" and the awesomest one, their annual matchup with Clemson, which is apparently known as the Textile Bowl. I mean, we don't have any room to talk with our lame rivalry nicknames, but...c'mon, Textile Bowl? Was Annual Comptroller's Meeting taken?

10. Do they have alumni making good or interesting contributions to the world?

A. Oddly enough, yes! Not only do they count Zach Galifianakis as a former attendee (did not graduate), they also have two guys listed on their Notable NC State People page as "Internet Personalities", Rhett McLaughlin and Link Neal, who are clearly doing important and worthwhile things. And not only do they have an American Idol winner (Scotty McCreery) AND a Last Comic Standing winner (Jon Reep), they've got Rusty Harmon, the manager of Hootie and the Blowfish! But perhaps the strongest mark in their favor is the notable distinction of having expelled John Tesh while he was a student there. Well played, Wolfpack.

11. Any Fullers?

A. Seriously? Harsh toke, man.

And no. They don't have any Fullers.

AND NEITHER DO WE.

12. So when are you changing your name to TheFourthEdmunds?

A. SACRILEGE. MAY YOU SPEND YOUR DAYS BURNING IN CHARLOTTESVILLE. Although I do enjoy me a good Edmunds, I cannot lie.

13. That was a test. And you passed.

A. Oh. Well, then. Sorry about the Charlottesville thing, no one deserves that.

14. No, it's cool, it came from the right place. Any other roster notes?

A. They've actually gotten an influx of talent from a recent exchange program with the Ancient Civilizations Club, particularly Dravious Wright, Kentavius Street and Airius Moore from the Roman Legion, Artemis Robinson who was named after a Greek GodDESS for some reason, and Pharoah McKever who gets punched a lot because he walks around the locker room yelling "So let it be written. So let it be done."

In real roster news, they have a dude you might have heard of, Troy Vincent, only this isn't the All-Pro, because he's old, this is his son, Troy Vincent, JR. So he's probably good? I dunno. In celebrity news, Sean Paul is taking time out of his busy touring schedule to get some football in, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, Dirt "Emanuel" McGirt, Jr is on the roster. There's actually some confusion about how he got Dirt McGirt on his birth certificate when that's (one of) his dad's stage names, but the late ODB has blessed us with many lil' ODBs all across this great land, and one of them is a freshman lineman at NC State. Could this mean that Wolfpack football is for the children?

15. Let's just hope that it'll be Frank busting a move to 'Triumph' after the game. What about eating in Raleigh?

A. Eating in Raleigh is recommended if you are in Raleigh, but I'd like to remind you that this game is in Blacksburg, so you should probably go to Blacksburg, not Raleigh. Eating in Blacksburg is recommended, although not as highly since Bogen's closed. As for Raleigh, I'd like to remind you that I have got familial sources in the Triangle! You'll be happy to know I did not bother to consult them this time around at all! I'm trusting in Google, which is telling me to eat at Gonza Tacos y Tequila, which sounds awesome. TO THE REVIEWS! First up, Bob with a Ham Radio handle last name:

This is a restaurant that likes itself too much. It is not authentic Mexican. The food is too yuppie, portions too small and over priced. The must not be doing well, as they can't pay their light bill. The worst part was the waitress who offered mediocre service, then tried to rush us out, by picking up each plate or napkin before I was finished. She even reached under my head to get one.
The yuppies may like this, but this was the first and only time I'll go.

Oh dear, where do I even start. I'm not clear on what yuppie food tastes like. The ol' "Can't pay their light bill" joke about intentionally dim lighting, GOOD ONE. Bob, I'm going to go out on a limb based on your tone and language choice and guess that you're a crotchety old white guy, which puts you pretty low on the totem pole in terms of people who can judge "'authentic' Mexican". My guess? You're as much of an asshole in real life as you are on the interwebs and the waitress was just trying to get rid of you. But keep throwing out one star reviews, buddy! The world needs complainers!

16. How about barbecue?

A. Let's just say thank God we don't have to deal with any more South Carolina schools this season. In the safety of the best barbecue state in the world, Google is telling me to go to Smokey's BBQ Shack. At first, I was a bit concerned because a TON of reviews specifically called out the brisket, which isn't barbecue, it's just smoked beef from Texas. But then, I read this one star review from Danny Hall:

Everything tasted the same bland and smoked up!!! I will never eat their again and I do not recommend it .even the Brunswick stew ,slaw and tea was just horrible.your stomach will be upset..

Danny, maybe you're not overly familiar with barbecue. Smoke is kinda the point. Also, you will "never eat their"....Their as in SOMEONE? Oh my GOD, DANNY, DID YOU EAT SOMEONE? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, NO WONDER YOUR STOMACH IS UPSET, THAT'S NOT BRUNSWICK STEW, THAT'S SOYLENT GREEN!

Let's see what Michael Cook had to say:

As a former World Traveler (Aircrew member), this is the place to eat.

Wait...like in the whole world?

Excellent smoke flavor in the ribs and great side dishes. Someone had commented about them being dry and well yeah, that's how they come. This isn't Kansas Dorothy! Their sauces are on the table, so slather away!

YES. DRY RIBS. I don't know if I've climbed up on this particular soap box before, but if you need to pour sauce all over your ribs before people eat them, you messed up your ribs. Someone putting a rack of dry rub ribs in front of me tells me those ribs are probably delicious and in no need of sauce. Sauce is used to cover up things like boiling your ribs, which I'M LOOKING AT YOU, JACKSON'S BIG OAK.

17. Tell me about the FAINT count.

A. SERIOUSLY, MAN? I am in PAIN over here, why don't you come over and kick my dog while you're at it?

18. Sorry. Ahem. What should we watch for on this Saturday?

A. On Saturday? You should watch the Wales football team qualify for their first major tournament since Eisenhower was president! WOOHOO! WELSH DRAGONS! SUCK IT BOSNIA!

CYMRU AM BYTH!

19. The hell is wrong with you, man?

A. Sorry, this is your helpful reminder that the game is actually on Friday night due to the fact that both teams would struggle to be competitive against Texas high school football teams at this point. But, since you're here reading this, you're probably going to watch as well, so I'd watch:

• The over/under on Glennon brother references is being set at a modest 6.5;
• You're guess is as good as mine as to which quarterback is actually healthy enough to start the game and if said quarterback will be healthy enough to finish it;
• Sideline shots of (sniff) Kendall Fuller;
• Hopefully a win. For the love of all that is good in this world, please let us beat NC State.

Enjoy the Friday Night Lights, everyone! Say hi to Boobie Miles!

¹While any definition of this term, from "Anyone who likes the team" to "Must give $5k plus per year" or "Must show up to and stay for the entirety of every game, even a blowout win over Southern Miss in below zero temperatures" will spark debate, we'll stick with "Will continue to follow the team in good times and bad, even through the swirling madness of descent into the toilet".
²The next generation, when the offspring of our current and past Fullers swarm the field by the dozen, will be known as the House of Fuller. Now accepting suggestions for House Motto, like "Thou Shalt Not Pass"
³Famed for their puffin hunting skills
⁴The Pirates, being located in East Carolina, are obviously exempt from this tradition.
⁵Before you Louisville fans put down your better ingredient-filled pizza to send me hate mail, this is not said in a tone of derisory superiority, but one of sad empathy.
⁶Pedigree, hahahahaha, that was pretty good.