Stewart Mandel requested college football teams as Arrested Development characters. I came up with these, and thought I'd share - feel free to post any of yours in the comments.
George Senior - Miami - Once a dominant program, they're now perpetually in legal trouble that just won't seem to go away, yet at the end of the day, it looks like they might just beat the system. We're all perpetually stunned at how they stay out of jail.
Lucille Bluth - Maryland - As much as they like to hang out at the country clubs with the Big 10 schools, we all know they're broke. They also have leathery turtle necks and move slowly.
Tobias Funke - Duke - They may insist/pretend they like football just like the rest of us, but we all know they're a basketball school. Plus, they blue themselves.
Gob Bluth - Clemson - They've got a lot of flash, showmanship, and excitement, but no matter how much money they seem to throw at their problems, stuff always seems to end poorly for them (ahem, Orange Bowl blowout).
Buster Bluth - Wake Forest - At the Milford Academy, they teach that children should be neither seen, nor heard. According to attendance records, Wake Forest fans feel the same way about football fans.
Ann Veal - UConn - Not a member of the family, but keeps trying to marry in, despite the majority of the ACC not really being all that crazy for them. Also, painfully boring, with an offense fit for 1985.
Comments
Haha, awesome list. My favorite, which was spot on:
Tobias Funke - Duke - They may insist/pretend they like football just like the rest of us, but we all know they're a basketball school. Plus, they blue themselves.
I'm willing to bet that most of them are nevernudes too
UVA has to be Barry Zuckerkorn. While they want to be regarded as a prestigious institution/lawyer, both are usually completely incompetent and totally unprepared. I wouldn't be surprised if Barry got his start as a cop either...
I've seen a lot of these comparisons of teams to characters, but this is far and away the best/my favorite. Every single one is spot on. Great job!
Also, VT has to be Michael Bluth. They always do things the right way and, as a result, things start to go their way. But before it's all said and done, things fall apart (no MNCs) and they are tempted to bail on the company (ACC).
I thought about VT being Michael - we held it together for years while the rest of the conference embarrassed itself.
I Think FSU would be Tony Wonder, the program/magician that Clemson/Gob tries to out do, usually unsuccessfully.
Louisville would be Lucile 2, the program that's really strong financially but isn't officially part of the conference yet.
I'm trying to match a program with Bob Loblaw...maybe UNC? Able to talk its way out of trouble
< rant >
I sent Stewart Mandel a note asking him to not waste any more column space on Arrested Development. This week he answered three questions about it. I don't go to him for that, I go to him because of what he knows about college football.
Same thing with Peter King's MMQB. It used to be football. Now there are Mr WhoCares travel notes, beer recommendations, coffee recommendations, haikus, and a lot of extraneous stuff that really clogs up the articles. I can handle the non football thoughts of the week, but at this point half the article is non football.
YOU SI GUYS ARE FOOTBALL GUYS! FOOTBALL! If I wanted all that other nonsense I'd go to ANY OTHER RANDOM WEBSITE ON THE INTERNET!
< / rant >