"Bowl"Rensics: Shreveport

Hello. It's bowl season! And, for the 23rd year in a row, Virginia Tech gets to play in one! Which means, for Hokie students not running victory laps in Blacksburg, this has been an occurrence EVERY YEAR OF YOUR LIFE. As a fitting last stop on Frank's farewell tour, he'll return to the Independence Bowl, the place where this whole bowl streak started all those years ago. And what better place to do it than spend a few days in the darkest time of year on the Gulf of Mexico! That's right, beautiful Shreveport, LA!

An artist's rendition of Shreveport.

1. Uh, dude. Shreveport isn't on the Gulf of Mexico.

A. The hell are you talking about? It's got PORT in the name. ShrevePORT. It has to be on the Gulf. Think about "Port" cities. Portland, ME, Gulfport, MS, Portsmouth, VA, Portsmouth, UK...they've got PORT in the name for a reason.

2. Nope. It's in Northwest Louisiana, right by Texas and Arkansas.

A. ...what.

3. Yup. It's on the Red River, where the navigable portion of the river used to stop until...wait, who's writing this, you or me?

A. Uh, OH, sorry, I'm still dealing with the fact that they named a place ShrevePORT and it's not on a major body of water. Give me a few minutes on Wikipedia.

...

Okay! Knowledge achievement unlocked. Whew, have I got a doozy for you! Turns out that's due to its meandering path and a bunch of other stuff that I skimmed over, the Red River used to regularly develop what came to be known as the Great Raft. This was, at times, up to a 100 mile log jam on the river which, as you can imagine, hampered the effective use of boats. And here's where our story gets interesting, and an old foe emerges to wreak havoc on America.

You may recall that in 1803, Thomas Jefferson oversaw the Louisiana Purchase, doubling the size of the United States, and acquiring most of present day Louisiana west of the Mississippi River.

4.

Uh, you said we weren't going to have to know dates.

A. Look, do you want to write this?

5.

A. Then shut up for a minute. Anyway, this is when they discovered the Great Raft. TJ at first wanted to leave it alone, viewing the log jam as an expansion upon the grounds of Louisiana, and we all know how he feels about things he can call "Grounds". Then, reluctantly realizing that people could actually, ya know, GO places on the river, drink the water, grow crops, etc, he decided it should be cleared. However, despite the common belief in Hooville that TJ invented everything, including lifeshears, scratch-resistant eyeglass lenses, Zima, memory foam and the science of inventing things, the technology did not exist until the 1830s to clear the raft, and it wasn't FULLY cleared until the 1870s when someone invented dynamite. Captain Henry Shreve was the guy that started clearing it and, of course, they founded a city next to the giant mass of rotting wood and named it after him, because they would never give that over-celebrated, mediocre ginger Jefferson the pleasure of naming even a malarial cesspit "Jeffersonport".

I mean, why WOULDN'T you want to found a city next to that?

6. So...when do we get to the havoc?

A. It's coming. So, Shreve, instead of following the existing channel, sort of just ploughed a straight line right through the raft affected area. Makes navigation faster, right? Well, turns out, it also accelerated the water displacement and drastically affected the area where the Red River, the Mississippi and the Atchafalaya River¹ all meet up AND everything downriver. This started pushing water OUT of the Mississippi and down the Atchafalaya² instead. So what happened? Basically, they ended up having the build the Old River Control Structure to keep the Mississippi from changing course and following the Atchafalaya³ bed instead which, incidentally, does NOT go through Baton Rouge NOR New Orleans and would completely alter the economic landscape of Louisiana, something that, at this point, scientists believe will inevitably happen anyway. When you add the fact that removing the raft contributed to the Red River flooding Shreveport earlier this year, and has already significantly altered the Gulf coast where the Atchafalaya AND the Mississippi enter it, you could basically say that Thomas Jefferson was the single greatest negative contributor to climate change in the 19th century.

7. God, I hate that ginger bastard. So why do they bowl football there?

A. Another great question! You may be familiar with the somewhat casual attitude in Louisiana politics toward the blurry line between "campaign contribution" and "bribery", or toward things like "I know where your former mistress was buried after she threatened to get mouthy about your cocaine use if you didn't buy her a Mercedes so you better award me this no bid construction contract" deals. Well, it turns out, the mayor of Shreveport in the 1970s, right around the time society started getting all environmentally conscious, was receiving...favors...from the owner of a fertilizer plant outside of town in order to look the other way while said owner dumped tons of chemical waste into the Red River making it, literally, red. The recently founded EPA⁴ took none to kindly to this and threatened to throw everyone in jail.

8. Damn gubmint meddlers.

A. Right. So, the mayor threw a temper tantrum that would impress any three-year-old in its intensity and longevity. In true three-year-old fashion, he basically said "FINE, I'll stop him from dumping the waste, but I'm taking my city and I'm LEAVING your country and your stupid rules." He thus declared Shreveport independent from the United States, refusing to pay taxes or fees to the Federal Government or the State of Louisiana, a position that has been held to this day by subsequent mayors⁵. They also began flying a flag with one leg removed from the 18th star, symbolizing a pillar of Louisiana was no longer a part of the United States

How they have desecrated Old Glory

9. This is weird.

A. Yes! It is. In celebration of their newly won independence from the United States, they founded the Independence Bowl in 1976 to allow the premier college football teams from Louisiana to prove their superiority against the rest of the country. Unfortunately, no one took them up on their offer and LSU did not actually participate until 1995, meaning they just got a LOT of McNeese State and Louisiana Tech for a while, until they won the coveted 10th selection slot in SEC bowl teams, which means they've also had a lot of visits from Ole Miss.

10. Oh. Sounds pretty glamorous. Have we ever been there before?

A. Yup. This is actually Tech's third visit to the Independence Bowl, tying the Hokies for third most appearances all-time behind Ole Miss and Louisiana Tech. Tech got punked by Air Force in 1984 before smoking Indiana in 1993 to begin the glorious bowl streak. In fact, here's an exemplary example of atrocious refereeing you may be used to by now, but this actually benefited the Hokies for a change!

HAHAHAHAHA, SUCKAS

Speaking of atrocious refereeing, even though the ACC has had ties to the bowl since 2010, the conference hasn't won it since way back when Mike Groh was able to quarterback the hapless Hoos to victory in 1994. Just to put in perspective how long ago that was, that was ten years BCCS⁶.

11. Ew.

A. Yep. In fact, the Independence Bowl has only ever been won by the ACC twice (Wake Forest and LOLUVA). Given this history of only terrible ACC teams winning the bowl, I kind of like Tech's chances this year.

12. Not next year, though! When the offense will be EN FUENTE!

A. Right, right. Sadly, the Independence Bowl is sponsored by Camping World this year, a far cry from the entertainment value provided by previous sponsors such as Poulan/Weed-Eater Bowl, the Duck Commander Bowl, and the AdvoCare V100 Bowl, which I thought was motor oil until I started researching for this article. Turns out it's a nutritional supplement, so it probably tastes about the same.

The biggest loss, however, is when no one respectable would provide a sponsor for the bowl. In 2005, Deja Vu, a chain of, ahem, adult entertainment establishments, offered to sponsor the bowl and was roundly rejected as an affront to the sensibilities of the citizens of Shreveportlandia.

13. Shreveportlandia...what have they ever done for us?

A. Surprisingly, there are a butt ton of people from Shreveport who have since emigrated to the United States. Most notably, country music legend Hank Williams Jr, as well as Kix Brooks of Brooks & Dunn, who I always thought was the "rock" one from the band, not the country one in the cowboy hat, because his name is freaking KIX.

You're telling me the guy on the right is RONNIE?!

Also born in Shreveport is noted baseball media favorite Albert Belle, Mensa member Terry Bradshaw, dorky golfer David Toms, NBA All-Name Team Captain Stromile Swift and glove fitting professional Johnnie Cochran.

14. Man, I'd love to get all of them in the same room to talk politics over beers.

A. Just make sure you bring a Ouija Board to conference Johnnie Cochran in.

15. Okay, let's say I'm going to Shreveport. Do they serve food there?

A. Yes! Although, after reading reviews, you may not want to take them up on their offer. A Google User shared about Sushi Gen:

Excellent place. Clean with fresh food and I didn't even get diarrhea-which is rare in Shreveport.

I wish I had made this up. For those of you traveling south for Boxing Day...good luck! Stay near a toilet!

16. How about barbecue?

A. I'm going to be honest...things didn't look promising on the barbecue front. The highest rated place I could find was Podnuh's Bar-B-Q, which appears to be a local chain. You know, it's never a great sign when you've got some purposely misspelled word as the name of your barbecue restaurant in a bid to lend authenticity to your food. You know when that's okay? Two things have to be true; the first is the food is good. Let's ask Kim Brown:

Cole slaw tastes awful nowadays.. The beans always taste days old. Only at this location.. But the staff is very nice and it's clean,the near is good.

Dude. She's eating at your restaurant, which she acknowledges as terrible, because it's close. And the people giving her shi--- food are nice. So, first thing is NOT TRUE. The second thing is, your misspelled name has to be the misspelled name of the proprietor, whose name is legitimately misspelled, like "Ronie's Pit BBQ" or "Jarumy's Smokehouse".

That being said, I'm going to say it's not worth anyone's time to do anymore digging on Podnuh's.

Alright, that should be everyone's definitive guide to Shreveport! Have fun if you're going! Take extra toilet paper and several changes of underwear! We'll be back next week with a trip inside the eye of the Golden Hurricane! And lots more exclamation points!

¹Best. River. Name. Ever.
²I will not get sick of writing or reading that.
³Never mind, I'm over it. Waaaaay too long to type.
⁴THANKS, NIXON
⁵The Comptroller of Shreveport, however, continues to actually pay the fees and taxes on the down low, keeping the National Guard from coming in and throwing everyone in jail.
⁶Before the Commonwealth Cup Streak, for those of you not familiar with the new metric calendar system proposed by the UN.