Ask TheFifthFuller: Hate Week Mailbag

Hello. Since Virginia Tech is now a basketball school, this will predominantly be focused on questions related to the beloved Buzzketball heros and their upcoming opponent...(checks notes)...uh, Saint Francis! Of Assisi? (Checks internet)...YES! What's an Assisi?

1. From 4VPISU: Can Buzz help coach our football team, since his basketball team is good at coming back in the second half and winning the game when down at halftime?

A. So, I've been thinking about this, and it's the guaranteed path to victory for the hardcourt stars! When do the Hokies completely fall apart? The third quarter. What does a basketball game NOT have? A third quarter! I don't see how they can ever be defeated! In reverse, NitWhitt has the solution:

Can we call the 3rd quarter the 2nd quarter, the 4th quarter the 1st quarter and the first half yesterday?

This seems perfectly logical to me.

2. QMaroonQ with a brain teaser! I have a game: without cheating, can you tell me which one of these are wines and which ones are UVA football players?

• Reinkensmeyer or Gewurztraminer?
• Vladic or Vollmer?
• Chianti or Chenault?
• Mariteragi or Malbec?
• Charbano or Chichester?
• Frascati or Finkelston?
• Spaziani or Sangiovese?

A. For someone who spends his lunch breaks on Sporcle the best...SECOND best website on the internet, this is MY JAM. Wines: Gewurztraminer, Vollmer, Chianti, Malbec, Charbano, Frascati, Sangiovese. LOLUVA players: Reinkensmeyer, Vladic, Chenault, Mariteragi, Chichester, Finkelston, Spaziani.

After checking, I got one wrong, because No. 2 was a TRICK QUESTION, they are BOTH LOLUVA football players. Other than that, I rule.

3. gobble gobble chumps asks: In all of the years of answering "Do They Have Players?" for "Foe"rensics, who in your opinion is the best-named opponent that Tech football has faced?

A. The question game is strong with this one. I don't know if I can pick just one. Some of my favorites were Miami with Corn Elder and Herb Waters, Raekwon McMillan from Ohio State, Ha-Ha Clinton Dix from Alabama, and Norkeithus Otis from UNC.

4. Pritchard is Better than Lee asks: Shot out of a cannon: Hokie Football Offense, Hokie Football Defense, and Hokie Men's Basketball. You gotta f one, marry one, kill one: GO!

A. Aside from the physical impracticalities of this, I'm game. Also, point of order, West AJ fo life. Here's my logic:

Buzzketball This has been cultivating for a while. Planted the seed, watered it by strategically becoming a realistic option, ensuring it got enough sunlight by being very complimentary, praising her effusively, and it's paying off right now as she blossoms into a beautiful plant. And once you get there, follow Seth Rogen's advice:

Lunch Pail Defense Which of these options is gonna make sure you get home safely when you're hammered? Which one of these do you trust to maintain a steady job and pay her half of the rent? If you had to procreate, which one of these is going to be most likely to produce offspring you're gonna be proud of? Even if she does something young and stupid one year, ONE YEAR, like spending the entire fall so drunk she can't play defense, you know she's gonna snap out of it. Basically, who do you trust to be there for the long term? Marry this one. Don't let her get away.

Offensive Offense I feel like we've been trying to talk ourselves into 'the offense is gonna be great NEXT year' since David Wilson left. Even when Tech had Jerod Evans and Isaiah Ford, it wasn't GREAT, it was...serviceable. The Hokies offense is like hope this season. So let's find a bathtub and drown this blasphemy. Because:

5. MaroonX2 and Little Bobby Tables combine to ask:
You're not going to transfer before this season ends, are you?

A. I have come to the decision to transfer from Virginia tech. To Joe and his staff, I wish you guys nothing but the best; I want to thank you personally in giving me a chance to chase my dream on an accredited website (whose accreditation I endanger with my every publication). I have changed my Twitter handle to TheThirdBarberTwin. I ask that you respect my family's privacy at this difficult time.

6. Alum07 getting philosophical: Taking the implications to the players and team out of the equation, did our fan base need a year like this?

A. I'm assuming the implied statement here is the fanbase is spoiled and needed to be brought back to earth, and the only way to do that is to witness the wheels falling off, endure what others programs endure, and come back to Lane humbled and appreciative of every win and not try to burn everything down after every loss. I see the logic there. But I'm gonna say no, and here are my counter arguments:

1. Didn't the Hokies just have a year like this in 2012? OH, and in 2014, and 2015...I mean, Tech still beat LOLUVA and went to a bowl those years, but played like ass most of those seasons and needed bowl wins to have a winning records and got one of those in freaking OT against RUTGERS.
2. There will always be malcontents. I guarantee there are Bama fans whining about Saban RIGHT NOW and he's got to have a deal with the devil he wins so much. Like I tell my folks at work, people are ALWAYS going to bitch about products you deliver. You have to differentiate between legitimate complaints and Oscar the Grouches.
3. Every time people leave the stadium because of losing, some of them don't come back. FINE, you say, only die hards in the Terror Dome. Either that or NEW fans will show up when the team starts winning again. Well, sorry, there ain't 66,000 die hard Hokies that are gonna buy tickets, and those new fans are just as likely to fade away when the wins do. And apparently the athletic department needs the money from people showing up.
4. Lastly, I don't really get too wrapped up in the health of the fan base. I've got a family and a stressful job and I love all of you and I think TKP is something that lots of folks are here for whether Tech is winning or losing, but the fan base is what Whit gets paid to worry about. I ain't got brain space for that. I still love Hokie football and I'm gonna be here until and unless it turns into a Temple or an SMU (the disgusting, death penalty worthy Craig James murdering hookers version, not the impotent current version).

7. FudBoster: How do you think UVA fans would respond to this quote from the Washington Post discussing the state Universities that helped bring Amazon HQ2 to Crystal City?

Virginia Tech was a leader in the discussions, with a large team of people actively working on its plans. But George Mason, Northern Virginia Community College, the University of Virginia and the College of William & Mary were all integral, Moret said, and many more were part of the process.

A. Oh, the

I mean, Mason Nation is the largest college in Northern Virginia, but they threw the damn COMMUNITY COLLEGE up there before the Hoos. LOLOLOLOLOL, that is so disrespectful. I'ma go renew my WaPo subscription real quick, they just earned that.

So how would a LOLUVA fan react? I mean, I'm no Amazon fan and I think them moving into Crystal City (side note: has anyone asked if the dancers at the Crystal City Restaurant will have the stupid little smile on their pasties?) is stupid, but I imagine a LOLUVA would obnoxiously react like this:

I mean, this is what the Third President of the United States of America Thomas Jefferson (bows head in brief reverent silence) always warned us about. America should be a nation of agrarian intellectuals, not subject to the whims of some corporate behemoth that essentially enslaves people to further their bottom line. This is further concentration of power into the hands of a mercantile elite, when really, the wealth of the nation and the right to enslave people should be spread to the landed gentry, so that we may more virtuously embody our democratic ideals.

8. From wasknick: My friend's girlfriend goes to UVA and he went to Tech. She says that we should be embarrassed that we only beat UVA by 10 points last year because we are a football school and they are not. However she does not believe that they should be embarrassed by losing to us by one point in basketball last year, stating that it was "only one point." This does not even touch her views on UMBC which are amusing none the less. So my question(s) are:
1) Is there something in the water in Charlottesville that makes UVA people this delusional and out of touch with reality?
2) Is this drug available on the market and will it help me cope with the current football season?
3) I need new friends. Does anyone want to be my friend?

A. See what I mean?

1. Yes. Jefferson could literally piss on their faces and they would bless the rain. Football is a barbaric, proletariat pursuit one should be embarrassed to embrace. A more noble sport is whatever LOLUVA happens to be good at right now, which is basketball.

2. Since it seems to be a suppository, that's entirely your choice if you want to take it.

3. I'll be your friend. Unless you start asking for help with the suppositories, then we're not friends anymore.

9. JetBlckFastAttck asking important cinema questions: As a Submariner looking for an outside (non-military/non-submariner) experience, rate the following submarine movies from favorite to least favorite:
Hunt For Red October
Crimson Tide
Down Periscope
U-571
Hunter Killer

A. Why does it seem like any movie about a submarine is gonna be good? It's like movies about baseball (not comparing submarines to baseball); baseball is just horribly boring, and yet movies about it are almost always good. Here's my take, and I must recuse myself from Hunter Killer, having never seen it:

4. Hunt For Red October - So I loved this movie, and Sean Connery is great and the drama and tension are really top notch, but I recently rewatched and it suffers from the same problem that The Peacemaker had. SPOILER ALERT, Nicole Kidman and George Clooney are the ONLY ones who could figure out what happened in a Pentagon conference room FULL of people, then they were the ONLY ones who could go to Europe to find out who bought the nukes, then they were the ONLY ones who could go to central Asia to try to intercept the warheads and they were the ONLY ones who could find and disarm the nuke in New York. There are three million people employed by the Department of Defense, NO ONE ELSE could do ANY of these things? Jack Ryan is literally the only person who could figure out this defection thing and then go make it happen?

3. Down Periscope - Really, I'm just here for Kelsey Grammer being a dick to everyone and Lauren Holly's shrunken uniform.

2. U-571 - I liked this movie, and it gets bonus points for killing off Bon Jovi, even though it went with knocking him off the ship instead of him getting SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TOO LATE.

1. Crimson Tide - I mean, besides Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington on their A games, I thought this movie did a great job of highlighting the historical uniqueness of submarines, that their captains are frequently isolated and asked to make decisions that, in naval surface warfare, are typically reserved for a much higher grade. I mean, that's what resulted in the Lusitania being sunk and the eventual entrance of the US into World War I. But bottom line, it's Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington in an ACT OFF, and the winners are us, my friends.

10. jsumm88 with a bifecta of questions: If peanut butter wasn't called peanut butter what would it be called?

A. That's a good question! I mean, really, peanuts shouldn't be called peanuts, since they aren't nuts. They're legumes. And it's not butter. BELIEVE ME. I've tried frying fish in it and it doesn't work. It's a spread, right? So really, we're talking about legume spread. But there's no way that BIG PEANUT BUTTER would let you get away with that marketing disaster, so here we are. Ask your kids if they want a Legume Spread and Jelly sandwich (LSJ sounds like something you need to go to a clinic and get antibiotics for) and see where that gets you.

11. Also, if animals could talk, what species would be the rudest?

A. Easy, cats. Look, I know dog people will...ahem, dog on cat people because dogs are so affectionate, and that's mostly because dogs have had the majority of their free will bred out of them. Where do you think that free will went? Cats. My cats do not give a damn about me unless I can do something for them, like pet them (ONLY WHEN THEY WANT TO BE PETTED, OTHERWISE DON'T GIMME NO LINE AND KEEP YO HANDS TO YOSELF) or feed them. Then they can be the sweetest animals on earth or, alternatively, will just annoyingly meow at me because I'm not doing what they want. Because they do not care what you think about them. And if they could talk, I fully believe my cats would embark upon a mission to destroy my self esteem by constantly reminding me how useless I am.

12. Wisec4g mistook me for French or Mason and asked me to break down some film: Is this the best open-field tackle you've seen all season?

Wait for it.. pic.twitter.com/a6WeWco3TS— Adore Animals (@AdoreAnimaIs) November 13, 2018

A. Alright, let's walk through this. To set this up, you've got a small, shifty back, let's call him Thomas Jones, who probably has the quickness and agility to get out of that arm tackle you're gonna have to attempt since he's half a step further away than you thought he'd be. The linebacker here definitely have the size advantage, let's call him Adibi, and he has some quickness of his own, but you definitely want to close the space fast and reduce Jones' options. Adibi keeping his feet under him but continuing to move forward filling that alley, and is definitely playing by Low Man Wins rules. Jones sees this, and sees Adibi is ready to counter any East-West movement, so he decides the only option is the ol' highlight reel Hurdle the Defender. Adibi, by keeping his feet churning, is ready to react as soon as Jones leaves his feet. Homey don't play that. Adibi launches himself, keeping his eyes up to ensure he's on target, leads with the shoulder and plants him into the ground. On follow through, he's even playing by NFL rules and ensuring that he gets a touch while Jones is on the ground to ensure the play is dead. My only quibble with his form is the twist of his body that causes him to wrap his left paw around Jones' waist and his right under Jones' leg. My guess is he's ensuring he's going to get a piece of Jones and make sure that he can't get away even if he doesn't make solid contact with the shoulder. But that's nitpicking, really. Adibi made sure Jones didn't have a lot of options, Jones made a bad decision and Adibi made a momentum shifting tackle.

13. Is hokiejoe02...trying to get zen here? So why are you came?

A. I'm going to treat this a FREE SPACE and answer my own question. So I was reading this article about Spirit Bears, which are rare white black bears, and how this has to be a recessive gene trait that comes out every so often. And I was thinking about how do these bears survive? Wasn't the color of a BLACK bear's coat a Darwinian trait that emerged for survival? How do these bears make it without effective camouflage? And then I was thinking, if they mostly eat berries and fish, it doesn't really matter what color they are, but THEN I was thinking, if you're a lady bear, and you are looking for a he-bear to be knockin' paws with, and this straight up white black bear wanders into the clearing, are you gonna want to do that albino bear and risk having albino cubs or is there some instinctive shrinking away from the "other" and she's going to run away looking for another bear that looks like her? Or are bears color blind? Is there some way these bears can use the mythologized status of their color to get laid? And all this led to my question here...how many bears are having sex RIGHT NOW?

My guess is none, because they're all too busy eating to get ready for winter. But during mating season, I'm gonna guess that at any time there are dozens of bears that, uh, have swiped right.

14. McHokie540 trying to fit in at Lane Stadium North: What is more appropriate to pair with shorts and tube socks: Penny loafers or top-siders?

A. I had to google this, because I have never heard of top siders, and the images looked like what I THOUGHT penny loafers were, so then I googled penny loafers and those just look like prissy dress shoes. So I guess my question back to you is, why? Are the tube socks necessary to cover up some kind of fungal toe thing? Otherwise...do you not have flip flops? Or just some old tennis shoes? And my real question here, since we're talking about the fashion choices of people with more money than sense, what the hell is up with those pink pants with little whales or sailboats all over them?

15. Koastal Kings asking the food questions: What wine pairs best with a seasonal entree of disappointment and embarrassment?

A. I think the best solution here is to ask a LOLUVA fan what they typically pour on Thanksgiving. Alternatively, for the TKPer, whatever has the highest alcohol content. You ain't gonna taste it after a glass or two.

16. QUESTION OF THE WEEK: Is there a parallel universe where LOLUVa has a family of 4 brothers who played dominated the squash scene for them over the course of a decade and a half? In this universe, are they called the "Emptiers"

A. hokie07ME is, I'm assuming, fleshing out the details of the Marvel Ultimate Universe here. If you are unaware, Marvel essentially relaunched their entire universe, and did a good job of rethinking all of their characters with a twist, but I feel like a consistent theme is everyone seems just a little more evil (except Spider-man, with whom I thought they did an excellent job of maintaining his innocence and idealism). So we can correctly conclude this is just a more evil version of our universe. And in a more evil universe, you bet that LOLUVA discovers the dominant squash family and exploits them.

How did this happen? Well, LOLUVA was secretly working with Roxxon, and subjected the Emptier brothers (Little Bobby Tables chips in with the correct pronunciation, "Emp-tee-AY") to genetic modification to "enhance" their abilities. The Emptiers graduate and use their worldwide fame and millions in wealth from dominating the pro squash circuit (PARALLEL UNIVERSE) and infiltrate and manipulate the U.S. Government to tilt policy in favor of the elite cheese and winemakers of the country, setting up an oligarchy that subjected normal people to tyranny and oppression.

Luckily, we live in the Fuller Universe, nobody cares about squash and we'll continue to mock the Hoos for every stupid thing they do.