Hello. Welcome to this week's "Foe"Rensics feature, where we investigate the inner workings of our opponent in order to allow you to be the best informed fan in the stadium!
Or, in the case of Miami, you can think you're at a cricket match and still be the best informed fan by default
1. So, I missed the Boston College game. What happened?
A. Nothing, we were on a bye last week, shut up.
2. Why are you trying to stick your head in the ground? Oh great, we lost again, didn't we?
A. ...Yes. No sacks, no interceptions, no Kyle Fuller and very little Brandon Facyson. There was also potentially the worst decision in the history of Virginia Tech football made by Logan Thomas, excluding all the terrible decisions we've forced opposing quarterbacks into. And with that, I must now join my voice to the masses. Though I cannot simply assume that a player we've not seen play any significant game time could step in and right this ship. No, while many of you assume that the person listed second on the depth chart is the answer, I know we need someone who has demonstrated unnatural poise, athleticism, talent and pedigree. That's right, it's time for
Let's start a movement, people.
Let's break it down. Who better to BEAT a defense than someone who knows the ins and outs of PLAYING suffocating defense? Who better to bring down the team FAINT count than lettings the Fullers play on BOTH sides of the ball? They are clearly comfortable with the ball in their hands, and despite having never seen either of them throw a ball in anger, I feel comfortable that they can turn this season around if we just turn the offensive reins over to one of them. And hey, if we throw Kendall in there, we've got a quarterback for at least the next two seasons, as well. BOOSH, I LOVE solving problems!
3. Um, right. Moving right along. Who's up next?
A. The fearsome Hurricanes of the University of Miami, commonly referred to as 'Da' University of Miami. Miami was originally founded in 1925 and is the second opponent in a row that honors the proud tradition of being named for a city it's not actually in. Within a year of its founding it was broke, going door to door for collections in order to stay open and had earned the nickname "Cardboard College". Luckily, a wealthy benefactor in the form of local nightclub owner and entrepreneur Antonio Montana came to the rescue, donating a portion of his earnings to the school in exchange for the football team receiving, storing and distributing on behalf of his import/export side business.
Montana later took his patronage north to a certain school in South Carolina
Miami has continued its association with some...ahem...more dubious characters. Current President Donna Shalala failed in her attempts to prevent Virginia Tech from joining the conference along with Miami when the ACC was expanding in 2003, pushing to include Boston College and Syracuse in their place. Demonstrating behavior not expected by whichever impending disaster takes up residence in Richmond, then Governor Mark Warner essentially twisted UVA's arm1. to ensure we were bailed out of the Big East. I dunno, maybe Shalala just realized that Miami wouldn't win a conference title (or even make a conference championship game) in football for the first decade of the conference, more often than not because of us.
4. Do they play football?
A. Well, I guess you could say that. Miami came to dominance in the 1980s under Howard Schnellenberger and won four national titles over the next ten years under Schnellenberger and their following two coaches, Jimmy Johnson and Dennis Erickson. They also developed a bit of a reputation as "Thugs" as symbolized by one of their biggest supporters during that time.
Livin dat life, doe on A1A BEACHFRONT AVENUE!
5. Wow, they must have dominated us then.
A. Well, Miami DOES hold a 18-12 record overall against the Hokies and a DOMINATING 2-0 record against the Hokies in bowl games2, including a victory over then-cornerback Frank Beamer who has carried an undying hatred of the Canes ever since3. However, ever since the two first played as conference-mates in 1992, Virginia Tech holds a 12-9 record against the Canes and has not lost consecutive games to Miami since 2001-02. In addition, this game will mark the 23rd time (out of 26 games) that at least one team is ranked when the two play, which includes four games with both ranked in the top 10 and two games with both ranked in the top 5.
6. So this game is kind of a big deal then, huh?
A. Well, I don't know how much Miami cares, but I absolutely love this game every year. From a competitive perspective, from the perspective of consequences on the line beyond the outcome of the game, talent on the field and national exposure, this is the truest rivalry Virginia Tech has. There's very limited player connections4 but I think this game means a lot to the players, coaches and fans on both sides.
7. Speaking of, who's their coach?
A. Al Golden, who is in his third year in Coral Gables, so far compiling a 20-12 overall record (including 7-1 so far this year) and missing out on bowls the last two years and a conference championship game last year due to Miami banning itself from the postseason waiting for the incompetent NCAA to finish their investigation. Miami is in the driver's seat for the Coastal Division this year, despite a 41-14 shellacking at the hands of FSU last week. Golden appears to have restored some of the 'swag' to Miami, but there is some history, as I understand it, related to the recruitment of Kevin Jones while Golden was at his alma mater, Penn State, which has caused friction between Beamer and Golden. Seriously, if you manage to piss of Frank Beamer, you've got to be a special kind of awful.
And if you needed any other reason to despise him, Golden got his Masters degree from UVA and later was their defensive coordinator, so he's been educated in the ways of douchery and then gained professional experience in it.
8. What about their players?
A. Well, they are led by Senior Stephen Morris, who was supposed to be the future of the program when they were languishing under Jacory Harris. Well, it turns out the future of the program was more Jacory Harris-like play, with Morris throwing 12 TDs and 10 INTs so far this year. The other loss they had Saturday night, as Joe detailed, was Duke Johnson, their star RB, for the year with a broken ankle. I'm bummed Duke isn't playing, but this is Miami, there is talent waiting in the wings and the real thing we have to worry about is their ridiculous offensive line.
9. Any other notes on their roster?
A. Yes. In a blatant and crass attempt to gain an advantage over Florida State, Miami has begun recruiting a strong Native American core to their team, starting with R-FR QB Gray Crow, FR DB Corn Elder and SO WR Herb Waters. Clearly that is not yet paying dividends for Golden.
They've also got Miami legacy Ray Lewis III, though as a Freshman DB it does not appear he's made an appearance this year. They may just be saving up to afford enough smoke to properly introduce him before a game. Al also made sure to reserve a roster spot for his nephew, Greg, at WR. Lastly, they've got SO WR John D'Uva, who I am personally determined to hate for name reasons alone.
10. So, how should I judge Miami based on their alumni?
A. Well, from football alone, highlights include The Rock, Bernie Kosar, Warren Sapp and my personal hero, Kellen Winslow Jr5. Leaving the gridiron, they also include one of my favorite actors, Ray Liotta, Miami Sound Machine singer Gloria Estefan and Jefferson Airplane singer Grace Slick. If you expand this to include people who did NOT graduate, it becomes even more impressive, including Ben Folds, Sylvester Stallone, Patti Scialfa (guitarist for the E Street Band) and Steve-O from Jackass.
11. Wait, the last one was supposed to be impressive?
A. You're not impressed by someone willing to staple their ass together on TV?
12. ...
A. Regardless, the amount of people included on the University of Miami Notable Alumni page with the "Attended but did not graduate" tag attached to them was astounding. I thought I was looking at the Northern Virginia Community College page for a minute.
13. While you were looking at their roster...
A. No Fullers. However, I'd like to address something that I noticed and was very accurately captured by bar1990 on Mason's post earlier this week.
"2 Fullers > 1 Fuller."
The Hokies have been without their full complement of Fullers for two weeks in a row and, frankly, it's shown. Despite Kendall rearing up with three interceptions against Duke, it wasn't enough. And clearly, with NO PICKS and NO SACKS against Boston College, our entire defense wasn't functioning properly. Coincidence? I think not. Word out of practice this week is that Kyle knew he wasn't 100% against BC and didn't think he could play well enough to justify being on the field. I would ask that, even if he was only 80%, someone show me something better than an 80% Fuller. Can't do it, can you? No. You can't6. Kyle seems optimistic that he'll play this week. I hope he does, otherwise, I'm just not sure what chance we stand against the Canes.
14. Any important rivalries we should know about?
A. As you may know, Miami's biggest rival is Florida State, although the two schools never played until 1951 and have only played annually since 19697. This game generally has even greater stakes than VT-Miami, including meeting eight times with one of the teams ranked #1 and TWELVE times with both teams ranked in the top 10. Six of those contests have famously been decided by field goal issues, five of them misses by FSU and four of THOSE missed Wide Right. Considering the hype and energy that goes into this game every year, it is definitely lucky for us that Miami played FSU the week before us, as I doubt they'll be able to get up for our game as much as they did for FSU, especially considering they got hammered by 27 points.
There is also a lesser rivalry with Florida, one that has essentially lapsed since Florida couldn't retain more than one home-and-home series due to SEC schedule requirements and they chose to keep FSU instead of Miami. Which is probably for the best, as when they HAVE met, Florida has only won once in eight games since 1985.
Speaking of lapsed rivalries, there was also a rather heated feud between Miami and Notre Dame when the Fighting Irish rather condescendingly dubbed the 1988 game "Catholic vs Convicts". Considering normal Notre Dame fan behavior, not sure anyone should be surprised they took a Holier Than Thou stance.
15. That's it?
A. I doubt many people from Miami would agree with this, but since we've been in the same conference (and division in the ACC), I would say the Virginia Tech teams have generally been Miami's best rival after Florida State, and in many years (2000, 2003, 2004, 2005) have exceeded the Miami-Florida State rivalry.
In response to Shalala's actions in 2003, we chose to ruin their shot at a National Title that year as well and created the most enduring image of this rivalry (at least, to me). (Also, shoutout to vtphreak4evr for digging this photo up.)
16. Alright then, I'M PUMPED, LET'S WRECK SHOP DOWN THERE. But first, where should I eat?
A. I cannot believe how useful I've become. Once more, I've BEEN to Miami8 and I ate while I was there! Someone local may be able to provide stronger recommendations, but if you are going to Miami, you should eat some Cuban food, and if you are going to eat Cuban food, I am going to suggest you try Padrino's. I myself am partial to a Cuban sandwich, but DID NOT REALIZE until I got down there and my friends from Miami pointed out that most Cubans don't eat Cubans, they eat a Media Noche, which is like a Cuban but on soft bread made from egg dough. Regardless, they are both made with Lechon Asado, with is the Cuban version of barbecued pork shoulder and is pretty damn good. LET'S GO TO THE REVIEWS:
Alan from Yelp:
"The beef empanadas with the special sauce is http://thebomb.com!!!!"
Please do not visit Alan's website while at your place of business.
Michelle D from Yelp:
"I am usually not a fan of Cuban food but OH GOOD GOD THIS FOOD IS BOMB! I was invited to go after work, around 8pm or so. Upon arrival, I was not exactly excited about eating there only because of a bad experience with cuban food in general. However, when that waft of deliciousness reached my nostrils....IT WAS HEAVEN PEOPLE! The service = Great. Atmosphere= Excellent. Food = BOMBTACULAR!"
Okay, basically, if you read this article at work, the FBI is now en route to your desk. Sorry. I didn't realize that the only way to describe this restaurant was using explosive devices. I also did not know that Bombtacular was a word, but there it is.
There are a couple of Padrino's locations to choose from (I don't recommend the one in Orlando, because that's actually a different city than Miami and is super far away) but the Hollywood location is closest to the stadium. Make sure you get there early so you don't get stuck in traffic on the way to the ga...okay, sorry, couldn't get that one out with a straight face.
17. How's the barbecue situation?
A. My original thought was that you're almost safest going with the Lechon Asado at Padrino's or whatever fine Cuban establishment you'd like to try. Hey, Miami's south of us, but it ain't exactly The South, right? Well, I did some research and have changed my mind; I have not one but TWO places to recommend. In order, I would first suggest you find the closest Shorty's, a place that has been around for over 60 years, has burned down (at least once) and been blown away by a hurricane yet keeps coming back. It was combination of reviews that did it for me, here:
From Craig C's Google review:
"as a bbq nut shorty's was recommended as a must-visit during my many trips to w. palm. the northeastern retirees have never had actuall kansas city (or memphis or texas for that matter) if they think shorty's is good 'cue."
From a Google review:
"if you have no expereince with really great barbq as in memphis, kansas city, and austin, texas, this is good barbq served in an appropriate setting - my only complaint was that they don't have wetnaps."
Okay, my first issue is that two separate people both used the same "holy trinity" to poopoo on all barbecue everywhere else. I know I make my jokes about people in Western Carolina using ketchup on their barbecue and South Carolinians ruining theirs with mustard, but to be so utterly condescending and douchey like this is just aggravating. And then the second guy has the gall to bitch about no wet naps. I'm sure the rest of his thoughts went along the lines of "back home in MIZZURAH, we take PRIDE in our barbecue AND IN OUR CLEANLINESS AFTER EATING SAID BARBECUE. Clearly these podunk urbanized Floridians are third world if they expect me to go to their restroom and use soap and water." Plus, if you're going to take the time to snob on a place, learn to spell.
From another Google review:
"i've never been a fan of shorty's tart vinegar-based sauce"
Enough said, #TEAMVINEGARSAUCE.
Secondly, I'm going to provide you the alternative of People's Bar-B-Que, who seriously don't even have a website in 2013, which is awesome. This is in Overtown, which is apparently in the top one of worst neighborhoods in Miami. AND, against my better judgement, this is a place that uses a mustard based sauce. Lastly, this seems to be almost more of a soul food joint that does barbecue, but at some point the lines blur and it really doesn't matter to me if the collard greens or the ribs are their specialty, as long as both are good. Which, apparently, this place is. But if for no other reason, I'm including them for this review off Google:
"If you're scared of the hood you will miss out on life."
Yeah, tell that to Craig C up there.
18. AHHHH, TOO MANY CHOICES!!!
A. Just try both!
19. Oh, good point. Back to football. What should we expect from Logan Thomas and the COUNTDOWN TO FIVE INTERCEPTIONS:
A. Sadly enough, as previously mentioned, we were down a Fuller on Saturday and Kendall was unable to duplicate even a third of his success from the previous weekend. On the other side of the ball, Logan had yet another rough afternoon, throwing one unlucky pick and one flat out awful one. So, this week his Fuller Adjusted Interceptions, or FAINT count is up to FIVE. Now that we are bowl eligible, this leaves him ZERO interceptions that he can throw in the remaining 4 (or 5) games. Sucks to be Miami, Maryland, UVA, potentially Florida State and whoever our bowl opponent is!
Last thing on Logan Thomas, go read Mason's review if for no other reason than the closing sentence directed at the Mark Leal Truthers, which is the mic-droppiest line I've read in a really long time.
20. Alright, how about the RAGE MATCH?
A. Well, seeing as you didn't watch it, let me gloss over this by saying there will be no #RAGEMATCH awarded this week.
21. Oh. Gosh. So...what should we watch for this weekend?
A. Aside from praying for a Miami Sound Machine halftime show:
- A correction to last week's remark: If Kyle Fuller is back to 100%, because clearly our WHOLE TEAM is shit without him.
- EXUM ISLAND DAY CARE kinda sorta back...?
- Miami has the best O-line we've faced since Bama, and they probably watched what BC just did to us, so...
- DEANGELO HALL STRIP TOUCHDOWN REPLAY! DEANGELO HALL STRIP TOUCHDOWN REPLAY! DEANGELO HALL STRIP TOUCHDOWN REPLAY!
- The Al Golden-Frank Beamer post game handshake, which promises to be FRIGID.
If you didn't see this coming, you don't know me very well
That's a wrap on Miami. Let's hope we'll be looking at Maryland next week with an eye to turning it into the second game of a win streak!
1Out of gratitude, we let them win that year and THEN proceeded to embark upon the DECADE OF DOMINANCE
21967 Liberty Bowl and 1981 Peach Bowl
3I'm not sure Frank hates anything, actually
4although we do pull some players from Florida, particularly Atlantic High School just north of Miami, there are no Atlantic alumni on Miami's roster this year
5THIS IS SARCASM
6In fairness, it was a groin injury, and we CANNOT risk the next generation of Fullers
7I believe that was Bobby Bowden's 23rd season in Tallahassee
8Technically I was in Hollywood, but I drove through South Beach one night!
Comments
Right on schedule, just in time for operational methods
Oh, well, will you be reading TKP during my class? Well, of course!
"YOU SIR! Uh, uh, uh, what is the column called that comes out every week??"
"FOErensics?"
"FOERENSICS! Yes!"
if I could give you a million legs for this..I would
Carl Prather was my favorite character at VT...
One of my fondest memories:
we had his class MWF afternoons and he was going wild with solving a particular problem towards the end of class. Somebody alerted him that class was up and we had to be leaving. His response was something along the lines of
"Oh!!! Well we're not finished here! I'm having such a blast...you must be having fun too!! Yes, of course you are! We'll come in tomorrow and continue. How does that sound for everybody?!?!?..Great! We'll see you tomorrow!!"
all of this.....on a Friday.
That sounds very Prather-esque! We had a guy leave class early one day and Prather chased after him to try to bring him back to class. My favorite line from him was:
"You sir! What major are you?"
"Aerospace"
"Uh, what is the title of chapter 2 in the system dynamics book?"
"Laplace transf-"
"UH, LAPLACE TRANSFORMS, YES!!!"
that sounds oddly familiar....were you in my class?
I had him for Diff EQ but I couldn't even begin to tell you when...sometime between 2006 and 2010
probably spring semester 2009
Nah, I had him for Op Methods fall 2011 I believe. I'm sure he says the same stuff for every class, like this gem:
"I was, uh, talking to a former student of mine and, uh, he said that my tests are too elementary. So I think the next test will be more difficult!"
*doesn't make test hard*
yep..heard that one too
I had OP methods with him spring 2011, I think.
I also just gave a turkey leg for every single Prather quote. Good times...
I always thought that DiffyQ should be the name of a song....never took the class (thankfully, my QCA couldn't have survived it....and I didn't last that long in engineering), so I have no idea what kind of torture it entailed, but the name was fun.
When I had him for Vector Complex he would always ask me what my major since was I was in the first row and I'd tell him something different every time. Towards the end of the year he figured it out and told me my joke wasn't very nice after class =(
Our second test was fairly easy and someone finished it in about 20 minutes and left. Prather noticed and ran after him and came back looking disappointed and pulled out the projector and started scribbling and said:
"You there! Is this test too easy?"
"No, it's just right"
"Well HE didn't think so! So now I have to make it harder! Two more problems. I'm going to make them up now. He's going to be so disappointed when he finds out you had two more problems than him!"
He legit made two more problems for us and graded us on all of them. The kid who finished early even got no credit for them at first until Prather believed that he finished and went home before the problems were added. They best math class I ever took there.
vintage CP right there. Excellent story.
Leg!
I heard our football team was taking a break for the past two weeks. BREAK IS OVA!
If only, if only. I wish I had Prather, I have Russell and it's so much harder
Shame, his class, or the "Carl Prather Experience," as I call it, was a memorable one.
Here's what you're missing out on. I think it says a lot about our dear VPI that a video of a math professor has 14,000 views.
Eccentric. Brilliant.
how in the hell, did he end up in Blacksburg?!?!
I do think that he's probably the most brilliant mathematician at VT....but he's definitely wonky
"ummm, ok" "let's see"
I still don't know diff eq, but everything everyone posted about Prather is exactly how I remember his class.
Carl Prather. Legendary.
I only had him for multivariable calc in 2002... but got an A.
My wife, who majored in math, missed him altogether. I don't quite understand how that happened.
I remember how disappointed he was when he found out I switched my major from EE to Spanish.
When even your mascot is suspect, you know that your whole team is about to get busted up. Hammer down. Go Hokies!
This column does it all. Makes me excited for Hokie football, makes me hungry for pork smothered in da vinegar saawwwse, makes me chuckle, and it makes me read. Hooked on "Foe"Rensics worked fo' me!
Our record with Kyle Fuller: 6-1, our record without Kyle Fuller: 0-2. COME BACK KYLE!!!
I think (or more precisely, vaguely recall) that Vince Fuller played QB is high school. Unfortunately, his eligibility has expired.
Corey played QB in HS. Not sure about VinnyF though.
Well, when Corey finished up his NFL time, CoreyFullerForQuarterbackCoach
Who could forget Reidy's TD?
i ended up like 3 rows up hugging and high fiving strangers after that. possibly the most chaotic moment i've ever experienced in lane.
The past two weeks I have thought to myself, how great would it have been to have a Fuller QB.
It's time to find out.
Reading Miami fanboards and someone posted this picture.. haha this is epic that we have the opponents making images for our own players. !!!
you got a lol out of me on that one, and its true. we had a blast down there for the kansas ob. i have family in north miami and sort of generally know the city as in where to go and not to go at night. miami is a total wrong turn city.
Who remembers the Hokie Bird beating up the Ibis? Any pictures?
Referencing this trio in a review is like reading Rolling Stone to see who good rock bands are.
Between this article and Billdozer's trailer on loop I am ready to see us dominate! LET'S GO!
HOKIES!!
LET'S GO!
HOKIES!
The best announcing of that Deangelo. Hall play is Bill Roth saying "He said 'Give it to me, Roscoe, give it to me!'"
I may or may not have the page with bill roth's soundbites book marked on my homepage...