"Foe"Rensics: Bye Week LOLUVA

Hello. Normally during "Foe"Rensics we take an in depth look at this week's opponents. Sorry to say (and I really hope I'm not the one breaking this to anyone because I hate causing sadness) but we're on a bye this week, meaning Saturday will be cold, gray and empty for many of us. That also means we have no opponent to "Foe"Rensize, so this week we're using our investigative skills to INVENT THE FUTURE.

Not too long ago, it was brought to my attention that some folks to the northeast of us were having a bit of fun at our wide variety of helmets and uniforms. I know, I know, it's pretty awful being looked upon favorably by the uniform and helmet suppliers enough that they help make possible these abominations that are good recruiting tools, honor the military, honor the community and contribute to charities (like here, here, here, here, and here). But luckily, not every fan base has to put up with stuff like this. While even programs such as Eastern Michigan, Miami (Ohio), and Wyoming¹ have sunken to the sad, unsightly realm of customized helmets, some of the more honorable, history-laden programs have chosen not to sell themselves so cheaply.

And it is with reverence and every respect that we turn to one of those programs and celebrate the glorious traditions of Virginia football. So let's take a look at what could be if anyone gave enough of a shit to make special helmets for the #NewHoos. For helmets 1, 2, 4, 6, and 7, I'd like to thank www.awarddecals.com, whose awesome helmet builder allowed me to waste enough time to build these.

1. DIGITAL CORK CAMO

As an homage to their tailgating traditions and the strong ties forged with France, the wine capital of the world, by their illustrious founder, our first entry is Digital Cork Camoflauge. This honors the military traditions of the French that UVA football seeks to emulate, such as surrendering to anyone who invades Scott Stadium. The cork also adds an extra layer of padding and protection when the Hoos are getting pounded by some of the powers of college football, like William & Mary, Wyoming, Louisiana Tech and most recently, Ball State.

UVA is currently coordinating with the NCAA to schedule a special game on 24 June, in order to wear these helmets in honor of the day in 1940 the French surrendered to the Germans.

2. LAW ENFORCEMENT APPRECIATION DAY

In an extraordinary feat of research, FoeRensics is prepared to reveal a secret that is closely held around the UVA football offices. Due to extreme modesty, Head Coach Mike London has made every effort to ensure this fact has not been publicized, but we have been able to uncover the truth. Prior to embarking on a football coaching career, Mike London was a police officer. I know, it blew me away as well.

As a gesture of respect to Coach London's background, the Hoos will don these custom made lids only once. They will then be auctioned off for what are sure to be tens, if not hundreds of cents for charity, specifically to support the soon to be unveiled DontFireMikeLondon.com to allow UVA fans to continue the #NewHoos tradition until such time as he chooses to retire.

3. SABREADE

In order to keep his players fully hydrated and topped off with important electrolytes, the sports medicine folks in Hooville have come up with their own custom blended sports drink, dubbed "Sabreade" [Say-ber-ade]. Although it is basically No-Doz dissolved in Merlot, these helmets will keep their legions of quarterbacks drunk enough to forget how much playing time they were promised².

4. TRADITION OF EXZELLENCE

Harking back to the golden age of UVA football, when the Hoos dominated the ACC by zharing two conference championships³ in zeven zeasons. The two shared conference titles are commemorated by the two tone helmet. Though these are the only conference titles UVA has won in their brief 60 years in the conference (YET), they were powered in part by the refreshing "malternative" that dominated campus in Charlottesville during this time. This nod to their proud heritage is also a call for MillerCoors to give in to the demand, LISTEN to the Change.Org petition zponsored by every UVA fraternity and BRING BACK ZIMA. THE PEOPLE DEMAND ZATISFACTION. AND REFRESHMENT.

5. TRADITION OF WIGCELLENCE

Again, because the UVA football program doesn't really have anything in recent memory to be proud of, we have to reach back in time to honor something. In this case, we'd ask the UVA fans to pull their heads out of Thomas Jefferson's ass long enough to marvel at these beautiful creations. Once again thinking outside the restrictive norms of painting things on your helmet, the Hoos will attach beautiful powdered wigs like our colonial forefathers⁴.

Plus, it gives me a chance to repost these donkeys.

With thanks to ohherro for finding this one for me!

6. UVA SMACK TALK

Every summer, UVA fans start chirping about how THIS IS THE YEAR they're going to take down the Hokies. And generally by October, those fans have put away their #NewHoos shirts and deny any affiliation to the steaming pile that UVA trots out onto the field of Scott Stadium. Normally, Hokies like to remind them of their mistakes when Thanksgiving rolls around, and I always feel bad for those Hoos stuck reaching for something to throw back in my face. So, these next two helmets will provide inspiration of how to appropriately Hoo gloat.

This helmet is both a call to Academic Superiority and a direct response to the Hokie Stone helmets. While we cherish our Hokie Stone buildings, Hoos love their Rotunda and the Lawn. However, it simply doesn't make sense to make a grass helmet since our #RAGEMATCH Defensive Line is going to fill David Watford's facemask with turf anyway. So what made the most sense was a beatiful, picturesque image of the Rotunda with a helpful screaming message that they are simply better people than us because Public Ivy > Land Grant. Ask them how many horses on treadmills they have. These helmets are also outfitted with copies of the U.S. News and World Report university rankings in the lining.

7. UVA SMACK TALK: II

Secondly, we come to the traditional Hoo Thanksgiving call. "JUST WAIT TIL BASKETBALL SEASON!"

8. FOOTBALL DRESS CODE

UVA has a proud tradition of dressing for cocktail parties when⁵ they go to their football games, as one naturally does. And we'd truly hate for the student-athletes on the field to be left out of this tradition because of poor uniform decisions made by the athletic department. As such, we've developed a helmet that will allow them to feel part of the crowd, which, considering 85 scholarship players, should increase the attendee count up to 104 for this game. While the bowtie helps them match the fraternity brothers in attendence, the specially designed, complimentary sundress uniform will make sure this will be inconclusive of the females in attendance as well.

9. ARGYLE ME, BRO

I can't even take credit for this one, I stumbled across it during research for other parts of this piece. But it's good to know that someone took the time and effort to make a special Hoo helmet...for Lacrosse.

That's it for Bye Week FoeRensics, we'll return next week taking a closer look at Duke football, where I fully plan to reuse helmet 7.

¹Sorry to bring up Wyoming
²When they sober up, they traditionally transfer
³These were both won before Bud Foster had a say in any of that
⁴Also coincides with the last time UVA football was relevant
⁵If