The Key Players Week 3 Fantasy Recap

I apologize for this going up so late, but I was on vacation for the last week, so suck it. If you get mad about me trolling your NFL team, don't, because mine is 0-3.
Week 3 is in the books. Here are your Fantasy and NFL recaps. Week 1's Recap can be found here. Week 2's is here.

ANUSTART 123.83, Denvers Nuggets 72.69
Through 3 weeks, we have 1 undefeated team: ANUSTART. Despite Yahoo! hating the team (theyre projecting a 5-6 finish and 6th place overall), they keep winning. This week, Drew Brees threw 40 Ds on that bitch and Chicagos D added 25 points. Other nice outings were had by Wes Welker (14.5) and Justin Tucker (14) and really only Vernon Davis (0) and Rashard Mendenhall (4) had rough weeks.
Beaus entire lineup had a tough week, with just Matt Ryan (22) and Blair Walsh (10) putting up double digit points. They got 6-9ish points out of James Jones, Marshawn Lynch, Chris Johnson and Jason Witten, but lacked the 14-15 point outings out of those guys that could have made them more competitive this week. Jones was their only RB/WR/TE starter who scored a TD.
Centaurrian Gray 120.95, Treadmill Horses 120.09
Think this game was close? When I went to bed after the MNF games, I had lost 121.09-120.95. It appears that a stat correction took away a sack by Seattle, taking away a point from Mike. I aint mad, but I do think that its stupid. If you want some fun, apparently Yahoos recaps dont account for stat corrections, and thinks that I lost.. Its a shame that one of us had to lose, as we scored the 2nd and 3rd most points in the league this week. My squad was led by Matt Stafford (29), Demarco Murray (27) and Cincys D (18) whereas the Treadmill Horses got 20+ points out of Mike Vick (22), Jamaal Charles (23) and Jordan Cameron (24.5). All of the Treadmill Horses other starters scored between 5.4 and 10 points, whereas mine ranged from 0.4 (thanks, Dwayne Bowe) to 13 (non-sarcastic thanks, Mason Crosby!). Mike would have beat me if he had started Cam Newton rather than Mike Vick, but again, I aint mad.
JONESing for Austin 110.04, Hernandezs Legal D 78.54
Cody got big performances out of pretty much every starter but Jackie Battle (yes, Jackie Battle is really a starting RB for our 3rd best team. FML). RGIII led the way with 22 points, but Julio Jones, Demariyus Thomas, Adrian Peterson, Julius Thomas, Cecil Shorts, Matt Bryant and Dallas D all scored 9.4 points or more. Hernandezs Legal D obstructed justice a bit by leaving Denarius Moore on the bench (20.5 points), but starting him wouldnt have given them the win, as just Tony Romo (24.5), Darren McFadden (12) and Stephen Gostowski (14) scored double digit points).
OrangeBarrelReroute 102.36, Imagine Wagons 87.86
It all started when Steven posted to Scott I want to formerly wish you good luck, Mike London-style. Scott once again got a big duo outing out of Peyton Manning and Eric Decker, as the two combined for 53 points. Matt Prater (17) and Alfred Morris (13) also pitched in for Scobeards winning effort. Imagine Wagons got solid performances out of Aaron Rodgers (20.5), Matt Forte (18), Joique Bell (19) and New Englands D (12), but couldnt overcome duds by Andre Johnson (3.5), Tony Gonzalez (12.5), Mike Wallace (2) or Sebastian Janikowski (3). Thats what they get for having two Miami Hurricanes on their bench!
#OperationImpatience 102.35, fry-fry chicky-chick 96.71
Another week and another loss for danibails. She had decent outings out of Andrew Luck (19), LeSean McCoy (24) and Baltimores D (21), but were undone by the Giants and Josh Brown getting shut out as well as duds from Stevan Ridley (4) and Owen Daniels (3). #OperationImpatience had a studly week out of Antonio Brown (32.5) and good ones out of Brady (23), Gore (10) and Megatron (17.5) to overcome crapfests by Brandon Jacobs (0.2), Steve Smith (4) and Jordan Reed (5). Im not sure whats sadder, that Brandon Jacobs and Jackie Battle were both started in this league this week, or that the teams that started Jacobs/Battle both won.
In their game recap, it notes that fry-fry chicky-chick would be 22-11 if they played every team every week. And yet they are 0-3. Sorry, danibails.
Money Badger 84.85, EverydayImRussellin 71.08
VTJawo overcame 8.25 points out of Colin Krapernick, 0 out of Hakeem Nicks, 1 out of Phil Dawson and 2 out of Houstons D to win handily this week thanks to 11+ point outings out of Doug Martin (11), Giovani Bernard (16), Jimmy Graham (25.5) and Ahmad Bradshaw (17). EverydayImRussellin got 26 points out of their namesake Russell Wilson and certainly would have liked if he got the passing and rushing TD that Tarvaris Jackson scored once they called off the dogs halfway through the third quarter. Bernard Pierce (13), Adam Vinatieri (11) and Minnesotas D (10) had nice weeks, but this team was undone by a combined 11.2 points out of Vincent Jackson, Reggie Wayne, CJ Spiller, Coby Fleener and Harry Douglas.
And without further ado, your NFL GIFcaps!

Chiefs 26, Eagles 16
Andy Reid's return to Philly was everything I hoped and dreamed it could be. There were cheers. There were boos. And the Eagles lost. Donnie Avery had himself a day, catching 7 passes for 141 yards. Jamaal Charles added on 172 combined rushing and receiving yards and a TD.

Outside of a 61 yard run, Michael Vick struggled mightily, completing just 13 of his 30 pass attempts for 201 yards, 1 TD and 2 picks.

This one was returned for a TD by Eric Berry:

LeSean McCoy rushed for 158 yards on 20 carries, including coming back from a scary-looking injury to scamper for a 41 yard TD in the 4th to bring it within a TD.

Also, wet Andy Reid. Yummm

Lions 27, Redskins 20
The Skins are now 0-3, which makes me sad. They had their chance to take the lead in the 4th when Aldrick Robinson had his trademark huge drop (although he almost hid it well enough to get a TD). Matt Stafford threw for 385 yards (what, you expected the Redskins' secondary to stop someone?) after shaking off a DeAngelo Hall pick 6.

The Redskins' D is quite good at tackling:

Joseph Fauria is quickly becoming my favorite TD dancer:

ERMAGERD HOW DO I FOOTBALL

Schwartz gonna Schwartz

Bengals 34, Packers 30
The Bengals started the game on a 14-0 run. Then the Packers went on a 30-0 run. Then the Bengals ended on a 20-0 run. Weird. The Bengals went all-out to stop the pass, making Aaron Rodgers look pretty Aaverage (see what I did there?), completing 60% of his passes for 244 yards, 1 TD and 2 picks. The Packers did run the ball well, however, with Johnathan Franklin eclipsing 100 yards with a TD and a total of 30 carries for 182 yards. Andy Dalton managed the game well, going 20/28 for 235 yards, 2 TD and 1 pick and the Bengals split carries between their 2 lead backs, with Giovani Bernard gaining 50 yards and Benjarvus Green-Ellis just 29 on 10 rushes each. Each team turned the ball over 4 times and scored a TD on a fumble return in what was probably the week's most exciting game.

Gio can fly:

Vontaze Burfict sack taps Jordy Nelson, is a little bitch:

Awesome game-winning fumble recovery for a TD on 4th and 1:

Cowboys 31, Rams 7
This was a fun one (not). The Cowgirls scored a TD every quarter, and the Rams never got it going enough to keep up. Tony Romo (17/24, 210 yards and 3 TD) and DeMarco Murray (26 carries for 175 yards and a TD) stood out for Dallass as well as their defense (held St. Louis to 35 yards rushing on 12 carries).

The one highlight from this game for the Rams:

Okay, and maybe this:

Seriously? A 24 point win and the only 2 gifs I could find for this game were anti-Dallass? I'm so disappointed.

Titans 20, Chargers 17
In the "holy shit, one of these garbage teams is about to go 2-1" bowl, the Titans eeked out a victory after a CLUTCH JAKE LOCKER TOUCHDOWN PASS. IS THIS REAL LIFE?!?

Here's the game winnning TD pass and catch:

Philip Rivers had a very efficient day, going 20/24 but for just 184 yards. Eddie Royal did not catch 1000 TD's in this game after having a great first two weeks. Jake Locker threw for 299 yards and a score and ran for 68 and a score, NBD.

This was the best worst last play I've seen in a while:

Seriously, Philip Rivers could be in the punt pass and kick competition:

Browns 31, Vikings 27
How bad are the Vikings? They just lost to a team that traded their best player and is actively trying to lose. They just lost to a QB who had been in the league for four years and only attempted 96 passes. They just lost to a QB that throws most of his passes like this:

The Browns completed 31/55 passes for 306 yards, 4 TD's and 3 picks (and I say the Browns and not just Hoyer because of this beautiful TD pass from punter Spencer Lanning to Jordan Cameron):

Cameron caught 3 TD passes, but Lanning was the star of the day, becoming the first NFL player since 1968 with a punt, extra point and TD pass in a game.

Here's the game winning TD catch for Cameron:

Also, the Vikings got real life Randy Moss-ed by Travis Benjamin:

Patriots 23, Buccaneers 3
You know when people say "(team) took the lead and never looked back"? The Bucs took an early 3-0 lead, looked back and sharted all over themselves. The Patriots didn't exactly look dominant, but did what they needed to in order to win. Legarrette Blount had more carries than Stevan Ridley and did more with them, going 14/65 to Ridley's 11/35. Kembrell Thompkins only had 3 catches for 41 yards, but 2 of those catches were TD's. The Bucs also benched Josh Freeman for Mike Glennon, and thus have no hope for the rest of the season.

Tom Brady has a potty mouth:

But loves Kembrell Thompkins:

This defender essentially sums up the Bucs' season to date:

Saints 31, Cardinals 7
I expected the Cardinals to be a bit more competitve this season with a new coach and a worthwhile QB, but they just look very meh out there. Drew Brees threw for 342 yards and 3 TD, including 2 to Jimmy Graham. After looking a bit meh themselves for the first two weeks, the Saints put on a nice show and are now 3-0 heading into a MNF matchup with the surprising 3-0 Dolphins.

The Honey Badger did give a fuck this week, with his first career INT (in Louisiana, no less):

Panthers 38, Giants 0
Every time I feel bad about my Skins this year, I can look to the Giants to make me feel better. Yeeesh. How are they so bad? Elisha went 12/23 for 119 and a pick, they only ran 16 times for 60 yards and possessed the ball for barely over 23 minutes. Everyone had a good day for the Panthers: Cam Newton threw for 223, 3 TD and 1 pick (and ran for 45 and a TD), Deangelo Williams ran for 120 and Brandon LaFell caught 2 TD passes.

Mike Tolbert dancing <<<<<

Elisha Manning <<<<<<<<<<<<

Ravens 30, Texans 9
This game had 5 field goals, 1 defensive TD, 1 return TD and 1 one yard rushing TD. The teams combined for exactly 500 yards (or basically what the Redskins' D is giving up every week). Bernard Pierce was good enough filling in for Ray Rice, with 24 carries for 65 yards and a TD. Tandon Doss got the punt return TD for Baltimore and Daryl Smith had the pick-6, both late in the 2nd quarter.

Here's dat Tandon Doss punt return TD:

Dolphins 27, Falcons 23
I'm not sure what to ask first: what is up with the Dolphins, or what is up with the Falcons? The Phins are 3-0 now with back-to-back 4 point wins over playoff teams from last year. I'm not sure that I'm buying into their offensive resurgence (leading their division in points scored with 74), but they don't look like the shit sippers I expected them to. The Falcons on the other hand are playing like the Failcons, losing to New Orleans and now Miami and just edging out the 1-2 Rams by 7 in week 2.

Jacquizz Rodgers and Jason Snelling played well this week, combining for 29 carries for 139 yards in Steven Jackson's absence. Matt Ryan had a decent day (23/38 for 231, 2 TD and 1 pick). The Falcons had the ball for over 37 minutes of game time and tied in the turnover battle. So what gives? I guess Miami just figured out how to capitalize; each team had 5 scoring drives. The Dolphins had 3 TD and 2 FG while the Falcons had 2 TD and 3 FG. Something something FOOTBALL.

Um, ow:

Another angle:

Game winning TD:

Jets 27, Bills 20
In this week's edition of "NFL Games I had no interest in paying attention to," the Jets moved to 2-1 thanks to Geno Smith's 331 passing yards and 2 TD (although with 2 INT's) and an additional rushing TD. Santonio Holmes and Stephen Hill each went for 100+ yards and a score, outpacing the Bills' offensive turdfest. CJ Spiller carried 10 times for 9 yards and fumbled twice (although they got both back) and got hurt. EJ Manuel completed less than 50% of his passes. The Jets took 20 penalties and won. Bummed that I missed this one. NOT! THIS SUIT IS BLACK NOT!

Fred Jackson did have a 59 yard run, which is better when you watch it:

Great catch by Santonio Holmes:

A Jets recap would not be complete without LOLjets:

Colts 27, 49ers 7
Can't say I was expecting this one. The Colts offense did a whole lot of average stuff, with 336 total yards. Ahmad Bradshaw, Trent Richardson and Andrew Luck all had rushing TD's, though. The 49ers QB looked like Colin Krapernick again, completing less than 50% of his attempts for 150 yards and a pick and rushing 7 times for 20 yards and a fumble. I did not expect the 49ers or Falcons to be 1-2 through 3 weeks.

lol buttcam. BUBBLE BUTT! BUBBLBUBBLBUBBLBUTT!

Seahawks 45, Jaguars 17
I did not expect Jacksonville to score 17 points. The Zach Miller/Sidney Rice show saw each guy grab 2 TD's. This one was not nearly as close as the score - Seattle went up 31-0 early in the 3rd quarter before bringing in Tarvaris Jackson (who went 7/8 for 129 and a TD and added a rushing TD!!!). Cecil Shorts was Cecil Shorts, catching 8 passes for 143 yards and Derpnard Robinson went from Offensive Weapon to just lower case o offensive, carrying once for -2 yards and a lost fumble.

Cool pick, bro:

Garbage time TD throw from Jackson to Doug Baldwin, aka the kings of garbage time:

Jordan Todman (WHO?!?) shhhhh's the crowd after scoring to cut the Shehawks' lead to 21 in the 4th. Guess he wanted it to sound like a home game for the Jags:

Bears 40, Steelers 23
This game kinda followed the Packers-Bungholes game narrative, as the Bears went ahead early, allowed the Steelers to crawl back, then turned it on late and finished them off. Pittsburgh amazingly gained 201 more yards than the Bears (459 to 258), but most of that was a passing-heavy style late when they were losing. The Bears forced 5 turnovers, including a Major Wright pick-6 and a Julius Peppers 42 yard fumble return for a TD. The Steelers have looked better than I expected and worse than I expected at the same time this year and could rebound in the next few weeks, with MIN, NYJ and OAK on the schedule for 3 of their next 4 games. I hope they go 0-16 though because fuck the Steelers.

Antonio Brown came to play:

Jay Cutler blew up Robert Golden:

The Steelers' season in a nutshell:

The Steelers' season in another nutshell:

Broncos 37, Raiders 21
This game was closer than I expeted it to be, but really wasn't. The Broncos stormed out to a 17-0 lead and were up 30-7 late in the 3rd. Oakland got 2 scores in the last 16 minutes to make it look respetable. Terrelle Pryor and Darren McFadden threw TD's (lol, yes he did) but were outdone by Peyton Manning's 32/37 for 374 and 3 TD performance. Three Broncos (Eric Decker, Demaryius Thomas and Wes Welker) had 7+ catches for 84+ yards, which is cool.

Run DMC's sexy TD toss:

One of Peyton's TD passes:

He's sexy and he knows it:

I'd feel worse if he wasn't dressed like a juggalo:

No games were gif-less this week, so Schefter goes at the bottom: