ACC Mascots and If I Could Beat them Up (Stolen from Big 10)

Saw this article today (https://www.offtackleempire.com/2020/3/22/21190048/big-ten-conference-ma...) and figured I'd do a quick ACC version...starting from easiest to beat up to where I'd certainly die. I ranked the mascots based on their mascots perceived (a) aggressiveness, (b) natural fear, (c) Stamina, (d) Size, (e) Swarming Ability, & (f) Killing Instinct.

1. Syracuse Orange - Please. An orange? I just ate one for lunch...and while Otto's dead eyes would haunt me, it's no contest here.

2. Louisville Cardinals - While I would take no pleasure in this, the Cardinal would be a relatively easy challenge that could be bested without breaking a sweat. A nice tennis racket and *poof*, no more cardinal.

3. Notre Dame Fighting Irish - While I respect the Irish's ability to consume massive quantities of alcohol and be plucky fighters when it comes to the boxing ring, I don't foresee too many issues when dealing with their Leprechaun. Hell, sparing his life will yield me three wishes!

4. Boston College Eagles - Gorgeous, majestic, and dead when I get done with it. While the eagle ranked OK in stamina and killer instinct and I'd most certainly walk away bloody and scratched up (maybe missing an ear), I think I could handle myself.

5. UVA Cavaliers - Cavaliers represent two things: backers of King Charles I in the English Civil War and a type of dog. Both are ridiculous and both could be dealt with. I'm pretty sure that the dog would put up more of a fight...

6. VT Hokies (this was hard) - Ever seen a turkey pissed off? Yea, me too, that's why it's in the middle of the list. Their swarming ability helps their score out as does their aggressiveness, but low scores in natural fear, stamina, & size hold it back.

7. Wake Demon Deacons - An angry preacher is not something to be trifled with. 10s in Natural Fear & Killer Instinct vault this hellish individual to the middle of the rankings. Unfortunately their aggressiveness & lack of swarming ability hold them back.

8. Duke Blue Devils - Named after French troops in the 1st World War, the Blue Devils start the list of mascots who would probably kick my ass. Fearsome fighters help their status, but the fact that they're French limit their ceiling.

9. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets - Low scores in stamina & size hold them back, but 10s in aggressiveness, swarming ability, and killer instinct catapult these small rapscallions to the front of the pack. I'll be able to take my fair share with me, but eventually my ass is grass. Killing them with fire is the only way...

10. Clemson Tigers - Now we get into the killers. Solo hunters hold them back but I'm not walking out of this fight alive.

11. Pitt Panthers - Just like the Tigers except they're black. Like my soul. But worse. I'll end up like some poor gazelle and get pulled up a tree for the panther to snack on my corpse while he contemplates his life choices.

12. NC State Wolfpack - Even Liam frickin Neeson couldn't best the wolf pack and he's got a "special set of skills". At best I take one or two of them with me before the rest take me down and divide my body parts among themselves.

13. Florida State Seminoles - Bested only by one in this list and that's because it's Mother Nature at her finest. The Seminoles are a proud group of native americans and it took the United States MULTIPLE WARS to bring them to their knees, and even then the Seminoles said "F#*@ YOU". They are reported to be the ONLY native american tribe to have NEVER signed a peace treaty with the United States.

14. Miami Hurricanes - 10s across the board in all categories but one, swarming ability, and even then they're given partial credit because while they don't swarm, back-to-back hurricanes will FUCK YO SHIT UP! All I could do was piss in the wind and laugh before it picks up the double wide across the street and flattens me with it.

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Comments

Clemson Tigers should be top of the list...tigers are indeed ferocious, but Clemson's mascot looks like he's been taking methamthetamines for a long time...so a tiger on those drugs...yikes

True...but he could also be tripping balls and not able to do anything. I'm gonna hope for acid and not bath salts.

What's bath salts?

Open your eyes Nicholas

A song by Highly Suspect.

You really don't want to know what they do to a human being

One of, if not the, greatest TKP posts in the site's illustrious history.

My one issue: I believe the Notre Dame "Fighting Irish" is originally meant to represent the Irish Brigade of the Union Army during the Civil War. Also known as the "69th Brigade". NICE! Since the brigade was comprised entirely of Irish Americans, the green leprechaun and four-leaf clover thing kinda stuck.

The Head Chaplain of the brigade, Rev. William Corby, was a future President at Notre Dame. Hence why the university adopted the nickname.

Yea...I struggled with this one a bit, but couldn't make myself rank them higher.

Also, Grumman has clearly never gotten into a fight with a drunken Irishman. Conner McGregor would like a word...

I hate rude behavior in a man. Won't tolerate it.

Pitt Panthers - Just like the Tigers except they're black.

That's racist! Not all panthers are black!

Why does this Panther have a double chin?

Correy

Primanti Bros.

"Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.” -Einstein

ND would fight dirty and you'd be on the ground clutching the family jewels.

The issue with hurricanes while deadly, have no ability to think or direct their attacks, they just wreak havoc. Seminoles, Tigers, Panthers, Wolves; they come after you specifically. They are aiming for you.

EDIT: Miami mascot is also a crane, I'm not sure where that puts them, but I really dont want to deal with a bird like that.

Yea, the Irish would go after the family jewels. The hurricanes are so unpredictable though and what was supposed to be nothing ends up taking out an entire state. Just too much widespread damage to justify a lesser ranking.

I think you misspelled Ibis, which is not an intimidating bird.

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own

How many of these mascots do I have my shotgun for? Or are we strictly fist-fighting?

Fist fights only. Except the pack of wolves...then empty airplane bottles are acceptable.

What kind of wolf pack? North American wolves are pretty docile around humans. Especially now as the aggressive wolves were largely wiped out years ago. Now are we talking Russian wolves from 200 years ago, totally different story. And that is not even considering the German undersea crews ...

Where is that what 'kind of swallow' gif when you need it?

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

Let's go with the Russian versions...

North American wolves are pretty docile around humans

Guess you never saw The Grey...great little flick

No, never heard of it. Will have to check it out. Wolves are so cool in my book. Is it a documentary?

Years ago did read that, supposedly, there had never been a reported case of a person being killed by a healthy North American wolf. Not sure if it was in the US or all of North America. But when I was in MN last summer, our canoe guide one day was someone who studied wolves. He as saying that with the protection wolves have, they are becoming more and more aggressive and becoming a real nuisance. Some pets had been killed and someone's pet was even attacked when the owner was with them on a leash right in town. Visiting the International Wolf Center in Ely they talked about more and more encounters now as the population - human and wolf - have both been expanding.

Edit - okay, see it now. Could be interesting, but still just Hollywood stuff.

Edit part 2: Looks like I was reading confirmed US kills as there have been several in Canada. Only 1 in the US and that was not really recent, but not that long ago. Probably before what I was reading. Several other unconfirmed though. But still the point is that healthy wolves don't normally go after humans.

Recovering scientist working in business consulting

I know this is all in jest, but I just noticed that the line on the Blue Devila where being French limit their ceiling. This is factually incorrect. The French have a history of being tactically brilliant and vicious. Layfeyette was 19 when he was made a general in the revolutionary war. He is 25 years younger than Washington.

The French surrendering is them showing restraint so they dont burn the world down. Just because the simpsons says doesnt make it true (Hippos can swim)

Very true. We wouldn't be a nation without the French, the French underground was invaluable during WWII, and Napoleon was a thing.

That said, they did build a line of fortified positions and thought that would be enough to stop the Germans...who promptly went around it.

There were multiple issues with those French lines. 1) the french were mutinying in place, 2) they were out numbered by the Germans who were Blitzkregking, which would have been tough to stop without 1. But they rebounded and captured around 100k more german soldiers than the rest of the allies the next year. So when they finally got serious they fought as well as anyone.

The French (and Brits) problem is they mobilized to late and they assumed the Germans would attack through the Netherlands and Belgium like they did in WW1. That was actually the plan as well, but unfortunately as it turned out, the plan was actually discovered when a German staff officer plane had to land and he had the plans on him. That forced the Germans to rethink their plans and come have the main effort come through the Ardennes catching the Allied forces off guard. This worked and the Allied resistance crumbled. The Brits had to evacuate at Dunkirk and the French surrendered.
Funny thing is, they almost got the same plan to work twice as that was the same plan the Germans used for the Battle of the Bulge.

Correy

My bad, I wasnt clear, I was talking about WWI in which i thought the simpsons episode was referring too, different issues in different wars, France is just in a bad geographical relationship with Germany.

Miami are the Hurricanes but their actual mascot is an Ibis. That would be a pretty easy fight.

You will see this game, this upset and this sign next on ESPN Sportscenter. Virginia Tech 31 Miami 7

Sebastian is a duck, they go much lower on the list. Other than that pretty entertaining, god I love the offseason

I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction:
“I served in the United States Navy"

KCCO

He's an Ibis that someone messed up and made look like a duck

(add if applicable) /s

Yeah, that was an old espin chatboard joke, really ruffled the canes feathers

I can imagine no more rewarding a career. And any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think can respond with a good deal of pride and satisfaction:
“I served in the United States Navy"

KCCO

You seem to be taking liberties for when the mascot is or isn't plural. If the bees get credit for swarming then tigers and Panthers should be able to fight as a pack. Also an army of angry leprechauns could be scary as hell. Sigh....a flock of turkeys is going to struggle though.

"I am probably too rational to be here"

And the Cavs at 5, their guy lost to the parliamentarians and ended up getting his head chopped off. Guess they get the last laugh when Charles II was re installed and Cromwells body was exhumed and hung as a traitor.

Correy

True, but yellow jackets will swarm naturally...Tigers/Panthers don't.

A pack of drunk angry leprechauns is a hellacious thing though *shudder*

Yeah I'd go Tigers way above Panthers. The Panther mascot is clearly not black, hence it is more likely a Puma or Mountain Lion that has been misidentified. Panthers (Puma, Mountain Lion, Cougar) can get to be up to 220 lbs, whereas a Tiger can get to be up to 600 lbs, with some species pushing up close to 800 lbs.

Tigers over Panthers 100% of the time.

Also, Leprechauns are magical, how you ever gonna beat one up? Even if you caught one he'd just disappear into Imaginationland I saw it in a documentary once.

I might even take Tigers over Wolfpack. Seminoles are probably pretty tough. I think you've overrated Deacons, they're just miserly preachers. Miami's mascot is an Ibis, so I'd take an Eagle over an Ibis and I'd say you can beat them both up, along with the Deacon.

If the Devil is the actual Devil then I'm not getting into that fight, take the Devil over a Tiger any day, or even a herd of Seminoles. If it's more like the Tasmanian Devil then I think you'd win.

Still it's probably the Yellow Jackets they'd all lose to in the end.

Joffrey, Cersei, Ilyn Payne, the Hound, Jeff Jagodzinski, Paul Johnson, Pat Narduzzi.

I think you're underestimating just how much the eagle will fuck you up.

Here lies It's a Stroman Jersey I Swear, surpassed in life by no one because he intercepted it.

I just have to avoid a 1-on-1 fight on the edge of a cliff...

14. Miami Hurricanes - 10s across the board in all categories but one, swarming ability, and even then they're given partial credit because while they don't swarm, back-to-back hurricanes will FUCK YO SHIT UP! All I could do was piss in the wind and laugh before it picks up the double wide across the street and flattens me with it.

...but are frequently over hyped and don't show up.

(add if applicable) /s

You ain't kidding...if you can do this during a hurricane they are most definitely over hyped

'Murica.

“Who is this Fuentes person that you speak about?” -McHokie540

#Florida

I don't know what a Hokie is, but God is one of them!

If that Ute's got a rifle then there are some definite problems.....Mike Leach everybody!!!

I hate rude behavior in a man. Won't tolerate it.

Also, I'd recommend you watch The Grey all the way through the credits. There's a cut scene at the very end and Liam Neeson actually makes it out alive!

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Umm...spoilers?

Warning: this post occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)..

Eh, kinda-ish. You never definitely get a clear glimpse that confirms he's alive. You just see his head propped up on the side of the black wolf.

I think GT could be beat with a few cans of Raid Wasp and Hornet spray... If you don't have the bug spray, use fire to kill the bugs....

2 time Longwood grad married to a Hokie.

I still have scars on my back from when I was stung by flying things with stingers.

And the massive ones that are the size of my hand, and come out at night in the summertime. That's a NOPE from me dawg.

TKPhi Damn Proud
BSME 2009

Those are hornets and not to be f#&$ed with

"I am probably too rational to be here"

And the massive ones that are the size of my hand, and come out at night in the summertime.

These are German Hornets. Or as my wife refers to them, Bomber Bees (because they do kinda sound like a droning plane). And while they aren't particularly aggressive toward humans, I understand that a sting from one is much worse than the average wasp/yellow jacket....and they bite, too. I've managed to avoid that, and hope to continue to do so. They are not to be trifled with.

Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in bad humor.

8. Duke Blue Devils - Named after French troops in the 1st World War, the Blue Devils start the list of mascots who would probably kick my ass. Fearsome fighters help their status, but the fact that they're French limit their ceiling.

Seriously, dude? You're scared of a mascot named after French soldiers?

“You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.”
― John Madden (describing VT's offense?)

Yes, hurricanes are indeed powerful but I would like to point out that Florida is itself often suffers much of the damage, so just like the ACC team you could say the hurricanes are self destructive.

Ut Prosim Ad Dei Gloriam