I came across a doozy of a dad Joke, so I decided to resurrect the Dad Jokes thread. Well, that and slam dunk suggested that I revive it. 😉
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate pizza before it was cool.
Your turn.
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What do you call an Angry Carrot?
A steamed veggie.
If jockeys wear jockey shorts and basketball players wear basketball shorts what does the president wear?
DEPENDS
Why did the banana put on so much sunscreen?
He didn't want his skin to peel.
thank you LBT!
dad jokes make me smile!
What was Virginia Tech's offense ranked last year?
On wait, too soon for that big of a joke.
I was driving past the Lego store the other day and they were having a massive sale.
People were line up outside the store for blocks.
Fred was going out to lunch one day when he passed by a pet shop with a sign in the window reading, "Puppies for sale, only $10 dollars."
Unable to resist such a good deal, Fred went inside and bought one. As Fred arrived home a few moments later, his wife Louise came to greet him. "How was your lunch, dear?"
"Actually, I didn't buy lunch today." Fred replied.
Louise looks at him quizzically. "You didn't?"
"No," Fred replied. "You see, I passed by a pet shop with a great deal on puppies and ended up spending my money on Elvis?"
"Elvis?"
"Yes," Fred replied. "I ate nothin', bought a hound dog."
I've been feeling a bit moody & run down recently, so I googled my symptoms to see what I have.
Kids...
I have kids!
Why do dogs float in the pool?
They're all very good buoys!
I asked my dad why he wears two pairs of socks when he goes golfing.
He said it's in case he gets a hole in one.
How come you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Cause they're real, real good at it.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
See, it must work.
what did one ocean say to the other ocean?
nothing
they just waved
I sea what you did there
I'm still a bit confused, can you be more Pacific?
Why couldn't the sailors play poker?
Because the captain was standing on the deck
What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two arms, and two legs?
A beginner.
Edit: My kid corrected me. No mercy.
What do you name a dog with brass balls and no back legs?
Sparky.
Why didn't the bike move anymore?
It was too tired.
missed an opportunity for a pun here
two tired
Have heard this one as "The tricycle challenged the bicycle to a race, but the bicycle was two tired."
That was the joke, but wasn't sure whether to spell it two or too.
Was Spartacus upset when the lion ate his wife?
No. He was Gladiator.
I posted this in another thread but it fits well here.
What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck?
Bloody talented!
My daughter has this book haha
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They're both Paris Sites
Do trees poop in the woods?
Duh. Where do you think No. 2 pencils come from...
One more
Last night I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and this morning I had the BIGGEST vowel movement.
Last one
Why did the superhero flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty!
Poop themed jokes courtesy of my 11 and 9 yo children
Shouldn't it be "because it was his DUTY"?
Fixed. Thanks.
You're welcome. The teacher in me had to fix the typo.
I get it. I don't like typo's either, but just didn't notice it. It's funny, because I work in healthcare, and I used to spend a lot of time going back and fixing typo's in my charts. After reading an op-ed from a provider who stated that he used to spend a lot of time fixing his own mistakes, but quit and is now was comfortable with 70% accuracy with his typing and leaves a lot of misspellings to save time, I adopted the same strategy. It does save a lot of time, but the obvious errors are hard to leave.
But apparently you do like superfluous apostrophes.... ;^)
Apparently not. ;^)
(I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist!)
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion...
But doesn't.
If we're opening this up to musician jokes...
How do you know there is a trombone player on your porch? He's delivering your pizza
What do you call a musician who drives a Honda?
Accord Ian
What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Hey, I got 2 kids.
Every method has a failure rate.
What do you call a drummer who always shows up on time?
I don't know, I've never heard of one either.
How did the dad joke thread turn into a hatin' on thread?
Combine dad jokes and hatin' on threads. Hmm ...
Daughter: Dad, you know what is worse than your dad jokes?
Me: ACC officiating.
@dcwilson40 ;^)
What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off?
A song bird.
How are children like farts?
Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else's are horrendous.
Moderators!! This thread is completely inappropriate. I don't have ANY patients for this, AT ALL. That's the main reason why I never became a doctor, as well.
LOL
Thanks to Little Bobby Tables for reviving the Dad Jokes thread! We leave Lisbon in the morning on our way north (see
https://www.thekeyplay.com/content/2023/february/13/ot-700-miles-rock-th...) about half way through our trip.
Here is my contribution to the updated Dad Joke Thread:
"I thought the dryer was shrinking all my clothes. It turns out that it was the refrigerator all along."
What is wrong with you people? Thanks sooooooooo much Little Bobby Tables. HokieEnginerd is reading the whole list out loud to Mini LancerHokie....
What can I say, except....
Hookers don't fart....they let out little prosti-toots
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
From the Dad Joke app: I can't take my dog to the pond any more because the ducks keep attacking him. It is really my own fault for buying a pure bread dog.
I've been on a no sugar/no starch/no dairy diet for 8 weeks. I don't mean to brag, but by sticking to this diet religiously, I've managed to lose 56 days of happiness.
this one is a bit dark..
Ever since my wife died, I haven't been able to shower alone for 12 years
but now I'm out of prison!
My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.
Because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital.
I laughed more at this than I should have.
That means you have the perfect personality to be on this thread.
Love the Lost in Space and Star Trek mashup.
What do you call a pudgy psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing as Arkansas.
And what did Delaware?
She wore her New Jersey!
Thanks my kid laughed hard on this
It brings me true joy every time someone discovers a dad joke that my own grandfather told me 35 years ago. Timeless!
What did Idaho?
Her Maryland.
What did Mississippi?
Her Minnesota.
Where has Oregon?
I don't know, Alaska!
Why did California?
To say Ohio
A few days late, but here's a good April Fool's one:
Looks like an alligator to me, lol.
you know how to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One says see you later and the other says in a while.
Why did we lose Maine Power?
Because Connecticut it!
You have put a great deal of thought and a yeoman's effort to add for many more than the standard 'state jokes' out there; watching to see if you can get all 50 eventually!
We are up to 20/50.
why couldn't the pony sing?
because it was a little horse!
How did Wiscon sin?
He didn't go to Mass achusetts
Our Camino pathway has been harrowing at times ... but we keep plowing on
Nice Rodney. Still following your blog. Glad you got past your medical scare and are still pugging away! Bom Camino!
I /we appreciate the support.
We are heading to Tomar today, which is half way between Lisbon and Porto. Other than it was the headquarters of the Templars at some point, I know little about it. We will rest up for two days and the push on to Porto. Again thanks for following our adventure.
Nice! Do a little research for the Lagina brothers while you're there and maybe we can wrap the show up. Bring back a top pocket find! A Bobby-dazzler!
Oof that show just always finds a way to extend a season.
Would like to follow your adventures. Would you mind sharing the blog?
https://www.thekeyplay.com/content/2023/february/13/ot-700-miles-rock-th...
You will find more content at Rock2Santiago.com. Scroll down to the bottom of the page where there is a link to "the whole vlog". There you you can find daily (or nearly daily) records of our trip.
Note - My sister and her husband (N&K) started on the Fisherman Walk across southern Portugal and their vlog documents that. My brother and his wife and I started in Gibraltar. He documented his portion under the M&A vlog and I documented my experiences under R&C vlog. All five of us met in Lisbon and recently have combined our vlogs.
What's it like to die of Colora do?
It's Missouri...pure Missouri
As someone who spent 6 mostly miserable years there ...
What's Missouri like?
Misery, pure misery.
What's the best metal to make Kans as a drinking cup?
N E bras kan will do.
Where has Ore gon?
I have no idea, Al ask a .
Drink....
Ha! Wa? Eeeeeee, who's gonna hold the puke bucket?
Why didn't the robot spend the night with his hookup? Because he nuts and bolts.
So this frog goes into a bank. He hops up to the loan officer, Patricia MacDonald, and says, "I'd like a loan for $5,000. You know I'm good to pay it back because my dad is Mick Jagger." And she says, "I'm afraid that's not going to cut it. Do you have any collateral?" "Well," he replies. "I do have this priceless snowglobe." Patricia takes the snowglobe to her manager and asks him what she should do. After thinking it over, he says, "it's a knickknack Patty Mac, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
Many years back, a man by the name of Joshua had to go before my uncle, who was a judge in magistrate court, to be sentenced for a crime he had committed.
Uncle Walter jokingly said, "Are you the Joshua that made the sun stand still?"
The man seriously replied, "No, sir, Your Honor. I'm the Joshua that made the moonshine."
So close...
sun stand still -> Moonshine still
I just steal 'em. I don't try to improve them.
Monday - Greg
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg
The Gregorian Calendar
Thanks for this thread everyone. It's been a rough week, but I feel like reading this has set me up for a real good Friday.
Ha, waii is she your ex?
She didn't like Washing tons of dishes.
Hope you have on your dad pants. Would not want to tear something with all that stretching.
Definitely have hit all the easy ones.
You are a rock star!
So bad it's good.
Sigh.... Y'all ain't right..........
Yeah, I don't think that one really qualifies as a "dad joke."
Yeah. My kids are old enough for that joke. But they won't hear it from me. But it was funny.
Yeah, that flew right past Dad joke and arrived at pop corn.
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie Doll?
Because Ken came in a different box
Not sure this is a dad joke.
I'm a dad + found it funny = dad joke
maybe it's a daddy joke?
Zaddy?
Today's dad joke calendar entry:
Did you hear the joke about a stone?
Nevermind, I'll just skip that one.
Heard this yesterday from a history teacher friend of mine talking to his daughter:
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
My wife finds it very romantic when I clean house.
I really sweep her off her feet.
Most people are shocked when they find out I'm not a certified electrician
Funny enough my plant electrician has this taped on the back of his computer chair
New atoms frequently lose electrons when they fail to keep an ion them.
An atom walks into a bar...
Bartender: What's bothering you pal?
Atom: I've lost an electron.
Bartender: Are you sure?
Atom: I'm positive!
What did the people say when they heard oxygen and magnesium were getting married?
O Mg !
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
A neutron walks into a bar...
Neutron: Hey bartender, how much for a drink?
Bartender: For you? No charge!
what so you call a dog that does magic?
a labra-cadabrador
I saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a big basket of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.
My coworker said she will be out tomorrow through Monday as her mom got tickets to the Formula 1 Florida Grand Prix.
She cannot attend the Pharma team meeting in person, but she can Zoom us in.
Note: she actually does have the tickets and said she could Zoom, but it took a keen dad's eye to get the unintended dad-like joke.
Me: "By the way, was that "zooming you" meant to be a dad joke?"
Her: "I suppose it could be to a well-trained eye 🙂"
What did Lawrence Welk name his two daughters?
.
.
.
Answer: Anna One, Anna Two
I admit you have to be pretty old to even begin to get that.
I resemble that remark!
Yep, I got it too.
Me, three.
4
Me too!
What's the difference between Lawrence Welk and his orchestra, and a moose?
On a moose, the horns are in front and the asshole is in the rear!
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9
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..
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7 ate 9, and if you had to read this far I did it wrong.
What did Horseonatreadmill say after it tripped?
Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket.
What does a crab do on its birthday?
Shellabrate!
Scientists have weighed rainbows and found that they are pretty light
Apologies to dmhbeaver for duplicating his entry.
You were in the middle of your camino when you reposted his rainbow joke..... I think walking 740 miles is a good reason not to pay super close attention to dad jokes.
So slack you are.
I steal all of them from somebody. And I have reposted ones I stole from the TKP joke thread back to the thread. So I know it's easy to do.
If you fall and break your ankle in your driveway, you can't sue anyone else. Why not? It's your own asphalt.
This hits close to home.... I did this exact thing just this past week.
On a serious note, hope you are feeling better soon.
had I played baseball, I would have been either CF, 2B, or C
I was 2B and C. But, I wasn't the slowest, Kept turning double plays. Couldn't hit though.
Catcher was also generally a slower player. Probably why I played it for years!
Same here!
That's why I play in right field...
First recorded by Peter, Paul, and Mary. Paul Stookey had the perfect voice to record this delightful tune,
Not a dad joke, but seems like a good place to ask.
I thought 'baseball was dead'. It was too slow, too boring, everyone wanted to play basketball or X Games or blah, blah, blah whatnot. At least this is what I was hearing people say all the time years ago. We are having a step challenge at work and so I went for some long walks this past weekend and I lost count of how many little league games were going on. Although the one on Sunday might have been high school. Anyway, it had to be close to 10. Guessing the death of baseball has been greatly over-stated. Are kids still doing a lot of that? I just have a daughter and she just does swim.
Mom's like their kids to play baseball, not as many major injuries.
I knew a lot of kids that played for pizza guys after the game. It was different growing up swimming where we didn't get that, we got long days followed by more long days.
That is awesome!
Bullwinkle and Rocky I presume.
I will admit I checked to see if Virginia had a moose plate so I could copy...
Shocking. They have one of everything else.
This one made me think of one of the history teachers in my HS.
How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck.
...or a goose
Here, have a UNC degree to recognize your accomplishment.
Usually they don't require that much hard work. You got ripped off.
Yesterday, I gave up my seat for a child.
Today I lost my job as a bus driver.
No matter how kind you are, German children are always kinder.
This made me chuckle, but unfortunately it only works in print.
As long as it works
A young, smarty pants coworker asked, "What was it like before the crowbar was invented?"
The much older worker replied, "Crows drank at home" and watched with satisfaction as understanding spread slowly across the young guys face.
Those were prying times
There is a huge line of crows waiting to get into a bar. Two men are walking by and one asks the other "What's so special about that place?" The other guys responds "Oh, that place is famous for their murders!"
Is it in Baltimore?
Well, they're not all gems, even for dad jokes...
I received an email last night explaining how to read maps backwards. Man, was I surprised to find out it was spam.
You might want to browse up a few posts.
Or maybe this is a commentary on the nature of repetitive bulk emails.
Dammit, I knew I'd read that somewhere, couldn't remember where.
Did you hear Bollywood is launching their own version of Indiana Jones, called India Jones? In their movie, India Sikhs the Holy Grail.
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..
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..
That was so bad, I almost couldn't type it.
That was bad even for a Dad joke.
🤣🤣🤣
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?
...pretty nuts.
Pretty sure that's not a dad joke. Might be a joke dads tell each other after the kids go to bed, but not a dad joke.
🤷♂️
Disco balls.
FABULOUS!!!!
Saint Patrick's Day puns don't just shame you, the Seamus all.
I like this one but it's like, 2 months too late
I guess my excuse of being out of the country might be running a little thin?
A new convict on the highway clean up crew asked a seasoned crew member if it was difficult to collect trash along the road.
He replied," Learning how to collect litter isn't hard at all. I just picked it up as I went along."
Why do bees have sticky hair?
.
.
.
Because they use honey combs.
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
.
.
.
R2 detour
What is a lazy person's favorite exercise?
Diddly squats.
First thing that popped into my mind...
Scientists figured out how to weigh a rainbow.Turns out it was pretty light.Since that was a repeat, here's a different one:
What happens when you eat aluminum foil?
You sheet metal
Okay are we now just repeating jokes on purpose "without realizing it" make a meta dad joke about how dads often repeat jokes "without realizing it"?
Didn't realize it was a repeat. Will change it for a new one.
Ctrl + f
In HTHokie93's defense, the rainbow joke was an image with text, not a text field
I gave my depressed friend ten puns hoping at least one would make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Ouch. Take your leg.
What did one hat say to the other?
Stay here, I am going on ahead
Few people know this, but William Tell was an avid bowler, as was his entire family. Since his bowling benefactor preferred to remain anonymous, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
There was a monk who wasn't quite all there. Every day at noon, he'd run up the many stairs of the bell tower and smack head-first into the bell to announce to the entire town that it was lunchtime.
One day, they forgot to tell him the bell had been removed for refurbishing, and the monk flew right out of the tower and died on impact in the center of the town square. Although no one who saw the body knew his name, his face did ring a bell.
I'm sensing a theme here
I know a guy just like that monk. He's a dead ringer.
I figured someone would chime in
Only a ding dong would do that!
Nobody told the Monk that the tinker had the bell?
What did the baker get his mom for Mother's Day?
A big bunch of flours.
I actually gave my niece three bags of flour when she graduated from Gardner Webb quite a few years ago. She looked at me strangely until I explained the joke to her. A joke / pun explained is never appreciated as much as one understood right away. She still loves her uncle though.
Why do nurses carry around red crayons?
.
.
.
Sometimes they need to draw blood.
A local furniture store keeps mailing me ads, but all I wanted was one night stand,
A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian.
Did you hear about the scientist whose lab partner was a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.
Leading with typography to decide what can be in a space. I kern get behind that.
How do you find your dog if it is lost in the woods?
.
.
.
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark.
What do you use to cut the ocean?
.
.
.
A seasaw
yo, how many kids do you have, VTCC-69? You have dad jokes for days
I have three - all long gone from under our roof, but I like puns and have "cheated" by finding ones I like in calendars and joke books I've been given. The ones I like best are often the ones that may not be immediately clear that they are puns. For example: "When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down!"
Yes-the ones that require a knowledge of some important OR insignificant fact/reference!
I don't even know where else to post this... just.....
this guy watches too many shorts by Al
A sweater I bought was generating a lot of static electricity so I returned it. The guy in the shop gave me another one free of charge.
I finally bought that limited edition thesaurus I've always wanted. When I got home and opened it up, I discovered ALL the pages were blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am!
As I've gotten older, I think back on all the people I've lost track of along the way.
.
.
.
Maybe my career choice as a tour guide was not such a great idea.
What do they train pigs to do in the Army?
Ham to Ham combat.
What is E.T. short for?
.
.
.
He only has little legs
My terminally ill grandfather was trying alternative treatments, so he had his back covered in lard. He went downhill fast after that.
How do you kill a posse of clowns?
You go for the juggler (jugular).
Have you heard the story about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
The entire set for these is :
Math tells us three of the saddest love stories-
1) Tangent lines that had one chance to meet then parted forever
2) Parallel lines that were never meant to meet
3) Asymptote lines that can get closer but will never be together
I can feel that third one.....