16 months ago I published on here about missing the Marshall game because why I loved football I was going to meet my future daughters.
There was a lot of angst in the program, can pry turn it around? Are we ever going to a bowl game again? 13 wins and 13 losses later, we are still at a period of angst. We've learned a lot more about the "family" and there is a lot to love and a lot we would like to work on and need to have hard conversations with ourselves and the rest of the family to make sure that we are all are doing our best. Whether we need to improve our clock management skills or remember to wear our glasses or do the dishes or just remember to teach and not critize.
But now as we've learned more about ourselves we have realized that we can't just sit back, changes are coming, and with that new life. We have no idea what will happen, we have no clue if we should be excited or scared, or just numb.
My wife and I had a struggle with the adoption process as it took longer than anyone thought. Covid really destroyed infant adoption. We made the decision to abandon infant adoption and focus on the older kid program. We have to amazing daughters who are smart, and funny and overall just great girls. We threw out all the baby stuff friends have offloaded on us and moved on.
But like VT changes come. On a day where most of us were preparing to watch the bowl game and the future of VT my wife, kids, and I were meeting my daughter's sister who is 2.5 months old. Excited, scared, overwhelmed we are preparing for change, we are preparing to sue a state for custody of this girl. We had no idea she existing until a month after she was born and abandoned in the hospital. We spent most of December calling everyone we knew, seeing who could find out anything and with the help of the same amazing people that assisted us with our two daughters we located her and got in contact with the foster parents. They amazingly were driving down 81 back from their xmas vacation and we met for lunch. It was nerve racking not telling the gorls until the day of because we didn't want to disappoint if something came up or some one for sick. There are lots of cobflicting emotions especially as we said goodbye. And we, like VT, are going into a period of uncertainty. Some how the law is not on our side and our daughters are not related to their sister because they are minors. Their birth mother's husband, who has not fathered any children with her and hasn't seen her in 5 years has to give up custody. If I havent said it before I will say it now, nothing about adoption in the US isn't fucked up. We have to rush through paper work to get licensed again so we can foster. We have to work through our daughters emotions as this is difficult for them.
But to tie this back in, we don't know what's going to happen, we still don't know things about the girl, medical and otherwise, we have what we leaned from the foster family over the hour we spent together and that's about it. As fans we still don't know our DC or S&C coach, we still don't know who's on our roster next year. But that doesn't matter, we are going to fight for this girl, we are going to do every thing to bring her to her home, with her sisters. We are going to fight like hell, and I hope Brent Pry is saying the same thing to everyone in the program, because we need to fight like hell for our hokie family. As a parent I know i need to be better for my kids, Pry needs to be better for the kids in the program, Beamer taught a lot of kids about how to work as a team to win and they have life lessons that are irreplaceable, and one of those lessons to my kids is that we fight for what is right and that is for their sister. As the program has mirror my life, as adopting two teenage girls isn't easy, all I can be is hopefully for the future and work hard to make the best future happen for my girls. I hope Pry feels like he'll do the same for his boys because we love our Hokies and want the best for them.
Comments
You are an amazing man James. I can't tell you how much I hope this works out for you and your family!
I'm not amazing, I'm just like everyone else that wants to have a family, mine is just built in a different manner.
Somehow I'm caught assuming that fighting the bureaucracy is less fun and much more frustrating than the normal procedures that precede the creation of a child.
Don't kink shame!
The analogy comparison of this with our VT football struggles is amazing, BUT, that does not matter One. Damn. Bit.
What you and your wife are building is 1000X more important. Sorry that US processes are working so much against you, that's BS.
Stay the course.
You have way more support than you think.
thank you
To be clear it's not the US process, US doesn't have a process, that would be amazing, there are 50x 50 different processes because each stage has their own and when you adopt from another state you now have two that might not align so you have to figure it out. And this is adopting out of foster care which is different than adopting an infant via an agency that works with the birth mothers so now state agencies are involved.
Perhaps this a cause that Trump, or Ivanka, would want to take on, if made aware. Are y'all in any kind of adoption support group that could suggest this and push it upward?
There are 1000s of charities groups trying to change this. We have met numerous people trying to get changes made. This requires congress to make federal laws that supercede state laws and then every state needs to change how they work so it cost statr funds and once it cost money it's a hard sell.
Good Luck James, and keep fighting the good fight.
Damn- I wasn't PLANNING on crying this Friday morning ... but here we are. Even the relatively simple adoptions can require a tortuous path. My wife had a 2.5 yr old son rom a previous relationship when we got married. Even with her being the birth mother, it took 6 months or me to adopt him as we had to mail the papers to the birth fathers LKA and post a public notice in the newspaper in that city for a month on the 1 in a billion chance he would want to block the adoption and fight or custody. He DIDN'T thank goodness and we completed it after the that waiting period. Prayers with your family that you can get through the red tape/bureaucracy and bring that baby into your loving home.
(and the crying was fine- it continued the tears from yesterday evening when I learned one of my pool league teammates died Wednesday from complications of pneumonia. He was only about 55 years old! Quite a shock and a reminder how we are never promised tomorrow. The one consolation is my last memory of hi was playing pool with him at his sister's birthday gathering on Dec 28.(she is our team captain, he was on the team as is her sister, mother, and-in previous years her other brother and her husband). I feel the most sadness for the elderly parents-no death is easy but NO ONE should have to bury a child even an adult one.)
King James, if Marvel or DC comics is in need of any more Superheroes, we can just point them to you and your wife. Incredible work, fortitude and love! You (plural) have my deepest respect.
Give em hell man! When you are fighting for the right things like this you can't go wrong!
Sending you all the best wishes, good vibes, prayers and such. I too can relate to the insane bureaucracy of adoption. We did a kinship guardianship that was supposed to be temporary (and with that there was no money to help with expenses because she was not in foster care). Fast forward 4 years... yes, 4 years of guardianship, supervised visitations, court dates, drug tests, casa workers, home visits, all expenses on our own dime), we started the adoption procedure. It still was an extremely expensive (worth every penny), painful process to get the judge to revoke parental rights even after 4 years so we could adopt. We were in a different part of the state so two different JDR courts. It was a nightmare and it wasn't even contested by birth mom or dad or family. 4 years before the court would let us adopt. Wouldn't change it for the world but man, the entire foster/kinship guardianship/adoption process is a giant cluster. Luckily, we had the funds to pay. But the system is really screwed up. Hopefully all the dominos line up for your family and the sister of your daughters.. God bless your family!
yeah our two girls were foster fir 4 years before rights were terminated. We have a better chance her because 1) their sister was abandoned at the hospital which doesn't look good and 2) their mother is still has a warrant out for child abuse which lead her to already losing her other 2 children. We will at risk foster so there is a chance that the mother could come forward but since she had parental rights terminated for the other two it is something we can push the courts with. And while legally they are not sisters, biologically they are and a judge is human and will know that. We are keeping g the famy together and the girls grandmother fully supports us (she is how we found out)
With a DC, Oline Coach, and S&C coach hired and potentially an OC in works VT has stabilized.
Like VT our family has stabilized, the baby is now in our possession, and like the OC it's not a done deal for more reasons than just parental rights termination, Turnover in the VA government (not elected officals) has led to a minor paper issue we need resolved to complete everything and make the foster as permanent as it can be.
But it's and unknown road ahead as with every family. The worries and concerns are real. We want the best for our babies, literal and figurative (VT).
I want to keep this family together but some of that is outside our control so we hope for the best and we take the small wins we can get. And we get ready for the first challenge (a 12+ hour drive home)
So far so good. The paper crap is just astounding. I have cousins that went through that twice.
13-0 Baby!
Congratulations!