"Foe"Rensics: North Carolina

Hello. Welcome back to "Foe"Rensics, where we dive inside the heads of our opponents every week to understand what makes their football program tick. This week we were planning on doing a hat themed preview since North Carolinians are very fond of hats but you run out of jokes after "fedora" and "bowler", turns out. So, without further ado, let's all take a trip to Chapel Hill and get to your questions!

The namesake of Chapel Hill.

1. Sooo...I missed the game last week. Can you give me a brief recap?

A. I'd like to let Kyle Fuller handle this one (with thanks to BillDozerVT for the GIF)

Essentially, our defense was so astronomically, diabolically, convincingly, overwhelmingly dominant of Paul Johnson's offense that even the refs were giving us props. As close as the score was and as stressful as that game was to watch (as any game against Georgia Tech is), in retrospect it really wasn't that close. A few lucky completions against some suspect downfield coverage and inopportune penalties (not to mention a missed field goal) made that game feel closer than it was. Now let's relive that dominant feeling EVERY week. Please.

2. Alright! So, primary Coastal Division threat...nullified. Who's next?

A. The fearsome Tar Heels of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

3. Goodness, that's a mouthful.

A. Yeah. To be honest, I made up the 'fearsome' part. UNC Chapel Hill (or just UNC, because they're kind of arrogant; they make everyone else add the city after the UNC part) was originally founded by Thomas Jefferson's ne'er-do-well little brother, Bubba¹. Bubba got pissed when he received no credit for what he perceived as a critical contribution to the Declaration of Independence, changing Thomas' original "This shit is totally obvious" to "We hold these truths to be self evident". Following that slight, he proceeded to pass sensitive information about George Washington's army to the British, ultimately being found out and was then imprisoned near the family home of Monticello². He later escaped and traveled to North Carolina, living out the rest of his life under the assumed name of "Jubba Befferson". Further demonstrating his lack of creativity, he decided to found a University in 1795 to rival his brother's, and thus a rivalry was born.

4. Lord, that freaking family. So we're playing them in football, right? They have a team then?

A. Yes, they do. They are known as the Tar Heels, originally a term used to make fun of the fact that at one point, basically everyone in North Carolina not involved in the barbecue industry worked for "Big Tar". Since North Carolinians didn't get the joke, they took it as a compliment and adopted it as their nickname. Because tar comes from trees, their mascot is a ram³. Since rams have horns, his name is Rameses because PUN and they love getting owned by Charlton Heston.

I'ma make it HAIL, bitch!

North Carolina has been playing football for a long time, since 1888. However, if you go to their Wikipedia page, it briefly mentions that they are the credited (accidental) innovators of the forward pass (which is kind of a big effing deal) and then goes straight to Recent History, by which I mean their current coach, Larry Fedora. Who has been there for a YEAR. They spend more time talking about their NCAA investigations of the last couple years than INVENTING THE FREAKING FORWARD PASS (accidentally). Now I know this is Wikipedia, but it seems like UNC fans feel about their football history the same way UVA fans feel about their current team.

5. That's some apathy right there.

A. Indeed. Speaking of which, as Jubba intended, UNC is without a doubt the UVA of North Carolina. NC State is the blue collar team and Duke, as a private school, excudes an unmatched level of douchiness that UVA and UNC can only aspire to. But UNC persists, dabbling in tie wearing at football games, identifying itself as a Public Ivy and proudly listing all of the alumni that have gone on to serve in government office, as if that is an occupation that reflectively covers an alma mater in glory⁴.

Perhaps their proudest achievement is alum James K Polk, who went on to serve as President of the United States of America. Oh, what's that? You don't respect their Presidential alumni credentials? Well, let me let Rameses fill you in on James K Polk as relative to, I dunno, other presidents that people say are 'great', like Abraham Lincoln (who pfff, didn't even GO to college, let alone a PUBLIC IVY).

I don't know why he's yelling at her, Taylor Swift looks NOTHING like Abraham Lincoln

RAMESES: Yo Lincoln, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but James K. Polk is one of the GREATEST PRESIDENTS OF ALL TIME. THE GREATEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME.

6. He seems angry.

A. Yeah. In UNC's defense, I DID find that they have contributed to the world in a positive manner. Voice actor and Archer creator Adam Reed matriculated there as well Ken Jeong and, most importantly, MTV SuperStar Dan Cortese.

Cortese, seen here NOT adhering to the UNC dress code

7. Man, I remember that guy!

A. Yes, he's currently sharing a house with Kennedy and Tabitha Soren, attempting to Kickstarter a new network that will employ them.

8. I'm not contributing to that.

A. Me neither. But back to football. UNC's head coach, as mentioned, is second year man Larry Fedora. UNC was a respectable 8-4 last year (with a tail-hammer-pounding of the Hokies thrown in) and was basically a pick 'em for second place in the Coastal (edged out barely by VT). But they've proceeded to implode thus far, getting hammered by South Carolina in Week 1, losing not-gracefully to Georgia Tech two weeks ago and getting blown out by East Carolina 55-31 last week.

9. Wait, I'm sorry, I must've read that wrong. Did you say East Carolina?

A. Aye, me matey. The same Pirates that we held to 10 points and put the fear of Bud into their quarterback. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is going to be a cake walk. UNC runs a similar spread offense (wow, way to be unique and different) that we faced against ECU and Marshall although with (allegedly) a much better quarterback, Bryn Renner. Personally, I'd put him neck and neck with Rakeem Cato, but I'd also contend that Renner should have much better weapons around him. His receivers seem to fit the bill, but I think the biggest difference you'll see from the UNC that mauled us last year is the distinct lack of Giovanni Bernard, who's currently doing NFL things in the NFL instead of against us. A.J. Blue is their main guy at RB and he has...not impressed, let's just say that.

10. Good, let's focus on their players. Any other notes on their roster?

A. To start with, they have not one but TWO players named for a guy you JUST might remember from a brief but memorable acting career in the mid-90s.

Not talking about Nick Nolte, folks

Yes, both Shaquille Price AND Shakeel Rashad (bonus points for unique spelling!) will suit up in the baby blue and argyle⁵. But perhaps the most dastardly thing we can expect from UNC is their recent recruiting focus on guys with a *.J. name. They've got the aforementioned A.J., an R.J., a J.J., and not one, not two, but THREE T.J.s (Thorpe, Logan, and Jiles). The good news is these guys are NOT brothers and they have no combined Fuller-like effect, just a lot of confusion due to similar names.

11. Please tell me one of those guys is nicknamed "Shaq-Diesel".

A. Yes, R.J. Prince is.

12. Speaking of the Fuller's, what's their Fuller status?

A. Good news, there are NO Fullers on the UNC roster. They do attempt to counter the Fuller effect with freshman twins Jordan and Justin Fieulleteau, but it is severely reduced due to the Francophone nature of their last names⁶.

13. Man, I bet they like French Toast and French Fries. Losers.

A. Please. Freedom Fries.

14. Sorry. Any important rivalries we should know about?

A. Yes. Speaking of the French, as mentioned above, there is a long-standing rivalry with UVA, going back to Jubba and Thomas' day. They've played football since 1892, known as the South's Oldest Rivalry proving that just because you've been doing something for a long time, that doesn't mean you're good at it. This is also known as the Battle of the Bow Tie. The highlight of this rivalry is the story of Ronald Curry, who signed with UVA, later decommitted and went to UNC. Turns out UVA fans⁷ got bitter about this, referring to him as "Benedict Ronald" and, no lie, I personally witnessed them burn him in effigy while visting the old prison grounds in 1998. The best part of the story is that Curry wasn't even the best QB coming out of Virginia that year; you may remember a guy named Michael Vick who went on to lose one and a half games his entire college career and playing for a national title.

15. So UVA and UNC got all salty with each other over a runner up?

A. Yes, it kind of suits them. Also, in amusing news, Auburn-Georgia (known as the DEEP South's Oldest Rivalry) was first played DAYS before UVA-UNC first played each other, so it's not even technically the South's "Oldest" Rivalry, but just throw them a bone, they really don't have much else to hang their hats on.

16. Anyone else?

A. Yes, UNC has an institutional rivalry with Duke, but primarily in basketball. The "Victory Bell" game against Duke in football is not a real rivalry, because Duke only recently converted their football team from intramural to NCAA.

They also have a rivalry with NC State which has been dominated by the Wolfpack in recent years (winning five of the last six). The rivalry is known more for it's basketball and baseball matchups (yes, baseball) which makes it hard for me to take seriously.

17. So, what if I get hungry in Chapel Hill?

A. Good news, "Foe"Rensics has BOOTS ON THE GROUND in the Research Triangle in the form of relatives! But, to continue the complete uselessness of this feature, the game is in Blacksburg and these recommendations will benefit you not at all for Saturday.

According to our sources, the best place to grab a bite these days in Chapel Hill is The Lantern⁸. The Lantern combines North Carolina sourced food with an Asian flair and is apparently pretty good. In fact, let's see what the good folks at Yelp had to say in their User Reviews:

"Have you ever felt disappointed by a Vietnamese soup that looked and tasted like the water you used to wash the seafood? I did, BUT NOT THIS TIME!"

Wow, I'm pretty excited for their seafood washing water now! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD GET THAT AT A RESTAURANT! Hopefully this is joined on the menu by apple cores and avocado skins.

18. Wow, that is truly a unique take on Asian food. What about barbecue?

A. It is comforting to venture back into North Carolina for a third time in this column in search of barbecue. As you would expect, choices abound in the area, but on a personal recommendation, I'm electing to go with The Pit in nearby Raleigh. According to Google Reviewer Darren Brown:

"I don't care what other wrote. If you love good (if not great) BBQ. This is a place you MUST visit once. Great FOOD!. Great BEER! Great Time!"

So, since Darren says you're only allowed to visit once, make it count and get the good (if not great) chopped pork and vinegar sauce⁹.

19. Now I'm hungry. Let's get back to football. LOGAN THOMAS COUNTDOWN TO FIVE INTERCEPTIONS:

A. If you'll recall, we've recently moved to a calculated value of Fuller Adjusted Interceptions, or FAINTs. Due to Kendall's victory sealing pick, the Fullers have a combined three interceptions to Logan's six thrown, leaving him with THREE FAINTs. This leaves him 7 (or 8, or 9) games to throw two additional picks.

20. Any other notes of interest for this week?

Something we are going to now expand into it's own feature this week at "Foe"Rensics is our defensive line's RAGE MATCH against itself. As you may recall, two weeks ago Mr. J.R. Collins took home the prize against Marshall and last week Derrick "MANBEARPIG" Hopkins was the clear winner. Isn't it about time James Gayle brought his "A" RAGE MATCH Game?

21. Goodness, I just got a little giddy thinking about that. Final thoughts...what should we watch for in the game?

A. Aside from minding the khaki and tie wearing hooligans that frequent the stadium:

• If Kyle and Kendall attempt to simultaneous tackle someone and accidentally rip him in half
• ANTONE EXUM DAY CARE BACK
• If we still have any running backs on our roster or if it's truly time to officially turn the ground game over to A.J. Hughes and Hunter Windmuller
• Through five games, we've allowed 20 points after halftime this season. I'm hoping Bud finds a way to reduce that number this week (not the PER GAME number, the TOTAL).
• If we can remain truly dominant defensively, they may let us play ALL of the rest of our games at noon!

That's all for North Carolina, next week we'll venture north for the first time this season, tackling the Panthers of Pittsburgh.

¹Just kidding, Thomas is the clear black sheep of the Jefferson family. Even being president doesn't make up for founding UVA.
²This prison would eventually become Charlottesville.
³Wut?
⁴Full confession, I may or may not be extra-bitter about that right now. Good news is I've had two days off to finish "Foe"Rensics!
⁵I told you they were fearsome.
⁶Names that end in 'eau' are only intimidating on LSU's roster.
⁷Both of them.
⁸The panel would have also accepted Mama Dips here.
⁹Reminder: #TEAMVINEGARSAUCE