This article appeared in The Cavalier Daily: http://www.cavalierdaily.com/article/2013/12/virginia-football-an-obituary.
It's not particularly funny or well written. Also it's factually incorrect, "With two ACC Championships in 1989 and 1995 and 7 bowl wins in its lifespan..." FALSE. Virginia was co-champions and never won the ACC outright.
With all that said, we have broken their spirits. Boom.
Forums:
DISCLAIMER: Forum topics may not have been written or edited by The Key Play staff.
Comments
This article was so fantastic with how despondent their fan base is... but at the same time, how can anyone stand reading that junk? What a strange bunch of people...
We're pretty much Bane
I Approve
Oh man I didn't know Bane was actually a member of TKP! (Who ISNT these days?!) Please dont kill me for using your likeness without permission first!
You're good fellow Hokie, dont worry about it. Alls forgiven....... This time
.
By golly that was amusing. Instantly lifted my spirits here in the dredges of finals week.
Lol
Nothing was lost. No one even cared. Well. We were pretty happy.
What joy? And to hoo?
It was not tragic and there never was any life.
Simple, straightforward. You got off to a rocky start, but you're doing a little better now.
Any good football players who went to Virginia were good before they got there and then put the team on their back. Any development they did was on their own terms.
And never shut up about it since.
You can say that again.
Thanks.
As in two, count them, two shared ACC championships.
You beat a 7-4 opponent by a point and that's your fondest memory? Know what my fondest memory was. That time we went 38-0 bro. Now shut the hell up.
Our program enjoys long walks on Virginia Beach for that good 'ol 757 tallent and hitting programs that say they love quieter, more intellectual pursuits right in the Argyle. This sentence couldn't possibly get any worse...
I stand corrected. Just what was the program contemplating? Never showing its face in Lane Stadium again? I would contemplate that too if I watched my in state rival extend the gap in our series from six games to sixteen under the guidance of Frank Beamer.
Okay. You're getting back to making some sense here.
All three of them.
It's not really a demise if you were never good.
The program was DOA.
Perhaps your problem is what a fragile being your program was? Maybe it could try sacking up for a change?
You literally just said he was the problem.
Who will all band together to lose to our 3 and 4 star recruits, as well as a wealth of underclassmen.
All 9 glory days.
SWEET!!! TEN MORE YEARS! TEN MORE YEARS! TEN MORE YEARS!
And we danced on the grave, dug up the body, tore out the heart, and stuffed it in our lunch pail.
Benedict Cumberbatch, Reginald Oswalt, and Martha Cummings.
No they didn't. Bourbon is our thing. Wine and Zima is your thing. It's okay. You don't have to pretend to be us.
OI! What did I just say?
I must have given you guys too much credit on how many glory days you had earlier. By my count this is 3 good times. Also, you're really going to call a catch in a game you won by one point against a severly hamstringed Penn State team iconic? Also, as I recall you guys got your asses handed to you by Auburn at the Chick-fil-A Bowl. I'm not bothering to look up the third good time, but I'm going to assume it was just as meaningless as these other two. By my count that leaves zero good times.
Okay you're turning things back around here. Let's see where you're going.
How desperate was it really though? We've already established that what you were trying to save was a long drive to the chicken sammich bowl to lose to a team that you were severely outmatched by.
Whatever you do, do not try to say this was much of a loss.
Okay, but don't try to say that more than just a handful of people cared.
You're really bad at this.
Been to Charlottesville. Seen plenty of Hokie gear around. There's a reason we call your stadium "Lane North"
Sweet.
I don't think "so many" means what you think it means.
Otherwise, how will the Hokies crush the hopes of the UVa football team?
I can't wait for a new kind of terrible to rise from the ashes.
Good call.
Wait, what?
Allright. Um... What? Hold on... Maybe I should restructure this sentence and analyze it in it's original form...
Nope. This still makes no damn sense. Let me paraphrase what you just said for you: "We cannot dwell on the past, but must instead dwell on the past, and dwell on the pasts as we move forward."
HERE WE GO!
Nicely done mister Jefferson. I would interpret this as meaning that it is easier to have hope for the future, and not worth the self effacing nature of despair.
I will grant, it is possible to read this quote this way, but I feel like you have to ignore the part where he talks about dreams.
Again, the Hokies need something to crush.
Here is your call to action Reginald. This is your time Benedict. Get out your pocketbook Martha.
No.
how long did this take you
Frankly, a damn long time. A partner skipped out on me to work on our final project together. I started while I was waiting.
Absolutely Hilarious!
my only regret is that people won't see the alt text I did for all those pictures.
That was amazing
Post of the year
That means a lot coming from THE Horse on a Treadmill. You have some pretty solid posts around here.
Concur. This was epic. Gloriously epic. I giggled throughout. The best part was the deconstruction of the dwelling on the past, though. For a university that produces people that attempt to mock me on twitter for using passive voice, this is just a fucking awful sentence. They're supposed to be the smart school?
Supposed to be. I have a lot of really good friends that went there who I respect, but when I started ribbing them about losing ten times in a row all they could do was send me wikilinks about the universities notable alumni. It was pathetic and reaffirmed the stereotype on smUgVa.
This is truly epic. I wish I had more turkey legs to give.
very nice
I'm not gonna lie... I was kinda happy that UVA beat FSU at Doak that year.
Not that I had anything good to say about the Hoos... no, not at all. But any time UVA beats one of the outspoken, brash Florida schools, it makes me giddy. Just like how Georgia Southern just beat Florida.
Call it schadenfreude, if you will.
Oh no, I agree wholly. It's just... They're going to call that a marquee win? Eeking one out against a mediocre team?
Rock: This is absolutely brilliant. It should be etched into the Commonwealth Cup and launched with the next deep-space probe along with a few of the finer bourbon recipes.
bravo!
I assume this is what it's like to apply to Buzzfeed.
Also, it was awesome though.
well done
The comments on that article are PRICELESS.
From cpcville:
The writer, comes across as a complete d-bag even when trouncing the whos in the best way he knows how.
i.e.:
So you're a 'fan snob' too? You have to be an alum? I think its the greatest compliment when I hear of HOKIE fans who, not alone are NOT alums, but have never even been to campus or even any game in person. That ROCKS! This guy is what Thomas Jefferson proDOUCHED, like it or not!
clarification: the quote is a comment on the article but it's still a stinkin' Who?!
This is no time to LET UP!
we have 359 days (or so to win #11 straight and 16 of last 17)
KEEP the Who?s where they belong- in college football's Bermuda Triangle.
GO HOKIES!
This part made me crack up laughing for some reason. They suck so badly at everything and it's just so pleasing to me.
"... all the while, sipping from a caraffe of Zima, the nectar of the hoos."
Well played good sir.
"Nectar of the Hoos"... Classic!
I laugh harder VTAndy when i read the part that says 'Grounds deep' then see what Bud is doing in your avatar. Kind of sums up the last 10 years in this 'rivalry' I think.
In a last ditched effort of "closing the gap" and creating a wi... uh non-losing culture at UVA ... Mike London is nurturing his underclassmen to think as winners! His first attempt of breaking the streak is to take them bowling right after Christmas. This mode of thinking will instill the players with the hope of actually going to a bowl in place of a bowling alley in future seasons. Also, he will personally be giving the team a police, or EX-cop escort to the bowling alley.
This makes me very happy. I especially loved the comments.
I loved this comment.
... on a treadmill?
No, the HoaT is still very much alive and the Hoos don't even have anything remotely that awesome.
Noooooo
It's what the Cavman rode in on.
So sad.
What happens if you have a funeral......and nobody cared?
Picture appears to be unrelated. But that's cool, it stands on its own anyway. That background cat appears to be indifferent to the activities in the foreground. The dog appears to be waiting his turn.
I believe that "background cat" doesn't care because it's actually a dog.....
Oops, completely missed that cat on the ground. Only saw the dog on the couch.
Looks like a cat to me. Dog on the couch, cat on the floor?
Maybe I'm blind. They all just run around the stables anyway, couldn't really care which one was which.
So......
Cat #1 (the one on it's back) represents the uva football team: It is getting completely abused by a large arm. Yet, as it passes in front of the camera, it shows complete indifference to it's situation. Most cats, (at least the ones that I have met) would at a minimum give a meow or put up at least a bit of resistance. But this one doesn't-it seems content to be pushed around on it's back on an area rug or linoleum flooring.
Meanwhile, Cat #2 represents the uva fanbase. It is seemingly giving itself a bath rather than paying any mind to the plight of it's brethren on the floor. Which, to me, shows that Cat #2 doesn't have any emotional attachment to Cat #1 and has no interest in even watching the spectacle on the floor-it has seen this done many times before.
The Dog on the couch represents Coach London. He is watching, with some interest, Cat #1 getting used, and looks like he would even try to help. But as a dog, he at least realizes that he does not possess the needed intellect or capability to challenge to large arm, and change Cat #1's situation.
The large arm, of course belongs to Bud Foster.
Bravo, sir
Well played. Also insert comment about the Dogs ability to call a time out to help cat #1 yet he continues to watch in amazement.
I hadn't even noticed the dog.
My favorite part of that article is that the author refuses to mention VT. The LOLUVA football club doesn't die unless we crush it's neck with a boot.
I noticed that as well. And the fact that he hints to the sentiment that its London's fault, rather than a complete obliteration of the entire program. weak writing, all around, but entertaining nonetheless.
.... cost to read that article: $0
... Seeing Hoos hatin' on Hoos: Priceless!
GO HOKIES!
"WHO? are you!? Hoo-Who? Hoo-Who?
GO HOKIES!
more like "boo-hoo," am I right, guys?
That's the saddest pile of bow-tie wearin', brie cheese eatin', Zima drinkin', white flag wavin', deluision makin', piece of HOPE & CHANGE I've ever read! God, I pray that when Beamer retires we hire a proven winner with a big name so we don't have to go through this drippy crap!
This gives new life to the term " Cadavaliers"
GO HOKIES!
T-shirt idea:
UVA Football
11 Girls
No cup
as in the Commonwealth Cup - WINNER!