"Foe"Rensics: Purdue

The Perdue-Purdue conspiracy theory has finally been uncovered.

Hello. Welcome to the most concentrated dosage of factual knowledge since the Weekly World News. Hell, we've even got Joe ON LOCATION in West Lafayette this weekend doing an investigation into a recent sighting of Elvis at a local diner, proof that the King DID fake his own death and wanders mid-sized towns across fly-over country to tease his fans1. But that's besides the point; we've got a brand new football opponent that you know NOTHING about2, so let's go on that exploratory journey together, shall we?


You gotta respect an opponent named after a whiskey cocktail.

1. What happened last week?

A. The Hokies kicked off the season in style, battering the Paladins about the head and shoulders until they were forced to yield the fight. After a slow start, Motley got comfortable after halftime and picked apart Furman's secondary before Dwayne Lawson and Chris Durkin came in during the 4th quarter and played what must be a Viking game. I believe they scored one point for every defender it took to tackle them, two points for every defender they steamrolled and five points if they knocked said defender out of the game. To be honest, it seemed at times like Lawson was actually riding his own hype train through their defense. And his hype train is a diesel.

2. Alright, alright, alright. Starting off the season right! 1-0!

A. Yup. Thank goodness the Big Ten-ACC Challenge is a pre-season tournament!

3. So what's up next?

A. The Purdue Boilermakers! While they appear to be a fellow land-grant, agricultural and engineering focused school, there's a sinister history to Purdue that has reached out its tentacles like a fearsome kraken and started to ensnare our beloved Hokies.

Through tireless research, we were able to discover that John Purdue, the financial beneficiary who helped found the school, is none other than2 John PERDUE, the long lost sibling of Frank Perdue, the leader of the giant chicken conglomerate! And while changing the spelling of his last name might fool MOST folks, that's no better a disguise than Clark Kent's glasses to a Fuller.


The face of evil. RUN, LITTLE CHICK! HE'S GOING TO COOK YOU!

But WHY, you may ask, is a the brother of a cock...y businessman founding a university in any way a fiendish act?

4. Oh, I am VERY interested to hear this.

Well, I'll tell you. Frank was seeking to get any leg up in the chicken business he could, and he went so far as to invest in fronting a university that was SECRETLY dedicated to unlocking how to make a fatter, cheaper more addictive chicken that he could foist on the innocent American people. Figuring no one would actually pay attention to higher learning in a place like Indiana, he hatched his nefarious plan and Purdue University was born in 1869. For the first 50 years, they literally did nothing but genetically experiment on chickens to achieve their avaricious goals. All of the "students" who matriculated there did nothing but steal chickens from local farms and scoop chicken poop that Perdue sold as a special fertilizer mix. The school gradually added real programs, but everything was geared towards furthering the profits on their chicken. Even some of their most famous alumni, Gus Grissom and Neil Armstrong, were sent into space for the sole purpose of seeing if they could raise chickens on the moon more cheaply than on earth.


That's one small step for chicken tenders...

5. Diabolical.

A. Indeed. In fact, their original mascot was the BROILERmakers, as a tribute to the industry that was the largest consumer of Perdue chickens. Later, while John was walking home after a football game, he was accosted by an inebriated coed, who couldn't stand up straight and thus kept falling into John. She kept telling him how awesome it was that he named the mascot after a drink that she had consumed seven of that day and John, who finally realized that he had probably spent way too much of his adult life focusing on the wrong kind of breasts and thighs, immediately agreed, went home and ordered the 'R' removed from all of the university stationery and signage. Two short weeks and a restraining order later, he came to regret this decision.

6. Okay. But you said this had something to do with us? Or a kraken? I forget.

A. Oh, right! So, in case you thought the despicable chicken experiments had stopped, THEY HAVEN'T. And this conspiracy stretches all the way to the top. THAT'S RIGHT. Our own Dr. Timothy Sands, who joined us from this "illustrious" university, is ACTUALLY a double agent, infiltrating our beloved agricultural school at the behest of Big Chicken in order to make inroads into the turkey industry. That nanotechnology jazz isn't actually a front, though; they are working at the nano level to rebuild the turkey, primarily using MSG and cocaine, to maximize the addictive properties of our scrumptious sleep-inducing meat. Ever wonder why you are always craving a giant smoked turkey leg right after you enter the stadium? Well, it's not the 12 beers you drank at the tailgate, let me tell you. And didn't you ever wonder why they sent the HokieBird into space? Because they're trying to get someone to check on those chickens Neil Armstrong left on the moon.

7. Wow. You know I think the Weekly World News actually used to make more sense than you.

A. Okay fine, don't believe me. But why don't you go up to West Lafayette this weekend with Joe, and when you find Elvis, ask him why they don't eat turkey legs at Ross-Ade Stadium, HMMMM?????

8. Moooooving on. I'm assuming they football?

A. Yes! They football! Not well, but they've footballed for a long time, very persistently. Purdue essentially made up the numbers in the B1G4 for most of their history until Joe Tiller, who is like Purdue's less successful version of Frank Beamer, came on board in 1997 and turned the program around. Prior to him, they had been to five bowls ever, including the disgrace of losing to LOLUVA in the Peach Bowl, and won a B1G championship outright once, ever5. Since Tiller retired in 2008, Purdue has had exactly one winning season, which came courtesy of beating a MAC team in the Pizza! Pizza! Bowl to eke out a 7-6 record.

9. So, in short, their high water mark since Tiller left is the same record as the one driving Hokie fans to scream for Beamer's head?

A. Uh...yes, actually. Huh. I guess it's all about perspective.

10. Any cool football related traditions?

A.Well, they've got a mascot named Purdue Pete, who used to look like a roided out Bob's Big Boy with a hammer and now looks like a cracked out Richard Nixon with a hammer. Unfortunately, he's walking into a hammer fight with Wyatt Teller, which means he might be changing his name to Pancake Pete soon.


Old school Pete seen here assaulting a cheerleader, and new school Pete during his internship with the New England Patriots.

Pete is required to chug an actual boilermaker every time Purdue scores, which made things really fun in the second half of games when Drew Brees was still around, but now Pete doesn't even get to drink enough to wash away the pain.

Oh, that reminds me...and a tradition of mediocrity. A tradition like many others.

11. Do they have rivalries?

A. Yes! They have a strong rivalry with Indiana, actively fighting for the football team the majority of the state can care least about. To ensure state-wide apathy, they play for an Old Oaken Bucket, which isn't cool, or even weirdly interesting like playing for an egg or a turtle.

Much like how Virginia Tech got stuck with Boston College, when the B1G was separated into divisions given extremely stupid names, everyone else had a traditional rival in the other division they were paired. Everyone, that is, except for the leftovers, Purdue and Iowa, who were paired with each other. Luckily for the B1G, this once mocked rivalry has now developed an extremely intense, cage-match level bitterness, and the two schools refer to each other as "Our Most Hated Rival", an understatement of gross proportion.

12. Any Fullers?

A. I don't want to alarm anyone, but...


FULLER KLAXON FULLER KLAXON, WE ARE AT DEFCON FULLER

Purdue has a Fuller. Tario Fuller, to be specific. There's no reason to actually be concerned, though...he's not one of Mama Fuller's Fullers. He's actually the less successful sibling of Mario and Wario. While their family generally excels at less traditional sports, like Mario Kart, he always found a way to slip on the banana peel that HE dropped, and thus was just too lame to include in the video games.

13. What about the rest of their roster?

A. The most surprising thing I found was that they have 15 guys from Florida, including nine from in and around Miami, which...do they not have maps in Florida schools? Did these guys think Purdue was actually in Illinois near Chicago? Why the hell would you willingly leave Florida to go to the middle of nowhere in Indiana6?

Also on the roster, they've got Jake Herr, who gets punched in the face a lot for introducing himself as "Jake Herr? Damn near KILLED Herr!" which doesn't make any sense. They'll also trot out sophomore running back Keyante Green, who has subtle notes of cherry and plum and pairs nicely with pasta, beef and lamb.

These wayward Floridians are led by Darrell Hazell, a one time disciple of the Sweater Vest. Hazell took a demotion to coach at Purdue, having come from Kent State previously, and was fortunate enough that the seven seasons prior to that he spent on the sidelines at Ohio State did not coincide with a home game against Virginia Tech. Never fear, as Hazell once upon a time was the running backs coach in Morgantown, and had the opportunity to experience a defeat to the Hokies via Michael Vick and Shayne Graham. Oh, and I checked; the WVU running game that day topped out at 107 yards on a 2.7 yards per carry average.

14. What if i go to West Lafayette? Do they eat there?

A. Yes, and you probably should as well. In fact, if you see Joe and Elvis while you're there, buy them both a drink so we can see how drunk we can get Joe before he heads into the press box. If you are eating, the highest rated restaurant in West Lafayette is Five Guys and, as a native Northern Virginian, I'd like to obnoxiously say YOU'RE WELCOME. Let's hear what the word on the street in West Lafayette is, from Elsa Huston:

It was a first time visiting Five guys, we had 6 different orders and 4 out of our 6 orders were incorrect. Also the burgers weren't all that great, they were dry and had no flavor what so ever. The bacon on it was old and tasteless, it tasted like crispy paper. The veggies were fresh but the bun also tasted stale. Fries were ok, but I don't think it was all that great. I've had better tasting fries. I personally think it was a quite disappointing. With all the hype, I expected to live up to it.

Elsa, who you may know better by her stage identity:


Worst. Bacon. Ever.

Has had better. And complains about bacon. And you're right, Elsa, as a Five Guys customer, I also expected you to live up to it, but as you admit, you did not.

15. How about barbecue?

A. Right, so you're leaving barbecue's wheelhouse heading to Indiana, but I did some digging. Apparently, Mr Darryl's (generically) Southern BBQ is the place to go, where they claim they offer the "Best BBQ in the area!", which is funny, because the only other "BBQ" restaurant that Google will return is Chili's. Also, reports indicate they are located WITHIN a BP gas station, which is definitely a bonus in my book.

Yelp reviewers were generally favorable, except for Kirsten who is mad at Mr. Darryl for not catering her graduation party. Oh, and Adam W., who writes:

The 'restaurant', to put it mildy, is a dump.The paint job on the exterior is sloppy, they have random crap taped to their barely working windows. They have a hand drawn lawn sign stating their hours that is stuck in a flower pot out front.

The 'dining' area is a crappy outdoor tent filled with chairs that were undoubtedly procured one by one from the flea market across the street. They had what appeared to be garbage bags serving as table covers on the poker tables you could eat at. (There is no indoor dining room at this location)

Adam apparently goes to barbecue restaurants for the decor.

We also got a couple bratwursts for my kids since they were out of hot dogs. Unfortunately neither would eat them because they inexplicably came with BBQ sauce on them.

Wait...you went to a barbecue restaurant, and they put BARBECUE SAUCE on the food they gave you? THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS. This is UNCONSCIONABLE. The authorities should be alerted POST HASTE. Oh, and Adam, I would get new kids, yours appear to be defective if they don't like barbecue sauce.

16. Tell me about the FAINT count.

A. While we can celebrate the MOTO-TAINT and AAINT in the stats column today, the ACC refs inconceivably DENIED Kendall Fuller his first interception of the year. A shame, really. Since we make up our own rules as we go along here, we're counting it anyway, bogus pass interference call be damned. So, our FAINT count stands at -1, as none of our quarterbacks have yet to throw an interception in a REGULAR season game, not for lack of trying by Mr. Motley in the first quarter.

17. What should we watch for on this Saturday?

A. I'm watching for::

  • I would like to see one giant, stretched out, Furman-like, third quarter performance from the Hokie offense;
  • If any of the Purdue defenders resort to using Pete's hammer to try and stop the Dwayne Lawson Diesel Hype Train;
  • If the broadcast team has picked up on the new meat tenderizer tradition of our o-line or if they will continue to just show the battered lunch pail and chuckle mildly at bad jokes about how beat up it looks;
  • Someone try to throw on Kendall Fuller. Anyone. PLEASE. We rarely actually get to see him in coverage;

Enjoy West Lafayette, Hokies! Say hi to drunk Joe and Elvis for me!

1I'm also assuming that he's in town for the Hokie game, proof that despite living most of his life in Tennessee, he understands the superiority of burnt orange to neon orange.
2And me, to be honest.
3DUM DUM DUM!
4Which is funny, because those numbers haven't added up to TEN since 1990, which is 37 years ago in B1G math.
5Tiller didn't actually change this; he only won a co-Championship once.
6Looks at map of Virginia, looks at hometowns on Hokie football roster, shuts up.

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