"Coach"Rensics: Analyzing the Search for Frank Beamer's Replacement

Hello. You have probably heard by now our beloved leader, Frank Beamer, decided to take his dancing talents to...well, Blacksburg, but out of the locker room and into retirement. No more "Get after ya's". No more camera cuts to the Frank on the sideline after Tech's one block away and wondering who dropped the stinky fart. Instead, he'll go from sideline to armchair coach. Provided he gets reception out on the golf course. Or bothers to pay attention past showing up at games and doing the "Block That Kick" arm thingy. He probably can't wait to "Stick It In!" too.¹. Oh. Like me, you may have spent most of the time since hearing Frank's retirement news like this:

This is fitting, since we all know as much as Jon Snow about what happens next.

1. ...Will you hold me?

A. No! Please don't make this awkward. But, let's walk through the grieving process together. Denial? Nah, I think we've all been living in denial for a couple of years, so that stage is over. Anger? That's actually been a pretty common thread for a while as well, mostly directed at Stinespring, O'Cain, Newsome, Lil' Beamer, Logan Thomas, Loeffler, various officials, Jordan Zumwalt...all to varying degrees of actual deservedness. Bargaining? That's Whit Babcock's job, but I'll gladly thrown in a few smoked pork shoulders and some ribs if that will help seal whatever deal needs sealing. Depression? Well, that's where I am, right there with Jon Snow and the Thenns and DANG IT FRANK, DON'T LEAVE ME.

2. Oh lord. Here we go.

A....

3. Done yet?

A. No, but my pills have kicked in. Okay, once we finish with depression, we'll (eventually) get to acceptance and then we're going to have to deal with a new person moving in and sitting in dad's recliner. But WHO? Nobody knows! Except probably Whit, because that dude is like five steps ahead of all of us all the time. And since we don't know, everyone is spending half their time looking for rumors about new coaches, writing up their opinion about rumors about new coaches, freaking out about rumors about new coaches, making up rumors about new coaches, etc. And sure, you can "learn" about Tech's coaching candidates, but you know the only place you're going to get REAL knowledge is from me. So, here we go.

4. What qualities should we look for in a new coach?

Well, I've been mulling this over for a few weeks, reading the interwebs and listening to YOU, the common Hokie.

• Must be an offensive genius
• Must be awesome at recruiting
• Must be Bud Foster
• Must be a young up and comer with lots of energy
• Must come from inside the family to carry on BeamerBall family atmosphere
• Must have won multiple national championships
• Must be a defensive genius
• Must come from outside the family to reinvigorate the program
• Must retain our entire coaching staff
• Must fire our entire coaching staff
• Must retain the good parts of our coaching staff and fire the bums²

So, this gives a fairly broad range of candidates that qualify. Let's go through the list!

5. Bracing for never before seen levels of ridiculous uselessness...

A. Bud Foster Let's get the most obvious candidate out of the way first. Bud was supposed to get this job for like the last ten years. Part of the fan base has believed this without wavering that entire time. Part of the fan base has vacillated between "HIRE HIM NOW" and "FIRE HIM NOW" depending on whether or not our mike linebacker made or missed his last tackle. Part of the fan base just yells "BUT HE CAN'T CROOT" every time the subject comes up. This part of the fan base also frequently reacts with disgust any time the opposing offense gains positive yardage on ANY play, a clear sign that the game has passed Foster by AND his defense is suspect because he can't convince every 17-year-old from Florida to spend four to five years in the mountains of southwest Virginia.

6. So where did Bud come from?

A. What many don't realize is that Bud is actually an acronym, for Biotechnic Ultimate Destroyer, as B.U.D. is a cyborg from the future programmed to deploy an army of eleven men in such a manner as to maximize havok, and crush and demoralize the opposition. The long term strategic plan is to break the spirits of all non-Hokies throughout the region, to allow Skynet, developed by Virginia Tech engineers, to ultimately take over the area and then the world.

Invent the Future, son

7. So, if we hire Bud, the future is lost?

A. Haha, no, as Skynet is a Hokie product, we're all safe. Charlottesville will end up a smoking hole in the ground, though.

8. Well, I for one welcome our robot overlords, then.

A. Justin Fuente Currently standing atop the offensive mountain he built out of a terminal dumpster fire at Memphis. He has spent the last few years convincing players in SEC country to come to a school propping up the standings of the American Athletic Conference, currently (along with the MAC) is essentially turning into a minor league of coaches. He's got the offensive genius thing down, and he turns quarterbacks you've never heard of into NFL draft picks, which comes from a solid career as quarterback in the Arena Football League. BUT, before that, he was honored and privileged enough to have played his college ball at Murray State, where our own Bud Foster played and Frank Da God started his head coaching career. RACER PRIDE!

And from his playing days, he's obviously familiar with how Virginia Tech offensive lines have played recently.

9. Sounds like he checks a lot of boxes.

A. Yep, and not only that, he also brings a solid family connection, as we might see his cousin, famed MTV VJ Daisy show up on the sidelines AND we might get Dan Patrick to go back to yelling "EN FUENTE!" whenever Dwayne Lawson does something ridiculous, which I'm fully expecting to be five times per game if Justin gets hired. The only drawback is his name is Justin, which I feel like is really only a name for a 13-year-old kid.

10. I don't think...nevermind. Moving on.

A. Tom Herman A candidate with recent, direct experience in Hokie wins, Herman is doing pretty awesome in his first year as head coach at Houston, after offensively coordinating an Ohio State to a national championship via two backup quarterbacks. Remind me again how we do with backup quarterbacks? Nevermind.

11. So, that sounds sort of impressive.

A. It was. Herman happens to be the only candidate named after a dorky 60s Brit Pop group

And now it's stuck in your head

And starred in a really weird sitcom in the 90s about his own head³.

12. Hmm, he sounds like he's gone Hollywood. I'm sure he's vying for the USCw job. Who else?

A. Rich Rodriguez Although French has already written a love letter about RichRod, allow me to elaborate. You want a guy with ties to Appalachia? Check. You want a guy Whit Babcock knows and might even like, even if it's only in that professional Because-I-Have-To-See-You-At-The-Office-Every-Day-And-That-Would-be-Awkward-If-You-Knew-I-Thought-You-Were-A-Douche-Canoe kinda way? Check. You want a guy who will bring an in your face, let's BURN THIS COUCH TO THE GROUND mentality? CHECK. You want a guy who...okay, this is really getting hard, let's not waste any more time here, ok? RichRod blows and Whit knows he'll have a half-empty Lane if he hired him, that is IF we don't burn it down first.

13. Thank you.

A. Mike London HEAR ME OUT. Unless the powers that be in Hooville are even dumber than we thought, London is going to looking for employment soon, say sometime Saturday afternoon, and it's safe to say he's called time⁴ on his law enforcement career. So a few big things in his favor that I think everyone is overlooking.

1. During his head coaching tenure, the Hokies have never lost a game he's coached, a remarkable 5-0 record.

2. He can totally get us back in with Wyld Stallyns, or whatever that sketchy AAU team is in the 757 that hates us.

3. He's the disciplinarian this team needs to get rid of those pre-snap penalties. Did you know he used to be a cop?

14. Anyone else?

A. Mama Fuller She put three (soon to be all four) of her players into the NFL. Plus, I'm thinking this gets us in good with the Fuller grandchildren. I'm not opposed to this idea.

15. YOU HAD TO BRING THE FULLERS BACK UP AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU.

A. Um...let's move on, shall we?

16. YES, LET'S. STUPID JERKFACE.

A. Larry Fedora Only if we're talking about this guy:

Somebody Wyatt Teller would get along with well. Makes contact with the opponent with the intent to bring the pain.

17. Curly Joe for Offensive Line Coach.

A. Shane Beamer Really the sentimental favorite among the Hokie faithful, and why not? He's got history with the program going back to his childhood. He's played in a national championship game. This would be a boon for facilities, because they wouldn't have to change all the signs in the buildings that say "Coach Beamer". And I think we're all looking past the fact that he'd probably be the first major college coach⁵ that was a long snapper in his playing days. This is an UNTAPPED RESOURCE. How many other guys have his perspective on the game? You know, backwards and upside down through your own legs? And do you know how much practice it takes to spin the ball like that on those deep snaps? Where do you think he learned to rotate running backs?

In conclusion, thank you Frank for everything, if we've learned anything following this coaching search, it's a tall order to fill your shoes.

¹Frank's awesome.
²YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
³Ironically, Herman's job in that show was a fact checker, which...what the hell is that?
⁴See what I did there?
⁵Or college coach, period?